By Hideyourlies · Dec 18, 2016 · ·
  1. Hideyourlies
    There was a time when i wasnt an addict and i was sober never worried about things and was generally happy with age and shit happening i became depressed and upset and angry alot i would panic and drugs helped i started abusing them and using daily benzos and opiates and sleeping pills got them from friends stole them from family, plugged snorted smoked swallowed anything i could get, i finally kind of got myself together and pretty much only use kratom now and mostly only at night.

    Come to present time tonight in particular and i want to use hard drugs ahain the urges are strong i feel depressed the kratom doesnt feel like enough i want hydrocodone and clonazepam or some ambien or something i feel like im falling apart i dont wanna go back to how i fekt before i felt so lost and i still do but not as bad i just wish i could make these urges go away ots taking every bone in my bidy right now not to use itd probably only take me 3 hours to get a hold onto something...

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  1. mastermind22
    After a excessively boring life in a small town I tried drugs for the hell of it. Was serving juvenile probation for possession about a month into my drug career. I was young, stupid and was enjoying my first real hobby so much I wasn't even thinking about the possibility of getting caught. Then I struck a goldmine after my hypochondriac mother dragged me to so many doctors I could rotate their "medically unable to attend" excuses and exploited that for the rest of my education - I could skip school and avoid more probation. Stopped going regularly in mid 8th grade. Did a stint in 9th - for the first 2 weeks. Went to 2 boarding schools with sketchy extra credit programs so that's why I have a diploma.

    When I was high I was free. But occasional use from high school drug dealers with my money and snatching from relative's wallets, liquor cabinets and prescription bottles just wasn't cutting it. Eventually came the fraud, pathological lying, scams, finding usable counterfeit bills, theft, harder drugs on a more regular basis. I had 2 ways to cope, don't give a fuck and drugs. All of that pain, depression anger was still there. I only lacked fear because I assumed my future would be getting fucked up and I had come to realize the only things that matter are how well I can act, lie and shut down whatever was supposed to make me feel guilt or remorse. I wasn't scared of all that time because now I found instant gratification. Unfortunately that gradually turned into not giving a fuck about morality, relationships, my friends, my family, the law, my health, my life.

    At first being high only a couple days a week made me feel so uncomfortable and dejected. Gradually I'm starting to feel this baseline and I'm finding moderation with other drugs. Still have those urges though, still want to use daily, still want needles, still want heroin. My resources and ability to control my impulses has grown. My goal is to stick with NA and volunteer work, in time when I'm stable find a legitimate source of income and eventually get into a healthy relationship. I never really talk to you much on the forums but I see your posts a lot and they really resonate with me, plus you're on my friends list. Sorry if this is long but this just made me think about myself and wanted to share.

    I'm unable to balance relationships and drug use. Your commitment to your girlfriend must help tremendously. The only reason I've gotten this far is because I'm used to being alone, I've been a disappointment to people for a long long time. I'm glad you have someone that is there for you. I hope to find that person once I have a legal, stable source of income now that I've found the desire to commit. That will be my final nail in the coffin as I put my addiction in the past. After a while I found that there are people who clicked with who I really am - even if I was far too addicted to appreciate those people and have lost contact with all I know I will find more. Your girlfriend is lucky to have someone like you, I like your personality and you have a lot of strength to fight this battle and have your girl. Your girl obviously cares about you and you come off as very tough, very caring and very dedicated in being holding your end of the relationship and caring for her. From what I see day to day around me (strictly personally speaking) those who have addiction and fully care about others are scarce; the ones I found most kicked their habits and cut me off since I was still going at it thus I was a risk for them relapsing and the others are dead and one is doing life in prison, but I'm happy to have met them and happy most of them moved on. I've found a lot of inspiration from reading your posts and I hope I can show that dedication and keep up this fight against a relentless disease. I never talked to you because I don't post as much as I should but I read your posts and I see someone who battles those emotions, contains their addiction and doesn't give up.

