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  1. Mick Mouse
    1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher that he had found a dead cat.

    "How do you know it was dead?" she asked.

    The boy said "I pissed in its ear and it didn't move"

    "YOU DID WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in shock.

    "You know" said the boy, "I leaned over and went "pssst" and it didn't move!

    2. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

    The boy thought it over for a minute and replied, "Well, I'll just run in and out of the door until Saint Peter says, "For Heaven's sake Dylan, either come in or stay out!"

    3. One summer evening during an intense thunderstorm, a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

    The mother gave him a reassuring hug and smiled, saying "I can't dear. I have to sleep in daddy's room."

    A long silence was finally broken by his shaky little voice, "The big sissy."

    4. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon, and all the children were invited to come forward.

    One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?"

    The girl leaned over and replied directly into the ministers microphone, "Yes, and my momma says it's a bitch to iron!"

    5. When my wife was 6 months pregnant with our third child, the next in line came into the room just as she was getting into the shower.

    She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!"

    My wife replied, "Yes honey. Remember, mommy has a baby growing in her tummy."

    "I know", said my daughter. "But what is growing in your butt?"

    6. A little boy was doing his math homework. He was saying to himself, "Two plus five.....that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six.....that son of a bitch is nine....."

    His mother heard him and gasped "What are you doing?"

    The little boy replied, "I'm just doing my math homework, Mom."

    "And this is how your teacher said to do it?" she asked

    "Yes", he answered.

    The next day, the mother stormed into the math teachers room and demanded, "What are you teaching my child in here?"

    "Well, right now we are doing addition." the teacher replied

    The Mother says, "and you are teaching them to say "two plus two.....that son of a bitch is four?"

    After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "No, what I taught them was, "two plus two.....THE SUM OF WHICH IS FOUR!"

    7. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter."

    Her mother told her that this was wrong, and that she should say "I'm Jane Sugarbrown."

    When she got to her first day of Sunday School, the teacher smiled at her and said, "Arn't you Mr. Sugarbrowns daughter?"

    She replied, I thought I was, but my mom says I'm not!"

    8. A little girl asks her mom, "can I go outside and play with the boys?"

    Her mother replied, "No dear, you can't play with the boys, they are too rough."

    The little girl thought about it for a minute and then said, "If I find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

    9. A little girl goes with her dad to the barber shop. She stands next to the barbers chair and eats a snack cake while she is waiting for her father to get his hair cut. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."

    "I know", she replies. "And I'm gonna get boobs, too!!"

Comments

  1. Alien Sex Fiend
    I hate kids. I will never make kids. There are to me like grandparents with delusional dementia. And I have 3 of those already. Besides my energy levels can't keep up
  2. Mick Mouse
    I am so sorry that you feel that way! While the little ankle-biters can be a huge pain in the ass at times, my kids ended up being the joy of my life.....they are where I can correct all of the mistakes I had made in the past, by teaching them about those mistakes and how they occured. This helps them, as they have an obvious example right in front of them, and it helps me by getting all of that ugliness out into the light and out of my life for good.

    Also, it is my personal opinion that they are the future of our race. As such, it is incumbent upon us to make sure they don't fuck up as bad as we did. And the only way to do that is to teach the little bastards.

    Besides, kids keep you young, on your toes, and ready for anything. Who doesn't want that?
  3. Beenthere2Hippie
    I loved this, K. Very funny and sweet. Kids are the best. They can drive you bhonkers, no matter what age, but what an honor to love and nurture another human being from the moment of conception on. Mind-bending. Hope all is well. -B
  4. Alien Sex Fiend
    I guess I should elaborate. I dislike kids because I was a spoiled kid and I don't want to see my kids like that. Besides I have other reasons... over-population, kids only good for economy, kids cost more than anything. I don't hate kids. I wouldn't want to have kids myself at all, and I find it tiresome being around kids. That's better :vibes:
  5. Mick Mouse
    And that is good enough for me! I know many people who have similar attitudes, and I can respect that. But also, kids are a way of ensuring that YOU will comtinue, even after your death. Your ethics, values, thoughts, hopes, dreams and fears.....they all live on within your children.

    And after reading your thoughts, I have to say that the first reason you give for not liking kids is exactly the reason I DO like them. Over-population in first-world countries has been on the decrease because those countries are at or below the "replacement rate" (see Japan and China and most of Europe), so over-all, overpopulation is slowing.

    I'm not sure what you mean about kids and the economy, but raising a child from birth to adulthood will cost the same as a decent car. Of course, this also depends on what one means by "decent", I guess. It is only when they hit college that the expenses start to go up dramatically. At least in my experience, and I have 4 kids, 3 of which are over 18 and 2 of which still live at home.

    And that is not even counting all of the intangible benefits. "get me a beer", "Go cut the grass", "go wash the car", "clean this damn pigsty up!" lol!
  6. Alien Sex Fiend
    What I meant that single people get married, buy a house with a mortgage, make kids, kids require many supplies... its all taxes to the government. Compare to a single person just living alone, eating out and paying rent in cash. I don't want to leave somebody who resembles me behind genetically for I think my genes are not so good. I have little interest of continuing my family tree because I lost contact with most of my family which has other candidates to fill parental position. Im in this situation. After my much elderly grandparents who are half here (dementia in 3 out of 4) gone, I will be left with mom and anti-social brother. Unless I somehow introduce myself to future cousin's kids. I'm not a marrying kind, I ve tried long term sexual relationships that could lead to and instead I picked up an addictions to deal with stress and lost everything to the point of homelessness. It took years, I still haven't recovered financially and I'm not willing to try that again
  7. Mick Mouse
    I feel sorry for you, my friend. And I do NOT mean that in a patronizing or negative way! I married my best friend, she had two kids from a previous marriage and we have two-23, 27, 18, and 17. But when I was single, I was a ruthless, vicious, manipulative bastard, as well as a drug addict. I hurt people for fun and profit. My genetics are good, it was just me that was a living and breathing asshole. But when I met her, it was as if the scales fell away from my eyes. And now?

    We own our own home and it will be passed down to one of the kids. I have a new car, and older car, and I just bought a jeep for our youngest daughter. Our oldest daughter and our son have their own families now, and we have 4 grand-kids and 1 more on the way. I have guns, computers, and all the "toys" you could ever want, I don't work anymore, and still bring in well over 5 grand a month. I have (at last count) 2 Bachelor degrees and around 6 Associate degrees, we own our own business, and I can do just about whatever I want to these days. I am considered a success, by most standards.

    Not bad for a guy who lost his first marriage and family because of drugs, spent at least 25% of his life in prison, and was considered a complete and utter failure in the town he grew up in. Who was also homeless a few times. Who was hungry quite a bit. Who was the fucking king of damaged relationships and broken hearts. But it wasn't me that changed. It was family that changed me.

    I use the analogy of a wolf pack. We are not a "family", we are a pack. Including the remaining parents, we number 13 (14 in 6 months). We look after our own, against all comers, be them individuals or societies. And we will hamstring your ass, if you raise your hand against us. Right before we go for the throat. But pack looks after its own, it protects the young and the elderly of the pack. The wolf is the heart of the pack and the pack is the heart of the wolf.

    You sound so lonely. Being alone is one of my greatest fears No body to share your triumphs and defeats, your love and affection, your hopes, dreams, and fears. No pack. If you ever want to talk further......
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