I have been debating posting this, because I am ashamed to admit publicly that I am so far from recovery. I am afraid of feeling humiliated because of my addiction, and its hard to be so open and honest about it.But it's all part of my plan for recovery, this writing of my journey as well as admitting it publicly.
It's been over a week since I posted to my blog, though I keep a daily journal on my desktop. Even so, reading from my first entry to my blog is good for me, seeing where I was and where I am now.
So I did get a place to live, and another job, and a husband! That was all about 5 years ago, well, it will be 5 years in Jan 2012. I have tried, but not very successfully, to quit using, at least to quit using daily. Not much success there, but I believe I can only be successful if I have a plan.
Maybe from my childhood, maybe just my brain chemistry, I am a perfectionist. I have a great fear of failure. I sometimes can completely abandon a project when I believe there's no way it can turn out correctly. That in itself is a failure of sorts I guess, but somehow I convince myself that if unfinished, I've not 'submitted it' so it isn't a true fail.
What this has to do with my addiction, and quitting, comes back to that fear of failing. I KNOW I use because of my emotional/mental health issues. I have been successful in abstaining for short periods of time when those issues are receiving attention/treatment.I have medical insurance through my employer, but that insurance has a $1500 annual deductible! So, I can't get any therapy paid by insurance until I have paid $1500. I couldn't pay out $1500 a year if my ass was gold. I just can't afford therapy, is what's really getting me down. I KNOW I will not succeed at stopping use until I've got therapy in place to help me with the stuff that brought this addiction in the first place.
I have researched online therapists, online support groups, recovery forums; basically, anything I could potentially utilize for support needs, for little or no cost.
I have searched MYSELF completely to try and determine if I am using the aforementioned as excuses to keep using. I don't think so, but I am hardly an unbiased source.
This is the first time I have even 'spoken' publicly of my 'dirty little secret', except for my husband. I keep my use very invisible, and since I don't use enough (I guess?) to cause some of the more common behaviors seen among 'tweakers', I've not had anyone call me on it. I still keep my job, with none of the previous attendance issues from my past job.