I'm still in shock,I'm still reeling.My darling J after four years of struggle and adoration has finally left my world.It looks as if she was determined and this time it is for good.
I told her I can't lose anymore people I love.The last time it happened I was ruined,this time I will be destroyed.I know I should accept this,I know I am a failure and that for a large part it is my fault but this does not lessen the hurt.How could it?
This is the person that was my bestfriend,my lover,my little girl,my mommy and everything else I could ever need.This is the person that sat and watched with big and sad eyes while swim slipped into the depths of opiate addiction.This is also the person that was at swim's side,warm and understanding while he lay in bed shivering and curled into a ball begging for a fix.This is the person that smiled with pride when swim walked into his first appointment with a suboxone doctor.
This is the person that told me I was beautiful no matter how ugly and old I got and that they would be proud to be at my side even when I'm old and senile.I'm losing the most beautiful person on earth.I don't play with one night stands or trivial relationships these days.With me when I find someone to love,I will love them until the very end.When they go a part of my heart is taken.
She never knew how beautiful she was,like alot of girls she thought of herself as "ugly".But she is the most beautiful person on earth.I know I did my best to show her this everyday.I wonder if she ever knew how much I worshiped and adored her?
I don't know if you will see me on df that much in the coming weeks.I know it will get to the point where I won't even wish to get out of bed.As I told her I'm going to die inside a little more day by day.I'm going to become dull and without life and even things I enjoy will become meaningless.The horrible truth has been revealed.I was meant to lose everything I love.
She told swim to be strong and not to let opiates take over again.Swim can't lie to her though.Swim won't be strong.Swim isn't strong.If swim is thankful for one thing it is the fact he did quit opiates for awhile because now his tolerance is greatly reduced and swim will be able to get more bang for his buck.Atleast opiates are always there,they aren't complicated,they never abandon swiy provided swiy can pay for them.
I wish I was never born.