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Trip Report: Finally Finding What I Was Looking For

Rating:
3/5,
  1. Dancing Chick
    This trip report was originally written on December 7th.

    I've been interested in DMT for a long time and have been using it almost as long as I've been using psychoactives in general, but I've never been able to get quite what I felt should be for a long time. Not until now, that is.

    In the past I have had both weak and strongly visual sub-breakthrough experiences, but nothing more than that. Low doses made me sedated and gave me typical psychedelic visuals; colored grids, melting and colorful walls, swirling shapes, and so on. The higher doses made me body anesthetized but my mind was quite stimulated; visuals were heavily kaleidoscopic in nature, bursting with vibrant colors, and included a lot of entity content that seemed separate from myself. That is to say that these entities did not seem to be a part of my consciousness or based on it in any way, they were simply beings I was perceiving. I did not directly interact with any of them for these experiences.

    It has been a long time since those trips and a lot of things have changed both about who I am and about how psychoactives work on me. I used to take high doses of many different hallucinogens often and after a while it got to a point where psychedelics no longer seem to give me significant visual effects, at least in the typical sensory patterns way. They started becoming more like chaotic, neon dissociatives to me. Even for one of my last significant trips until now, a very large dose of LSD which was three and a half years ago, there were no kaleidoscopes or very many fractals or much at all in that respect. It was just a very powerful and bizarre out-of-body experience that focused on realistic dream perceptions but in very unrealistic ways, things like entity contact and breaking the laws of physics but in my actual house.

    Over the past week or so I have been smoking DMT a lot in an attempt to bring myself back up into psychedelic use slowly. I only intended to ever use it in sub-breakthrough doses still just to see where I am. These experiences verified that even after all this time, psychedelics still tend to be more like dissociatives for me. Things like distortions in perception of my body size and a heavy distancing from the experience were prevalent. Visuals consisted of very little besides the room breathing in a way that caused it to break into multiple layers, like quadruple vision or more, and it was clear that this was largely related to a pattern of colorful, grainy static that would overtake my field of vision after I dosed. It really was just like visual snow but with some visible curves in it, and not much else. It was also very transparent even when it was quite strong for what it is.

    Two nights ago I decided that I wanted to push myself further than I had gone so far. I knew that the DMT that I have this time is good because I've already used it to dose friends of mine, including one into a breakthrough, with less than the doses I was using and my same smoking technique. Based on past experiences with DMT and just with psychedelics in general, I have to assume that I'm just not a lightweight for it. I'm planning to get a GVG soon for future use to conserve as much of my supply as possible. But for now I was just ready to experience more, so I used my usual technique of sandwiching it between inactive doses of an herb, in this case catnip, but this time put two separate, full layers of DMT in it. I waited until late at night when I was otherwise headed to bed, turned out all the lights in my room, and then took a number of good-sized hits from it, how many hits exactly I can't quite recall.

    The first thing I remember from the trip is feeling like my consciousness was at the center of some kind of nebula with a white center, which I'm noticing more and more on DMT. This isn't exactly the way I thought of it at the time, it's just the only way I can think to describe it now. The layers of visual snow had increased to an extremely heavy point; I was now perceiving what seemed to be a huge mesh of concepts shoved into the same big picture. All of these involved very vivid hallucinations of entities and objects, but none of them was "complete". The best way I can describe it is that if you have a bunch of frames of chaotic images all stack on top of each other from bottom to top by order of decreasing proportion you would only see the very edges of each one, and that's what my frame of view was. All of those images were also dynamic and constantly changing from one moment to the next, and though I couldn't see a full view of any of them I had a strong sense of what each clip of the madness that I was seeing was.

