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We accept the love we think we deserve (Thinking about addiction once more)

Posted 17-04-2015 at 12:50 by LittleBabyNothing (Something about nothing.)

Recently I have thought about it a lot. Especially after one conversation with my significant other when he confessed that there was a point when he thought that if I do not change after coming out of hospital,maybe it is time to end our relationship, no matter how much he loved me. But I changed and we are still togeather.That time I thought that I am harming only myself, I just could not accept that someone else cares of me and worries about me as well. Now I think I have been very egoistical and I guess it must have taken much to love me in my period of addiction, because I was constantly somewhere on the borderline of life and death,trying to commit a suicide, OD`ing, representing antisocial behaviour etc.I just did not care how much I hurted others.
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Sweet subtle Ms Tina

Posted 16-04-2015 at 10:05 by FrYingRyan

An elegant mistress that sweeps in, taking over. The whole time letting you think your the man in the relationship.
Before you know it, her elegance has left.
She's going on, to subdue another, and your left down the hole that you and her created..
It's only for you though.
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Some random thoughts about addiction....

Posted 04-04-2015 at 14:34 by JonnyBGoode
Updated 04-04-2015 at 15:00 by JonnyBGoode

One of the hardest things about coming off any drug is settling back into 'normality' which is like a scary and dark place for most of us addicts. 'Normality' is the thing that we're scared of, the fear of the present is the most typical thing that causes me to go back to drugs. It's ok for a week or maybe even two, but then it starts become intolerable, everything just slows down to a snails pace. Days take forever, a week feels like a month and a month feels like a year. After coming off opiates, a long and drawn out depression set in like a rot, it's like mourning a loss in some ways, you feel powerless to stop the feelings of grief and sadness and you're angry with yourself for not doing something about it sooner and letting it take such a hold over you that you've got this bad.

But feeling sorry for yourself doesn't help,...
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Some translated old poems of mine

Posted 21-03-2015 at 13:45 by LittleBabyNothing (Something about nothing.)

Endless summer

The fragile whiteness
of bitter snowflake
is waving in
the top of the throat
like a firefly
in the whirlwind
in black ribbed
jungles of citty.

And death has been
left behind in opera
dressed in dirty
laced underwear.

When it`s the endless summer,
snowflake clouds
just leave you
dissapointed.

Because the first snow
is never coming back again.

Never.

And death in opera is bored.


War
Turn up my ground
with citties of
your skyscrapes

so that forever staying wounds
get swollen
like mouth of beasts
when jumping for food.

And we will fly
to the...
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Thoughts about years of addiction.

Posted 21-03-2015 at 11:59 by LittleBabyNothing (Something about nothing.)

Today is a strange day.I do not feel like being in myown skin, or being there too deep.It`s cold,gray and snowy outside, just like city would have swallowed its colours.

And,according to my recent inner feelings, I guess,my good old friend Manic Depression has come to talk to me again.But I hope that it`s just a feeling.

Anyway, this was not what I wanted to write about.I wanted to write about changes I have noticed when reading my first posts written few years ago when I was in full blown addiction.It is strange to read them- like it has been a totally different person writing these. During the time I have been clean,I guess,my values have changed a lot and I have learned how to fight with my inner problems without selfmedication.But,in the same time, this little animal in the stomack is allways there.This time...
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mehhh

Posted 19-03-2015 at 16:18 by LittleBabyNothing (Something about nothing.)

I am not sure what to write about today.
My first blog here.

Shiny and nice day/evening outside, but I feel so tired like a truck would have run over me.

Started to organise my husbands anniversary suprise. Hope that he will be as suprised as I am excited- I am planning to take him to some KGB style spy attractions.
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Getting addicted to opiates full time..

Posted 17-03-2015 at 22:30 by JonnyBGoode
Updated 18-03-2015 at 18:14 by Phenoxide (price discussion removed)

After I received that first packet of Oxy's everything changed pretty rapidly. They were a step up from the other pain killers I had been taking in terms of strength and the euphoria was incredible, it allowed me to be really confident again and go out to clubs even dancing for hours again like if I had been taking ecstasy still. If you crush up Oxycontin, and snort it, you get the effects instantly and it hits you harder, I had started swallowing one then carrying others crushed up into a powder in a bag with me, I just snorted in pub toilets like people take cocaine but it was opiates for me. I loved it so much I just didn't care about anything else, I budgeted all my monthly outgoings around ordering a big parcel from Mexico or Serbia or wherever I could get them sent from dodgy online pharmacies.

