There are honestly worse things than dying.

By Buzybee · Feb 7, 2013 · ·
  1. Buzybee
    RIP my sister 7th February 2013.

    This morning our family quitely gathered around my sisters bedside to support her children when their mother, my sister ended her battle with lung cancer.

    She left us on her own terms, at home in her bedroom at 3.20am, her best time in happier days that live on in our memories. Oh how she loved the night life, her daughter reminded me that to the very end she continued to be up during the wee hours watching late night tele when socialising was no longer physically possible.

    I always knew she had a aura that attracted people of all kinds, inspiring them to be incredibly loyal and generous to the very end of her life. Marrying and having three childrern I believed she would moderate her lifestyle as most of us do. However divorce, lifestyle, and other conditions ensured smoking continued and unfortunately became much heavier contributing ultimately her oncologist informed us to her developing lung cancer.

    But you dear blog know the story, the aufull pain, indignities and daily horrors of treatments, operations, chemotheraphy, radiation only too well. To the very end she continued smoking, secretly as time and disease progressed so as not to offend some and to avoid the lectures of others. Such is the loyalty tobacco inspired in her and unfortunately so many others, including our mother, her own children and many of her friends to my horror and frustration as I remain unable to convince or sway any of them to try and cease this deadly habit.

    Towards the end she kept informing myself and others of her desire to come back and visit us from the .......... wherever, her code to us was birds, wild birds, colorful, we would recognise the code she kept telling all. Tuning her IPad to bird radio and frequent morphine etc may have helped this idea develop but it was every day repeated like her mantra.

    Putting aside lets put it nicely diffrences we the family gathered to support her in her final moments, ex husbands, best friends and even her aging dog of 12years insisted on joining in. Even in death she insisted that non judgemental we supported her wish to die at home and donation of body to university research, I believe somehow she will contribute to some positive outcome or medical breakthrough go Krabula! May your wish for this become reality.

    Returning home I found it hard to unwind and went downstairs to water my garden and gather thoughts. Now you maybe be right in thinking coincidence but opening the side gate a feather fluttered down from where I have no idea, but there it is. Yes I'm exhausted emotionally and physically from this mornings ending, but somewhere out there one of you may I hope be inspired to try if not for yourself, but for a friend, child or loved one to spare them all of this horror and sadness. Believe me me when I recount today I will never never erase the memory of my mother sobbing uncontrolably over my sisters cold body after she left us having granted me my request of her to show mum some love (*as there was some issues) she managed to find from where we don't know how from near coma to call mum and squeezing mums hand biriefly that was the end. My partner and myself watched in one of those moments that seemed to never end as her old dog tottered to the beds edge, fell off, and then on tottering paws left the room refusing to return.

    To finish I would like to add, there are no perfect endings really but we must find the positive somehow and continue on. We all have vices, bad habits etc and myself included this is one of the quirks of being human, however ignorance, greed of big business tobacco companies and just plain stupidity will continue to supply more Lung Cancer patients unless we make hard choices and stop this madness. Plkease please do not give children the message thats its ok by smoking remember its monkey see monkey do learned behaviour that you have the power to change, one person makes a difference, one person chain begins the chain of change. Yours in love from Buzybee.

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  1. derpahderp
    Bless+ to you and your fambam.
  2. Anna Thema
    thanks for the update. I wont say its a pleasure to read your blog for obvious reasons, but you have written it down in a way that we can all understand. As someone who's been through a similar experience sometimes reading your blog has been like listening to my own thoughts.

    all the best to you and yours, look after each other and yourselves.
  3. Mindless
    Despite your pain and loss this is beautifully written, with a conclusion all of us would do well to take to heart.
  4. Buzybee
    Thanks to all, it amazes me that you all waded through the pain and angst. I have read back and it still upsets me so I hope it wasn't too morbid or self indulgent. Sisters body has been accepted by the uni and now have been organising a memorial service to try and give her everyone involved a sense of closure and of course a unique farewell from Krabula that she would have been proud of. It's more involved and time consuming than I ever realised but its definitely an occasion she would have enjoyed. It's not morbid, maybe a little out there and not the norm certainately it will have them talking.

    Date is Wed 20th February 2013, 2pm. Light a candle if you feel like joining in Krabula would love it!

    Hugs to all again and thanks for the supportive messages and wishes from buzybee and her three little additions she left in my care. Buzz and xxxxx
  5. Buzybee
    It's been a year since Krabula departed. There has been ups and downs for the whole family. The Bee has publicly tried to display total calm. Honestly to tell you the truth it's a very different story behind closed doors it's a been a descent into private implosion. Fortunately the children have weathered the year up and down but ups are getting better and the desire to have lives and decisions if their own is rather remarkable considering the mess they were in so bee feels at least she has been of some positive benefit to them at least. They are are young and the world beckons and why not get out there and have a life?

    Life and experience tend to make us older buzzers a bit more jaded. Bee has been rather naughty but at least has managed to contain the damage to private self damage or what the heck I'm sure Krabula would tell me to chill and cope you know what I mean out there I'm sure -whatever gets you through the night.

    To finish on a positive, yes we are miss Krabula, can we change past habits and substance abuse NO Aand even if we could it's not our journey. Bee reads as many posts from daily posts and realises she is most def not alone, so if you're out there and thinking your post does nothing I'm telling you it keeps this buzzer thinking, smiling and plain just coping sometimes.

    So hugs to you all, keep on and positive thoughts to you all - we all fall down, regress, regret but at this bee will continue to get up and keep trying. Buzz buzz from Buzybee x
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