"I can't take it, these beatings I give to myself
have got to stop, and i need your help
my better half is the half that i hide
and i'm trying hard not to let this go"
I often wonder what that last line means to me. Am I trying to hold onto my recent growth as a person in the face of lingering issues with substance abuse? Or am I really just clinging to the remaining drug(s) I can abuse constantly without serious physical or mental problems? Clearly both...
Lately life has been fairly kind to me in many ways, and has kicked me in the stomach repeatedly. The pain has almost all been self-inflicted, the good parts mostly came from the actions of others. I wonder how many minds I've benefited in my time on earth... I wonder how many of the people that have helped me along my way realize the impact of their actions... Probably not many.
I always thought I was smarter than everyone else... I'm pretty sure I'm right, but now I'm not sure (of anything).
"It seems like I've been here one thousand times before.
One thousand times everyday and I still beg for more.
Not far from here I'll find myself,
but time is the distance from that feeling."
(quotes are from the song "Time is the Distance" by the Deviates)