It was around the initial...
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Jumped

Posted 02-03-2015 at 01:36 by Cash.Nexus
Tags heroin

The curry wasn't too hot and the view was great. My hostess pointed over rooftops at a quartet of tower blocks. Is that the notorious housing estate? No, it's the other one. I was attacked there, late 90s. Those were the days! Ripping another piece of naan bread, I recalled a day from dark times.

Seventh floor, returning with a couple cats from copping eighths off their hook. A figure came out a stairwell door and head-butted me. Hey, if you're gonna cop smack in North Glasgow, you gotta get Kissed.* Goes with the territory, man.

My nose bridge crunched, then dude grappled me. He gripped a small blade-thing so I grasped that wrist to restrain a stab. My free hand, fisted round an eighth, braced his collarbone. The connections went in their flat looking sad. The guy was their estranged cousin.
...
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Old

education system failure, college dropouts, and drug use.

Posted 26-02-2015 at 04:29 by Scloud90
Updated 26-02-2015 at 04:42 by Scloud90

People tend to continue to pursue things that increase their sense of reward and a lot of the way your brain processes decision making will tend to do things that activate the reward pathways.


Being in college and learning a bunch of stuff that you don't care about, because of some goal you have that you want to get from college that activates your reward system may cause you to lose enthusiasm.

A long drawn out process that provides some goal not worth the negative reinforcement of certain things required to learn that the system deems necessary in order to gain some certification or goal are often counterintuitive to human behavior.

You can learn how to become successful based on understanding the brain and your reward pathways to influence your decision making. However my brain is already...
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There Are No Losers.....Only Those Who Quit Trying

Posted 23-02-2015 at 14:48 by St Dismas Novitiate (The Frying Pan-Things Always Get Hot In Here!)
Updated 17-03-2015 at 14:08 by St Dismas Novitiate

It is not the critic who counts;

The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena,

Who strives valiantly;

Who errs, who falls short again and again;

Who has known great enthusiasms;

Who spend himself in a worthy cause;

Who, at the best, knows in the end

The triumph of high achievement,

And who, at the worst, knows

If he fails, at least he fails

While daring greatly.


Anonymous


The war between Light and Darkness is not fought
with the clash of great armies
or with the mighty force of arms.

It is contested one life at a time.

For no matter how many are turned toward the Dark,
No matter how many become corrupt,
the Darkness...
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psychoanalysis determining truth behind the BS

Posted 22-02-2015 at 15:17 by Scloud90

In examining various psychoanalytical theories, and psychoanalysis itself, ive come to the conclusion that competing theories can be true, but logical deduction/inference can determine that amount of validity to their frameworks. As long as not mutually exclusive many different psychoanalytical theories about various topics can be true despite seemingly conflictive.

It is easier to examine the unconscious mind with higher empathy levels and a combined level of curiosity for truth.

This leads to interest in a pursuit of psychoanalysis, but ultimately regresses in a form of projection making the psychoanalyst fixated on their own forms of development or pattern of their unconscious mind.

This leads to a progression of theories and connections of belief, formed to their own understanding of development....
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(Drug Articles/Using logic and determining fallacious thinking.

Posted 22-02-2015 at 00:41 by Scloud90
Updated 22-02-2015 at 02:17 by Scloud90

In todays world of research we find links/connections with a lot of different things, some are recorded in scientific journals or articles etc. regardless of whether the link is significant in causation.

Its important to understand how to identify the purpose of an article or a scientific document in order to properly comment or discuss it. Immediate dismissal of research, assuming the purpose is to indicate a conclusion due to a link for example is inappropriate. Identifying purpose in a study also prevents red herrings which allows progress in maintaining a philosophy of gaining as many true beliefs and as few false ones as possible. A red herring might result in dismissing an entire article due to fixation on irrelevant points or having a concern with something that is unrelated to the conclusion. The article might not...
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How to act in public while you are on meth- opinion

Posted 21-02-2015 at 11:18 by TashunaStar

Quote:
Originally Posted by derpahderp View Post
You do realize #10 in my list was paying homage to your good tips right? have a good one girl-




Excellent point! I wish I would have read this months ago. Before I got pulled over looking extremely drousy eyed and with a complete cotton mouth to say the least. First off I kept driving after the cop turnt his lights on, just could not quickly make the decision where would be the best place to pull over and stop. I rambled through tons of things in my purse, tons of paper in my glub department and everywhere else (meanwhile the insurance card was in a spot alone that I'd previously stored it for easy, quick access). Long story short I got a insurance ticket anyway, because the cop ran out of patience with me. Then I burst in tears when he handed it to me. I sat there and cried in my car for...
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3 addictions at once. The pain of Poly-substance addiction

Posted 19-02-2015 at 00:57 by Scloud90

Ok right now im feeling a little out of whack, like shit isnt working right. been battling alcohol and meth abuse of course and together with a recent addition of xanax since I have a ton of the 2mg white bars.

