By la fee brune · Jan 2, 2017 · ·
  1. la fee brune
    I will tell you why I try to destroy myself, time and time again.

    It is because I am starving.

    Last week, I was wandering around the back of a swanky cookware store looking for a bottle of wine, and I overheard the conversation that a couple was having with the store's owner, an understated French lady. The woman was describing her jaunt to Africa, and the man was talking about jetting off to Europe to play with the Berlin Philharmonic, or the "Berlin Phil," as he called it.

    A hot bolt of jealousy shot through me as I listened to them, because they are the people I want to be. The class of people for whom it is the normal course of events to fly off to some distant country on a whim. The cultural elite. I am often around people who have money, but they had culture. Frankly, I don't know if it's a blessing or a curse to be able to discern between the two.

    I have a decent education. I have read all of the musty philosophers, and I have seen the heights of the English language. I have even managed to master another language through academic study alone. But I have experienced little, and I lack culture on a fundamental level.

    I wear an embroidered robe and expensive perfume and smoke opium with a two hundred year-old pipe, but underneath it all I am still White Trash. Nothing special.

    I am lonely and starving. Starving for culture. One may die many, many times while living.

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    Author Bio

    la fee brune
    Opium fiend, bon vivant, and all-around pain in the ass.

    Annoying others since 1982.


  1. Beenthere2Hippie
    Reading this blog made me sad for you. I am sorry to hear that this is how you perceive your current reality. Personally, even though you and I have a philosophically different takes on some things, I do not see you as white trash in any way, shape or form.

    You are a very bright and remarkable woman, from what I can tell. Give yourself some time, even though patience as a virtue manages to elude most of us while we're in our thirties.

    I do hope 2017 is a better and more emotionally prosperous year for you, perro. You deserve fulfillment and a happy life. We all do.
  2. detoxin momma
    If thats what you want out of life, whos to say you won't get it.....clothes don't make the woman, YOU make the woman.
    I've lived life from pretty much all levels. before i had kids, i worked my ass off, yes, as a teen, and i had plenty of money, couldve done and gone wherever i wanted.

    i've also been broke as a joke, with just enough money to pay the bills.

    at the end of the day, i felt the same inside, regardless of my position in my life.i realize how that sounds, at just a teenager you can't be accomplished really, but i didnt know that at the time, i felt accomplished just from having a fulltime job and paying my own bills.

    now, its the opposite, im home again, with my husband paying for everything. but again, i still feel the same inside. no matter what position ive been in, complete freedom and independence, or completely tied down, still feel the same inside. somewhat bored, and like somethings missing.

    thats why i believe its so important to just love yourself. your circumstances can change, but you can't hide from yourself.All the culture in the world won't change how you feel inside.

    BT2H is right, we all deserve happiness and fullfillment, so if culture is what you yearn for, surely you'll get that, when the time is right :vibes:
  3. mastermind22
    After an existential crisis I completely rethought things. Went to addiction counseling and NA meetings which is now what I starve for. Not at all saying this is for you but what I starve for is human connection, that whole room everyone embraces with the sole goal of getting clean. When someone speaks I feel myself somewhere in there and have learned things so valuable to me after when I feel that heroin will truly be a minimal risk I will go to college and learn and learn. I will try to meet as many new people as I can and just have conversations. Entirely broke and happier than when I was funneling thousands of stolen funds. Happy that I changed my perspective.

    In my opinion what you have done is amazing. I have absolutely no clue where to even begin trying to find a 200 year opium pipe, a robe the perfume. Your ritual is obviously very important and I think it is yours; you found all this you established this you got the opium that is not trash behavior that is someone who can pursue their interests and get them. Smoking opium is your habit but the way you go about it I have never seen such creativity. You learned a language by yourself, you've clearly done well in education and I really respect that because I want to learn something too. I don't know what but find purpose preferably where I can help people. If you want to experience culture you are smart and resourceful. I was only sharing my story at bottom to prove point and to tell you that all of that left me feeling pretty bad but your post was far more emotionally intense for me. It makes me really sad to see someone who is so unique in their use of opiates and has shown they can want something and do it. Self taught language, college dealing with your addiction at time.

    In my raw opinion you are a very unique and special person who I feel is capable of great things. Please please don't say you are white trash. I entirely blame - no I honestly kind of want to cry. I hate hate to see people devalue themselves because they are not what they claim and I spent a lifetime doing this it may never stop. I was the epitome of self loathing/deprecation. I used to refer to myself as a degenerate because it was the nicest possible term. Thief? Liar? "piece of human shit animal like drug fueled berserk toxic person."That's ran through my head for years. Obviously you didn't say anything quite like and I'm not implying the exact same will end up happening to you but negativity is a thing that snowballs quickly and I just feel awful after seeing people go through similar things from what I did. and if someone else who is far better than I am as a human seems to look down on themselves it's really making me feel very guilty because you dwarf me as a human being. You are just better. I really just wanted to say this please don't think of yourself poorly. If it's continuous It makes everything so much worse, addiction mood your use of anything. And once you start it's far harder to correct. I was just concerned. You are capable of great things and you are special because you are a human being who struggles with things that are not easy obstacles. You just inspired me to learn spanish - because at my last job there was a kid my age with kids spoke poor english and I just felt so useless. I wanted to talk to him about his family, where he came from how he likes it but I just couldn't. A lot of mexican workers showing up and I hate the complete void I have when I work with them so thank you I may have never got that idea.

