It's stupid o clock in the morning, and yet again I can't sleep. I've had a visit from Heidi so I'm feeling nice and chilled and relatively pain free for the minute.
Something happens to me at night that disturbs me, yet when I try to talk about it to my husband, he dismisses it as rubbish.
At night, my husband always falls asleep before me - i have very bad insomnia, and my thoughts always without fail turn to how lucky I am to have him, and how frightened I am of him no longer being here.
I silently cry, thinking that one day his side of the bed will be empty. I cannot comprehend how to explain myself.
No matter what age we are when it happens, it will be terrible. I am so genuinely frightened of that day coming, because I know that one day it will happen.
I have had a lot of deaths in my blood family, all by cancer or car accidents, no one in my blood family has lived past the age of 50. I have had many losses during pregnancies, from very early term to full term, and I have 3 much loved children - one of which was a twin, his brother was lost during the pregnancy.
I never get panicky or hysterical about it, just the opposite, I am very calm when attempting to talk about it. I have tried to explain myself many times to my husband, becasue I wish I could make sense of it, but his answer is always "you can't let thought's like that happen". Well, I'm sorry, I can't help it. I don't do it on purpose. i dont spend my nights of insomnia thinking about death for amusement. It just pops up into my head as I'm trying to get to sleep and I can't get rid of it.
I just wish he would take my worries seriously and not dismiss them as silly. I can't help having these thoughts, I don't ask for them, but not a day goes by where I don't worry about a member of my family dying.
I just want him to understand that my worries are genuine. They are taking over my life and I want to enjoy the time I have with my family just for the simple things instead of the overwhelming thoughts of "enjoy these moments because they may be the last" .
I hate the fact that the one thing I am frightened of is actually going to happen one day and there will be no warning. Nobody seems to understand how I feel, and nobody will take me seriously. I know it isn't right to think like this but i can't control it.
I have no parents, there is more of my family dead than alive, and they have all died relatively early. The only people I have left of my blood family are my children, sister, 2 aunties and an Uncle.
I am 33, and cannot imagine living the rest of my life with this nightly worry, but I cannot see how it will change, because it is something that actually IS going to happen at some point.