I havent done much meth recently probably 2 hits from the bowl....but idk how much I did before I passed out this morning at anywhere arounf 6 or 7 am something like that....Passed out in my chair right before I was about to hit the pipe I think so I never got around to it, was in midpost, before I fell asleep I did sleep the night before but that was only 8-10 hours of sleep after 3 or more days of being awake.

I started to see dead skin covering the entire bottom half of my body, which was a hallucination. I knew I didnt want to pick at it, but I thought theres no way this can be real so I tried to...
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The Law finally caught up to me

Posted 17-02-2015 at 04:47 by Scloud90

Exactly a month ago January 16 I got pulled over. At the time I was so addicted to alcohol I would have to drink till I went unconscious, however when I went to try the sobriety test not only was I cold as fuck shivering I wasnt drunk enought to do the test lol.I refused it and just got breathalyzed and blew a .15 I knew it was going to go up and when I took the chemical test it was over .2 something so they had to take me to the hospital because it was mandatory. and when I got to the hospital I got my blood drawn twice got is kept going up to .26

I was pretty calm, but at the same time pretty frustrated with myself, I didnt have to be driving I just barely touched the line for a second and got pulled over by a hick cop. Ive never been pulled over by someone that said I just touched the line. When I told them they didnt have...
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Guilt trips

Posted 05-02-2015 at 11:34 by Serak The Preparer
Updated 10-02-2015 at 14:35 by Serak The Preparer (deleted)

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A message I thought might be of some help nothing special.

Posted 30-01-2015 at 05:34 by desert flower
Updated 30-01-2015 at 05:41 by desert flower (additional)

Hey man just didn't want to clutter up a thread when it's only you that might benefit, in all probability.

Brand name use IS NOT BANNED OR ILLEGAL.
It may not be in the rules you read when joining but it is mentioned somewhere that you should use "chemical names" AS WELL AS brand names, as is there a small guideline saying using correct english WHERE POSSIBLE.
Part of my point is hang on I'll just give an example.
(sorry switched trains cos it made more sense).

Say you're a member and are need of desperate help but all you have is your phone on a roaming network that keeps cutting in and out.
Wouldn't you cut corners that you thought were going to be understood?
Having been in a similar position(not exactly)I know that when you're sending literally hundreds of dms...
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Interesting Junky Stories

Posted 25-01-2015 at 19:26 by pharmmajor

I'm starting to write a book about my life on heroin in philly and new york (I have connections) A different project I'm also eager to try is collecting junky stories (doesnt matter what drug) and putting them all together.

do any of you have any junky stories you are willing to share? (I will not use them in any sort of way unless you give me permission. I have been using this site for years and would not violate the privacy of it's community. I am very serious about this being a safe place for people to share with out any consequences and would be ashamed of myself If I abused that)

Let me know if I'm out of bounds.
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How I stumbled onto this place

Posted 23-01-2015 at 13:14 by Tiona
Updated 23-01-2015 at 13:15 by Tiona (Title Change)

When I first stumbled onto this site, it was searching for the effects of mixing a couple of drugs I know well but didn't know how they interacted. I read a bit of it and enjoyed this place!
So I was like - What the hell, I'll sign up!
...My Cellphone's Chrome and Default Browser both decided they were not going to cooperate with signing up on this site... balls.
SO I just set it aside and didn't think about, next time I ended up stumbling here on yet another google search. Again I tried to sign up, because I actually found something I wanted to reply to!
Well I managed to get signed up but I couldn't reply still, I don't know if it was the cell or this site or both.. I was denied till I verified my account I think it was? The thing was my email didn't want to show me the msg from THIS SITE and I couldn't find...
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The Euphoria of Oxycontin and the emptiness of sobriety....

