The title of my entry is a line i've heard before. The more I think about it, the more I believe i'll not be able to connect to another person.
I need real constructive feedback about my personality, even if it stings like hell, I need to move on from this rut.
Some people find i'm too open. I never used to be like this, even my own dad thought I had ice for a heart, showing your emotions just was a no-no. One day I started opening up to 1 person, and since, i've opened to anyone that will listen. My friend who I try to connect with is sick of me, she is like how I was, no showing affection to humans, just pets, then I try to change to what women want, and now I feel like a bloody whuss. Now I feel that she's made of bloody ice. Even when she was supporting me, telling me my bad points (I did ask for truth) I felt overwhelmed by the sheer number, as id never been told 1 good point about myself. So I craved, I don't know, for some affection, anything.
Now its made me appear to everyone else as a desperate for attention human being, it scares women off completely, and I now am starting to fix things. This week as i've offered support, i'd had a bad day myself and it became about "me", and I had to apologize to this person, who never wrote back.
I've aded skype to my profile, for those who think voice chat offers that personal touch to support. Males or females are welcome, PM me first though as I don't always turn it on. I am respectful and don't make lewd comments, especially to females. You have the power to hang up, just I find some PMs, as supportive as they are, to then make me feel alone after ive read them, its like a craving for support that never goes away. Maybe this comes with living in isolation? I rarely go outside my room, im at skype for whenever my friend calls me.
I slept my 20s away alot, I was ill, and i'm in my 30s now feeling i've missed out on so much life. 30 yr old women now, want a quiet life, thats fine, I feel though i've got living to do. I'm looking for a travel companion, new friends, anything that stops the alone feeling. Instead of whining, its time to get myself out into this open world, and start connecting.
Its weird, though, it seems all the genuine women around, are the ones who have problems too, like me. I have a skin condition, I have trouble getting past it, when someone accepts it, theres my addiction, anyone left standing 50% of the time is a pretender. I've never seen a beautiful woman that isn't shallow, is that an insult, or is this the state of the world today? I am not one to tar anyone with the same brush, but this is how I feel as a human being today, that we're really all alone in the world.
I once tried being one of those bad boys, women like, I made a woman cry, I felt so bad I paid her brother to beat me up. She liked that, and thought it was funny, but I truly felt horrid.
In UK, In my area, a man is someone who works, can protect his woman (I did martial arts but is that enough now when gangs of men from other countries go around violating our vulnerable). A man doesnt like hugs (I jumped back the first time a woman wanted to hug me, then after I got over it, I liked it, wtf, does this make me a wussy/dork?) i'm a shadow of the former me, and I am now going to get myself back. A man is someone who is respecful, and knows how to treat a woman..........anyone sick yet of the eeeew? I think I was born 20 yrs too late.
Ok so thats myself, my personality, I take things too serious, I need to concentrate on me, I feel dignityless that I feel i've none left to lose. Then theres the mental health issue.
It was demonstrated the other day, just how controllable/or maniupulated I can be. My friend who is more educated than me, told me stonehenge wasnt in UK. I almost pooped bricks as I knew it was a UK landmark, but instead of opening my mouth I thought id listen, and she said its in amersterdamn, I said, it is? shes like OMFG LOL LOL at me. I said, gee i bloody thought there wasnt something right there, but it shows how easy I can be played. It worrys the hell out of me, is this what drugs does to us? or is it just me as a person?
I need to toughen up, any ideas except councelling since I have 1? I don't want to be controlled, niaeve, manipulated. You guys here, 30yr olds, must be surprised seeing a 33 yr old write this, I put it down to a decade of sleep, your wisdom would be helpful, i've seen even 20 yr olds with more wisdom than i've had on a good day,
So i'm asking for real advice, advice I will heed, I will even humour it if I view it as "blah blah". I'm putting myself out there, for males and females to comment, males, am I a wussy? or a sensitive age guy? or someone who wears a heart on his sleeves? women, am I some obsessed nut? am I starting to show signs of psychotic behaviour?
Some of you will be thinking WTF is this guy on, why would he write this, my answer is, i'm not able to lose any more dignity, and have nothing to lose for asking this. Also if it is a weird post to make, maybe it shall serve as a warning to constant drug use. If I thought videoing me would scare someone shitless of drugs, i'd do it.
So, if we are born alone, die alone, does that mean we are alone, if so, does that mean we're selfish by nature? as I know i'm selfish but I try to be a good person.
If you would like to use my experience in a study/essay/or anything related to educating others in drug addiction, you have my permission to copy and use my experience. If you need any questions answering, or anything expanding upon, please let me know.
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We are born alone, and die alone!