trying this again

By jessilee · Jan 13, 2014 · ·
  1. jessilee
    Giving the blog feature another try. I'm seriously a very sensitive person. Sensitive, not stupid. Last blog I tried to give daily things going on with my dealer and I, the kaos that came with it. It got back to me that it was thought of pretty comical and stupid, juvenile to some... I honestly don't really know why it bothered me like it did. But maybe the drugs haven't made me an egotistical asshole yet. Who knows..there is still time... we hide behind computers, big words, mocking people and casting judgment... not really looking inward. I would imagine that an egotistical persons worse fear is the mirror. Sometimetimes its so hard to look at yourself. I see it in the bar I work at all the time. Usually in a stooper. I feel for others, I try to relate. Even if I don't agree. There are people out there that are clueless, but not useless. That's all about that for now.

    I've been doing a lot of research on nutrition lately.. trying to find benfits of certain foods that produce or aid dopamine levels. Restore metabolism, without significate down time and reducing cravings, supplements or herbal remedies that have natural boosting effects ...this has not been easy. Our bodies are very complex. I really wish I would have been able to finish college and been able to know a little more about this so I'm not starting at square one. And I can admit I'm looking for the easy way to repair the damage I have done. In vain. Maybe somwhere down the line DF can make a little spot for this kind of stuff too. I still haven't gotten through the whole site. It may already be here.

    I quit for 3 days..I end up caving. I quit again..hopefully one of these times I can stay strong. My life has taken a new direction recently. Its a big change. Cleaning up is a must. I have only a cpl months to make the step. I'm excited and scared.. I'm ready to change. Even with fighting off addiction I'm positive I will win.

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  1. shivaree
    I have a few blogs..and I used that phrase (metaphorical mirror) as a title to one of my postings...

    It was put in front of my face, and I didn't like what I saw. But you're right....
    Even with good intentions to help and support another person, it's always easier to hold that "mirror" up to their face without ever looking at it ourselves.

    No one reads my blogs because of this same reason. I'm scared of judgement and criticism to it. It's not easy putting yourself "out there". You've made yourself a target, and that makes you feel vulnerable. Vulnerable doesn't necessarily mean "weakness". It takes a very strong person, spiritually and emotionally to do that. And especially when it's a particularly sensitive subject like addiction. You should be very proud of yourself for taking back control of your life and moving towards recovery. And basically it's a lot of therapy: psychiatric, talk, physical, mental, and possibly even some drug therapy (herbal or script from a reputed doctor of course) This blog and or even a journal is part of your recovery process too. You shouldn't hold back for fear of being judged. I only wish I had half of your courage.

    Hang in there! I'm here for you (as much as I can be anyways). And be proud of where you are now. Asking for help is a HUGE step forward to your well deserved happiness and health. Take care!
  2. bluenarrative
    You're back! How are you? It sounded in your last note to me that marital issues have come to a head-- yes? Are you okay with the things are unfolding now? What was the reference to having only a "couple of months"?
  3. ZenobiaSky
    HI Jessilee, first I want to draw your attention to the triangle at the bottom of the post, that is to report posts that are "breaches of the rules, like spam, illegal activity, flaming, under-age members, advertising messages, and problematic (harassment, fighting, or rude) posts. ". Which I have done for you.

    I am applaud that ANYONE would act that way towards a person looking for help in recovering from their addiction, and those people should just be disregarded, because they are not the majority here, and please don't let those bad apples spoil all you can get from this site and writing to your blog.


    I am glad to see you giving your blog another chance, it really is a great way to get out thoughts and feelings that you can't really tell anyone else, knowing that there are other people here that are like minded, or can relate to your situation. I find my blog a great way to get out those thoughts I can't tell those in my real life, and know that here I won't be judged or criticized (at least I expect that from those who chose to read my blog, I didn't ask anyone to read it). I have found great support from others recovering from not only meth but other substances too, and the support I have found here as been a big part in my process.

    Please keep posting and if I can help in any way please DM me, I can truly relate to what you are facing, and if I run across any articles that I think assist you, I'll be sure to send them your way.

    And btw I just read your profile, and the other problem I also suffer from so I get the fears that come along with all of this!
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