This old bee has seen, done and experienced many things in this life but the past couple of days have made even this old girl realise that she wouldn't wish this suffering, pain, pain and more pain upon ANYONE.
For those who don't know the story so far my sister has been fighting the progression of terminal lung cancer for the past 15 months. Various tortures Imean treatments have included physically dusting lungs with acid to retard fluid build up, chemotherapy for eight month, experimental chemotherapy something similar to antifreeze or anti boiling your radiator is dripped slowly into your veins. Drug trials Frankenstein stuff really but honestly when it's happening you will try anything. Palliative chemotherapy has now failed and we are at the last stop in this train ride to the inevitable which is 10 daily doses of radiation.
How bad can that be I thought after everything else has done its worst. Like one of those TV adds but wait there's more. After sending her in for what I thought was going to be a little lie down in the bed for 25 mins, had to sit outside and hear the moans of pain that no one can offer any help or relief for they are on their own, then wheel back to the car for the trip home where every bump in the road causes even more agony.
Last night looking into her eyes as she was locked in pain was almost soul destroying as I can't do a bloody thing to ease the pain. Tryed lifting her up and walking a couple of steps as she cramps up from not moving. She doesn't want you to touch her much ad it just makes it hurt worse so dammed if you do don't etc. Finally as last resort and her pleading propped her up on the toilet and let her have a cigarette. I'm reading this fellow members and feeling ashamed and very ineffectual as I don't like encouraging anyone to smoke tobacco BUT can you guys tell me what you would do? I can't let her plead like that and it did indeed make her relax finally and allow the pain meds to finally work for a while.
Today while everyone in the family was busy I hid a can of a really good smell neutraliser in her bathroom for next time and it won't be long till we use it. She now informs me as her legal exec when you know what I mean that she is donating her body to medical research so then I had the words can't describe it but unreal it feels like its happening to someone else experience of explaining what this entails to my mother ie no funeral but we've accepted it as her wish and hopefully it will help someone else positively. It's harder for my mother as her generation and I guess mine also expects the funeral as part of the process of grief, life etc resolution I guess if possible but in mums case I suspect it will have a very big toll on her health.
To finish we have decided to prepare for a celebration of my sisters life by gathering all photos from friends and family and little snips of funny experiences shared and create our own ritual in her honour. I would like to share some of mine but suspect some of the less enlightened members of the family might not be so entertained by our dubious exploits more worthy dear DF members of your appreciation as it really is DF worthy of your laughter I hope in the future.
Thanks for letting me clear some of the stuff out of my head and think more clearly and rationally. Will let you all know how we go if anyone feels inclined please light a candle for her..... From her big sis Bee and yes even when you are 53 and 50 you are the big sis!