    These hallucinations, like in my past trips, felt distinctly separate from me. They were more like visions I was seeing as opposed to actual distortions in my consciousness. However, unlike before, they did seem to draw heavily from my subconscious. During the peak of this experience I recalled previously long lost memories from the high dose LSD trip I mentioned before. As strong psychedelic hallucinations generally do for me, these perceptions all felt incredibly erotic. However, my overall feeling could not have been even remotely described as euphoric. As the trip was first starting to sink in I felt that I understood the feeling people described of having an elephant sitting on your chest. Until this point I had actually had a lot of reservations about pushing too far because over the years I had become quite a hypochondriac and feared that I had damaged my body quite a bit by my past rampant drug use, and those fears definitely manifested here. With all these sensations combined, I became convinced that I was dying and had the typical feelings of knowing that your loved ones will be so disappointed, you've lost out on so much life, and such things that are repeated ad infinitum throughout the psychedelic experience in general. These were, however, brand new thoughts for me; no psychoactive has been able to take me nearly this far out before.

    At some point during the experience, though I believe those death thoughts still existed somewhere in the background of the nebula, the hallucinations became much more prevalent than the psychological aspect. I simply basked in the absurdity of it all for a little while, and then out of nowhere it suddenly occurred to me that I still had a body. At that moment my panicky side kicked in and I was compelled to do my usual vitals checks. I noticed that my body felt weird and sweaty, as it has in the past with DMT when I became nervous, but these things suddenly seemed so inconsequential compared to what I had just experienced. It basically felt that by the time it even occurred to me to monitor myself I already knew that I was coming down, so the things that normally worry me didn't seem important. I was struck with a strong thirst and so I tried to reach behind me to the headboard of the bed to grab a water bottle, but in the darkness I was far too disoriented. My nebulous vision didn't change regardless of which way I faced, and my spatial perception was absolutely destroyed. It felt as though everything that I knew should be right around me could easily exist in any and every direction at any moment, and trying to feel things out only verified this. After hearing myself knock a couple of things over, I stopped trying and just plopped back down to rest.

    Not long after that I felt down enough to reach up and turn the light on properly, so I did so and was faced with several transparent copies of my bedroom all floating around each other and breathing all as one. At this point the only thing going through my head was how happy I was to be alive, and I started laughing and clutching the bed. That was about the extent of the hallucinogenic experience, but the psychological effects lasted for quite some time after that, as did residual stimulation. There was no way I was going straight to bed after that. I felt incredible, not just because I had actually reached a level of experience that I was trying to for so long but because this trip proved that my fears about pushing further on DMT were unfounded. Despite my insecurities about my body health and what I believed to be happening during the trip, I came out of it perfectly fine. So many of my fears were extinguished from that moment onward.

    A few hours later I was still awake and on my computer. I realized that there might still be some DMT left in the bowl I had smoked earlier since I put so much in it, so I figured hey, no fear! I picked it up and took the rest of what was in there in a couple of decent hits. This experience was completely different in every way. I still felt a slightly uncomfortable kind of body energy, but overall I was actually quite euphoric. I was getting hypnagogic visions like I never have before. Again, there were no basic psychedelic sensory distortions such as kaleidoscopes or fractals, but I was getting vivid warping scenery. It started with sort of a view of looking down upon a city in the sky; I saw a building slowly and smoothly rise into existence out of the ground and then some trees began to form on either side of it. People, way out of proportion to the rest of the scene, then began to form on either side of the trees and the middle of the image began transforming into a bizarre alien spaceship full of neon colors. These visions were all transparent but very detailed, and the gentle and smokey way they formed gave me the feeling that the DMT was just playfully stroking my mind, sort of like a lover, as this was again all very erotic to me. Despite this, these visions still felt like they existed as the place I was at rather than as a part of me. There was a decent amount of dissociation for this as well and sometimes it felt difficult to tell where reality ended and the trip began. I felt ecstatic and simply rolled around until it wore off, when I then got back on my laptop. The last thing I noticed about this was that I was getting fully 3D versions of my weak psychedelic visuals; even though it was just tracers and breathing and the like, they looked more integrated into my reality than they have from any psychedelic in years.

