So it's been awhile since I've posted to my blog, and thankfully I haven't been as gacked out as I was the last time I posted. May I remind you that these are the words and thoughts of my drug addicted cow flossy who doesn't have hands to type.
Last year was full of good times and hard times. I have recovered from my broken arm, with some loss of range in motion and strength, but that was to be expected.
After France I found myself falling into the same melancholy lifestyle I've been living. No reason to get out of bed, and depression sitting in, I realized it was time to go see my old psychiatrist, not the one I have at the VA. My provider there still looks at me as a drug addict, my old psychiatrist never has and still doesn't label me. So I cut back on some of the psych meds I didn't feel did anything and started back on Ritalin and Clonazepam, at his recommendation.
I immediately felt better. (FYI I am prescribed Ritalin for narcolepsy not ADHD) Now here comes the dilemma. Was this a good or bad thing given my history of addiction to amphetamines. I told myself that as long as I took them as prescribed and by the prescribed ROA I'd be fine. But it only took a day till I was back to snorting them again. And well since this is my blog and the place to be honest, I must admit my motivation for going back on Ritalin was weight loss. I've gained some weight since I stopped using on a regular basis.
But then there is my old vice, the demon I've fought for so long facing me still. The difference is I'm not using daily. Just every so often and special occasions. Last year I used maybe 5 times (of course that's about three days each time). The difference this time is I'm not mixing meth with Ritalin and anything else I got my hands on. But this year I've used twice already, within a week or two of each other.
And that's when the fear kicked in. Do I really have the strength to control my use to a binge here and there. Or am I headed down that dark and twisted path again.
Am I fooling myself here or can I be a recreational user. If we go by my past experiences, the answer is a definite NO. But physically it starts to make me feel sick by day two or so, and really what I'm getting isn't all that great, it's like playing Russian roulette each time Flossy my cow scores on if its going to be crap or good, am I gonna get shorted or will it weigh.
But it didn't concern me till this last time. I had no special occasion (like a friend or relative in town), it hadn't been a month or so, and it didn't come looking for me. I just wanted it, got more than I usually do, and had to lie to my accountant to get the extra money.
What's worse is my tweaker friend I get it through and usually do it with hung out the whole time smoking all mine cause he's broke and then it goes faster than planned, then I'm all frustrated. Especially since he's one of those talker types that no matter what won't stop talking even long after you have stopped listening, and actually day two he really gets on my nerves but I'm too nice to say go away (that and the fact for him to go away I have to drive him).
So I suppose what happens next, how this story turns out is how I interpret this information, process it, and act. It really only has one of two ways in ending. I see the path I'm going down and stop!!!! Or continue thinking I can be a recreational user and end up right back where I was before I got clean... for those that know me, you'll remember my forced detox at the beginning of last year when my homeboy disappeared on me with my money and my scale not to be heard from again (till right before Christmas, knew I'd eventually hear from him again)
Every time I use I wonder why? The initial rush, and then motivation to get things done, is long in the past. Being up a couple days isn't fun anymore and is taxing on my body and brain. So why the hell do I do it? Well any meth addict knows the answer to that one.
The other factor is I only have one tweaker friend and since I drive him everywhere when we hang out, I've started to meet his connects, and well we all know how that story goes. I wanna be at the bottom of the totem pole, I don't wanna be a player in the game again. But those of you who have wrestled the same demon knows how easy it happens, before you know it, your a player.
I guess only time will tell what will happen, I mean I can sit here and say that I'm so not gonna anymore, but we also know my word isn't crap when it comes to my demon. It's back to that one day at a time, and maybe dumping the "friend" and possibly admitting to those in my support circle of what I've been doing. Not my family though, I can't put them through that again. I'm still trying to build back that trust. These are all easier said then done. But I'll keep keeping on and trying my best to beat the demon inside me for good. But for now that's it. It always helps to come to my blog and spew out the things I fear to tell others.
Thank you for reading this and your continued support. This fight would be so much harder without my DF family!
Peace out! Till Next time!!!
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The Future, where does it lead?