I was supposed to have shipped off for bootcamp around now. I was enlisted in the Marine Corps and had all my paperwork done. But around two weeks ago something inside of me I had been attempting to strangle erupted and roared out, "FUCK THIS!!!"
I feel so damn free now. Like a massive weight has been lifted off my chest. I can grow out my hair, use drugs with reckless abandon, and become some sort of wild hippie creature if I so choose. More importantly, I am standing by the beliefs I value most of peace and love. I cannot believe now that for even one moment I had been so selfish as to be willing to kill to further my ambitions. Why was I going to fight for a cause I didn't even believe in? Just because I could reach my goals a few years sooner? How disgusting of me. War is the root of so much pain in the world. I almost commited, what appears to me to be, a horrific sin.
What has caused this about face in my lifes path you may wonder? Well even if you didn't wonder you shall be informed regardless. Around two months ago I had the most wonderful trip of my life on a combination of LSA and DXM. During it I came to see how my desires were clouding my judgement and how my decisions were causing me so much anguish. I realized that no matter how I tried to justify it, my decision was horribly wrong. I was taking what appeared to be the easy way out, a shortcut at the expense of others. Truth is that I think I would have never forgiven myself for those four years I would have been a detriment to my fellow man. The solution was so simple all along; reject your desires and the waters of your mind will ease their turbulent flow. Be patient and your mud will settle and the water will once again be clear.
This isn't to say that my decision was purely the product of this trip, however it certainly made the clarion call of dissent all the louder in my heart. I cannot express how at peace I felt after I told my recruiter I had changed my mind. This was of course after I had to meet him in order to get my vital documents back. The man was so livid I was bracing myself for some sort of physical assault. I never intended to jerk him around and waste months of his time, but nontheless this is what I did so I cannot blame him for his anger.
Now I am starting anew, leaving LA, and going back home to Connecticut. I'll have to work hard, save up for a vehicle, and endure very cold winters. I will also be attending the local community college, and getting a two bedroom apartment with my mother. Things that I used to have too much pride to do. I have become much more humble in the past year living alone in this enormous city. After all, when have I ever made it anywhere alone in my life? I am just glad that I realized my mistakes now while I am so young instead of regretting them later.
So, I am back! I have missed DF, I swear I had horrific withdrawals for the first two weeks I left. My fingers would constantly begin typing www.drugs-f into the address bar of their own volition haha. However I think this addiction is a much healthier one than the choice I was going to make. I have missed seeing the posts of many people I have come to know here and am looking forward to partaking in the the forum once again.