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Today's blog

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  1. cyndi
    Today after cursing God for taking my son from me. Of course it isn't God's fault, but I was just going off. I got a letter from him for the first time since he has been in prison and I feel I lost him to the drugs and gang. I am full of emotion, hopeful that once he is out, he will change and have a future. He sounds like himself again, my child not the thug that lived here. I pray to God he stays in the right direction because the life is a hard one and ends usually two ways, death or prison. I feel hopeful for the first time in months. He is my child and I love him and will never abandon him no matter what.

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  1. cyndi
    Sorry it took so long to respond. Things are up and down. Lately not too good. Lots of issues as of late. I have really been pondering the meaning of life. I don't know why. I guess life is so fragile and unpredictable. I still try to understand what some people tell me this great meaning is that my son who is only 19 is dead. I just don't see it. I go thru phases of guilt, lots of it, blame, and just trying to understand why a 19 year old child would feel life is so bad that there is no alternative but to commit suicide. I just yell out I wish he would come back, please let him come back. This is so heartbreaking and I just don't know at this point how my life will ever be the same. Then drugs basically took my son from a wonderful young man to what he was who eventually felt no other way out but death. Drugs took a lot of quality of my life from me and I wonder without the drugs, how would my life have been impacted? Why would I allow drugs to take a part of myself and my quality of life? So many things that I wish I could change but can't.
  2. yaba
    He cindy you know we are all here and you can email me anytime ! You could even ring me if you need to or I will ring you (got international phone card) so its not to expensive. Hope things are getting better for you !
  3. cyndi
    I can't leave this blog hanging. I am overwhelmed with so much to do and so little time. I just do not feel like doing anything which is not healthy. I am in counseling as I know I can't go this alone.
  4. Ilsa
    it is a sad fact that ppl often learn new and more effective means of getting away with everything.....i am so sorry you have to look back at that from this current perspective.
    i know the loss of your son is devastating...i have been through several major depressive episodes and come far too close on several occasions. your story makes me think twice...how would that affect my mother? it would devastate my father, just knowing that makes me push forward on the most difficult days.

    and, unfortunately, what old hippie says is right: it's about generating money for the city, but no city officials have met you and seen the devastating effects of incarceration over a simple JOINT.

    you're still in my thoughts and prayers, cyndi.

    namaste
  5. old hippie 56
    All the people I know that has been to prison(a bunch too), only one has made a complete turn around. The rest are either back in the pen or dead. So much for rehabilitation.
    As for the cops, mostly they look for money makers for the city, county. Traffic tickets, impounding cars, seizing land, houses over mundane shit.
  6. cyndi
    Reading my old blogs was a wake up call. I am breathless. I wish I could visit him in jail instead of the cemetary. The cops here, I hate them by the way, kept telling me he would learn his lesson. Well now, from jail he got in gangs, harder drugs, lost his spirit and was broken. What over, a joint, wow that something to lose your life over, a joint.....Then after the pot in the car incident, he started stealing. Learned well by his cellmates. Good job law enforcement. Doing your job, yeah right. Sorry got a bit emotional. The drug laws concerning weed has to be changed. Nobody should lose their life over well weed. Tell me alcohol isn't harder.
  7. fnord
    Sorry to hear about this cyndi weve talked quite a bit and i didint even know your son was in prison!

    Hope things are better.
  8. cyndi
    Oh my God that blog just brought tears to swim's eyes. What can she say, he has to make his own way you know. On that note, swim will tell all good night!! Peace:)