Always Be Yourself (Unless You Suck!)
Aunt-Like A Mom, Only Cooler!
At My Age, Happy Hour Is Any Hour Spent Above Ground.
Whenever I'm Caught Between The Choice Between Two Evils, I Take The One I Haven't Tried Before.
Ancient Orators Tended To Babylon.
It's Not That I'm Old, Your Music Really DOES Suck!
Heat Makes Things Expand, So I Don't Have A Weight Problem, I'm Just Hot!
The Last Time I Reached For The Stars I Pulled A Muscle.
Mathematicians Wear Glasses Because They Improve Division.
Never Play Cards In The Serengeti, There Are Too Many Cheetahs.
God Gives Us only What We can Handle. Apparently God Thinks I'm A Bad-Ass!
"Tis Better To Have Loved A Short Person Than To Have Never Loved A Tall.
A Backwards Poet Writes Inverse.
If A Man Says He Will Fix It, He Will.....There Is No Need To Remind Him every 6 Months!
Aging Gets Better The More You Forget.
Her Bootlegging Was Illegal, But I Loved Her Still.
I'm Aloof, Distant, And Judgemental. I Think I Might Be A Cat.
A Tardy Cannibal Gets The Cold Shoulder.
Remember When Being Stiff In The Morning Was A GOOD Thing?
I Can't Clean, Because I get Distracted By All The Cool Stuff I Find!
I May Look Calm, But In My Mind I Have Already killed You Three Times!
I Don't have A Bucket List, But My Fuck-it List Is About A Mile Long!
Not Doing Anything With My Life Is Surprisingly Time-Consuming.
I Just Want People To Accept me for Who I Pretend To Be.
Sometimes I Wrestle With My Demons. Sometimes We Just Cuddle!
I Decided To Go for A Jog Today. As I Set off, I Heard Clapping Behind Me. Then I Realized It Was my Ass Cheering Me On.
I Believe That If You Wear Enough Pretty Lipstick, Shiny Jewelry, And Great Shoes, Nobody Will Notice the Size Of Your Ass.
I Thank God For My Children Every Day. Without Them, I Would Have Never Known How Well Red Wine Complements Chicken Nuggets