Why do I write this so freely, yet cannot speak about it?!

By DHCdiva · Apr 5, 2012 · ·
  1. DHCdiva
    It's stupid o clock in the morning, and yet again I can't sleep. I've had a visit from Heidi so I'm feeling nice and chilled and relatively pain free for the minute.

    Something happens to me at night that disturbs me, yet when I try to talk about it to my husband, he dismisses it as rubbish.

    At night, my husband always falls asleep before me - i have very bad insomnia, and my thoughts always without fail turn to how lucky I am to have him, and how frightened I am of him no longer being here.

    I silently cry, thinking that one day his side of the bed will be empty. I cannot comprehend how to explain myself.

    No matter what age we are when it happens, it will be terrible. I am so genuinely frightened of that day coming, because I know that one day it will happen.

    I have had a lot of deaths in my blood family, all by cancer or car accidents, no one in my blood family has lived past the age of 50. I have had many losses during pregnancies, from very early term to full term, and I have 3 much loved children - one of which was a twin, his brother was lost during the pregnancy.

    I never get panicky or hysterical about it, just the opposite, I am very calm when attempting to talk about it. I have tried to explain myself many times to my husband, becasue I wish I could make sense of it, but his answer is always "you can't let thought's like that happen". Well, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I don't do it on purpose. i dont spend my nights of insomnia thinking about death for amusement. It just pops up into my head as I'm trying to get to sleep and I can't get rid of it.

    I just wish he would take my worries seriously and not dismiss them as silly. I can't help having these thoughts, I don't ask for them, but not a day goes by where I don't worry about a member of my family dying.

    I just want him to understand that my worries are genuine. They are taking over my life and I want to enjoy the time I have with my family just for the simple things instead of the overwhelming thoughts of "enjoy these moments because they may be the last" .

    I hate the fact that the one thing I am frightened of is actually going to happen one day and there will be no warning. Nobody seems to understand how I feel, and nobody will take me seriously. I know it isn't right to think like this but i can't control it.

    I have no parents, there is more of my family dead than alive, and they have all died relatively early. The only people I have left of my blood family are my children, sister, 2 aunties and an Uncle.

    I am 33, and cannot imagine living the rest of my life with this nightly worry, but I cannot see how it will change, because it is something that actually IS going to happen at some point.

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  1. Joe-(5-HTP)
    perhaps the reason he thinks it's silly is that basically everything ends at one point, and you have to just enjoy the time you have while you have it

    perhaps also you're feeling bad for some other reason, or just overly affectionate? maybe you just need to have a nice cry and a hug,- there's nothing wrong with that, in fact it's great ! but if you allow yourself to start thinking that you are worrying for a reason then it starts to perpetuate and take root
  2. DHCdiva
    Thanks Joe.
    I sometimes think my husband dismisses it because as yet he has never encountered a death in his family - even his great grandparents are still living - therefore he doesn't understand the feelings?

  3. knightsmith
    I just sent you a PM, I cannot believe i'm not the only one with these fears.
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