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  1. lostagain2014
    I'm starting this blog to help me get and stay clean. In this first entry I'm going back to how it all started. I'm usually a much better writer then what I'm sure this blog will show, and it’s probably much longer than any future entry’s I will post so please be patient with me. This particular subject is very hard for me. Thank you for reading, and any feedback or support is greatly appreciated.Oh I later in the blog I eventually start referring to my ex-husband as just ex.

    For most people thinking back to their freshman year of high school doesn't bring on huge amounts of heartbreak. I'm not that lucky. I turned 14 my the first week of school that year. I was young, just starting to find myself, and excited to finally be in high school. The first semester was amazing. I met my first love who is now the father of my children and unfortunately my ex-husband. I've known the woman I consider my sister since sixth grade but that first semester was when we formed our truly unbreakable bond. I was on top of the world and thought it'd last forever. Christmas break the rug was pulled out from under me, and when it was I started down a path of self destruction that would completely break me.

    My ex-husband spent September and August getting to know each other. When we began dating in October we quickly became inseparable. I know what many of you are thinking.I was just a stupid teenager who thought she was in love.Well I’m here to say the boy I fell in love with that year is the same man I love with all my heart today.Growing up I had a mom who suffered from bipolar disorder with psychotic tendencies who voiced her thoughts that my existence was part of a plot to destroy her, but in the same breath she’d tell me she loved me and to not blame myself the day she drove her car off a cliff.My parents were divorced so I only saw my mom every other weekend and on Wednesdays. Thankfully my dad recognized her inability to raise me full time in her mental state, and moved me in with him.I have always been the single most important thing in my dad’s life with the exception of my own children.My dad tried his best with me, but he was rarely home.It was just the two of us, and the job he had was very demanding but it’s what kept me clothed and fed so that’s where most of his time was spent.My parents separated when I was in 2nd grade so my dad started paying my aunt who lived two doors down to watch me while he worked.There were nights I would already be asleep by the time he got home so he would just bring her the next day’s close and give me a kiss on the cheek before going home.I was a paycheck for my aunt who basically raised me till I was 14.I was never truly accepted by her, and always seemed to be in the way.I watched her be probably one of the best moms in the world to her 2 sons from my own little world of solitude.Her kids got to play sports, go to their friends houses, have friends over, but I wasn’t allowed.It wasn’t even an age thing I’m 3 years older than my little cousin.When I finally got my first real friend I was in sixth grade and she ended up moving an hour away six months after I met her.When my aunt was generous I was allowed to call my friend on the phone after school and that’s how we grew our now unbreakable friendship.

    Due to the circumstances I had to learn at a very early age how to take care of myself emotionally.When I met my ex-husband that disappeared.For the first time in my life there was someone who was more than willing to hold me when I was upset and be goofy with me while I was happy.He stole my heart and he’s the only person other than my kids who have ever had a claim to it.He was then and is now still my knight and shimmering armor.No matter how much damage we inflict on each other when shit goes down and one of us is in need the other will call a truce to the war and we will pick each other up.We became very emotionally dependent on each other very quickly and while I would love to say he was my “first” there was one before him, but he was the first one and only since who matters.We were inseparable.He would meet me every day after school (I was in regular school, he had some discipline problems and had been placed in alternative school) we would spend the afternoon together at either his house or mine only separating right before my dad got home and within ten minutes of my dad parking his truck my ex would be knocking on the door, stay till my dad sent him home, and when my dad went to sleep I would sneak out and crawl through his window to spend the night ending up back home an hour before my dad woke up.That was our routine every day only changing on the weekends when we didn’t have to separate to go to school.

    We were watching my aunt’s dog over Christmas break and apparently one night after I snuck out the usually quiet dog started barking and woke up my dad.When he didn’t find me in my bed he drove straight to my ex’s house and his mom found me hiding in the closet.That’s the night my dad found put the pieces together that his 14 year old daughter was sexually active, and to make matters worse my ex had just turned 17 which mean my dad could have him arrested and he almost did until we made the deal that broke my heart.I had agreed to stay away from my ex if my dad didn’t call the police.The next day my dad made arrangements for me to start staying with my aunt again.When Christmas break ended I lied and told my dad I had after school tutoring so I could sneak time with ex.Well one day my older cousin caught me and told my dad, that night my dad went to ex’s house yelling and screaming at his mom to keep her son the hell away from me.My dad called the school and found out I had never been to tutoring and after that if I it took my longer than ten minutes to get to my aunts I’d lose the few privileges I’d been allowed to keep.

    I was back to my own little world of solitude.Only problem is after having a taste of belonging somewhere I couldn’t make myself squeeze back into that tiny box.I became uncontrollable.I was constantly running away, my dad was getting daily phone calls from the school and my aunt.Every time I did something he would try to put the leash on tighter and I would respond by rebelling more.We lived in a small town and I was hearing about ex doing drugs, drinking constantly, and sleeping with every girl in town some of them for from little pool of “friends”.My aunt refused to take me on the weekends my dad had me, and my mom couldn’t control me so she wouldn’t pick me up anymore so my dad would allow me to spend the weekends at my best friend’s house an hour away.He’d drop me off on Friday and pick me up on Saturday.

