The top five things that are annoying me this week are as follows, in asscending order:
5. Ethical vegetarians that eat fish, wear leather, have a pet goldfish or use anything apart from non-avoidable medication, that has been tested on animals.
4. When Americans (i don't know why its always americans) on the internet try to accuse someone of being stupid because they can't speak english. Can you speak Dutch? French? Arabic? No didn't think so, heres hoping you get hepatitis.
3. When you go to the cinema to see a comedy and there are a group of idiots that keep bursting out laughing extremely loudly at points in the film when nothing funny is going on in the film, like when its working through the obligitory drama/story driven parts of the film. I mean it is a comedy after all so you can't just go up and tell them "stop fucking laughing now ye cunt or I'm gonna run a blade across the back of your neck and turn you into a fucking paraplegic for the rest of your life" like you normally would. So what do you do? My top running idea at the minute is to quietly get up and walk out the door, down to the nearest hardware store, pick up a bicycle lock, return to the cinema screen lock the door with the bike lock, then set the place ablaze. Kill em that way. But then you have to find yourself a new cinema. It's a puzzler. Suggestions anyone?
2. The Judges scoring the boxing in the olympics. (three Irish fighters through to the semi's btw, whoop whoop, g'wan the fighting Irish) I mean jesus tap dancing christ. What have you got to do to get a point for a body shot with these judges? I'm pretty sure anything short of causing massive internal injuries where the ribs protrude from the lower back isn't going to cut it. I mean how hard would it be to get 5 ex boxers to judge the fights instead of a bunch of beer bellied accountants with a computer mouse each?
1. Last but by no means least........upturned 3-pin electrical plugs. Ohhh how they have been the bane of my kinds (my kind being the nocturnal junkie with poor night vision and no slippers) existance for so long. It's 3am, you have no smokes left, but you know that the hot girls in the room next store has some left. So you sneak in to the room not wanting her to wake, get startled and scream "RAPIST!!!!!" and you slowly start moving across the room in the dark towards the night stand, that little blue and gold cardboard box sitting there catching the moon light, you can almost smell the glorious aroma of tobacco and then.........Thats right your eyes grew 3 times thier normal size as you realise its happened....its happened again, and the pain that has been holding back, toying with you shoots into your foot, so you instinctively step to the side and BANG! mother fucking BANG! you step on another plug. Then the panic grips you as your mind frantically screams "OH my god man, there fucking everywhere man, the whole floor is covered in them man, what the hell are we gonna do now....Johnny...Joohhhnnnnnyyy!!!!!!" But by then its too late, your already screaming, and now shes awake and shes screaming, and you hear shouting coming from down the hall as everyone rushes to find out what could possibly be producing those blood curdling noises. But by the time they burst into the room, its all over, and all that greets them is a whimpering nocturnal junkie with poor night vision huddled in the fetal position griping a foot in each hand murmering "the plugs man, there was just too many of them, the plugs I tell ye, the plugs.........."