Hello all! I've been waiting for this moment. To blog on Drugs-Forum, that is...
I won't let you down! So, let get to it, shall we?
Earlier today, my friend from YouTube sent me a very heartfelt, emotional message today. It's hard to sum up the content. Basically, he expressed to me his concern for my life, and how it saddens him to see me so deep into this meth addiction. But, you know me, I laugh in the face of danger, right? HAHAHA move over death you don't bother me!
...Well, sorry - Not this time my friends. His message actually got to me a bit. Yes, that's right, he penetrated through my seemingly impenetrable exterior that would regularly deflect fears of death, and other cynical aspects of addiction.
See, I'm sort of like Darth Vader's Death Star, and his message was sort of like Luke Skywalker in his X-Wing Fighter jet. If you've seen the original Star Wars, Luke executes a few nifty maneuvers like the Jedi boss he is, fly's to the very center of the Death Star, shoots some sort of tiny component that apparently held together the entire Death Star. Now that I think of it, that was a poor display of structural integrity on Vader's part... Think if you're going to build a mechanical star, you could at least spring for more than one support beam. I guess Yoda didn't cover Architecture during Jedi training... But I digress...
So what I mean by that analogy, his message got through to me a bit, and my heart is sort of like that support beam. He blasted it with lasers of made out of sympathy. I didn't quite explode like the Death Star, but I sort of had a type of explosion... Of words. A word explosion? Yes.... No... Fuck me, okay, I'm not expressing myself properly here... So... What I'm going to do is post for you all his message, and naturally, my response to him. He got me venting some things about me I guess I needed to get off my chest. A lot of it was very personal, but, I love you guys and I got nothing to hide... I basically explain what I've been feeling lately.
Note that wherever I referred to his name in my reply, I replaced it with... Ah, I know, "Luke". Perfect. His message to me is just below in orange font, and my reply will begin just after that, in green font.
Subject:Getting hard to watch
I just want you to know how I'm feeling. I know i can't get you to make any of the decisions I want you to, and I know I'm just a musician you met online when you subbed to me. But I feel like I'm just watching you deteriorate, and I watch your vlogs thinking "how long will this channel even be here? Do I even know he'll be alive to make another one tomorrow?" And it just.. I'd never stop watching, I don't want to not know what's going on with you, I just wish I could help you so bad. Your mind is asleep, your soul is wrought with chaos, and I just want you to have relief. I just had to say that.
Date: 11/18/12 From: EarthboundMisfit89
Subject:Re:Getting hard to watch
Wow Luke... I admire you for speaking your mind... And I must say, it's actually a really nice feeling to hear genuine concern coming from a friend. I want you to know that these are words that I won't be able to brush off my shoulder as easily as I do most other things. I can really pick up on your sincerity.
If I were to say you are making a judgment error in your assessment of my situation, well, I'd be wrong. I mean, I understand the state I'm in and your words are well warranted. I've been pushing it to the limit, the past year in particular. I know how much I'd need to cut back to put me in the safe zone. I understand this drug well, it hasn't got me fooled. I'm aware of how much usage is enough to put me in the danger-zone, yet I don't make the necessary adjustments to bring me down to at least a relatively safe level. I understand it, and I'm allowing it. Right now, I suppose I am playing a very risky game.
I often say "I don't worry about death", but, I never really fully grasped the idea that I could actually really die at any given time... I don't fear it, but life is definitely and obviously my ideal preference. Hearing the way you laid it out, maybe I really have let myself get closer to death than I realize.
My soul - my mind - is a pretty chaotic place right now you're right. Not chaotic in the sense that everything is scattered and unfocused. I see things in total clarity, but what I can see isn't all that good. It's more so chaotic in the sense that I've been having these intense feelings towards what I guess most would consider to be cynical, unhealthy thoughts.
I hate being pitied by others. To pity someone, I think is condescending. It's like saying "my life is much better than that poor persons", but from you I don't feel pity, I feel sympathy, and... It's really hard for me to admit this to someone, but I feel like I'm a bit starved for sympathy. Instead I'm drowning in this endless sea of pity that more and more people keep contributing to every day. I fucking hate it man, to be honest. Especially when people comment on my Life as an Addict vlog with something like "yeah I used to think the way you did, you're going to regret it one day" - Like c'mon, 80% of the people who watched it maybe watched 2 or 3 minutes of it, didn't really listen, or at least didn't understand the point I was making at all, and just drew up the conclusion "aw this poor degenerate" within 10 seconds. Or they say "you have so much more potential, I wish you could see this".... I'm not blind, I understand my potential, I have good self esteem. The whole idea of the vlog was to help people understand my addiction from my point of view. I hate being misunderstood, more than anything, it drives me insane. Especially if I've laid out my situation in the most blunt, and open way possible. Because at that point there is nothing more I can do to try and get people to understand me, and if they still misunderstand me, which believe me, they do, then I guess they never will, because all my options are exhausted. I have to live with and accept the fact that I'm going to be misunderstood a lot.
Fair enough. Not a lot of people can relate to meth addiction coupled with clinical depression.
