The title of this blog comes from a question posed by MissSparkles. It is an excellent and very honest thread! After posting that the reason I used over time evolved but what it was under all the layers was truly a lack of self-esteem and feeling I was worthless. To this, the very astute MissSparkles pointed out that many things happen along the road to contribute to these feelings. Agreeing with her, hoping that it might help others related, I posted the following:
Sparkle, You hit the nail on the head with so many things in this post. There are so many contributing factors. Rather than elaborating on them, I just put them in a list, they will be pretty self explanatory to the DF members. Contributing factors:
~All sides of my family (including step-parents) have more addicts than I care to count
~Both of my parents were addict/alcoholics and I was absolutely product of that environment
~My egg donor walked out on us when I was 8 and my dad was an alcoholic/addict, so I was the parent to my younger sister at 8
~We grew up in bars
~I was taught how to drive at 12 so I could drive us home when my dad was too drunk
~In order for me to think we could fool the outside world that my family was not totally fucked up, I became the super over achiever because that fooled everyone, not
~My step-mom did everything she could to drive a wedge between me and my dad
~When I was 14 my dad and 2 of his friends went to the ghetto of Detroit at 2am to score some coke, his buddy got in a fight with the guy the 19 year old who was slinging dope over $10. Well the dealer decided $10 was enough of a reason to open fire on the car and he hit my dad 4 times and he was DOA when they got him to the hospital
~Forced to go live with the egg donor, my step-dad was a raging alcoholic, a case a night 7 nights a week. So our house was the party spot for all his buddies
~Now I became the parent of my little brother as well because his parents were sleeping off a hangover or getting ready to party again
~By the time I finished putting myself through college I was pissed that I never had an adult in my life feel I was important enough to have an adult I could depend on
Alcohol and weed were already a staple in my life so when the cocaine, crack and meth entered my life I was so sick of being the only one that always had to be in control that I totally went into self-destruction mode and given that I never half-assed anything in my life, I was balls to the wall out of the gate
I think we all know what happens after that... Happy to say that crack, coke and meth have not been a part of my life for 7 years, alcohol not in my life for almost 3 years. I am far from a saint. I have to take pain medications for multiple health reasons. I struggle to take them as prescribed and I am not always successful. I know I still struggle because self-esteem and depression. I always knew what I was doing and why even with a crack pipe in my mouth. I did not wake-up one day and wonder how I got where I was, I knew where I was going with every hit and every line.
The cycle of addiction in families is totally fucked! My families history of addiction and depression is the reason I chose not to have children. I could not bare the thought of having a child and continuing the cycle (this might be hard for some to understand but it was the only choice for me).
Sorry for such a long post but as Sparkle said so well, how we get to the point of feeling like we are worthless is a very, very long bumpy road!!! This is such awesome thread, everyone has been so honest!
Since the original post the following are other contributing factors that I know played a role in how I felt about myself:
~severe emotional abuse by varying family members
~the egg donor played extreme favorites with her 3 children. My sister and brother would switch on and off as the favorite, I never was the favorite at ANY time!
~the egg donor would "pit" me and my siblings against each other and caused us to ALMOST not have a relationship with each other, until we caught on that she was the problem!
~having relatives discount your contribution to extremely difficult family times
I am sure I could probably make this list go on forever. These are not things I carry with me today. I protect myself and stay clean by keeping toxic people out of my life. That means a lot of my family are no longer a part of my life (sadly but if it is what it takes to keep me clean, that is the most important thing!).
Read more: http://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showthread.php?t=202749&page=8#ixzz2uvRjbKb2