- PART ONE -
This tale is a warning, about a vice and its woe,
Of the lesson I learnt, and the ones yet to know.
See, the end is unwritten, might be my final farewell,
To the good and the bad, to the heaven and hell.
But the tale should be told, and so I’ll commence,
I’ll be open and honest and try not cause offence.
The whole story started less than eighteen months ago,
With me overweight, out-of-shape and my self-esteem low.
I was awkward and sad but was so sick of my lot,
I’d work out to get thin; it was no novel plot.
But this time I did it. Lost the kilos: twenty-three,
An aesthetic success! But a shock lay waiting for me.
What I discovered to my horror, when the fat had all gone,
It wasn’t why I’d been unhappy, I’d been mistaken all along.
When you can’t blame the depression on the layers of fat.
Scapegoat’s gone, veil’s been lifted – now its time to face facts.
I had hated myself. For which, there’s no easy cure.
But I'd never have guessed what I was about to endure.
- PART TWO -
My grim realisation was not as clear as it is now
It’s taken time and reflection to solve the why and how
So superficial I was that the weight-loss pleased me,
My new body confidence brought me much glee.
It took a short step in learning that when building your self-worth up,
Needn't do it yourself, if others will do it - you're in luck.
The more notches you make, the more of them like you,
Each stamp of approval means you’re worth something too.
But this trick doesn’t work, it’s short shrift at best,
Such validation’s unstable and needs constant redress
All that matters in this system is that they want you,
No connection required, don't need your desire too.
Soon I became an object, a thing merely of which you approve,
Such validation is addictive, not before long it consumes you.
This game is never over, the self-worth is never won,
For approval this fleeting, this shallow has soon gone.
Your entire self-worth crashes right down to the ground,
By one mild-mannered rejection, a snide comment or frown.
It soon left me quite hollow, couldn’t have liked myself less,
How could finding some comfort possibly worsen this mess?
But hand in hand with this issue - there's a darker reveal,
A vice with such danger, it barely seems real.
- PART THREE -
I sought solace in drugs, to liven my day,
It didn’t take long ‘til my life went astray.
In order to find out how this all came to be,
I’ll need you to understand 'her' grip over me.
So allow me to introduce a few "friends" of mine
If you greet them but once, then you’ll find them divine.
There’s Mandy and Katie, and the one just called "G",
And last but not least, is Tina you see.
The last one of these has a much darker side,
Deep down she’s evil, she'll eat you alive.
Or better yet still, she'll have you do it yourself,
You'll follow her whispers, and you’ll ruin your health.
At first you'll be fine and you'll tell yourself so,
But Tina works quickly, there's not long to go.
You’ll chomp and you’ll chew, you’ll pick and you’ll scratch
You’ll end up a shell, that’s Tina’s one catch.
Other than that she’s perfectly fine,
You’ll fall apart slowly, one piece at a time.
And then there’s the psychosis - well that’s just a treat,
When the shadows start watching you walk down the street.
I swear that that singer is writing songs about me,
Wait, what’s that you’re hiding? Don’t lie, I can see!
Still, there’s nothing quite like puffing clouds all the time,
Till five days, no sleep and I’m still writing in rhyme.
Haven’t eaten for days, the fat’s no problem now,
My ribs start protruding, face looks gaunt but wait, how?
I had the whole thing in hand, it was just once a week,
There’s just one final shard left, I can't help but freak
The story gets worse, believe you and me,
When Tina’s got hold there’s no getting free
The minute you try to stop smoking shard,
Full depression sets in and you crash way too hard.
If she can’t get you using then coming off it, she will,
"All the pain will soon stop" T whispers, "if you'd just pop that pill"
But the downers don’t work, Tina makes sure that’s a fact,
She’s not done with you yet, she'll first get you the sack.
You’ve got no money now, so you start helping her out,
You start selling her round ‘cause your fix was in doubt.
But look what you've done! You’ve passed her along,
You know what will happen and know full well it’s wrong.
And this was my fate, and so you will see,
There isn’t much left of a discernible me.
It’s too late for me now, too much of me's gone.
Nobody’s left here to save, if there ever was one.
But Wait! Hold up! Hang on just a sec…
It isn’t quite over, that bitch hasn't won yet.
I had forgotten that feeling, that desire to fight back,
The anger inside that builds you up to attack.
I’m starting to remember someone I used to be,
I was weak but tenacious; few others best me.
My resources are depleted and psychosis set in,
It’s hard to stay sane when your mind's wearing thin.
It’s important that I know I'm not beaten yet,
Got some tricks up my sleeve, that bitch won't ever forget.
[PARTS FOUR and FIVE...and EPILOGUE) along soon
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You, I or She: A Tale of Five (Parts)