Today is a strange day.I do not feel like being in myown skin, or being there too deep.It`s cold,gray and snowy outside, just like city would have swallowed its colours.
And,according to my recent inner feelings, I guess,my good old friend Manic Depression has come to talk to me again.But I hope that it`s just a feeling.
Anyway, this was not what I wanted to write about.I wanted to write about changes I have noticed when reading my first posts written few years ago when I was in full blown addiction.It is strange to read them- like it has been a totally different person writing these. During the time I have been clean,I guess,my values have changed a lot and I have learned how to fight with my inner problems without selfmedication.But,in the same time, this little animal in the stomack is allways there.This time I just have more things to lose.And I know that I will never forgive myself for ruining my daughters childhood and losing a full parental custody what is most likely to happen if I relapse this hard again.Because when I start,I just do not know how to stop.I remember OD`ing few times back then and going on using as soon as I get out of hospital, or even in the same evening, which does not make sense for normal people, but,as for me, I did not want to be clean for a single minute back then.I did not have money for food and for rent, but I allways find it for drugs.Nowadays I would firstly think about fullfilling family basic needs,drugs would not be in the first place.That time I just could not care less about it.
I wonder how my husband tolerated me and still wanted to marry me in my time of addiction.He visited me in hospitals allmoust every day and even crossed the world after my last OD,because he was working abroad and was too worried when he heard my brand new news.I guess,I am lucky to have him. He had drug problems as well,but we both went clean and without his comfort I would not be here. Actually, I am affraid to think where I would be.I have had aqquaitances contacting me after years and being happy to hear something from me, because they thought that I am dead.That kind of lifestyle I led.