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They always show up when your clean

Rating:
5/5,
  1. jessilee
    Im still sober. But the strangest thing happened.

    Backing up about 2 weeks. Kay hasn't called or anything. We were going to be friends with or without the drugs we said. We had enough in common to stay sober and stay in contact. We were doing fine at it too. She started drinking really heavy. And all the sudden she stopped talking to me. Im really hurt. I dont know why. She hadn't answered any text or messages, her boyfriend would just say she is fine. When id text him, and nothing else. I know she has court tomorrow and I wish I knew how she was. But I guess this is the way she wants it. Im pretty sad cause she was my other half. I loved her. I do love her. I dont get it...

    So I resume life.

    Tonight is my last 2 weeks at the station. I always said I would never seek out drugs.. never. I dont like the risk. And its not the way I want it to be. And in thru the station doors is a blast from my WAY past.. I saw him on the online jail roster the other day, he must have literally gotten out of jail that day. 10 years ago he was my dealer. When I ran into him about 6 years ago he had gotten clean. After taking an 8 ball ( from a pool table) to his 2 front teeth, he seemed like he had learned his lesson.

    He was frail, slimy, greasy looking skin. Handsome still... he gave me his number. Said he comes thru my town daily... no idea why. Im in the middle of nowhere. He hugged me. Said he heard I got ripped off a while ago... said he could maybe help me out with that. I really had settled that myself. And I dont care about that anymore. He is dealing again. Im feeling good. Strong. Happy. And SOBER. How does this work??? Its Satan. And his ways.. I havent seen this guy in like 5 fucking years.

    I dont have the urge to use. But its nagging me. I wont call him. I didnt give him my number. Im not seeking this out. But boom... its available.... and I didnt have to search it out. Its just so odd. Why the hell does this have to come around. Im doing so well. Not thinking about it. And now... as im doing chores, im tired. And even though I have been doing chores every night for the last three weeks, tired, but with no aid, tonight it seems so much harder. Because I could make that call... I could get.

    Fuck that.

    They always show up when you dont need, but when your jonesing you cant find one. I seriously think this is some sort of test.. im still feeling strong. But why?? Why they come throw a wrench in my stability. I got a new job starting the 10th. I finally am getting on feet again. My birthday is on Monday. The big 34... I feel happy about where my life is going. I want to stay strong!!!

Comments

  1. CaliJungle
    Its so true, and I have no logical explaination.

    Once I was walking with a girflriend that I was trying to convince that I was clean (I actually was then) and that we shouldnt break up and some random dude just walks up to me and offers to sell me shit like he knows me.

    That shit NEVER happens when your using. at least not me
  2. idfma
    Hi Jessi,

    I've been following your story, when I get out here, which is less and less these days. It's really cool to read your blogs and threads. I hope you keep it up.

    For this situation, please stay strong. It might be the devil, but, if this dude has been in jail recently, he might be a narc or a CI trying to get you caught up. You said your friend (Kay?) has had some legal trouble, and this fellow might have been sent to you to gauge your involvement. You said he must have gotten out of jail that day. That's a pretty quick turnaround to dealing again. Usually that's going to take a few days--at least.

    A CI to catch up users isn't usually the MO--they want dealers and the bigger the better, but small town LE may have different priorities--either way, be careful.

    Please keep us posted, and don't buy from this dude--it just doesn't look right. I might just be paranoid (actually I am), but that is a mighty big coincidence. Take care.
  3. jessilee
    idfma- I TOTALLY agree with you. This seemed very strange. And when he told me he heard I got ripped off and maybe ouldm help me with it... after a whe I started thinking... how did this guy know any of that??

    I never called him... but even if my urges would have gotten worse... something told me this was odd. And not right... so a couple days ago I saw him back on the roster. And release immediately again. Word has filtered into the bar I work at that he is a narc now. And several people are after him. Supposedly 4 major dealers sitting in jail. I wonder why he would have wanted to try and get me popped if that was indeed what he was doing. And how are arcs able to use drugs and get immunity? Its easy to see he is in deep into the drugs...
    Amazing... I am so thankful I quit when I did.
  4. idfma
    Whew--glad to hear it. :) That just didn't sound good.

    It does sound like you stopped at just the right time. Otherwise, whether it was Kay or this guy, somebody was going to drag you down into their legal issues, and you have enough going on without all that craziness.

    Besides, it sounds like you're doing really well taking it day to day. That's some strong work--keep it up!
  5. D0pe
    That is how the universe works... If you want something it does not show up... Then when you get sober you look into a garbage can and see 20 full bottles of narcotics that could last you month upon months... You simply leave them there for the next person the universe calls to..

    The same goes for the good stuff in life.. Sometimes your go out and look for it all over the place then you never find it.. Then all of a sudden as you are living your simple mundane life.. Then when you least expect it a big pile of awesome falls in your lap..

    I like to think of it kinda like Karma.. But as a different presence
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