2 days off spent sleeping, cos was too broke to get anything. The end of the second day sleeping I woke up long enough to get really pissed off. I'm not sure what I was more pissed off about though, maybe just everything.
Pissed because I had no dope. Felt like shit and had things I wanted to get done.
Pissed because of having no money. Paid all the bills, got enough food, but didn't budget enough for dope during a slow DVD week.
Pissed because every day, I have to wipe up or clean up shit, its part of the job and I maintain my compassion while performing my duties. But when I get home, I can cry and whine and moan about cleaning and wiping shit, cos its a job nobody enjoys. And I really feel ENTITLED to enough money to at least keep me supplied with what I need for 2 weeks, because I bust my ass to make that money.
Pissed because I yelled at my husband. And I never yell. The anger/aggression seen in many meth users has never touched me. So I was surprised by my outburst, and then ashamed.
He isn't working, I try very, very hard to not resent it and never to make him feel small because he's not working. And even though I yelled at him, it wasn't about that.
I scraped and scrounged out all my change to get something, but of course, that will soon be gone. I yelled at him because he was the one who convinced me to change connections to HIS guy, who I could trade DVD's to. Therefore, I dropped all my connections gradually. Sometimes his guy is hard to reach, and once I'd scraped up the money last night, his guy was 'busy' for I don't remember how many hours. THAT's why I yelled. I was so frustrated and sick of myself.
So is this the beginning of the 'monster'? How far off the edge am I ? Will I snap?
Today I just feel like shit because of last night, husband seems subdues and uncommunicative, and I gotta go to work. I don't foresee any improvement unless dollar bills start raining from the sky.
I'd cry if I weren't so emotionally closed off at the moment.
I guess I better just go do what I have to do, and not think about the rest til later. Its bad enough to go to work in a good frame of mind and have to do what i do. To go to work crabby and out of sorts.. well I just couldn't.