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  1. Dancing Chick
    Dose:
    repeated, smoked, Cannabis
    repeated, oral, Alcohol
    3 hits, smoked, DMT

    Herm, where to start.... So yesterday was my friend's 21st birthday, so after I got off work and got ready, I started driving to her and her boyfriend's place which is about an hour away. They were having a party which had started a couple hours before I was able to get there, so people there were already getting decently drunk and high. I'm not supposed to be doing either myself anymore, but given that I had just set my "official" quitting date a couple days before and considering which birthday specifically it was for my friend I thought I might as well.... Normally I regret these kinds of decisions, but not tonight!

    So I got to the party and immediately took a bong hit and a shot of tequila. It's hard for me to remember what all I got how many times since it was just the usual social party atmosphere, but I know I got more weed than alcohol. That bong was passed around a lot, and after that shot I'm pretty sure my primary source of drunkenness was beer pong, which I played a couple times. The party setting was very relaxed and happy; it comprised of the birthday girl and her boyfriend who are both close friends, another friend of ours who I see often, a couple of guys who I barely ever see anymore but used to see all the time back when all of us were taking pretty much any drug we could get our hands on, their girlfriends who I've met a couple of times but am still getting to know, and myself. The latter two guys and there girlfriends were sticking to alcohol for this occasion, so the weed was divided up between the other four of us.

    I'm not really sure how much time had passed at these different stages of the party because I wasn't really paying attention, but I'm pretty sure that those two couples started leaving around 11 PM for different reasons, and then another guy came over who I was just meeting. Apparently he doesn't smoke weed, though we did get him to take just one hit at one point, but he did drink a little. The boyfriend of the birthday girl was also trying to talk him into taking a hit of their DMT, which the birthday girl had brought up earlier as well. He took some convincing, but finally he agreed to take a hit. I believe it was layered between either bay bean or skullcap.... He tried to take a big hit, but could barely hold any of it in without coughing some of it up. I could tell that he was just getting really tiny amounts of it, no matter what I said to try to get him to take a better inhale. I had loaded the bowl myself and was starting small anyway since it would be his first trip, so I was afraid that he wasn't going to get anything at all. After he gave up with no discernible effects aside from some headspace changes, the bowl was passed to me and I took the rest of what was in it. The outcome was some light patterning on surfaces, and things such as the ceiling seem to slide around in a few different directions.

    I wasn't totally sure about smoking the DMT myself, but I figured that tiny hit would be okay. I had recently, a few weeks ago, decided to stop smoking DMT for now since I had kept using all the time just trying to trip more and more, and I knew that that wasn't a healthy way to go about it. I was also getting messages from my trips about how I should back off and keep working on unraveling my issues and integrating my past trips before continuing to explore. However, I have also been talking to people lately, especially one person in particular whose opinions I value quite highly, about how it really is better to just go with your intuition on these things or let them find you rather than trying to plan out how you're going to do them. With that in mind, I felt that being offered to smoke at the party could be just what I needed as opposed to how I had been using it before. Maybe five or ten minutes or so after that guy's initial trial another bowl was loaded so that he could try again, but he basically repeated the same process. I'm not sure how much was in there this time, but he did manage to get just enough for a few more slightly trippy feelings this time. Again, the bowl soon made itself to me and so I took another hit, mainly just intensifying the same effects from before.

    Maybe fifteen or twenty minutes after that the birthday girl wanted him to try one last time, so she passed the pipe to me so I could load a big bowl so he'd be more likely to get a decent hit. I'm really not good with estimating powder amounts of DMT since I've never done anything but eyeball it, but I used a pretty good amount of what they had left; it was maybe half or a little more of what I would generally load for myself if I was going for a strong trip, and I'm really insensitive to psychedelics normally so for reference that's more than I've used to give people breakthroughs before. I actually gave the birthday girl one of those doses not too long ago, which is part of why she's so stoked on DMT right now to begin with. It was only her second real trip ever, and so far DMT is the only psychedelic she has used. But anyway, so he tried to hit it again... and once more, just took really small breaths and couldn't hold them in well. He did seem to get slightly more intense of an effect, and ended up talking about how he was seeing just phosphene patterns behind closed eyes but that they were taking on high levels of complexity, things like pyramids and other 3D shapes were emerging out of them. Like I said, I don't really know the guy, but I could tell that he was rambling a bit too. The others, who did know him, were laughing and saying they could tell he got a decent enough dose that time for him to at least test it out. He seemed to be enjoying it, in any case.

