Im still sober. But the strangest thing happened.
Backing up about 2 weeks. Kay hasn't called or anything. We were going to be friends with or without the drugs we said. We had enough in common to stay sober and stay in contact. We were doing fine at it too. She started drinking really heavy. And all the sudden she stopped talking to me. Im really hurt. I dont know why. She hadn't answered any text or messages, her boyfriend would just say she is fine. When id text him, and nothing else. I know she has court tomorrow and I wish I knew how she was. But I guess this is the way she wants it. Im pretty sad cause she was my other half. I loved her. I do love her. I dont get it...
So I resume life.
Tonight is my last 2 weeks at the station. I always said I would never seek out drugs.. never. I dont like the risk. And its not the way I want it to be. And in thru the station doors is a blast from my WAY past.. I saw him on the online jail roster the other day, he must have literally gotten out of jail that day. 10 years ago he was my dealer. When I ran into him about 6 years ago he had gotten clean. After taking an 8 ball ( from a pool table) to his 2 front teeth, he seemed like he had learned his lesson.
He was frail, slimy, greasy looking skin. Handsome still... he gave me his number. Said he comes thru my town daily... no idea why. Im in the middle of nowhere. He hugged me. Said he heard I got ripped off a while ago... said he could maybe help me out with that. I really had settled that myself. And I dont care about that anymore. He is dealing again. Im feeling good. Strong. Happy. And SOBER. How does this work??? Its Satan. And his ways.. I havent seen this guy in like 5 fucking years.
I dont have the urge to use. But its nagging me. I wont call him. I didnt give him my number. Im not seeking this out. But boom... its available.... and I didnt have to search it out. Its just so odd. Why the hell does this have to come around. Im doing so well. Not thinking about it. And now... as im doing chores, im tired. And even though I have been doing chores every night for the last three weeks, tired, but with no aid, tonight it seems so much harder. Because I could make that call... I could get.
They always show up when you dont need, but when your jonesing you cant find one. I seriously think this is some sort of test.. im still feeling strong. But why?? Why they come throw a wrench in my stability. I got a new job starting the 10th. I finally am getting on feet again. My birthday is on Monday. The big 34... I feel happy about where my life is going. I want to stay strong!!!
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