Why I Used ~ No Bullshit

  1. ChronicPainisLegit
    The title of this blog comes from a question posed by MissSparkles. It is an excellent and very honest thread! After posting that the reason I used over time evolved but what it was under all the layers was truly a lack of self-esteem and feeling I was worthless. To this, the very astute MissSparkles pointed out that many things happen along the road to contribute to these feelings. Agreeing with her, hoping that it might help others related, I posted the following:

    Sparkle, You hit the nail on the head with so many things in this post. There are so many contributing factors. Rather than elaborating on them, I just put them in a list, they will be pretty self explanatory to the DF members. Contributing factors:

    ~All sides of my family (including step-parents) have more addicts than I care to count
    ~Both of my parents were addict/alcoholics and I was absolutely product of that environment
    ~My egg donor walked out on us when I was 8 and my dad was an alcoholic/addict, so I was the parent to my younger sister at 8
    ~We grew up in bars
    ~I was taught how to drive at 12 so I could drive us home when my dad was too drunk
    ~In order for me to think we could fool the outside world that my family was not totally fucked up, I became the super over achiever because that fooled everyone, not
    ~My step-mom did everything she could to drive a wedge between me and my dad
    ~When I was 14 my dad and 2 of his friends went to the ghetto of Detroit at 2am to score some coke, his buddy got in a fight with the guy the 19 year old who was slinging dope over $10. Well the dealer decided $10 was enough of a reason to open fire on the car and he hit my dad 4 times and he was DOA when they got him to the hospital
    ~Forced to go live with the egg donor, my step-dad was a raging alcoholic, a case a night 7 nights a week. So our house was the party spot for all his buddies
    ~Now I became the parent of my little brother as well because his parents were sleeping off a hangover or getting ready to party again
    ~By the time I finished putting myself through college I was pissed that I never had an adult in my life feel I was important enough to have an adult I could depend on
    Alcohol and weed were already a staple in my life so when the cocaine, crack and meth entered my life I was so sick of being the only one that always had to be in control that I totally went into self-destruction mode and given that I never half-assed anything in my life, I was balls to the wall out of the gate

    I think we all know what happens after that... Happy to say that crack, coke and meth have not been a part of my life for 7 years, alcohol not in my life for almost 3 years. I am far from a saint. I have to take pain medications for multiple health reasons. I struggle to take them as prescribed and I am not always successful. I know I still struggle because self-esteem and depression. I always knew what I was doing and why even with a crack pipe in my mouth. I did not wake-up one day and wonder how I got where I was, I knew where I was going with every hit and every line.

    The cycle of addiction in families is totally fucked! My families history of addiction and depression is the reason I chose not to have children. I could not bare the thought of having a child and continuing the cycle (this might be hard for some to understand but it was the only choice for me).

    Sorry for such a long post but as Sparkle said so well, how we get to the point of feeling like we are worthless is a very, very long bumpy road!!! This is such awesome thread, everyone has been so honest!

    Since the original post the following are other contributing factors that I know played a role in how I felt about myself:
    ~severe emotional abuse by varying family members
    ~the egg donor played extreme favorites with her 3 children. My sister and brother would switch on and off as the favorite, I never was the favorite at ANY time!
    ~the egg donor would "pit" me and my siblings against each other and caused us to ALMOST not have a relationship with each other, until we caught on that she was the problem!
    ~having relatives discount your contribution to extremely difficult family times

    I am sure I could probably make this list go on forever. These are not things I carry with me today. I protect myself and stay clean by keeping toxic people out of my life. That means a lot of my family are no longer a part of my life (sadly but if it is what it takes to keep me clean, that is the most important thing!).

    Read more: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202749&page=8#ixzz2uvRjbKb2

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  1. SublimeTrip
    I am so sorry to hear about your past. You went through a whole lot of shit that you DEFINITELY didn't deserve. No one deserves to be treated like that, especially a child. I gotta be honest... While reading it I could feel the emotion in it almost as if I was hearing it from your mouth directly. It kind of made me think about my childhood at some parts because I had a really shitty one as well. It sounds like you definitely had it much, much, worse than I did though.

    There were some very similar problems around my house when I was a kid. My Father was a
    mean, miserable, drunk son of a bitch. I mean, just a straight-up piece of shit who nobody in the right mind would wanna be around or even walk by on the street unless they had no choice(like if there were too many cars and they were unable to cross to the other side). And I'm not exaggerating about that either. He would yell at people and try to pick fights with strangers in the grocery store for "looking at him the wrong way".

    Now, the people that avoided him when we went ANYWHERE just had to quickly dodge by him and they would go on their merry way, probably thinking to themselves, "I'm glad I didn't have to get too close to that psycho".

    However, unfortunately for the 3 or 4 year-old SublimeTrip, I had to continue on with the lunatic for the rest of the wonderful outing that was oh, so much fun. And after that I had the marvelous privilege of going home with him where the "real party" would start. I could go on forever about the kind of shit he did to me but it's just kind of like nauseating to think about. I just try my best to forget about it. But I know that's a joke because I don't think the pain, the torment, and most importantly, the crippling effect that living with that asshole had on my mental health. When it comes to how I feel about myself, he destroyed my ability to ever be happy with myself or think I'm good enough at anything. Self-esteem? Self respect? Confidence? I honestly don't think I had a chance in hell of ever strengthening those kind of feelings. I remember truly believing at no more than 5 years old that I was no good, that something was wrong with me and I would never be normal(I heard it every day so naturally a little kid is going to believe it.) Even when I got older and realized it wasn't true, it didn't matter. Deep down I still feel the same way.

    Now I don't wanna seem like I blame my Dad for everything. I have myself to blame for the mistakes I have made in life. But I can tell you that I lived sad, depressed, and felt like I was worthless my entire life. A child can't just shrug things off when something happens like adults can. It can really traumatize them. I know I was.

    As I said before, I grew up totally depressed and unhappy. But one day I tried smoking some pot. I thought it was the greatest thing in the world and for the first time ever, I didn't feel so shitty. I had found something that made me feel better. Just like the same stories you hear all the time about drugs, I went bigger and bigger. I began trying this, trying that, whatever. Each drug more dangerous than the next. But I didn't care. Being high was great help for me when it came to coping with the angry, piss-drunk monster that lived in my house who I unfortunately knew as my "Father".

    Eventually I made my way down the path to Heroin when I was 15 and my life has consisted of syringes and dope ever since. Now I don't blame that on anyone but myself. My Dad didn't put the needle in my arm. But I do feel that if I had a loving Father growing up, or hell, even a shitty Father that was non-violent and at least coherent once in a while, I think I would have had better odds of being successful and becoming something worthwhile. Something other than a junkie.

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