    Now, let me take a quick break from the story here to give a little background information.... In the past, what I've discovered is that psychedelics tend to hit me in a pretty similar way, even if many things about the style of each trip is different from one drug to the next. The thing that they all generally have in common is that, when the trip is strong enough, all of the visuals start to turn into sexy girls doing very psychedelically erotic things. As it progressed further, it got to the point where even mathematical patterns and the like started appearing much less often than these beautiful female entities. The range of psychedelics that I had to experiment with before was somewhat limited, but I have experienced this at least with each category. On mushrooms it was the most "classy", which the entities generally being very vivid and realistic, though I didn't dose quite high enough for them to completely form, and involving lots of fancy clothes and makeup and colors like hot pink, sort of dark, bold green, and so on. On the others they were more similar to each other... mostly consisting of dim but vivid blues and purples. I had complete interaction with these entities on LSD, 2C-I, and even salvia, and each time they were more like "dirty", and I mean that in the best possible way... but still, very raw and dark. The thing though is that I never got this on DMT... it was always the exception. I have certainly found many things about the DMT experience to be quite sexual, but it was mainly about the way things twisted, warped, or transformed just in general that played with my mind in that way, as opposed to the actual context of the hallucinations as with those other trips. I believe DMT is even the only psychedelic to ever give me perceptions of male entities, as those female ones literally dominated all my other trips. There was a time when this bugged me, but these days I don't care to force it and just want to see where the trip can take me. I had just figured too that these kind of trips just must not be DMT's style, and I should enjoy its own unique signature instead of wanting it to be something that it's not.

    Anyway... so after that guy at the party finished his last dose, the pipe was once again handed to me. I knew there was probably still a good amount left in there, so I was hesitant for a second, but then decided to just go for it. The first thing I noticed is that the fireplace I was staring at became much more colorful and then started seeming to melt. Everything in the room began to take on this pattern, but that was about it. Open eye visuals are usually not very strong for me these days, even with DMT. For a moment I just looked around becoming more dissociated and confused, and I realized that I was only keeping my eyes open instinctively because it was a party, but then I figured that once you bring out the DMT I think it's safe to say that that party convention can be put on hold for a few minutes. With that in mind, I closed my eyes and leaned back on the couch, and immediately a smile spread across my face. What I saw behind my eyes was freaking wonderful! For the first time ever with DMT, it was the same sexy girls I'm used to with other psychedelics... but there was a difference. On the other psychedelics, these girls would generally be just a part of a scene that was going on, or there would be other objects and things forming around them. There would also be a limited number of them per trip, like maybe somewhere between three and five or six depending on the intensity of it. But not with this.... What I saw was just tunnels upon tunnels upon tunnels of them. They were very well-rendered and seemed probably the most "natural" I have ever seen them, in that rather than feeling like they have set personality types like in the other trips they were more like real people.... The way they moved as my visuals was just the most overwhelming thing. Everything in my perception was completely made up of them, and it was soooo stimulating, I was going nuts! I basically felt like I was peeking into a world created from pure sexual pleasure... and it was beckoning me forward. I could tell that one step further and I would have been completely absorbed into it, and the message it gave me was quite clear.... Beyond this threshold is unimaginable bliss!! But alas, I knew this wouldn't be a full dose for me going in, and I was okay with that since I was at a birthday party... but I sure wished I could have gone just a little bit further in when I finally opened my eyes and broke free from my trance.

    When I came to, the birthday girl was laughing a lot and she got me laughing too. Apparently she had taken a good hit of DMT after I had and was still tripping on it as well, and so we just talked about what was going on and enjoyed our heavy amounts of euphoria that we were experiencing. Not long after that it started mostly wearing off and the night returned to beer pong and weed.... Eventually I was the last guest remaining and I stuck around a little longer to watch Adventure Time and sober up a little bit from the alcohol I had ingested over those several hours, and then I headed home. All in all, I think the night went really well, and not just the DMT but especially that part too. It was a great experience and I'm very happy that the whole thing happened.

