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The Rain Cloud and the Silver Linings.

Rating:
4/5,
  1. Meow Tse Dung
    My Cat normally doesn't like spreading his problems, but to write it down make him able to reflect upon them, and get the weight of his paws.

    His Family has a misbalance, trying to be the most honest possible, I'd say his mother is a perturbation. Then my Cat is an explosive, or at least doesn't make things better. His sister is passive to the extent of being a victim, and blames my cat for the fact that he makes matters worse. Then his dad is... his dad.

    My Cat is very different from the rest of his family, he is not the same person when at the family home then when he is away, or to be more precise, my Cat isn't the same person when his mother isn't far.
    Now I must point out that my Cat has a problem with his mother, and I don't know if saying that he loathes her is powerful enough.
    To try to explain it, most of the time: her mere presence irritates my Cat within like the worst histamine release possible, he cannot help to react violently when she touches him, it's automatic and unconscious, when she talks my Cat cannot help but grow angry.
    Some times things go ok, but there isn't a day without tension.

    Now on the other hand, when not around her, my Cat is one of the most docile creatures to be found, loving, caring, constantly holding someone in his arms, constantly smiling, and happy. He has enough love to go around, for everybody and anybody. (with one exception being a person who is very similar to my cat's mother in his eyes).
    The only place my Cat has ever cried is at his own home (and once at his Girlfriends house when she was trying to cleanse him mind).
    But when he is at home, or thinks of home: he thinks of arguments, his occasionally cruel attitude, of anger, violent violent anger, my Cat has broken a few things out of anger, but still doesn't reach his mothers record of several tens of plates, glasses, windows, doors, even crashed a car.
    Well, when he thinks of his mother, that what he thinks of, there have been times when his mother has been away, where my Cat, his Sister, and his Father have gotten along so well, with out ever fighting.
    Also, people tend to not like him, and find him to be a different person when he's just came back from a long-ish stay at his family home.

    I say "come back from the family home" because for the last 8 years my Cat has been in boarding school, or been in a foster-home (as he was last year).
    And at the beginning of his life away from "home" he still was very histrionic, up to the time a lovely young girl from his boarding school "adopted" him. He had already had a similar relation with other people, like one of his friends mother who he latter felt some love for, and some "au pair" girls. All of the previous ones had little significance on his life, but now, he really had something very important, a person who he saw every day who would actually tell him off when he was bad, teach him how to control his anger, and she just made him feel normal or OK. This girl was very fun and queer, in a way were my Cat acutely called her mother, or mommy, and she would ask many of he friends to marry her. In the end, my Cat had several dozens of fathers, and ten or so other mothers.
    This was my Cat's first silver lining. A new mother, a new family, a new beginning.

    But then came the day that my Cat had to leave that school. His real mother still had some negative influence on him, he still did get angry, much less often, but boy... it was violent. Shaking from rage, shouting in a powerful voice (my Cat had sung in many choirs, and it built a loud voice), destructive rampages, alcohol abuse (drunk in and out of school), and lead to my Cat first abuse of 'drugs', when he took 8 caps of Prozac somebody had given to him in a rolling paper.

    Buy this time my Cat is 15. And for the second time in his life, my Cat is asked to not come back to the school. This one is funny, because there was corruption from the schools behalf to get my Cat's blood test to say he had taken a lot of Benzos, my Cat has never taken any benzos even though he is curious about their effects. I know it might be hard to believe, but the school did have that kind of power, and welcomed children of powerful people.

    All these extra problems with schools made my Cat's life at home more of a living hell, as the parents were always getting angry at the fact that my Cat wasn't a good element in school, and that he wasn't working, etc...
    One thing that my Cat currently finds disgusting is that my Cat was drinking far to much and his parents didn't react, but to-day when my Cat sparks of a joint his mother picks a fit.

    Anyway, over the three years in high school, that should of been two, but my Cat had to redo a year because he failed it, my Cat started using more and more drugs, and especially weed. Weed over all the others made my Cat a calm kitty, and his anger problems subsided. Not much less energetic, but definitely less destructive and angry.
    Also during this time the repressed anger would spurt out, like his violent out breaks when he was young, but in a less explosive and more cruel way. These are the moments girlfriends would dread, because he could end up hurting them. Several incidents have came from this over the three years, of which my Cat is truly ashamed.
    This cruel personality spurt would often go in pairs with his most recent girlfriend's spurts of cruelty. One place to not be, is between those two when something is going down.

    And one of my Cat's problems with his mother skyrocketed from there, when my Cat was young he was very angry, violent and histrionic, but didn't argue much with his mother. But when my Cat started using drugs, and she discovered my Cat was sexually active, the arguments kept on coming.
    But all these additions to his life (sex not being much of and addition for my cat when he was 16), like relationships with girls and guys, weed, and coke, and music made him feel so much more elated in life, gave him the feelings of happiness that he had lacked for so long. More then he ever had before, and he must admit the drugs were the thing that made the most difference.

    But from there, my Cat's mother started viewing him as just a Junky, and screaming that he should get into detox. Meanwhile my Cat didn't know how to respond, he wasn't at all as violent, and didn't blow up like before.
    To avoid blowing up, but none the less add the anger to the discussion, my Cat learnt how to make arguments worse, how to pick at words, to frustrate his mother, to make her eyes glisten as she would scream, how to make her put her self in danger of harming her self.
    This is what my Cat's sister doesn't like in my Cat: if anyone gets angry, and my cat isn't in a god mood, that person will blow up more violently then they ever have before.

    The recent drought of weed has brought out some of my Cat's violent origins, as he recently broke a door handle and reminded his family of his bellowing voice.

    But that's my Cats rain cloud... his mother and the negative effect he she has had on him, to what extent he cannot bare her presence, touch, or voice, and the cruelty he has developed when he is a bit moody.
    Living away from home, drugs, and relationships on the other hand, would be qualified as the Silver linings.

    But my Cat's mother desperately loves him, and would do anything for him.
    Some times my Cat doesn't know how to feel.

Comments

  1. sassyspy
    That sounds like it must have been a tumultuous time for your cat, and it still festers today. That is really not good for him, you know! When wounds fester they often cause irreparable damage, and we end up wondering if we could have done more to save our cats. :vibes:
  2. luckyeppie
    I totally understand how being in this family situation can fuck a person up. But at the end of the day, everyone has to take their own personal responsibility in both acknowledging their role in said situation and in taking power to get away from it. The mother seems to be getting all the blame in this family, why hasn't the father recieved any blame for allowing his children to remain in such an abusive environment? Why does passivity seem less easy to blame? Sometimes we can identify where we rebelliously make the situation worse, which is totally understandable, we want to make them pay for their failures and abuse, but you seem to have already worked out that this is not the answer. Children should not have to take responsibility for fixing their parents, the only thing they can do is deal with their own issues and sometimes parents will respond by finally addressing their own problems. If they don't, the only thing one can do is move on and build one's own life.

    Scapegoating leads to future projection, as is already evident in the choice of parners who can be controlling and in being violent towards them. The only answer is to learn how to not be like either the mother OR the father in any relationship, neither agressive nor passive and to seek out people who live in a totally different way. The best way to do this is to gain a full understanding of oneself through in depth psychodynamic therapy, to identify all parts of the self and the parental intrajects which unconsciously drive ones behaviour and lead one to seek out similar unhealthy relationships. Drugs help to dull the pain, but they dont facilitate full understanding or change ;)
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