This black hole I'm in.

By Cwb20022 · Feb 11, 2014 ·
  1. Cwb20022
    So a year ago I was doing great. Living on my own, my own car, decent job. And basically I was able to do whatever I wanted life was good for the most part. Then my dad gets cancer. Out of 6 siblings and two brothers living with my parents. They ask me to put my life on hold and move back in with them to help out. So I quit my job and moved back in. Since then it seem like life has just been going down. My one brother is a drunken crackhead. The kind that'll steal everything he can. My other is an Iv heroin users. Who basically remains in a nodding state all day. They both smoke and mooch like a mother fucker. Besides not doing shit all day.

    Now I live in a relatively normal household. My dads a hard worker and my mom works at a church. We got dogs and cats and all the normal shit in a small town. Over the years I've grown a huge addiction. Which is way worse since bein back home. My parents are clueless I use any drugs. Even though I do a ridiculous amount of opiates and smoke weed all day. If I ever said I wanted to go to rehab or even hinted to me using drugs I think my mom would shit herself. It's just not an option. Ever.

    It's gotten to a point were I need the drugs to stay at home. And I use more
    Drugs cuz I'm at home. My whole life I've had control over my addictions. I'm always the guy to say I think we did enough. Lets lay off it for a while. But lately I just want more and more. Don't get me wrong I pay rent and bills. But every other penny is going to drugs specifically heroin. So I am no longer going to touch heroin. I can't even fathom stopping all opiates let alone weed. At 26 I've used for more then half my life. I just can't imagine what I'd be like without drugs. I've never seen myself as an adult sober. Would I still be the same music loving down to earth dude i am now? I think this is me but not sure.

    My family is get dependent on me and I don't think I can ever leave. A common phrase around my house is " Chris will get it". Just last week I rush my brothers dog to the vet. Cuz he's to fucked up to move. If I ever got like that I'd been looked at with such shame I'd never be able to forget it. In my parents eyes I'm a golden child. Which I'm far from. I can't live up to the standards set by them. I've never seen a bigger double standard in my life.

    Heroin is so easy to get. I mean 5 minutes easy. It's everywhere. I can't go to the 7 11 without seeing someone I know. I am prescribed suboxone and probably will be the rest of my life if given the chance. I use much less then the 16 Mgs Prescribed. So stopping all opiates would be easy if I wanted. I just can't here where I'm at. I know by payday ill be wanting something again.

    I found out today that the radiation didnt work. And there gonna do surgery and remove my dads voice box. My moms been crying all day over it. And it is really sad. This is very selfish to say and i dont feel good about it. I just wanna say But how long am I gonna be here now? I'm sitting here quietly killing myself and going crazy. And you want a shoulder to cry on. I just started a job I can't do everything I used to. I won't quit another job. I need work to keep my sanity. That's the only time I leave this psycho house.

    I know I will never be able to get my addiction under control staying here. And I can't leave. Since moving back home I have no car. Hardly any money for a year. All kinds of responsibilities. And a growing addiction that was under control for 7 years.

    Man did I need to vent.

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