    So my final thoughts on this.... I think this combination definitely did influence the trip a bit. Weed always puts me in a very sexual frame of mind, and it has had the effect of drastically enhancing these qualities of my trips in the past. However, I've never found it particularly enjoyable when mixed with DMT, mainly because it makes me hyper aware of my pounding heart and the way my body feels usually has a pretty strong influence on my trips. I think the alcohol effectively blocked this though, and that facilitated this experience. I already find the combination of weed and alcohol around close friends to be extremely euphoric as it is and it always gets my mind headed in a very sexual direction, so there's really no surprises there. I do feel too though that the trip as a whole wasn't just a result of the combination but also of the weed and alcohol simply putting me in the proper mood to let the DMT do its thing, in the sense that I feel that this really was mainly a DMT trip and I think that if I got myself in these states of mind naturally I could experience something similar with it in the future.... Of course, I'm still going to be sticking with my view of not trying to make the DMT do what I want, but you can sure bet I'll be hoping for this kind of trip again in further endeavors!

    There was also a very brief point during the trip in which past anxieties that have arisen while tripping occurred to me, but as I've been doing lately I simply brushed them off as to not have them ruin the mood and reminded myself that I am working on overcoming my issues more and more every day, so there's really nothing to worry about. It was actually sort of a nice reminder too, since I do need all the help I can get to keep myself on track. It's great how psychedelics can tap you on the shoulder and remind you of what you really need to be doing even while giving you one of the most hedonistic experiences, or heck, THE most hedonistic experience, of your entire life....

    Ahh, I can't wait until my next journey out with this fantastic compound!!

Comments

  1. bluenarrative
    I always enjoy reading detailed and well-written accounts of drug experiences. Yours is especially detailed, which I liked a lot. I also like the way you gave some background to your experience. Without this context your tale would not be as good as it is.

    As a general rule, I don't care much for psychedelics. I've done most of the standard ones. And none of my experiences were at all unpleasant. But hallucinations, beyond a certain point, don't give me the same sorts of deep pleasure that other drugs offer. And, perhaps, I am too cynical or worldly to ascribe any sort of deep meaning to my psychedelic experiences. They never seemed to me to be particularly "spiritual" and I never thought that they offered me much by way of meaningful insight into things. Of course, when one first tries these drugs, one's perspectives are broadened. And one almost immediately understands that ordinary consciousness is only one of numerous ways that the human brain can process data. But there is not much depth to this basic idea. Nor do psychedelics seem to offer any automatic or instantaneous ways to explore/experience genuine depth... Or so it seems to me... I think it is a mistake to confuse neurological reactions to a drug with authentic spiritual visions or to suppose that these experiences can offer substantial existential epiphanies.

    But what do I know? Maybe, for others, these things are possible.

    I was, however, fascinated by the details and textures of your experience. I immediately understood what you meant by "female entities." The whole experience sounds like a Jungian gold mine.

    I strongly identified with your statement that weed makes you feel very sexual. It does that to me (big time), but most people on DF seem to think that this is an absurd thing to say. Until I joined DF it never occured to me that weed might not have a powerful sexual-- or at least sensual-- impact on most people. I always just assumed this. But a number of people on DF seem to think this idea is implausible. Thank you for affirming that this happens with some people other than me!
  2. bluenarrative
    I always enjoy reading detailed and well-written accounts of drug experiences. Yours is especially detailed, which I liked a lot. I also like the way you gave some background to your experience. Without this context your tale would not be as good as it is.

    As a general rule, I don't care much for psychedelics. I've done most of the standard ones. And none of my experiences were at all unpleasant. But hallucinations, beyond a certain point, don't give me the same sorts of deep pleasure that other drugs offer. And, perhaps, I am too cynical or worldly to ascribe any sort of deep meaning to my psychedelic experiences. They never seemed to me to be particularly "spiritual" and I never thought that they offered me much by way of meaningful insight into things. Of course, when one first tries these drugs, one's perspectives are broadened. And one almost immediately understands that ordinary consciousness is only one of numerous ways that the human brain can process data. But there is not much depth to this basic idea. Nor do psychedelics seem to offer any automatic or instantaneous ways to explore/experience genuine depth... Or so it seems to me... I think it is a mistake to confuse neurological reactions to a drug with authentic spiritual visions or to suppose that these experiences can offer substantial existential epiphanies.

