We're all separately alone, together.

By Paperthinheart · Sep 19, 2016 · ·
  1. Paperthinheart
    Oops. Continued from last post.

    I think I can trust her most out of everyone. Be open with her more than anyone else. But there is always this questioning. She's an alcoholic. She's now (back) into drugs and she invited me along. That doesn't mean she's evil or bad. But at what point does it start to change a person?

    It's easier to be honest with strangers over the Internet. Many won't be judgemental, at least so far in my experience here on df. And those who are judgemental well fuck them because you don't even know who they are and their opinion means nothing anyway.

    Most people have friends and family at least. I'm weird because I have my parents only, no brothers or sisters, no cousins no grandparents etc I've never even known any other family besides mom and dad. I have met some family members like once when I was 8 but no lasting relationships. For some reason my parents haven't kept in touch either with any family.

    I've never been good at making friends. If i meet someone and we hit it off and hang out, we'll hang out like maybe 3 times if im lucky before they flake out.

    I suppose it could be something I could work on improving. Making and keeping friends. But I have little faith in people these days. Sometimes I blame myself and my social anxiety and my awkwardness. But also people have told me that I'm not as awkward as I think I am. Which I could see that happening. My perception of myself has always been too harsh, probably not super close to reality.

    But when I recall back to the times in my life that I have tried to work on friendships and making friends that it has left me feeling broken hearted consistently.

    The times that it happened naturally without trying were good times, even if over time and years we ended up losing touch. So I'd much rather it happen naturally if at all.

    And if I'm meant to live a lonely life, perhaps that's just what's meant for me. I'd love to have a couple of close friends that I can tell absolutely anything to. But I don't. So I write. Either in my journal, or now, here.

    If i had one wish that I would use to create a perfect friend (if i only had one wish is probably wish for money but hey lol) it would be someone who was always interested in my thoughts and who I was so comfortable with that I would never question that or feel the need to sensor myself. And vice versa. Someone who would always be honest with me and never feel they had to sensor. That's all I want. Someone always to listen. Always to be truthful. And you know what? I'd probably be happy too if that person was my wife. I don't need a wife and a best friend or friends but to have it all in one person would be perfect. If it was perfect, that person wouldn't even mind that they were my everything.

    But alas, wishes aren't reality.

    The things I see as horrible possibilities of my possible future aren't reality either though. And the truth is that there's no way to know what's going to happen.

    All I can really do is do the best that I can with what I have to work with in this moment and every moment. Hope for the best. Try and plan as best I can for the future. And try to relax. I'm way too stressed out all the time.

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  1. iwantsobriety
    Wow I can definitely relate to that! I mean growing up I've always had anxiety towards people because I got picked on or made fun of by both sexes.. and it got to the point where I got sick of it so I started to defend myself. Any one who tried to jump me I'd bash their skull in. Any girl that treated me as if I was nothing to them but good looks and a good lay I'd make sure to crush their cold hearts and make them realize that they have way more ugliness on the outside and in.. but silence is but a deadly grin! I never wanted to be mean or act the way that everyone else does in this world. I wanted to fit in and stand up for what's right and for what's wrong. But in the end I was just as much of a bully as they were.

    Crystal Meth gives me the confidence I need to fit into this world or try to anyways. But I'm awesome without the drugs and I don't need anyone's approval. I used to run with the bikers and prove to them just how crazy I can be.. but they didn't even need that to respect me. I did so many terrible things but not so terrible that I feel guilty about it.. I just wanted to stand up for somebody.. or let it be known that I may be wierd but I'm also unique in that way if they had the chance to get to know me. There was a time when I didn't need drugs or alcohol to be social.. and now I still feel at times people scare me.. but once I warm up to you then I'll be okay.

    Making friends though.. that's the hardest part! I haven't had a friend in years because a lot of them were doing bad and they wanted me to go my separate way so I could better myself. A lot of them got killed either overdosed or shot.. and I've seen too many people die in front of me that I am almost afraid to get too close to anyone because I don't want anything bad to happen. I've realized I'm not in control all the time because shit happens in life.. but sometimes I do wish I had control of the ride.. instead of riding out the storm and hoping it goes smoothly.. I don't know. If you ever need to talk I'm all ears! My only friend at the moment is my girl.. and everyone on this forum! Wish I could meet all of you in person some day!
  2. titaniumhunter
    "All I can really do is do the best that I can with what I have to work with in this moment..." Amen. That is all we really can do, and all we should do. Be a friend to yourself and you will never be lonely in your aloneness, however this may be easier when you are indeed alone than when you are in social situations. But allowing friendships to form and even fall apart naturally as you say, I think is a good things and follows along with doing the best in the moment.
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