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The Dreamer

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  1. The Dreamer
    I'm crazy. Not bat-shit crazy; that might be fun. I'm the other kind of crazy. The crazy where you're still a normal person with a job and a wife and a life full of everyday tasks. Except that you've got the 'other side' of your brain that just rides your ass all day and makes it impossible to do any of those 'normal' things. Sometimes I think I'd be happier if I just gave in and let myself drift away into insanity. But I can't.

    I can't have a normal 9-5 job or I'll get suicidal. I can't be alone with myself or I'll go crazy. I can't be in a crowd without sweating. I can't decide to do something because I won't go through with it. I can't feel the same way tomorrow as I do today; about anything.

    The thing is that I'm very good at some things. I can love. I love my wife; and she knows it. I don't let her forget it for a second. I can talk people through things. I just sort of assume that if someone has a problem that I can help them to see it from a different point of view. The thing is that when I do that for someone else they're good for a while. I have to fix myself everyday if not more. Then I wake up in the morning and I have a whole new set of troubles.

    I've got some sort of messiah complex. At some point I just took notice of how sad most people are and decided that I could figure out why and what to do about it. I'm constantly calculating; it's not even a choice anymore. Reading and thinking and researching and experimenting. I'm constantly racing the clock to come to some sort of conclusion about life. The Dreamer has gotten out of hand, but I don't think he can be stopped. It's as if I built some part of myself to answer this question and now its slowly cannibalizing the rest of me. It needs more resources, more of me. And its taking me; it's winning.

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  1. The Dreamer
    Actually, my cat wouldn't consider the control drugs provide him as temporary. His mind is consistently 'out of control;' it makes demands and throws fits and confuses his thoughts. And even if my cat cannot get to that imaginary place he calls 'normal' he can decide to feel this way or that. This sort of control has been very useful to him.

    Perhaps I can explain it like this: someone once did an experiment where people where part of a game with prisoners and guards. Each where given a set of rules and procedures to follow. At first it was clear that it was just a game but within a couple of days people said that they lost that sense of otherness or control of the situation. Guards really felt superior and prisoners really felt grief over their lower status. Eventually the experiment had to be canceled because (I think after about a week) people actually got violent and a few prisoners had break-downs.

    Now, if we change the experiment so that everyday at noon the prisoners and the guards ate together and talked without worrying about who was who, I don't think the same results would have been observed. It's likely that the prisoners would have been a bit irritable about being in the same room 24 hours a day for 2 weeks but I don't think it would have become so real for them.

    Drugs give my cat the ability to leave his cell every now and then. He may just be in a different sort of cell with each different thing he takes but it is still a sort of freedom. The drastic, solid isolation that his feelings cause isn't so frightening if every now and then he takes something and has different feelings or feels the same feelings but to a lesser extent. He still has to mediate his feelings but he is no longer a slave to them.
  2. Swimster
    you got that right r.smoker. Swim never wanted to exercise. yet swim always felt guilty for not doing so.

    ...Also, swim don't know about swiys, but he was real compulsive with substance use.

    back to topic though for the OP, sorry for getting out of control with ssri talk.


    ...Swim feels similar to Dreamer about the "control" thing. Psychotropic substances seem to always be an temporary escape from not feeling in contol. Especially Euphoriants. Although they might worsen problems with excessive usage in users future. Like fightclub said though, it sounds like an ego thing. Swim personally tries to not contradict his discissions anymore.
  3. The Dreamer
    Personally, my cat likes to experiment with his own medicines. Cannabis, Salvia, LSA, shrooms, exc. It makes him feel like he's in control of how he feels for once. Maybe its all in his head but he likes it a lot more than the drugs his doctor used to prescribe for his depression. Perhaps, he needs something that varies a little instead of that same old mellow feeling the SSRI's gave him.

    As far as the Messiah issue I think its sort of a gift and a curse. I find that I can sit through things with people and go to great lengths to try and help them. But then again I can turn into a freak if I don't watch my thought patterns.
  4. Richard_smoker
    what in the hell can SSRI's do to a personality...makes me wonder if my dose wasn't too high. I finally just got off them completely when I realized that I had become SOOOO lazy & fat, & would never even CONSIDER either diet OR exercise...

    i'm pretty sure it was the SSRI that fostered and enabled this lazy, complacent indifference... who needs to be "happy" at the expense of not being able to feel ANYTHING... -my thoughts, DICK
  5. sylenth
    nice blog report dreamer i can relate to this & even have people calling me a messiah & laughing about it. so that word has popped up with me having the same feelings with it. i have ocd so it would explain the lengths one goes through trying to help others, yet you do'nt give your self time. you do'nt want to feel selfish but really you haved to.

    as fight club said you should try meditation & i do'nt know if you're a vegetarian cos i recently became a vegetarian & it helps in many ways. any way you not alone i'm also a crusader to humankind which becomes draining.
  6. The Dreamer
    Where would one find guided meditation courses? That would be helpful.
  7. Fight Club
    NIK thinks the feelings you have are your ego battleing for control of your mind . . . and winning. NIK's felt the same way many times. It's a good time to find a way to self-sooth without drugs; you may be headed towards addiction / OCD otherwise.

    Try meditation. Take a guided meditation class if you have never done it before. Yoga helps as well. You need to find a way to quiet your inner voice that starts chattering faster and faster until you can't hear yourself think any longer.

    FC
  8. seeingred
    I am exactly the same, but craziness is healthy.
    Messiah Complex. That's funny...I don't think you sound at all like you need help or nething, in fact the real crazies are the ones who prescribe to society.
  9. Swimster
    Swim was extremely lazy on them too! Hardly even moved around on them. They made him feel emotionless. Stuck at the same level.

    Anyway, expect to feel like crap for a long while after getting off ADs, because it took swim like 2 months or more. It made me think it was mental problems i had. But, later-on things just started to spark again.

    Good luck
  10. The Dreamer
    I was on antidepressants for a while but they didn't seem to do much. They made my kat happy with what he had and docile. He would rather be a kat on his toes than a respectable young chap who never gets off his ass. Sometimes I think the sad is good and that it drives him. My cat just needs to learn how to function with it.

    I'm glad my feelings have been met with sympathy and understanding. Sometimes my kat is afraid of them and hides them.

    :vibes: :thumbsup: ;)
  11. Swimster
    Swim Used-to think that way EXATLY what you describe. It's like nithing is good enough for yourself, or that you have a hard time believing things. Is Swiy on SSRI ADs?

    Swim had your problem when he got off of Sertraline.

    The hardest part was feeling different everyday. Like you know something is wrong with you, yet, you cant figure it out. You keep trying to figure it out by proposing possible problems with yourself. Also, you want to live life the way it is supposed to be lived, yet, you can never figure out the truth to life.

    Then youll occasionally notice that most of your worries, if not all, is unnessesary anxiety, too-much worry! That there is FAR too-much chatter in your head, you basically annoy yourself! It's horrible dude. And you cant stop. It's like you can't make up your mind about ANYTHING! like you have no personality.

    This was swim story. Ending about 3 weeks before now. It took about 2+ months(cant remember) since being off ADs for swims anxiety to finally subside.

    Sorry for jabbering, be sure to let me know if this is not your case. Sorry if it isn't.

    Good luck dude...It's Crazy feeling...
  12. Metomni
    Actually, SWIM knows EXACTLY how you feel. Couldn't have put it into words any better. These feelings are part of why SWIM decided to go into the Psych field.

    It has also developed a rift in his psyche. You know the rift I'm talking about, the one where you're so good at solving others' problems that you know that it's within you to solve your own. But no....It's all a facade.