2 days off spent sleeping, cos was too broke to get anything. The end of the second day sleeping I woke up long enough to get really pissed off. I'm not sure what I was more pissed off about though, maybe just everything.
Pissed because I had no dope. Felt like shit and had things I wanted to get done.
Pissed because of having no money. Paid all the bills, got enough food, but didn't budget enough for dope during a slow DVD week.
Pissed because every day, I have to wipe up or clean up shit, its part of the job and I maintain my compassion while performing my duties. But when I get home, I can cry and whine and moan about cleaning and wiping shit, cos its a job nobody enjoys. And I really feel ENTITLED to enough money to at least keep me supplied with what I need for 2 weeks, because I bust my ass to make that money.
Pissed because I yelled at my husband. And I never yell. The anger/aggression seen in many meth users has never touched me. So I was surprised by my outburst, and then ashamed.
He isn't working, I try very, very hard to not resent it and never to make him feel small because he's not working. And even though I yelled at him, it wasn't about that.
I scraped and scrounged out all my change to get something, but of course, that will soon be gone. I yelled at him because he was the one who convinced me to change connections to HIS guy, who I could trade DVD's to. Therefore, I dropped all my connections gradually. Sometimes his guy is hard to reach, and once I'd scraped up the money last night, his guy was 'busy' for I don't remember how many hours. THAT's why I yelled. I was so frustrated and sick of myself.
So is this the beginning of the 'monster'? How far off the edge am I ? Will I snap?
Today I just feel like shit because of last night, husband seems subdues and uncommunicative, and I gotta go to work. I don't foresee any improvement unless dollar bills start raining from the sky.
I'd cry if I weren't so emotionally closed off at the moment.
I guess I better just go do what I have to do, and not think about the rest til later. Its bad enough to go to work in a good frame of mind and have to do what i do. To go to work crabby and out of sorts.. well I just couldn't.
Dear Drugs-Forum readers: We are a small non-profit that runs one of the most read drug information & addiction help websites in the world. We serve over 4 million readers per month, and have costs like all popular websites: servers, hosting, licenses and software. To protect our independence we do not run ads. We take no government funds. We run on donations which average $25. If everyone reading this would donate $5 then this fund raiser would be done in an hour. If Drugs-Forum is useful to you, take one minute to keep it online another year by donating whatever you can today. Donations are currently not sufficient to pay our bills and keep the site up. Your help is most welcome. Thank you.
Well, shit. Bad day, getting worse.