trying hard not to let this go...

By no eff eks · Mar 26, 2012 · ·
  1. no eff eks
    "I can't take it, these beatings I give to myself
    have got to stop, and i need your help
    my better half is the half that i hide
    and i'm trying hard not to let this go"

    I often wonder what that last line means to me. Am I trying to hold onto my recent growth as a person in the face of lingering issues with substance abuse? Or am I really just clinging to the remaining drug(s) I can abuse constantly without serious physical or mental problems? Clearly both...

    Lately life has been fairly kind to me in many ways, and has kicked me in the stomach repeatedly. The pain has almost all been self-inflicted, the good parts mostly came from the actions of others. I wonder how many minds I've benefited in my time on earth... I wonder how many of the people that have helped me along my way realize the impact of their actions... Probably not many.

    I always thought I was smarter than everyone else... I'm pretty sure I'm right, but now I'm not sure (of anything).

    "It seems like I've been here one thousand times before.
    One thousand times everyday and I still beg for more.
    Not far from here I'll find myself,
    but time is the distance from that feeling."

    (quotes are from the song "Time is the Distance" by the Deviates)

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  1. P1-O2
    Your post resounds strong with what I'm experiencing right now. Lots of pain that is mostly my own fault, usage of cannabinoids among them.
    You should write updates more often - and consider expanding upon your experiences. Sometimes it helps just to formulate them into a full spoken thought or written word.

    And perhaps it is not that you were smarter, but more observant and open than everyone else was. :thumbsup:
  2. no eff eks
    I have no idea how to approve comments or why I have to approve comments... but yeah...

    I have a tendency to be wordy and overly specific so I find vague and compact messages very mentally stimulating... I'm absolutely sure that I'll end up posting some sort of taxingly long cathartic rant about my issues at some point, so there's always that to look forward to. :)

    Thanks for reading! <3<3
  3. DHCdiva
    I thought that was a good post, the way it was worded enabled me to reach a kind of empathy.

    We influence many people even when we think they haven't noticed us.

    Looking forward to reading more from you in the future.
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