What possessed me to do something so stupid? It wasn't peer pressure - nobody even knows, it wasn't a bad childhood - I had a childhood that most could only dream of, I wasn't traumatized - I've been blessed enough to live a life free of tragedy, It wasn't money problems - I always had what I needed, even at my ripe age my parents still give me all the money I could ever ask for while I look for a job, money which I could be having an awesome time with, eating out, drinking, taking girls out, buying myself something nice, but no, imstead I spend every cent on drugs, I lie to my mother, my loving and caring mother who just wants me to be happy, instead of going out I spend everyday alone, despite telling my mother I need a couple of bucks to go out with friends, when in actual fact I'm shooting up filthy fucken street heroin in a parking lot alone...
"Umm Squirrel I thought you said that the ahooting would be a one time thing to end your use on a high note? " .... oh yes that is right, I'm even lying to myself now too.
A fantastic mind, an A grade multi degree student, a logic machine, a completely unique thinker, a friendly and soft spoken person, who has turned himself into a dirty liar, alone and without respect or dignity, without pride, without my true self.
This has really gone on long enough, at this rate I will die, and I can't do that to my mother, besides I've just graduated and by some miracle landed my absolute dream job, for which I'm not even properly experienced, so yeah I really have it all and it's time for me to break free and bring my end of the deal with humanity and be a nice, respectable person, someone who does good in the world and makes a contribution, if even starting just with himself. Someone who I can be proud of.
I dont want to get into how I started with this nonsense, but basically it was a long time coming, something I specifically and in my sole capacity, deliberately sought out and started doing for reasons now unbeknownst to me, apart from just wanting to experience it once.
Well I did experience it, more than once, far more than once, I dread to work out exactly how long but lets just say a year of snorting and 2 months of shooting, the latter of which saw a 5 fold increase in use.
It's gone far enough, I've had my fun and the fun is all gone out of it now, all I'm left with is the guilt and the daily routine to which I have become so accustomed and attached it borders on the obsessive.
I'm going to throw away my one and only, once in a lifetime opportunity to live a happy, successful, independant life if I don't stop today, and as such I will start today - Saturday 19th September 2015, I will start being a good person, and I will start my path to a life without constant drug use, I don't mind the occassional cocaine line or joint or mdma or anything for that matter, but I do NOT want a daily dependce on heroin, feeling like I MUST take a drug everyday, I'm going to fuck my life up and it's like I realise it, then I go under water and a few months later I come up gasping for air thinking "holy shit I'm gonna die, how long have I been doing this shit??? " and then I go under again.
I'm so disappointed and ashamed of myself, I just wish I had experimented once and left it like I was planning to, instead of becoming isolated and consumed, the person I see the most my god damn Nigerian drug dealer, the smug, always on time, always giving credit, friendly, mothermucker.
God I have no one to blame but myself but I need to stop this NOW before I start my job at the beginning of October, not only is there the possibility of being tested, but it also requires a lot of brain power, and I do not intend on fucking this up.
I hope it hurts a lot, because I deserve it, I don't mind physical pain, I just pray that I can forgive myself and that the mental scarring doesn't run too deep to heal, I dread returning to my well of depression.
Today I change my attitude, I change my life.