    I finally went to bed after that, and I spent all of yesterday very excited about my experiences. I reflected a lot on those trips and re-evaluated how I treat psychedelics. I felt a lot of freedom after letting go of the fear of pushing myself further. I had also started to worry that I wouldn't be able to get much out of psychedelics anymore because of how my trips had been progressing, and I now felt convinced otherwise. I wanted to dose again last night, but I was so tired from work after I got home that I quickly passed out not long after getting in bed. I woke up around 4 AM and decided that it was as good a time as any to trip, so I loaded myself a bowl. I used the method I had been using before, only putting one layer in, to see if those experiences would have changed my sensitivity to it at all, but they didn't seem to. Without typical psychedelic visuals to speak of, low doses don't amount to much more than confusing dissociative states for me, especially after what I had just gone through. I went to bed just after that and slept for a few more hours.

    When I awoke, I decided that I was going to give it one more shot before starting my day. This time I loaded myself another double-layered bowl and tried to get as comfortable as possible. After a minute or two of mental preparation, I picked up the pipe and took two big hits, which amounted to more than two draws because I pulled so much smoke from them. I think this may have been my strongest experience yet; it's only because of a subsequent dose that I even remember how it started, which was with the typical visual snow field but extremely intensely. I was once again brought back to the nebula, only this time I was so deep in the light that I can't recall anything else from it. If there were hallucinations at all, I was far too dissociated to process or remember them. The first thing that I can recall is being filled with feelings of guilt. This centered around my body feeling quite uncomfortable, which I don't think I could actually perceive at all at the time, but I was somehow still aware of it, perhaps through its psychological implications. This trip has really got me thinking about how just because you're too far apart from your body to feel it doesn't necessarily mean it won't be influencing what you're experiencing in any way; the mind-body connection exists even if you don't realize it. Back to the trip, it was occurring to me that just because I had abandoned the fear I felt before it didn't mean that I didn't still need to get my act together. I've stopped taking every drug that comes my way, but I still abuse my body and don't live nearly as a healthy a life as I should, even enough to let my body heal from the things that have worried so much in the past. In my previous dose I had still been on an incredible high from my death experience and that probably facilitated what was such a beautiful trip, but now that it was a new day I had to remember that I still had responsibilities to take care of in life. Only once I integrate this lesson will I truly be able to return to tripping comfortably.

    Before I go on to this next part, let me just say that I consider myself to be a very physical person. There is a very strong link between the way I feel physically and the way I feel emotionally and psychologically, and vice-versa. In fact, the more I tripped in the past and my visual experiences started becoming weaker the more my physical experiences started becoming stronger, which may have been connected to how I started worrying about my body in the first place since I wasn't treating it well. After I stopped using strong hallucinogens for a long time I actually grew to love cannabis so much because of just how physical of a psychedelic it can be. It was through using it that I became so in touch with my body, and this is part of why the mind-body connection I mentioned before means so much to me, particularly in the context of these DMT trips. I've actually only experienced synesthesia a couple of times before in my life, once on a psychedelic and once on a deliriant, and each of those was based around my body feelings bleeding into my other senses. The former involved squeezing the bed I was lying on and then releasing it, and as I did the visual patterns I was seeing behind closed eyes, back when visuals were common for me, compressed and then released along with my fingers and had a bouncing sound effect along with it. The latter involved a static pattern on the wall which would only move or change even slightly as I reoriented myself and changed which direction I was looking at it from. These experiences only strengthen my belief that my body plays a large role in my perception.