I don't even ask for people to relate... Just... Listen to me, and don't treat me like a lost, misguided person who is lying to myself. I HATE when people tell me the words I speak are spoken blindly, and then... grrr.... THEN they have the gall to tell ME what I'M thinking. They tell me MY thoughts... Where do they get this nerve from exactly?? And like I said, Ive already told the truth - and bluntly - so there is nothing I can do after that. Truth is the final form of expression, if that fails, I'm powerless. In a situation like mine, I guess most people are just going to misunderstand, pity and look down on you.
Sorry man, I'm venting. This isn't directed at you or anything, you're one of the few people that I feel no judgment radiating from. Just a genuinely concerned friend who doesn't tell me what my problems are, or what my "actual" thoughts are. I appreciate that, more than you'd know. Thank you.
I mean, I only blame myself for my problems. Sometimes I put up a front, like I'm okay, and a generally happy guy. In all honesty I struggle with depression every day. I've almost gotten used to it. So when I say "I feel happy today" it's like I'm really saying, I'm not horrendously depressed today. I'm lucky most days to achieve apathy. Apathy is my new happiness. And anything above apathy - real happiness - is like something out of a fictitious novel. I hope for apathy, but usually I'm a notch or two below. I would love to feel nothing... Isn't that fucked up? I strive for neutrality. I yearn for the feeling of mediocrity. Nothingness is what I HOPE for, happiness is just like some sort of elusive folklore.
Like I was saying, I want sympathy sometimes and I'll admit that to you. I mean, I'm human at the end of the day... But it's not something you can just go out and ask for. I don't want my vlogs to come off as cry's for help... And even if I did reach out for sympathy, which I refuse to do, all I would get in return anyway is.... yep, more pity! Hah fuck me, I can't win even if I tried.
No one likes to admit they just want people to feel for them... But I feel since you were so open with me, I can, and should be open with you... I guess what I truly want, is for people to understand the way I feel without pitying me. And, I'm afraid that's not something that can be achieved, what with our judgment-addled world and all. All I can do is try be strong as best I can, forget about trying to get people to really understand me, and just act like the person they expect and want me to be. It's not as though I put up a fake personality, but I try and force out emotions. I don't want to let anyone down. Do you get what I mean by that Luke?
I know this drug is doing some horrific things to my mind and body... But it's actually holding me together in a lot of ways. But, not holding me together like firmly welded girders, but rather holding me together with glue, string, and band-aids. One day, when push really comes to shove, I promise I will get better Luke. I will stop reapplying the band-aids, let myself fall to pieces, and build myself back up again into the person I know I can be.
It felt good to say all that.
Thanks again bro. I'll talk to you soon.
And there it is. I'm not quite sure what I want to achieve by posting this here. I guess, like I mentioned, I just want you guys to know how I'm feeling. It's hard for to ask for support and help... I don't know what I'm trying to say... Or I can't say it properly anyway... I feel shy for the first time ever on this forum.
Fuck my life, now I'm crying... I'm not as strong as some of you might think.
I act like I feel no pain sometimes... I'm so depressed.
I act like nothing gets to me, I can brush the world off my shoulder...
I feel like Atlas. Instead of holding the world up, I'm holding up my own world. There is no one on this planet but me. I feel so alone sometimes. In reality, I AM all alone all the time. Physically, and mentally. No one can hear me.
I hate waking up... I just want to be back asleep again, back into that nothingness never wake up... I imagine that's what death must feel like. Right now that sounds so much better then this conscious nightmare of despair and anguish. I have had happy moments, but have never been happy as a whole. Ever. I'm never fucking happy... I've had my heart stomped on so many times, yet have never broke a heart. I've been stabbed in the lung, yet never hurt a fly. My family is a bunch of alcoholics, I drank one night on an occasion, I get fucked over and lose my license and car. I get wrongfully accused of stealing money, and get fired - Because I have tattoos and am not a prissy fuck like the other employees they had to make up some bullshit to fire me.
What do people see when they look at me?
A good person shrouded by an evil entity?
Or an evil person rolling around in his own filth?
A soulless, mindless drug addict?
Or a tortured degenerate? - A slave to his own over-emotional tendencies.
A childish daydreamer, who thinks he can just sit around and sing songs all day?
A fuck up?
Do they see a shimmer in my eye? Or nothing at all?
Am I a hideous monster?
Have they got me figured out? Or am I a complex enigma?
What the fuck am I to the world? Do they feel bad?
They just fucking love pitying me don't they? Smug bastards I can see it on their faces.
Good for you, your better than a no-life.
Can they see through me? Or does their vision go no further than the lens of my eye?
Am I pretentious? Do I try too fucking hard? Or not hard enough?
Can they see realism in me?
Do they see my head in the clouds, or my feet planted firmly, down to earth?
I have no idea. When I look in the mirror, at any given time, I'll see any one those persona's. Depends on how high I am, depends on how depressed I am. Sometimes I stare straight into my own eyes. I try not to focus both eyes on one pupil, but direct each eye into it's own... and I get a warm feeling, I can see my mind, and I like what I see. And I know I got what it takes, I know I'm a strong, good person.
Other times I see a hideous monster, who sold his own fortitude for a cheap dirty chemical.
:cry: what do you guys see??
Please tell me what you see!