    But what do I know? Maybe, for others, these things are possible.

    I was, however, fascinated by the details and textures of your experience. I immediately understood what you meant by "female entities." The whole experience sounds like a Jungian gold mine.

    I strongly identified with your statement that weed makes you feel very sexual. It does that to me (big time), but most people on DF seem to think that this is an absurd thing to say. Until I joined DF it never occured to me that weed might not have a powerful sexual-- or at least sensual-- impact on most people. I always just assumed this. But a number of people on DF seem to think this idea is implausible. Thank you for affirming that this happens with some people other than me!
  3. Dancing Chick
    Well thank you, I'm glad you found it entertaining! :)

    I love psychedelics, but for different reasons than a lot of people do I think. I fetishized hallucinations from a very young age. Before I even knew what sexuality was I would use masturbation as an attempt to produce out-of-body experiences like ones that I had encountered from getting very intensely zoned in to a daydream, which happened from time to time back then. Likely as a result, there is nothing about hallucinating that I don't find deeply satisfying. Conversely, every drug I've ever taken that doesn't make you trip as a primary effect I have found to be rather underwhelming. I've never noticed any sort of significant reward from stimulants or depressants, with the exception of alcohol which I really only enjoy while also under the influence of weed.

    I also do not buy into the more spiritual treatment of psychedelics. Well, I do in a "human" way, in which I would relate it to things like sexuality... but I don't believe that they show us otherworldly visions, or anything like that. Psychedelics do not give me anything I don't already have, they only intensify my mind. I have had many personal and impersonal insights while tripping, however this is not because I was shown these things by the psychedelic; I have insights because I'm already a very introspective person and tripping merely stimulates my mind to work at a higher capacity than what it's normally at. It's much easier to work things out when you are literally surrounded by your own imagination, at least in my experience.

    Of course, for me being surrounded by my own imagination is generally even more likely to guide me toward the female entities, haha. As I'm sure comes as no surprise after reading my report, I have a very active sex drive. Believe it or not, I've actually worked on building those entities up to what they are now.... I used to not see entities at all, or even really just faces from high doses of psychedelics. With experience came understanding that because tripping was nothing but my own mind I could shape it to be however I wanted. Consequently, my trips are almost always about sexual stimulation, which is of course only intensified by my hallucination fetish anyway. However, now more than ever, I feel that something about my normal reaction to the DMT experience inhibits this.... Perhaps it's the rapid onset, the intensity of the experience, the adrenaline-like rush that accompanies the beginning of each trip.... I believe my trip report here lends credence to this given that these feelings of anticipation were lessened by the alcohol and the trip was significantly more like they are for me on any other psychedelic. DMT is normally quite chaotic for me, but this trip was essentially just what I would turn reality into were I gifted omnipotence, and nothing but that. Without my mindset being influenced by the initial feeling of the trip, I was essentially plunged directly into exactly what I wanted. It definitely makes me want to take these things into account whenever I use it in the future, and perhaps to explore other methods of its use as well....

    Haha, you are quite welcome. ;) Yes, weed is a powerful aphrodisiac for me... second only to psychedelics. It wasn't quite that way at first, but over time as I explored it more the feeling got stronger and stronger. I eventually started practicing visualization and breathwork while high and accidentally stumbled on to some kundalini-type sensations, spine rushes, full-body euphoric releases, and so on.... Weed simply works for me. I tend to think of it like a psychedelic that enhances the mind like any but focuses even more strongly on the body. I think this also played a role in my DMT experience.

    Anyway, thanks for the thorough response! :D
  4. bluenarrative
    I completely understand the lines of connection that you have drawn between psychedelics and sex/sexuality. I never really thought about it before, but-- having now read your last comment-- I think that something similar was at work in me as far as my own experiences with psychedelics are concerned. I probably would have phrased it differently than you have, but my experiences had similar themes and motifs such as you describe.

