Another month has passed. September was, for me, an introspective month in many different ways. First, there is the whole "changing of the seasons" thing, which always has a tendency to make one think about things that don't seem quite so important when the sun is shining and the summer is ripe with the promise of life. As a practicing Pagan, the Wheel of Life means a bit more to me than it might for most, as I understand not only the symbolism but the actuality of its purpose. September is the month in which we get ready for death. Oh, it's not here yet! But it is coming, and there is no denying it any more. When the sun is high and summer is in full bloom, we can fool ourselves, because winter is still far off, but not now. Not any more.
So, I get a bit introspective during this time. I look back and see all that I have accomplished so far, but I also see all of the things that I will not be able to do, all of the things that I have not accomplished or have failed at and have not had the courage to try again. And yet, I also understand that one would not exist without the other, there would be no summer without a winter, no success without failure. No life without death. One must have the other, indeed, one defines the other!
And so, in the midst, of despair, I have hope. Surrounded by winter, I remember summer, and hold it firmly within my mind. I deny death, and scream out in joyous celebration of life, surrounding myself with its memories and symbols and holding fast against the long nights yet to come.
I have been doing a lot of thinking this month. About my life and my health, the direction I am moving towards and whether it is where I want to go. Whether I even have a choice in the matter! While I am a firm believer in the captaincy of ones fate, I also have to factor in the wishes and desires of others, as well. Obviously, when one is married and has a family, one is not as free to act upon ones desires as one who is single. Your fate is no longer your own, and your decisions affect much more than your immediate person. So, you make compromises. You give up a little personal freedom in exchange for the privilege of being a part of the happiness of another.
Is it worth it? Well, at almost any other time, I would agree that it is whole-heartedly. But this is September, and it is a month to wonder "What if...?"
Time moves on, and so does Life. There is really no need for wishing and wondering, if it is that important to you, then make it happen. I would not trade my life with anyone, while at the same time, I wish it was....better, somehow. Less stress and worry. More money! But I'm OK with the way things are right now, because I understand just how much wore things could be. I have been in many different places in this world, and I know just how good I really do have things! It could be so very much worse.
But back to September! I had a few medical issues this month that are being resolved and there is only one thing left to finish, which is the endocrinology stuff. After that, I am done with doctors unless it is a damn emergency! I will have been checked out "from stem to stern" as they say. I am glad, because it will be a lot less stress in my life, always wondering whether or not the tests came back OK or what they showed. My relationships with the wife and kids are about the same, they are very understanding while I am going through this hormone shit and they are putting up with my craziness. Financially, things are tight, but there is nothing new about that, I have fallen behind on my pledges and donations to the forum, but will be making good on all of my commitments in another few months. My car is broke and I am not sure why, and I am NOT going to just throw money at the damn thing in the hopes that I guess right. Actually, I don't even care about the car, but the wife gets freaked out by me being here without any transportation and my medical condition and all. Which is ridiculous! Sweet, but ridiculous.
But there are some high points! The crop of MMJ is absolutely beautiful this year, it is still in the ground, but I have already taken the first cutting and I will get a second, albeit smaller, one before years end. I have six different strains going right now, with four of then in flower-Cherry OG, Purple Poison, White Widow, and Bruce Banner. The two strains that are currently in vegetative growth are Sour Willie and an unidentified Sativa-dominant strain that I picked up in Southeastern Arizona's high desert. I have new pics posted over on my profile page, for those who may be interested. I ended up with over 13 ounces of the Cherry OG from just three plants! That is, of course, fresh-picked, after curing and drying the total weight will go down quite a bit. I also have a few ounces of the White Widow in the cure and dry phase at the moment, as well. The Purple Poison first crop will be cut in two days and then I will start covering everything at night because we are expecting our first frost/freeze on Thursday. I figure as long as I keep things covered during this time, I can ride it out and still get another month of growth and the second crop before we get consistent freezing temps. The Sour Willie and the AZ strain will be kept indoors and grown throughout the winter. And on top of everything else, I should be saving a butt-load of money, which is just icing on the cake!
I expect that as the temps drop, my participation here will increase. Which is good, I have not been around very much at all here lately. Because of a number of reasons (but mostly getting burned out at the same old shit time and time again), I have not been on-line very much at all, and all of my cyber-life has suffered. I miss not being here, while at the same time I was ready to drop out for good just a short time ago. THAT is an issue that is still not resolved, but time will tell, I guess.
I am glad that September is over. Lets get the darkness started and over with! Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and the New Year, and then it is warm again!
And so the Wheel of Life turns. Everything changes, while everything stays the same. We have a professional sports season to look forward to, birth and death, happiness and sorrow. A season of giving and of remembering, of giving thanks for what we have while dreaming of the morning in which we become kids again and rush around opening new surprises. A time of stillness and quiet, while preparing for a time of riotous new life. A time to think about things and a time to put those thoughts into action.
But nothing ever really changes. Our lives, while filled with movement and action and dreams and failures, are less than the blink of an eye. We are here, and then we are gone. All of our rushing around and living, and for what? What now?