    I'll be absolutely brutal in this white trash are people who expect everything to be handed to them and don't contribute to society, white trash would for example abuse his wife when she forgot to buy him liquor driving home from her JOB while he sits on his ass unemployed. I see female white trash indiscriminately get pregnant for the child support so they don't have to work. I see this and far darker examples far to frequently.
    This is what type of stuff happens in my area.

    I was given an IQ screening and told she was certain I was above average. But you know what I ended up doing with it? Finding a way to legally skip school to learn how to commit fraud and learning all the programs, all the technicalities to setup right and drain cards or bank accounts. I'm extremely different from you. Everything in the world was entirely worthless and I would exploit everything I could, lie, steal and engage in senseless self indulgence. That was my reason for life. And I thought I was god; because should I die everything will be empty and dark so I was the connection. And I couldn't have cared less about culture, backgrounds or wanting more wealth when I took what I wanted. I was an absolute nihilist about religion, culture were worthless to me as I couldn't exploit it. I starved for chemicals and engaging in impulsive altercations. I was starving for the human livestock waiting for me. In the end I almost always got my way and was basically handed my diploma and I could absolutely go to college even after missing high school with one summer and half year in 2 boarding schools. Everything went how I wanted it and it worked out. Honestly a human predator is probably worse than white trash I hated the world and myself.
  4. detoxin momma
    After i posted to your blog yesterdy perro, i thought, i shoulda/coulda been way more specific.
    This blog seems like the perfect place to tell a tale of how culture can not bring one happiness.

    in my previous life, before my husband, before having kids, i had a girlfriend i lived with, for 2.5 years.
    She couldnt have been any more opposite from me, yet, so similar at the same time.
    She was 5 years older than I, an only child, adopted, into a very wealthy family.
    Her parents were head members of a huge catholic church, major donators and what have you...

    it was all a cover up. a way to mask what really was going on, or did go on.

    she was molested her entire life by her adopted father, and her mother knew it, all along. but, being in the position they were in, it was always brushed under the rug. They were extremely wealthy, everything looked perfect. Her parents went somewhere every summer, greece, japan, italy, you name it. Thats how she was raised. Their house had rooms for different countries of the world, full of knick knacks and crap they had bought to put on display....

    They dealt with the situation they had created by paying for everything for her, her rent, her bills, no limit credit cards, psychiatrist paid up for years.she had no worries. In a way.

    we would still work full time, but we had no bills, so all our money went to drugs.
    every so often, she would ask me, where do you want to go, you name it, we're gone, and we don't even have to come back....

    i have always had a fear of flying, so we never went further than driving to chicago, for a night out to a coffee shop, pulling off at rest stops to inject heroin, nodding off as we drove along threw the night....

    she had all the culture a person could hope for, so did her parents. but they were still no different than anyone else, lost, looking for something to do with their time, and money. flying half way across the world can not help you escape yourself.

    Also, i have worked for some of the wealthiest people my state has to offer. one of the last families i worked for, had their own helicopter, and a farm in costa rica, they could, and do fly there anytime they want. but guess what, still empty inside, still bored.

    In another house i worked in for 7 years off and on, i got pretty close with the wife, her husbands a very successful lawyer. She used to tell me, when it comes to people and their lives, its all relative...

    That saying has really stuck with me, because its true.....

    my point here is to express what ive seen, how different the people are, and at the end of the day, i always end up thinking, the grass is never greener on the other side.
  5. detoxin momma
    you wanna hear something else i always found kinda, funny...this girl i speak of, she coulda been living in the nicest lofts in the city if she wanted to.

    but no, she chose to rent out a room in pookies basement. when i asked her why, she'd say, " I like the culture of it all"...go figure...
  6. la fee brune
    Yeah, that's called "slumming it." You know you're loaded when you pay extra because something is shabby. There are stores in that part of town that sell 200 dollar burlap bags. No joke.

    It just seems like such a never-ending cycle of aspiration in my family. My mom projected a lot of her failed aspirations onto me as a kid. Her father died when she was little, and her mom was too mentally ill to keep a job, so she grew up quite poor herself too. But her mother wanted something better for her, so she pushed her into a ballet career. She also tried modeling, but she wasn't pretty enough.

    As a kid, she encouraged me to do modeling and beauty contests, but I wasn't pretty enough either. I've always had this burning need to be special.

    I feel like I've attained about as much culture as I possibly can without traveling. With my education, I could go get a job teaching English abroad any time I wanted, but my anxiety holds me back. Maybe even somewhere where I could get a steady supply of opium. I feel so stuck, and I don't know how to un-stick myself.
  7. Beenthere2Hippie
    Dare yourself. Great things are born of courage alone. Bet you'd love it. :)
  8. Delia
    You are a healthy, beautiful, intelligent women who not only has a wealth of knowledge on opium but also l am going to assume many qualities l am yet to discover.

    Don't entertain the feeling of envy, it can bring you no joy and can torment the mind.

    I can name a list of members on drugs-forum that believe you are anything but 'white trash' and honestly Perro it's not where you come from but the destination you head to.

    As gently, but respectfully as l can put this: don't fall into the trap of looking at the negatives in your life, someone somewhere in the world is going to be missing out on something. We all have the trauma and scars that life has left on us, we all have them moments of pain, envy, resentment, the feeling of why didn't l get *whatever* but if we take a step back and look at what we do have than it can be beautiful when we see it with a fresh eyes.

    I don't want to detract from your feelings but acknowledge them and let you know that you're selling yourself short. You should be proud of what you have achieved you and look forward to the bright future you have.
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