    I think that my attraction to psychedelics in the first place had something to do with what I would now term "vague intimations of Jungian ideas." Hence, my reference to your blog entry as a "Jungian gold mine."

    I also rather strongly feel that an immense amount of my understanding of my sexual self-- as well as the various lines of connection that directly link my sexual self to other facets of my identity-- were gained through psychedelics. When I talk to other people who have no experience with psychedelics and/or who are not particularly introspective or cerebral, I simplify my explanation, saying something like, "psychedelics taught me what I like sexually; psychedelics showed me who I am sexually; and psychedelics opened up my eyes to the meaning of sexuality, in general, and my own sexuality, in particular."

    Sometimes, I think that I am one of the most sexually relaxed people that I know. Relaxed may not be quite the right word, but it will suffice so long as it connotes both sexual confidence and an ability to derive immense meaning from my sexual experiences-- an ability to place my sexual experiences in a context much, much, much broader than most people can imagine. Or so it seems to me.

    On a fairly regular basis, people will say to me that I "sexualize everything." To which I reply, "Everything IS sexual; I'm merely pointing some of this out to you."

    I have had experience with fairly conventional psychedelics: LSD, mescaline, and peyote. Once, when I was young, I got lost in the jungles of Central America and almost died from disease and dehydration. I was rescued by some Indians who gave me some wild concoction that included pond scum. Other than pond scum, I have no idea what was in the admixture that they had me drink, but that was, by far and away, the most intense and prolonged trip that I ever had. I recounted the tale briefly on some thread here on DF.

    I never had a bad trip. But, at a certain point, I just felt that I had gone as far with these drugs as I was going to go. As I mentioned to you previously, I found certain levels of hallucinations to be inconvenient and distracting from (what I considered to be) the true essence of the psychedelic experience. If that makes any sense to you.

    All of my psychedelic experiences took place between the ages of 14 to 19, more or less.

    These days, when I feel that I might need a "refresher course" in depth, texture, mystery, paradox, and magnificence, I find that genuinely superb weed will suffice to reawaken my sense of wonder and awe.

    I completely understand and identify with your attitude towards both stimulants and downers of any sort. They just don't do anything for me.

    Having said this, however, I would encourage you to, perhaps, seek out some prime "virgin chandu" (opium prepared to be smoked in the traditional Chinese manner, to which no "dross" has been added. Vaporizing chandu in a Chinese opium pipe leaves most (all?) of the morphine deposited as a residue in the saddle of the pipe. All of the other complex alkaloids are readily accessible, but the absence of morphine means that the opium has no sedative effects at all. Smoking opium in this way is much more like smoking hashish x 50 than it is like any of the other opiates. Contrary to popular misconceptions, opium does not knock you out, impede movement, or dull your sexual energy. It is a VERY social drug, it is unbelievably sensuous, and it offers one incredible insights into all sorts of things-- insights that are relevant and that are fully retained long after the effects of the drug wear off. Nobody smoking virgin chandu has ever not remembered the experience; nobody that I know has ever complained of being "in a haze."

    I'm rambling here, I suppose, so I'll draw this to a close before I completely bore you with my meandering ruminations. Looking forward to hearing back from you soon! --Matthew
  5. Dancing Chick
    Hehe, I think that psychedelics and sexuality are inherently linked. :D Perhaps some people just don't make use of it though... but I feel that they really do work on the same level.

    I can relate a lot to what you're saying. Especially when you say that everything is sexual.... That's pretty much how I've always felt. I also feel that I can derive a lot more meaning from sexual experiences in general than most people seem to, but I should add the disclaimer that I have never actually had sex.... Of course, traditional sex is only one of many kinds of sexual experiences, and I feel that it would just be plain wrong to say that I'm not in tune with my sexual self. One difference I would say though is that psychedelics didn't particularly show me anything about my sexuality that I wasn't already aware of... rather, I simply use them to explore that aspect of myself more. I've always known that exactly what psychedelics do to me is what I've always wanted, long before I knew that such things could actually be experienced. They were more just like an assurance that I was on the right path, and that I wasn't as crazy as I thought I might be. My perception of sexuality actually goes both ways on this... just as I can't imagine a psychedelic experience not being sexual, I also can't imagine a sexual experience not being psychedelic.

