Trying to find the path back

By ZenobiaSky · Nov 2, 2012 · ·
  1. ZenobiaSky
    Wow, it's just been crazy. After my failed attempt at suicide, which caused flashbacks of my physchotic break, I tried to pull it together. Bill and I have finally split up, and with the way things are going right now, I don't even want to see him. I have been obssesing for so long on using and feeling that high again. I finally got my doctor talked into putting me back on Lortab. You think that would have been enough. I think it would have been....

    A friend of mine (and yes someone Flossy used to get dope from) showed up. He was in bad shape and told me he needed help, he needed to go to treatment. Of course being the person I am I told him I would help him. That night, after being around someone who had been tweeking for three days.. I got really sick, like going through withdraws all over again. Turns out for the average person, you can't go to treatment unless you have the money. What a load of crap that is, I mean really what drug addict has that kind of money... Flossy (oh yeah that's my drug addict cow) hit him up to score some dope for her. Luckily he said no, and asked not to be put in that position, he wouldn't be responsible for a relapse. After being around him enough, I finally broke down, and so did he.

    I can't go back to that again, as much as I love this, its total insanity, and I know what I have to do and that's what scares me, it wasn't much fun the first time. I know after all the pain, anxiety and just total crap you have to go through to get clean, you would think I wouldn't go through that agian. But I don't know how to live life without amphetamines. I have gotten more stuff done around my house than I have since I got back. I'm so torn!!!!

    My life is just crap, being on disability really sucks because I have lost so much of my independence. I'm not even sure if I know how to get a job. Everyone says I should volunteer, I don't even have the will to do that. Most days I'm lucky to get off the couch. All my social anxiety is back, it's all I can do to just go to the store. I never want to leave my house, half the time I'm to scared, I'm not sure of what. I just wish I knew how to get my life back. It's like somewhere along the way I lost the directions for how to live life on life's terms. I'm too old for this. That's the other thing, I've really been obsessing about my age and feeling like people my age should have their shit together, not fighting addiction and relying on disability. I am sooo scared of getting old, and it's finally catching up to me. I know.. most of you will say "your not old" But when everyone is almost 10 years younger than you, you start to feel like everyone's mom.

    A nyway, that's where things are at now. I know not very pretty, and before it's over I am sure I will be getting professional help again. Thanx for reading this, and your support and comments.

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  1. profesor
    I'm sorry ZenobiaSky, I know how you feel about being old, and on disability. I got a chance to volunteer, then got a part time job(unrelated), but I still have bad days. I have to remind myself I'm making progress. Slow frustrating progress. I'm taking a class, and most of my classmates are twenty years younger than me! And if I'm still stuck in this place in a dozen years, it's not so bad. Nobody promised me a rose garden. Keep going. <insert aa/na saying here> good luck!
  2. derpahderp
    On or off (on the Go or not)-- I believe you write with passion.. or honesty? Either way keep writing.. you got one more listener.. Flossy. Hm, gotta remember that one.

    Take care Zen
  3. ericschick
    First off, I just want to tell you how brave I think you are to write honestly & straight through any b.s. I feel like u took my thoughts & feelings (almost to a t) & put them on paper. Especially about the anxiety of worries of leaving the house. So many ppl just write it off as lack of ambition but it really has nothing to do with being lazy. If ur cow is anything like mine I think that the problem is that we are our harshest critics & probably perfectionists. All it takes is one snarky or unsympathetic comment like "if u cared enough you'd do this”, or "u should think of ur child every time u want a cigarette”, etc. I'm using obvious generalizations but it sucks when someone can't see how much u really do want out of life & the qualities that u know u possess. I always try to use the motto that being a good person is doing the right thing when nobody is looking. Not all drug addicts, users, etc are liars & thieves. Yes, our cows lie about using as much as they have to but that does not automatically make someone or cow a bad person. Just flawed like everyone else. Some flaws just affect some of us more because we do want so much more from ourselves. I know this is an older text so u may be in a completely different place in life but you were kind to me in a time where nobody else including family were being. I'd have put a comma in that last sentence but placing the cursor where I need to is really fuc*ing pissing me off right now. Sorry to go off topic or rant. Hope u might take anything I had to say as a positive & just that would be enough. Sorry if there are any errors but I lose the cursor placement when trying to scroll thru the message. Anyhow, hope to hear from u in the future.
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