Where to begin. I just read my last post, and I suppose maybe I should start there. When I returned home from treatment, the first week I couldn't take it and started back on the pills. But by the end of the week I threw them out and started over. My second week I ran into someone I had met in treatment when I went for a doctors appointment. The next day this guy I met in treatment, we will call him "Bill", stopped by. He is an alcoholic, and he had been drinking. Well, I'm sure you all know where this is going..... Yeah so we started dating, and I started drinking, and things got out of control very quick. After a week of being together, we took a trip to South Dakota to see someone else we knew from treatment. She's llike my adopted daughter in a way, she's 2 months ahead of me in recovery, so I look to her a lot to see what's next. I guess that's when I realized things weren't right.
But that didn't stop me, cause I was "In Love", drinking on almost a daily basis, from the time I got up to the time I went to bed. I found the only way I could deal with his drinking was by drinking myself. Everything I had learned in treatment had been thrown out the window. I no longer was doing my daily meditation, or readings, or meetings. I stopped participating in not only my drug/alcohol recovery but my mental health recovery. I felt myself slipping away rather quickly. I just felt I couldn't function anymore. Not to mention, by the end of August I was out of every type of controlled substance that was ever subscribed to me. No more Lortab, or Clonazepam. All I had was Hydroxizine for anxiety and flexeril for my back pain. Some days the withdraws would be so bad I couldn't function, so I drank more. I stopped taking methotrexate because of the bruising from drinking and taking it, and I got sick. My health still isn't 100% quite yet.
But my problem is, I have been on amphetamines, legal, prescribed, not prescribed, and illegal, that how do I function without them. I had cut my seroquel down to half of what I was taking, and then they put me on another anti-psychotic, Risperidal, twice a day for the panic attacks. That sure doesn't help with the motivation facotor. By this point I'm trying everything I can think of, from snorting Sudafed (yeah I know lol desperate measures) to drinking every type of energy drink I can think of. And then of course Flossy The Cow (remember my drug addicted Cow) decides she is going to get online, yeah I know the damn cow has internet access, and prints off directions to make meth. Can you believe that stupid Cow!!!! She is even trying to buy Ritalin from an online pharmacy (Thank goodness they don't do large animal prescriptions, only human). Anyway, nothing really motivates me and I'm gaining wieght. Hell I'm even snorting risperidal, trying anyway to find that numbing feeling I had before.... cause who wants to deal with those, I certainly don't, I've worked so hard at avoiding the word "feeling".
Bill and his drinking was starting to frustrate me, I couldn't deal unless I was drinking, then I was drinking just to try to get that inital numb feeling. I have come to the point where I'm almost scared of him. His yelling at me, his jealousy, his... almost but not quite violent side of him. I'm not saying he ever hit me, but there were times he would "hold" me so hard I couldn't get up, no matter what I did. It would leave bruises, but according to him he did nothing wrong, and everytime we fought, there would never be an apology. I'm begining to feel, that this isn't love, and everything is more centered around him needing a place to stay, and what he needs and wants. Finally everything comes crashing down. I got sick, the flu, a cold, something like that. I felt like someone had kicked me in the head. I couldn't function, and I had to stop drinking. After 4 days of being sick, back on prednisone, and starting antibiotics I still couldn't get it together.
One day Bill got up and started drinking, I lost it. That was it, of all of our fights, this one, well I had let a lot of things build up, and I let it all come out. And then I crashed hard!!!! Physically and mentally. That night things just go out of control in my head, and all I wanted to do was resort back to the basics of dealing with life... take a bottle of pills and go to sleep... hoping I don't wake up.
Hate to stop there.... but ... I need a break....