For those of you who know me.. my name is Brad. I will keep this short and sweet as I am way too excited right now. Just got off work.. had an amazing shift. I was on cloud nine and I didn't even need to take any modafinil. I am 19 days clean and sober from heavy methamphetamine use. I have used on and off for 10 years but this last time I relapsed was the worst. I mean before I signed up to these forums I had binged everyday for 3 months. Methamphetamine is the only drug that.. I am either in it all the way or not in at all. Everyday use can be controlled by me.. but to be honest I just don't like NOT having it on me everyday which creates an obsession.. a crutch.. a major problem that I've always had. Basically it's the only medication that I've touched and used on myself that has worked in "curing" my anxiety that I get sometimes when I'm around people, women who try to get close to me because I fall hard for every girl I see because I'm good with making them feel good about themselves but then they use me up and dump me like I am nothing. Again.. I used meth as a crutch and realized I don't have to be emotional and get butt hurt everytime an immature girl makes me feel like I am only a hot piece of ass and too weird, too smart, or too emotional? Guess when I turn the tables and flip that switch on a bitch and show her my darker side.. the anger is what keeps them in line! I have never hit a woman and I never will! I am not saying meth makes everyone angry.. but it can make me angry.. but it's because I should control my use and not re-dose. But even this last time when I relapsed 19 days ago.. I had slammed a great amount of quality crank.. and still I felt nothing. The guilt out weighed the rush.. what's the point after all if you aren't feeling it anymore? It's supposed to be fun! Not just something you take because you have to conquer your fears and escape reality whenever you please!
Anyways.. so much for making this short. I've always been a talker but shit.. being sober for 19 days now has made me realize that getting older does change you. The first time I tried getting clean on here I think I made it 15 days before things got dark.. again.. it was my choice and I could of controlled it better.
The one thing I realized is that I will always be afraid to give my heart to another woman.. but when I updated my blog.. as I was typing I spilled my guts to all of you.. and I found out something new about myself.. well not new.. but something I should of allowed myself to do a long as time ago. I'm actually beginning to feel again.. A LOT OF EMOTIONS! And I've always loved that about myself but through the years of bullying and terrible relationships I've changed. I mean I am still myself.. I have never been someone who was fake or didn't know any better and just wanted to fit in. Maybe at first I wanted to fit in with the bikers I rolled with or some of the other gang members but they all accepted me even when they saw my gentle side. A lot of them were even out of prison and they did 10+ years for some heavy shit but.. they said the more you wise up and realize you are a man whether you cry or not.. the more you will learn to love and accept yourself. As long as you own up to your shit when you are wrong and you take care of your family.. you are a man. It made me tear up you know? Why do I care so much what the world thinks? Do we all do that?
Anywho this is my first blog entry and I just wanted to thank anyone who was there for me when I had nobody. Somethings I was just too afraid to share with the church I go to. But now all I could think about is how I am going to surprise the girl that I had been friends with for the longest time and she actually texted me earlier while I was still working and that text made me smile! She told me she's done with the adult industry and she hates traveling and when she's not around me she gets separation anxiety. How could I have let my heart be so cold and not tell her how I feel because of the fear of getting hurt again! Well tonight when I take her out to dinner she's got a big surprise waiting for her! Let's just say I am going to be shaking because I will be clean and sober.. and I will sing to her one of her favorite songs we always jam to in the car.. oh man wish me luck guys and gals.. I am falling in love again and it has been a LONG LONG TIME! Holy crap I'm nervous hahaha in a good way!
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