    I hope you got what I'm saying. When i try to explain this some people just think I sound like an edgy teenager who was too lazy to apply myself. I'm talking about being lost, angry depressed, anxious, no sleep, watching yourself fall apart. It slowly got worse all of my life. And every year there was more demands, more things to remember more energy that I didn't have. My mother always said (she also said she seriously considered aborting me thanks mom haha, then openly regrets only having one son) "why aren't you like (insert any of the numerous trophy children I knew) * does their homework, they didn't quit their teams, they don't skip school, get detentions or get suspended." Wasn't great motivation to be honest. I took it as a sign that I wasn't like anyone I knew and I should embrace that. Kind of really kicked my resolve to do my own thing up a few notches. As long as everyone else was being used as a scale for my human value I was worthless. Ran out of ways to deal with that, ran out of ways to function. If I hadn't done drugs I would've killed myself from the boredom. I'm glad I learned to look within for who I was rather than looking at everyone else. But I went too far and now it's time to control myself, build something sustainable and learn everything I can from the past and focus on the here and now, one step at a time.

    Some of this is entirely off topic and it's fucking long, didn't really seem like something to post in the forum either. But essentially whatever the reasons are and no matter how they differ or what caused them, I know about falling apart, shitty emotions, wandering, lost. Those unrelenting urges. Stay strong. I really hope you got something out of this like I have from your posts and journals. I hope you can push on and turn the odds in your favor. You're an amazing dude. I'm not even high and I wrote this much I just can't sleep and I'm thinking about deep shit after a pretty deep conversation with someone earlier. In an emotional mood. I just want to tell you it won't stay this way. It's worth the effort. I have to start from scratch, find new friends, a relationship that I can contribute to, get a new job and not quit mid shift to shoot up, and figure out where I want to go next. Everyday is still a struggle but i no longer dread the future. I'm molding it. I guess i just had this on my chest and I saw your journal it all just kinda came out. Keep going forward man. I feel a lot of the same shit and I struggle too but struggle makes us who we are, we learn from it, and we grow. It's not a fun, easy or simple process but it's life. And I do respect you, you might not even know who I am but fuck it writing something is better than dealing with restlessness and insomnia all night. This just applies to me but I'm glad I experienced everything or I would still be entirely empty, not even aware I was alone because that was what I was used to. Even if after all is said and done the restlessness, anger, depression, abrasive self image and insomnia are far worse with the added realization that I lied to myself about how severe my actions were and thinking about how many people got hurt. My remorse seems to be firing on all cylinders after a lifetime of an absence of it. So really I did kill a few years but all the issues I was escaping are far worse. When I got to a good point to jump off after meeting people I got along with I wasn't strong enough to stop. I'm constantly correcting my thoughts when I start to look for a way to get out of something, exploit something or profit that I didn't fairly earn. This struggle is by far the worst love/hate relationship I have I really hate it, it sucks cock and sometimes I feel like I'm going insane but I can't deny that the lack of growth would have left me with far more pain the longer I stayed on and that is what keeps me struggling. For me personally, I feel that it would be far more harmful to give in than to deal with struggling and full force emotions not dulled by drug habits that had to be illegally funded due to my greed and impulsivity. After dredging up some of the darkest shit in my life earlier at a meeting I wanted to write something real and positive to someone. I hope I can keep reading your stuff. For me I am acting under the impression I may have to live with this struggle and that some form of mental whatever will always be there. I don't think I can expect "good" and just good, but I'm actually happy working with what I have and I'll do it one day at a time struggling a little less over time and hopefully chilling out and laughing a little more.

    Once I escaped the boredom of a dysfunctional unloving family and chronic boredom and whatever mental illnesses and how worthless it seems boom I escape and I'm doing things I never thought I would do. But I'm still depressed, now I'm feeling remorse I'm sure a lot of people have debt and financial issue because of me, I would be a liar to say I never ruined lives for my gain because some of those scams lasted a long time and I chewed through a lot of their financial assets. Not at all complaining about anything just my experience with struggling; sorry it's just that I'd actually forgotten a lot of this so in addition to encouraging you to keep struggling I wanted to share my reasons since my brain seems to be great at hiding things and hitting me with shit when I already feel awful. But I'm in a better mood today now that I remembered why I truly started. I used to just give generic responses or make stuff up but you kinda got the truthful holy shit this happened I've gotta write this down version. Honestly I probably deserve this, I'd be bored no matter what I grew up with and clearly I've been unique for as long as I can remember.
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