Ive been thinking a lot about human behavior, drug addiction, behavioral cycles and the relationship of mood and happiness to drug addiction.
Now these are a lot of topics to just throw all of them in one big group and say there we go....bunch of categories that seem to go together, I think we're onto something here.
No, thats not what ive been thinking about.
Ive been thinking about it in a specific order because of what is going through my mind and my decision making process, and ill let you in on it.
I have been extremely happy recently after a moderate amount of sobriety time away from meth. I mean hey its only been a few weeks, but the last time I used it was only for a few days, and then there was a few more weeks of sobriety before that.
Now whats my point? Im sober and happy. Im working on goals, I have hobbies im engaging in, AND ACTUALLY GETTING PLEASURE OUT OF THEM. If you know me, this is big, because I have a difficult time getting pleasure out of anything, ever since I was young.
Yet Im in a dilemma because of my probation and obligations. I have to stay sober the next few days so I can seem healthy and piss clean, even though I never get piss tested, when I go to my probation meeting. This gives me ample time where I have to premeditate my drug use over what will soon be a weeks worth of time.
Planning my drug use, while being happy and content, full of energy, full of life, full of ambition.
What The fuck!?! Why would I want to even go back for a second? I dont, but I do, because no matter how happy I will be, my brain has been hijacked by meth permenantly. It says hey, this reward is the greatest reward, because ive been reprogrammed to view it that way. Now I could try to mentally reprogram. Ive done it before.
But I wont. Because great rewards have a fail safe, they prevent reverse reprogramming in the adaptive event that it would be disadvantageous evolutionarily speaking to avoid rewarding behavior. So im stuck.
Stuck not wanting to change my brain.
The only thing keeping me a safe functional meth user is the fact that it always happens in a cycle. When I run out of dopamine, or my tolerance/sleep deprivation escalates, the reward that is meth just seems to be nonexistent. so rather than chase the high. I accept it and move on. Only for my brain to be triggered again with the knowledge that time has past, the reward is there again.
So the chase begins again.
And that is the curse of meth. I dont know whether I find all of this interesting, or troubling....either way im strangely ok with it...but not at the same time. I have never experienced this level of cognitive dissonance before.