    I've heard that term "Jungian archetypes" thrown around a lot, but I'm honestly not too educated on the subject. How would you interpret my experience here through it?

    Oh wow, that's crazy! How did you get lost in the jungle in the first place? :confused: Well I'm glad you came out of it alright!! Would you mind digging up that thread for me? That whole experience sounds very, very interesting.... I wonder what it could have possibly been that was in there? And I wonder if the pond scum was actually necessary to the experience? :laugh:

    About the hallucinations getting in the way of the experience, I can understand where you're coming from as much as I can from an outsider's perspective... I just have a very hard time fitting into my own frame of reference. To me, the hallucinations are intrinsic to the experience, and I don't think I could ever have enough of them. I probably wouldn't take psychedelics if it weren't for the hallucinations. My ultimate goal with tripping really is all about enhancing my sexual imagination... to the point that that imagination starts to override my reality and I become my fantasies. I'm not kidding when I say that I have an active sex drive lol. I want those sexy girl hallucinations to literally become my reality... and as the trip illustrates, I am getting ever closer.

    This is my first time hearing of virgin chandu; it seems like a very interesting method of opium use. How did you come across this? I must say that it does sound quite intriguing, and if some were to ever conveniently be placed in front of me I may have a hard time turning it down for the sake of the experience... but much as I appreciate the recommendation, I'm not likely to seek it out. Not because of anything to do with what it is, but simply because it's my intention and hope to not use anything but psychedelics ever again, and maybe sometimes dissociatives on top of them. With any luck, this trip report will signify the last time I ever ingested anything else. The thing is, I have an odd history of drug use... one that I have no desire to repeat, and from it I have goals which I have every hope of sticking to.

    You know how I said I actually shaped those female entities to be the way that they are? I did this by working with my HPPD.... I've had it since just a few months after I started using drugs in general, as a result of diphenhydramine use. At first I just thought "Alright, tripping forever!!" I was very much trying to escape my life at the time, and I loved the idea of always being able to hallucinate. What I found over time was that other drug experiences could actually further influence my HPPD as long as I focused on bringing it out and having it combine with more strong experiences, thus causing them to leave their new, refined imprint on my mind. To this end, I used every hallucinogen I could get my hand on hoping to push my trips further and further.... Psychedelics, dissociatives, deliriants, salvia, large doses of synthetic cannabinoids, stimulants and empathogens that would cause hallucinations when mixed with weed, and so on.... Through this I managed to go from seeing patterns to seeing the entities that I do now, and generally it would work out fine. As long as my trips were sexually exciting, my entities would be the female ones mentioned in this report. I was quite pleased with myself; I felt I had achieved something outside the normal scope of drug use.

    However, there were of course consequences to this.... After I while I was literally hallucinating at all times. I began to feel very depersonalized, and once I started actually thinking about my future and working on some of my issues in life, I feared that in my escapism I had permanently damaged my brain, and possibly other parts of my body as well. I still smoked weed every day and that just made the HPPD stronger, and eventually I started getting panic attacks and general anxiety. This eventually progressed until all of my hallucinations became very blurry and nondescript, and I felt that now I had even ruined the progress I made in addition to all of the other ways I had messed myself up.... I stopped smoking often to avoid the panic, but I began drinking heavily instead to self-medicate. I was also prescribed alprazolam for a short amount of time. This only made the anxiety worse in the long run, and it actually started adding physical problems to it as well, such as bringing what had already been a numb head pressure for me all the way up to a chronic tension headache condition, which at times could be quite debilitating. I began to lose a lot of hope for my life around that time....

    I would say that the only thing that really saved me is my unbelievably wonderful friends and family. After working through a lot of my issues, I was able to overcome many of my bad habits. I stopped drinking regularly, dropping down to maybe once every few months at most. I also managed to completely quit weed for about half a year, during which time my anxiety and headaches dropped significantly. After that time I started smoking again and worked my way up very, very slowly... which ultimately worked in allowing me to enjoy my highs again. I managed to control my HPPD to the point that the visuals when sober became significantly less pronounced, and now they don't even ever show up unless I specifically look for them, in which case they can be quite solid but still not strong by any means. I also made so much progress with my life issues that my panic attacks ceased, and now my only remaining anxiety centers around the fact that I still don't feel I'm the most physically healthy person, though I am trying to work on that as well.... However, after smoking for quite some time the headaches did start to come back, and they've gotten bad again. I still wouldn't say it's nearly as bad without the psychological issues or the fear that I've permanently messed up my perception of reality, but it's definitely a real problem. I couldn't live the rest of my life with these headaches... something needs to change.

