Why Can't I Commit?

By sassyspy · Sep 11, 2011 · ·
  1. sassyspy
    It seems every day, I have a different outlook. Yesterday, determined to quit using.
    Today, thinking its really not all that bad, I'm responsible, whats the problem? And today is an "off" day, meaning not using.
    Usually my first off day is filled with either sleeping or looking.
    I don't use to get high, that's what seems so weird to me. I don't really feel much when I smoke, other than more able to complete tasks, its an unfortunate side effect that I sometimes end up awake longer than I'd wish.
    Logically I know if I am not 100% committed to quitting, I will likely be unsuccessful. So, I try to focus on the BAD effects of my use, though some days they are hard to find.
    On the other hand, I don't always trust my own thought process, because it is coming from a drug addicted brain.
    Maybe if I stop for a couple weeks, I could trust my thoughts more?

    I grew up thinking that an altered consciousness was the preferred way of living one's life. At least, that's the perception I had, based on what I was seeing. I don't think I recognized that I was forming that perception, but looking back, I feel it must have been.
    My conscious thoughts more often while growing up were things like "I'll never drink" "I'll never tell any kid of mine I hate them" 'I'll never smoke" "I'll never be fat like my mom"
    Instead, I altered my own consciousness the first chance I got, with a cigarette at 12. Drink at 13.
    So, is my inability to see the bad side of my meth use based on the perception that 'altered state is okay'?
    I don't know. I'm just throwing my thoughts out there because I am having such trouble clarifying them.

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  1. kmc.serenity24
    For most, the use of drugs and alcohol is a way of life. It starts out small and grows huge. It starts as something social, or a way to rebel, or an escape. No one ever thinks that they will become addicted and perceptions of life, the people in it, and thoughts about who we are become twisted and malformed a little bit at a time. The struggle to want to quit and then justifying the using with that thought "altered state is ok" is also a normal. Especially when life has not gotten too awfully terrible yet. Sooner or later the drugs/alcohol will win out and any semblance of life that is there will deteriorate into nothingness. I speak from experience with the same exact thoughts and feelings as you. When the fear of staying the same, becomes greater than the fear of change..... change happens. It is very hard to find a solution to a problem unless their is an admittance of a problem, and knowing what the problem is. The commitment part? It is extremely difficult to give up that "one thing" that has always been there to relieve the feelings of inadequacy. It's like giving up your best friend. Quitting is not just about quitting. It's about finding a new way to live a manageable, constructive, happy life, where one feels good about self without the use of chemicals. Talking about it and sharing is good, hiding feelings, not so much. Finding people who are just like you to help you would be a plus. I wish you all the best of luck in the world. Try to Remember also that ......Recovery is a journey it is not an event. =)
  2. msjaguarxj6
    I'm sorry you're having such a hard time Sassy. You seem like such a troubled, but wonderful loving soul! I'm sorry. I can't remember if your husband knows about your meth use? If he does know I hope that he is supportive and does everything he can to make it easy on you.

    I know what you mean about how you felt when you were younger.. That's exactly how I felt as well. Now that we're adults things are the way we didn't want them to be. At least they are for me for the most part. I can see through the muck though and maintain a sort of constant happiness even though I get brought down very often by my controlling boyfriend. Do you have any kids? I'm sure if you do, you're a wonderful and very loving mommy. :) Be well! xoxo
  3. sassyspy
    Thank you both so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate your feedback. :)
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