It seems every day, I have a different outlook. Yesterday, determined to quit using.
Today, thinking its really not all that bad, I'm responsible, whats the problem? And today is an "off" day, meaning not using.
Usually my first off day is filled with either sleeping or looking.
I don't use to get high, that's what seems so weird to me. I don't really feel much when I smoke, other than more able to complete tasks, its an unfortunate side effect that I sometimes end up awake longer than I'd wish.
Logically I know if I am not 100% committed to quitting, I will likely be unsuccessful. So, I try to focus on the BAD effects of my use, though some days they are hard to find.
On the other hand, I don't always trust my own thought process, because it is coming from a drug addicted brain.
Maybe if I stop for a couple weeks, I could trust my thoughts more?
I grew up thinking that an altered consciousness was the preferred way of living one's life. At least, that's the perception I had, based on what I was seeing. I don't think I recognized that I was forming that perception, but looking back, I feel it must have been.
My conscious thoughts more often while growing up were things like "I'll never drink" "I'll never tell any kid of mine I hate them" 'I'll never smoke" "I'll never be fat like my mom"
Instead, I altered my own consciousness the first chance I got, with a cigarette at 12. Drink at 13.
So, is my inability to see the bad side of my meth use based on the perception that 'altered state is okay'?
I don't know. I'm just throwing my thoughts out there because I am having such trouble clarifying them.
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Why Can't I Commit?