1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he had found a dead cat.
"How do you know it was dead?" she asked.
The boy said "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"
"YOU DID WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in shock.
"You know" said the boy, "I leaned over and went "pssst" and it didn't move!
2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over for a minute and replied, "Well, I'll just run in and out of the door until Saint Peter says, "For Heaven's sake Dylan, either come in or stay out!"
3. One summer evening during an intense thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother gave him a reassuring hug and smiled, saying "I can't dear. I have to sleep in daddy's room."
A long silence was finally broken by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."
4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward.
One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"
The girl leaned over and replied directly into the ministers microphone, "Yes, and my momma says it's a bitch to iron!"
5. When my wife was 6 months pregnant with our third child, the next in line came into the room just as she was getting into the shower.
She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"
My wife replied, "Yes honey. Remember, mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."
"I know", said my daughter. "But what is growing in your butt?"
6. A little boy was doing his math homework. He was saying to himself, "Two plus five.....that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six.....that son of a bitch is nine....."
His mother heard him and gasped "What are you doing?"
The little boy replied, "I'm just doing my math homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher said to do it?" she asked
"Yes", he answered.
The next day, the mother stormed into the math teachers room and demanded, "What are you teaching my child in here?"
"Well, right now we are doing addition." the teacher replied
The Mother says, "and you are teaching them to say "two plus two.....that son of a bitch is four?"
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "No, what I taught them was, "two plus two.....THE SUM OF WHICH IS FOUR!"
7. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."
Her mother told her that this was wrong, and that she should say "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."
When she got to her first day of Sunday School, the teacher smiled at her and said, "Arn't you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"
She replied, I thought I was, but my mom says I'm not!"
8. A little girl asks her mom, "can I go outside and play with the boys?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, you can't play with the boys, they are too rough."
The little girl thought about it for a minute and then said, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"
9. A little girl goes with her dad to the barber shop. She stands next to the barbers chair and eats a snack cake while she is waiting for her father to get his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know", she replies. "And I'm gonna get boobs, too!!"