    Anyway, not too long after I had those thoughts I mentioned before I felt myself sliding back out of the nebula, but slowly. The first significant thing that happened was that my body reintegrated into my sensory awareness. At this point, as far as I can remember, there were still no significant visuals or hallucinations to speak of, maybe just some little grainy flakes of color floating around the white light at best. However, that all changed quickly. For the first time since I dosed I felt myself breath in, and the second I did my reality began to warp possibly more strongly than it ever has before. It twisted into humanoid shapes that were extremely well-defined despite being based on this nebulous lack of visuals, it was essentially an unbelievably heavy distortion of current sensory information rather than being an explosion of new sensations. As I breathed back out, these humanoid forms twisted in a different way that was just as mind-blowing. When I breathed back in they returned to their original design, and then went back again as I released my breath. This was pure synesthesia of an incredibly high caliber. Though I still felt uncomfortable as I was earlier, this experience nearly made up for it with how amazing and erotic it was. This is why I've been mentioning how the entities and visions that I've always seen on DMT previously seemed like separate things from me.... These humanoid forms were entirely different from what I've experienced before. These figures were my body, my breath, my life. They were intrinsically me and I was intrinsically them. I felt them as a part of myself just as I feel any other part of my body, and this sensation was overwhelming. It was the kind of thing I had always dreamed of experiencing on any psychoactive, but especially a psychedelic. It was absolutely breathtaking, and something that stood out to me more than anything was how much it differed from the typical identity loss kind of psychedelic effects.... It was truly all about me.

    As this experience was already on the comedown, it wasn't long after that that I returned to the typical multiple breathing copies of my room and not much else other than a sense of awe. I couldn't stop thinking about what I had just gone through. At first I wondered, how could the comedown have possibly been so much more hallucinogenic than the peak? Even though I can't recall if there were hallucinations as I was peaking, I feel that I can say with absolutely certainty that nothing like THAT was happening. However, upon thinking more about the mind-body connection, I began to wonder.... My emotional and psychological state may be effected even by my body even if I can't feel it, but it makes perfect sense that an experience such as synesthesia wouldn't begin until it actually entered my conscious awareness. This gave me a lot to think about and it's still doing so. About half an hour after that dose, I smoked the rest of the DMT that was in my pipe thinking that there probably wasn't a lot left. That was the subsequent dose I mentioned that was the only reason I even remembered how the previous trip started. It didn't amount to much aside from the visual snow pattern though, and that was my last experience so far.

    So, to recap, these are the responsibilities in my life that I need to see through that I have taken away from these trips, in order:

    1. I need to get a GVG, and a scale. If it's going to take me more than the average person to get a potent effect out of DMT then I want to make sure that what I have lasts as long as possible. Especially considering that I'm sharing what I have with people as well, every milligram counts.

    2. I need to remember to let go of fear. The value of experiencing something truly terrifying like this is that it paves the way for something truly beautiful. I've made bad decisions in the past, but I can overcome them like anything else if I just have faith in myself. In addition, simply being able to dive into the deep end without reservations is obviously how I'm going to see the truly mystical side of life.

    3. I need to remember to stick to my goals; just because I've made some progress doesn't mean I can get carried away again. I've worked a lot on my psychological issues, but I still have physical issues to overcome as well that are at least as important if not more so. If I ever want a chance at a better life, I need to work on all of my problems, not just some of them.

    4. After I've fully integrated and completely resolved the previous two responsibilities, I need to find the perfect dose of oral DMT to get me back to that place of synesthesia for a decent amount of time and then have incredible sex on it. There is no other option.

    So that's where I am right now.... That last one is a little less serious of course, not that I'm not completely committed to it, but I really am seriously interested in oral DMT now as well. I'm also more excited than ever to push toward a full breakthrough.... The first and third major trips I mentioned here were obviously on sort of a different level of experience, but the second one was absolutely the kind of thing that I know could have become the typical breakthrough with entity contact and dream scenes that I hear so much about if I had dosed higher. But of course, I need to make sure I'm ready for that kind of experience first as well. In the end, these trips have just given me a lot to reflect on, accomplish, and prepare myself for in the future. In order, I would have to say that these trips were probably the strongest psychological, strongest visual, and strongest synesthetic experiences I've ever had, and not to mention some of the most helpful.

    The final thought I would have to add to this is that I am certainly interested in seeing much more of what DMT has to show me!

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