Sobriety has made me realize I don't have to be afraid of love!

By iwantsobriety · Sep 10, 2016 · ·
  1. iwantsobriety
    For those of you who know me.. my name is Brad. I will keep this short and sweet as I am way too excited right now. Just got off work.. had an amazing shift. I was on cloud nine and I didn't even need to take any modafinil. I am 19 days clean and sober from heavy methamphetamine use. I have used on and off for 10 years but this last time I relapsed was the worst. I mean before I signed up to these forums I had binged everyday for 3 months. Methamphetamine is the only drug that.. I am either in it all the way or not in at all. Everyday use can be controlled by me.. but to be honest I just don't like NOT having it on me everyday which creates an obsession.. a crutch.. a major problem that I've always had. Basically it's the only medication that I've touched and used on myself that has worked in "curing" my anxiety that I get sometimes when I'm around people, women who try to get close to me because I fall hard for every girl I see because I'm good with making them feel good about themselves but then they use me up and dump me like I am nothing. Again.. I used meth as a crutch and realized I don't have to be emotional and get butt hurt everytime an immature girl makes me feel like I am only a hot piece of ass and too weird, too smart, or too emotional? Guess when I turn the tables and flip that switch on a bitch and show her my darker side.. the anger is what keeps them in line! I have never hit a woman and I never will! I am not saying meth makes everyone angry.. but it can make me angry.. but it's because I should control my use and not re-dose. But even this last time when I relapsed 19 days ago.. I had slammed a great amount of quality crank.. and still I felt nothing. The guilt out weighed the rush.. what's the point after all if you aren't feeling it anymore? It's supposed to be fun! Not just something you take because you have to conquer your fears and escape reality whenever you please!

    Anyways.. so much for making this short. I've always been a talker but shit.. being sober for 19 days now has made me realize that getting older does change you. The first time I tried getting clean on here I think I made it 15 days before things got dark.. again.. it was my choice and I could of controlled it better.

    The one thing I realized is that I will always be afraid to give my heart to another woman.. but when I updated my blog.. as I was typing I spilled my guts to all of you.. and I found out something new about myself.. well not new.. but something I should of allowed myself to do a long as time ago. I'm actually beginning to feel again.. A LOT OF EMOTIONS! And I've always loved that about myself but through the years of bullying and terrible relationships I've changed. I mean I am still myself.. I have never been someone who was fake or didn't know any better and just wanted to fit in. Maybe at first I wanted to fit in with the bikers I rolled with or some of the other gang members but they all accepted me even when they saw my gentle side. A lot of them were even out of prison and they did 10+ years for some heavy shit but.. they said the more you wise up and realize you are a man whether you cry or not.. the more you will learn to love and accept yourself. As long as you own up to your shit when you are wrong and you take care of your family.. you are a man. It made me tear up you know? Why do I care so much what the world thinks? Do we all do that?

    Anywho this is my first blog entry and I just wanted to thank anyone who was there for me when I had nobody. Somethings I was just too afraid to share with the church I go to. But now all I could think about is how I am going to surprise the girl that I had been friends with for the longest time and she actually texted me earlier while I was still working and that text made me smile! She told me she's done with the adult industry and she hates traveling and when she's not around me she gets separation anxiety. How could I have let my heart be so cold and not tell her how I feel because of the fear of getting hurt again! Well tonight when I take her out to dinner she's got a big surprise waiting for her! Let's just say I am going to be shaking because I will be clean and sober.. and I will sing to her one of her favorite songs we always jam to in the car.. oh man wish me luck guys and gals.. I am falling in love again and it has been a LONG LONG TIME! Holy crap I'm nervous hahaha in a good way!

    Share This Article


  1. titaniumhunter
  2. monkeyspanker
    Hey there iwant, I'm very happy for you!! A word of caution though my friend, there are many euphoric feelings that come during the first phase of sobriety ( 2nd week to the first month, it varies). So embrace you new feelings and, if they darken, please DM myself or your other wonderful friends for some back up...Ok? Keep on keepin' on buddy!! You have sooo much to look forward to in your long life ahead :vibes:, M~

    PS, 4 years off the shit, I know how it can be bud!!
  3. mastermind22
    I am very late to this blog I'm a bit upset I missed it so far. Anyways I hope it went well. My personal process I went through after stopping heroin made me realize that if you do not care about or seek out love you are not a human being - I don't mean scared of it like you are or scared of being hurt, just never bothered with it and didn't care. I guess heroin was more important to me than my life at points. So after it's gone I've been thinking about what I have left and how I need to go forward. Sounds awesome man good luck with the girl ;)
  4. Count Quagula
    Hell yeah man I glad things are turning for the better. The situation with you and your lady friend is a perfect way to feel good without using and that's exactly what is needed! Day 19 congrats brotha!!!! And remember bro staying clean is about enjoying your life and not having to count the days it's been since using last. And your blog is a perfect example of that. Becasue you show that life goes on without the drugs. And when it does it probably will be much fuller and way better. . Keep it up your doing great. Hell yeah day 19!! Love ya bro
  5. iwantsobriety
    Damn I'm reading all of your responses you guys.. and I gotta say.. what the heck man why you gotta make me cry hahahaha I'm balling like a baby right now holy crap I've never felt such love when going through recovery. I always did it on my own and it was hell.. and I'm not saying it's still not crappy because it is.. but I love you guys man.. I just love how caring you guys are and I'm about to do a quick update and blog if I can but thank you all! I will do my best to try and come on here more often because I miss all of you guys!
To make a comment simply sign up and become a member!