Oops. Continued from last post.
I think I can trust her most out of everyone. Be open with her more than anyone else. But there is always this questioning. She's an alcoholic. She's now (back) into drugs and she invited me along. That doesn't mean she's evil or bad. But at what point does it start to change a person?
It's easier to be honest with strangers over the Internet. Many won't be judgemental, at least so far in my experience here on df. And those who are judgemental well fuck them because you don't even know who they are and their opinion means nothing anyway.
Most people have friends and family at least. I'm weird because I have my parents only, no brothers or sisters, no cousins no grandparents etc I've never even known any other family besides mom and dad. I have met some family members like once when I was 8 but no lasting relationships. For some reason my parents haven't kept in touch either with any family.
I've never been good at making friends. If i meet someone and we hit it off and hang out, we'll hang out like maybe 3 times if im lucky before they flake out.
I suppose it could be something I could work on improving. Making and keeping friends. But I have little faith in people these days. Sometimes I blame myself and my social anxiety and my awkwardness. But also people have told me that I'm not as awkward as I think I am. Which I could see that happening. My perception of myself has always been too harsh, probably not super close to reality.
But when I recall back to the times in my life that I have tried to work on friendships and making friends that it has left me feeling broken hearted consistently.
The times that it happened naturally without trying were good times, even if over time and years we ended up losing touch. So I'd much rather it happen naturally if at all.
And if I'm meant to live a lonely life, perhaps that's just what's meant for me. I'd love to have a couple of close friends that I can tell absolutely anything to. But I don't. So I write. Either in my journal, or now, here.
If i had one wish that I would use to create a perfect friend (if i only had one wish is probably wish for money but hey lol) it would be someone who was always interested in my thoughts and who I was so comfortable with that I would never question that or feel the need to sensor myself. And vice versa. Someone who would always be honest with me and never feel they had to sensor. That's all I want. Someone always to listen. Always to be truthful. And you know what? I'd probably be happy too if that person was my wife. I don't need a wife and a best friend or friends but to have it all in one person would be perfect. If it was perfect, that person wouldn't even mind that they were my everything.
But alas, wishes aren't reality.
The things I see as horrible possibilities of my possible future aren't reality either though. And the truth is that there's no way to know what's going to happen.
All I can really do is do the best that I can with what I have to work with in this moment and every moment. Hope for the best. Try and plan as best I can for the future. And try to relax. I'm way too stressed out all the time.
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