    She lived in a lower income neighborhood in the city.It was the exact opposite of the small country town I had grown up in and her mom either didn’t care to keep tabs on us or just forgot we were there so I loved my weekends away.We would sneak out at night and walk the streets which was extremely dangerous in that area looking back.We were mistaken as prostitutes by horny men more than once.On one of these nights we were walking by a house with some guys sitting outside and they called us over.I had caught the eye of the guy I lived there.Back then I was very small weighing in at 95lbs standing 5’3 in the right shoes.I’m still short but the weight is more since those days.They called us up and we hung out with them drinking and smoking pot for the rest of the night.We thought we were the shit because these guys were showing us attention and they were all between 21-26.That became our hang out house.She would sleep with them and I’d get drunk sit on their laps sometimes make out with them and let them get some boob action but I only ever put out for the one who lived there.He was a very smooth talker at 24 years old knew exactly what to say to a 14 year old grasping at any form of affection she could find from a guy.I recognize it for what it was now, a sick bastard taking advantage of a naïve teenager, but back then I really thought he cared about me and wanted a future with me.Lessons learned I guess it makes me sick to my stomach that he’s touched me now.I’m not big into paying attention to age but he had no business even glimpsing at me at his age.

    I was teeter tottering between my dad and aunt attempting to control me down to my every breath at home and having way to much freedom at my friends house, eventually something was gonna collapse and when it did the repercussions were so much more than anyone deserves, much less the lost, insecure, 14 year old that I was.I was tired of hearing about ex and all the girls he was hooking up with.He was also a smooth talker so these girls would come to school and I’d overhear how he had told her all these things and they were going to get married and have kids.I was tired of running into him everywhere and seeing the pain and desperation in his eyes knowing that mine reflected the same thing.I couldn’t handle being so close yet so far away from him.My dad and I who at one point were very close were at each other’s throats almost every night, and if we weren’t at each other’s throats then we simply weren’t talking.My friend had started dating one of the 20something year old and one night they along with his best friend drove the hour to come hang out with me.I snuck out when they got there and we drove around all the back roads when I looked at her and I asked “What if I said I don’t want to go home?” her reply was “I’d say come back with us.” of course the dead beat 20-something year olds weren’t gonna stop us so that’s what I did.

    We drove back, dropped her off at home and knowing the police would be showing up to ask her questions I stayed with the guys.We went to pick up what turned out to be their middle man.They kept talking about buying something but I wasn’t paying attention because I figured they were talking about weed.My friends, boyfriends, best friend obviously wanted to hook up with me and I would catch them making references about how I would open up and this and that after they got the shit.I had been up 24 hours at this point so I passed out in the back seat while they took care of all that.When they woke up we were at the middle mans house and they were excitedly talking to me about how much I was gonna like what they had.They took me to the kitchen pulled it out and gave me a line to snort.I had no clue what it was, but I didn’t think it was a big deal.I drank, smoked cigarettes, snorted pain pills so this was just another thing.

    I didn’t really feel anything after I snorted it but was shocked to realize how quickly 4 hours could pass.I didn’t realize how much I was talking or how false my sense of security was with them.We ended up leaving there and driving to visit a bunch of their friends I didn’t know for the rest of the day till we ended up at my 24 year olds house.I was so excited to see him, after all I could be with him now.I didn’t have to go back home every again so he was free to have me.How stupid my younger self was right!When we got there I spent about an hour with him then lay down in his bed because I was exhausted.He kicked everyone into the living from so I could sleep.

    When he woke me up I got into a fight with my best friend who had come to check on me.She wasn’t pissed I had done the drugs.She ended up storming out of the house after going off.My 24 year old came in to make me feel better and I told him no I was too tired and he said I know I have some more of the stuff you snorted for you, and I said no I didn’t feel like snorting any cause my nose was still bothering me from the first line.He held up so foil and told me problem solved we are going to smoke it.I still said no complaining that all it did was wake me up but now my stomach hurt and I was exhausted and sore.He sat down by me kissed me and said I know baby but smoking it is different.I promise once you smoke it you’ll love it.I could see he really wanted to do this and not only did I have nowhere to go but I wanted to make him love me.I watched him load it and burn it then he handed me a straw and told me how to catch the smoke.

    One hit, that’s all it took and I was in love.We shared that foil then had two more.It took away all the pain, it fixed my broken heart just like that.I felt so close to him.We sat in his room and talked for hours.I felt safe, and secure, and like I finally had a connection again.I was completely and utterly in love with this drug I knew nothing about.That day was the first day of my new life as an addict.

    I wish every day I could go back.People tell me everything I’ve been through has made you so strong, I’ve over come so much, if they had to go through the things I’ve gone through they would never recover.As a teenager I was raped, I was beaten, I was bullied, I was abandoned, but for me the worst thing anyone ever did to me was when these men carelessly gave a stupid teenager drugs in order to try and sleep with her.I didn’t deserve that.That was the first time I ran away and I was there for almost two weeks.I was the only person under 21 in that house, and not one of the around 15adults coming in and out ever tried to stop what was happening.I know I shouldn’t have ran away, I shouldn’t have done the drugs, I realize I’m not innocent in this, but understanding that doesn’t make it easier.

    At the beginning of my freshman year I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.I had a boyfriend who truly loved me and would’ve done anything for me.By the end of my freshman year I was a drug addict.I had grown ass men first creating my addiction, and then feeding it so they could have their way with me.Every day I live with the “gift” they gave me.My addiction has brought me nothing but problem but the way they used me and the people who allowed it have made me an advocate for children and teens.I promise you if I ever walked into a crack house and saw a minor in my position I would not ignore it or pretend it was ok.

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