    In all that time, I had also completely stopped using psychedelics. They were hit by this perhaps the worst of all.... Not only had a stopped being able to get any significant level of hallucinations, but I actually felt sickened or poisoned whenever I would take them, and they would push my headaches up to the level of a migraine or tremors. It was only after a couple years, which was just a few months ago, that I felt willing enough to give them another shot. The results are varied.... So far I've only been using DMT. The poisoned feeling can still very much emerge, especially if I'm by myself. Being around friends has always had a lessening effect on my symptoms, and that doesn't seem to have changed. However, I'm also able to achieve powerful hallucinations again, and I was amazed to find that they actually did carry on from all the progress I made "building" my HPPD even though it has lessened in intensity, though I was a bit depressed to find that the themes of my trips were now random or harsh as opposed to including the female entities I had been used to... something that I touched on this report. But, I had regained some hope. I even had one single trip where, though there was still some head pressure, there was no really sickened feeling and my hallucinations were actually quite pleasant. That made me more excited than anything, though my next times after that were again back to the dysphoric themes.

    (I've run out of space here, so this is continued in the next comment.)
  6. Dancing Chick
    From all of this I had resolved to simply integrate past lessons and assumed that my trips would never return to how they had been.... I also decided that I would need to completely stop smoking and drinking again, and then after an appropriate amount of time wherein my symptoms again lessened, I would be able to justify using psychedelics again, and I would never return to using anything chronically lest I risk bringing things such as the headaches back again. The thing is, back when I was feeling like I really ruined myself with all of my drug use, one thought that was always on my mind was "What if I had only used psychedelics?" If I had, would my visuals have become as blurry or jumbled, unable to reach the beauty I was used to? Would I have had any reason to worry about my physical health? Would I even have headaches or panic attacks or anything of the sort, or would my hallucinations just be exactly where I'd like them to be with my still being able to enjoy tripping as always? It's for this reason particularly, as I am quite certain of the answers to these questions, that now that I actually do have a glimmer of hope again I hope to never take anything but psychedelics again.... This combined weed, alcohol, and DMT trip which facilitated my old euphoric attitudes and temporarily hid my physical symptoms was a sign for me, a sign that I actually can continue down the path I was on before if I can just get myself back to a healthy state of mind and body. This trip was probably one of the most rewarding things I've ever experienced for that reason... not only because it played into my pure hedonism like past experiences had, but because it actually made me feel as though I may not have messed myself up forever, that the future I always wanted may still be possible for me. It showed me that psychedelics, which I hold so dear to my heart, which are THE way I express my sexuality, may actually still be something in which I can indulge....

    Ahh, I hope this hasn't been too long... I just wanted to really explain to you where I'm coming from. I do still have the hopes of trying new things in the future... but just things like DPT and 4-HO-MiPT which I have heard can be quite sexual. I think it would be cool to mix those with LSD and DMT, or perhaps other combinations as well.... I'm still very much an explorer, but I really do want to keep it exclusively to psychedelics. Especially now that DMT has reminded me just how much progress I had made and just how great the psychedelic experience can be for me, I truly don't want to take anything else ever again.... And honestly, I don't think I'll ever really need to either. If there's one idea this experience has strengthened in me, it's that DMT really can be like a pure imagination enhancer, just working on your mind and bringing it up to completely out-of-body levels. I already find LSD to be the ultimate drug for influencing sexual desires, and probably the only thing I've ever found better for that in general than the combination of weed and alcohol, and I'm sure I would enjoy other supposedly sexual psychedelics for it as well, so I'm sure that taking those and smoking DMT on top of them would be about as good as things can get for me.... I think I'll be quite happy with those, not feeling like I'm missing out on anything else.

    Now I too am rambling.... I really apologize for making this so long!! But I look forward to hearing back from you on it! :)
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