September 3rd marked the first time in 7 years that I have had one year clean from heroin. I have been on suboxone twice before this, and obviously lapsed both times. This time around, I have done things a bit differently. Let me start with providing some background info.
Heroin was my go to drug when shit hit the fan and I wanted too fade away into a cloud of bliss. Knowing that I have an extremely addictive personality I should have known better than too ever try it, however I guess you could say I just didn't care.
The first time I got into a suboxone program was after my first three year long run with heroin. I was beat down, lost my home, car and all of my possessions, I guess you could say heroin had finally broke me. I met with Dr.Asshole#1 and was prescribed suboxone that day at 8mg/3x a day. At first, I thought suboxone was a instant cure, a miracle. But, anyone thats been down this road knows the sad reality that there is no instant cure, no matter how badly we wish there was.
Lets skip forward three months, three months of 24mg suboxone per day and endless NA meetings. Then came the day when Dr.Asshole#1 said it was time too get off the suboxone. Of course, I was very hesitant too get off the drug, however I didn't have much of a say in it. So, Dr.Asshole#1 lowered my dose each week for the next month and a half and then I was off the suboxone.
Life without suboxone was not what I expected. I went through a brief suboxone withdrawal and of course ate lots of benzo's and smoked a ton of pot too help ease any discomfort I felt. I was always depressed and couldn't find any enjoyment in life, even when doing things I once loved. So very soon, I turned back too the one thing that I knew I could get some enjoyment out of, Heroin.
Thus started another 2 1/2 year run of hustling, stealing, lying and cheating. Life was good for a while, but eventually the nice warm feelings faded away and I was using just too avoid the rattle. I eventually came to the realization that I needed that little orange pill too help me out, yet again.
I found another suboxone doctor online, drove the 90 mins too her, and welcome Dr.Asshole#2. I remember pulling into her office parking lot, looking at her nice Lexus car, wondering how many junkies it took for her too buy it. I was once again expecting a nice instant cure, however this time I was more disappointed than ever. After answering endless questions that I really had no interest in answering I was sent on my way and told they would call.
A few days later, I got the call. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the name on caller ID. I was getting ready too hop in the car and haul ass out there when I was told my appointment wasn't for another four weeks. My stomach sank when I heard this, four weeks too a sick junkie is pointless, I wont be sick in four weeks, wtf will I need the suboxone for then?
Now, at the time I was staying with family out in the hills. In a nice area where heroin is looked down upon just as marijuana is. There was no chance of scoring out there and I didnt have the funds too pay for someone too drive too me. The car I had access too was only available too go back and forth too doctors, and im sure they were checking their fancy GPS system too see exactly where I was going.
A few weeks passed, and I was starting too feel better, then the day came when I had my apointment, now it was at this time that I made one of the biggest mistakes I could have. There was no reason for me too get onto the suboxone, I had beat the wd on my own and was starting too feel better. However, the junkie part of me said fuck it lets do it.
Dr.Asshole#2 only prescribed me 8mg/day, which seemed too work for me. I had no depression, and felt good most of the time. I was on this dose for a good 5 months or so, when one night I went too turn my script into the pharmacy and when I came back too pick it up I was informed that Dr.Asshole#2 had forgotten too write the date on the script, and they would not fill it for me.
Now , at this point it was late on a friday night, and the doctor wasnt open until the following Tuesday morning. Let the rattles begin. This caused me a great deal of frustration and anger. I was pissed at her, at you and at anything that moved. The suboxone wd was far far worse than any heroin wd I had been through. I came too the point where I was so upset with the doctor, who I blamed for making me sick. That I said fuck it, and just didnt go back. I suffered for two weeks in bed and eventually woke up one morning and felt alright.
Everything was good, I was off the suboxone, feeling good and had a steady job. Then one weekend a friend of mine that I went too school with randomly showed up at my house. After talking for a few we went back too her place. It was there that I discovered she was using heroin, and thinking with the wrong head I decided I could indulge with her. However I was wrong as fuck and that single day started another almost year long run.
This time there was not going too be a Dr.Asshole#3. I was going too get off the shit on my own. I was able too purchase suboxone from a friend, and was only taking 1mg per day. I felt kinda crappy at first but eventually got used too it. Over the course of a few weeks I weened myself down too 0.250mg and then stopped. As im writing this I am in wd from this small dose. Which the worse symptoms so far are the cold chills and minor back ache, however I am not bed ridden, and can get shit done.
I keep telling myself two things...
1. At least im not kicking in some cold jail cell with some asshole telling me how jesus will save my damned soul.
2. Fuckin hope this is the last time.