tomorrow is the big day... oh and guess why i cannot bring my AODA counselor? i was told that it's not "relevant" to the issues we'll be discussing.. lol.. 90% of everything we have talked about in counseling in the past months is my methadone tx/taper/goals and how it's going, and treatment plans as the taper gets lower, and this bullshit at the clinic as of late- it is obviously the most predominant issue in my recovery- she is my AODA therapist/counselor for outpatient rehab and has been for over 5 years, since my earlier heroin using days- since BEFORE i started methadone and throughout the whole time.. ugh.
but apparently yes, having an advocate or therapist there is not "relevant" (BUT they then said they wanted to bring in the two admins, one of whom i've never met, and my current counselor with whom i have worked for over 2 years at the mmt clinic, which is fine/good, and my OLD COUNSELOR at the clinic who i saw for like less than a year in between my first counselor and my current (3rd) counselor at their clinic to get his input-- how is his input from over two years ago at all relevant? at least how is it more relevant than my therapist, whose career involves treating addicts and who has worked with me throughout pretty much my entire opiate abusing and recovery period?
it's just clear that this is round number two of shady under the table deal making (I expressed my concerns about communication and understanding one another via the speakerphone call, and asked that this discussion take the form of a written agreement or contract, and that they provide things in writing-- she goes, "oh yes, you bet there will be a contract." *sinister bitchy voice* lol)
So-- who wants to bet me a hundred bucks that they draw up a contract that says something about how I did something wrong in treatment and imply that methadone has not been a successful treatment for me (it has kept me from being dead or in jail, and i have pissed clean for several years now, so how hasn't it succeeded again? lol. I also think it humorous and plan to point out that I have asked everyone at my clinic if they feel we have an adversarial relationship, and no one thinks we do, so the reason they stated in their letter of termination is pretty much null and void- again, unless "adversarial" refers to my filing of a grievance, and by definition this would then be... wait for it... retaliation. How the fuck do these people think they can get away with this? I know, it's obvious, because people are dependent on the meds and NO ONE in the community, legal or otherwise, is willing to actually enforce these statutes or take them on.
But, yep, willing to bet anyone that they want me to agree to adhere to strict restrictions in order to continue treatment and admit to having done at least something wrong if not multiple offenses... I also don't imagine I'll be getting an apology, or a refund for the money I have to spend to see out of network doctors this past week and tomorrow, and the days my folks have taken off work to be with me when i was at risk of relapse and too sick to care for my own child, and the emotional distress of having a panic attack for the first time since getting stable on MMT and my dad said he almost called 911 cause he thought i was having a stroke or an aneurysm so apparently it was bad cause I have never had a panic attack before where I blacked out or couldn't walk until this one.. and yes this was before the clonidine so was obviously brought on by the withdrawal itself, anxiety and lack of sleep of withdrawal and stress, and the psychological tactics used against me.
I hope I am wrong in some ways about the intent of tomorrow's meeting but it's spelled out pretty clearly what this is about methinks.. So if this is the case I will maintain my position that, having done nothing wrong, there should be no changes needed other than removing their 30-day notice/threat, and if any contract is presented, I will explain that due to their intentionally putting me into withdrawal and causing me to be ill, I will need some time, as any reasonable person would, to look over such a treatment contract with either my private AODA counselor (the one they are now not allowing into the mtg- though she will be writing a letter on my behalf and i will pick it up tomorrow a.m. before this showdown is to occur), who is intimately involved in my treatment and recovery, and/or a lawyer to ensure the legality of such.
I guarantee they will deny any such request (i.e. "sign now or sign never.." they've done this to me once before..) so I think I know just how this meeting will go.. ugh.
Just wish that the doc appt and the meeting at the clinic were reversed, i'd like to know what my options are if i even have any before going in and turning down their bullshit deal, but then i remind myself that whatever happens with this new doc, i will not ever sign something restricting my rights nor will i ever admit to doing something wrong when I have NOT. so, either way, i'll see.. the outcome at the doc shouldn't impact what I have to do at this meeting.. I would just be calmer going in if I knew I had medication access, but I've come this far and know I can figure it out somehow..
but seriously, watch, i am actually, sadly enough, intrigued to see how close my predictions are.. i am thinking their lawyer told them to "bat again" when i refused to write the grovelling letter of apology at first in order to stay on and get my prior dose and taper pace back..
I also think it is funny (and sad, but we laugh or we cry sometimes, right?) that they acknowledged they were putting me into withdrawal and their own PA was the one who prescribed the clonidine on friday to help get me through it- compassionate man actually, but they have clearly acknowledged on all fronts they intentionally put me into withdrawals, and that they intended to alleviate them (up my dose again) once I "signed a confession" of sorts.. so how is that not bribery/blackmail again?
UGH how is our country/society so FUCKED UP? /rant..
Anywho- I am still ill but clonidine is indeed a useful drug and idk if my body has adjusted to going down at five times a normal taper pace for me or more, but at least they did have to reinstate my option not to go down, so this past friday i did stay at the dose they forced me down to (30 mg BID) and still get the minor symptoms, hot/cold, yawns, insomnia/hypersomnia (very weird combo of symptoms there, lol) and tummy uckiness, in general i feel more functional though and clearer headed and been sleeping better, some night with valium but generally without the past couple nights.. the body aches are definitely minor now compared to what they were and my mood is generally better, and the cravings are still strong at times but much more manageable..
so, onwards, i guess.. wish i could sleep though given i have to get up soon (well 8 hours soon, lol, soon for me, i need my sleep..)
and as for mother's day- i had the kiddo in feb. so last mother's day was my first official one, but still fun to be a mom on mom's day!
i was glad i felt well enough to do something for mother's day.. i was thinking i might have family watch him but decided i really wanted to be with my kiddo for mother's day and felt well enough to do so without needing any childcare help except when i jumped but i'll get to that lol (Oh, and don't tell anyone, but a friend who i have been introduced told me her pet dragon might have taken 10mg off her night dose and put it on her morning dose so that she could get through mother's day stuff without feeling too shitty, but now this night, she tells me she suffers a bit for that, twas a trade-off..)
but anyways, kiddo and i went to the folks' house and my grandma came by and we saw my siblings and all had mother's day lunch and then some of my family came out (finally!!) to the dropzone and i made my 4th student skydive, very awesome, my dad watched the wee dude while i went up and they watched me land which was cool, i've been badgering them to come out every weekend for like the past 7 weekends so I finally achieved my goal of having someone come and watch me lol, very happy with that. then i stuck around with the kiddo so he could play with the other kids and so mama could play with the kiddos and with the other adults, we had a mother's day picnic/potluck thing and they invited me which was cool, we just grilled out and such and had a li'l celebration out on the green grass, it was such a beautiful day.. and now i pay the price, exhausted and achy, but it was worth it.. weekends are weekends for a reason right? and i'm a mama so i get to do fun stuff with my mama and/or son on mom's day, lol, no matter what..
off to bed (?) wish me luck..
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Update - clinic meeting and doc tomorrow, Mother's Day celebration today..