Posted 20-01-2015 at 14:19 by JonnyBGoode

I would say the period I am describing is sometime around the beginning of 2012. By now I am about to turn 30 in the coming weeks and I have formed what I would call a serious 'habit' of taking pain killers, at this point my main drug of choice is dihydrocodeine which is as I have pointed out previously the European equivalent of hydrocodone. I am also taking vicodins and percocets which are being sent to me from Mexico with various contacts I have made down there through pain forums, it's a little different making a western union payment than it is waiting on a corner to meet a dealer but I am almost enjoying the way this works now.

The excitement of waiting for the post to arrive rather than waiting for a dealer to answer their phone is a different kind of excitement, it's more staggered. I have a plentiful supply of dihydrocodeine...
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How opiates "Get you" without you realising it...

Posted 13-01-2015 at 20:02 by JonnyBGoode

So following on from my last post, this is about 2010 and I am getting into taking pain killers regularly. They all have slightly different highs, I have a lot of dihydrocodeine as this is easily sourced in the UK but by now I am also getting hold of lots of vicodin, percocet and they combine well with the valium I've been addicted to and been taking for sleep purposes as I suffer bad insomnia, for some time. The DHC is like my bread and butter opiate by now, I am taking DHC on a weekly basis, usually at least 360mg but often more, it's cheap and it makes me feel good and it's become my place of sanctity, in such a brutal world that is so confusing and a struggle for someone with low mood like me. I feel entitled to get some escapism and since all the other many drugs I took started to mess with my head and no longer worked the way they once...
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The phenibut for daily GAD experiment Entry #7

Posted 12-01-2015 at 22:19 by Healer

Entry #7

Since I last posted I quit taking phenibut. I have no withdrawal. I still feel the effects of the chemical! Its been 72 hours since I last dosed and its amazing how I still feel relief. I have no rebound anxiety, and no depression. I have no withdrawal symtoms. I actually feel more relaxed since I quit. I think this is because my brain is less foggy and I'm more alert. I am also not tired 24/7. When I was taking high doses I felt like I wanted to lay down and just "rest my eyes" and I wouldn't even remember falling asleep. Sometimes I would fall asleep and not even remember closing my eyes.

I have to say though, my concentration and memory has gone back to being problematic today. I'm trying to study subjects I recently had a blast learning with ease the last 2 weeks. Now I cant even watch...
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The phenibut for daily GAD experiment Entry #6

Posted 10-01-2015 at 07:30 by Healer
Updated 10-01-2015 at 15:57 by Healer

Entry #6

Well sorry guys. For two reasons. The first being my lack of responsibility with updating this post as I promised I would, and the second being my lack of responsibility with doing the right thing with phenibut...to some extent.

The first reason started above is directly an affect of the second. As you know from my previous blogs1 I've not taken a T-break for various reasons. I have gotten myself into another diagnosis treatment2 and set straight my problems. I realized my tolerance is now far too high. I tried one high dose of phenibut around 1000mg and felt really sick. I never wanted to repeat that experience. I tried it again to induce sleep and it did work. It worked fantastically. I just ate 1500mg on a full stomach this time. I had no stomach discomfort at all. I wasn't fond of being high off...
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W-15 ( (E)-4-chloro-N-(1-phenethylpiperidin-2-ylidene)benzenesulfonamid e ) drug i

Posted 07-01-2015 at 01:38 by chupamivergaguey

Quote:
Originally Posted by chupamivergaguey View Post
After perusing a variety of forums, here's how all the W-15 reports can be summed up.

1) I have some/want some/know someone who has some but haven't had time/am afraid to try it.

2) It's total bunk/inactive (lactose, pickle salt, other).

My colleagues' experience is of the latter type. W-15 is the Fountain of Youth or the Cities of Gold of RCs -- I am beginning to doubt it exists and believe the legend was designed to transfer wealth from West to East.
Yeah. What I said.
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then someone will say what is lost can never be saved..

Posted 06-01-2015 at 16:16 by poppylove423

So here comes the fun part. Im down to 2 .5mg doses, maybe even a little less. Dosed .5 this morning. Im trying with all i can to sell some shit so i can just go to the doctor. Looking for work like crazy but ill end up working sick which at this point id suffee through if it meant i could just get back on track. Theres no such thing as a free lunch...

Im even at the point of maybe starting back in AA. Just for support. Ive found theres a lot less drama and bullshit in AA than NA.

Anyways. I wish yall the best. Myself as well.
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