My pretty kitty, Bitsy, was just emailed this from a friend. She sent it to him about a month ago. Now, Bitsy quite often goes on writing tangents like this often, and as much as you'd like to believe she's insane after reading this, you might want to know that she's on the Dean's List in college with a 4.2 GPA.
[Oh btw, the story mentioned in this little rant was about a conversationh she had with her dad. Totally pointless, but had to be finished.]
As soon as I publicly declared atheism as my religious view, life has fucked me just like six people at a time. It's because I have a lot of VERY RELIGIOUS dead family members who obviously disapprove in my choice and are blatantly smiting me for having unconventional thoughts. Heh.
the stupid fucking story that I had PERFECTED grammatically just decided to give me the big FUCK YOU and randomly fucking like vanished. As soon as I finished reading it to make sure it actually made sense, google chrome suddenly closed and the whole thing was just gone.
I am upset because I have [with 9 million breaks in between typing] been typing that since fucking 1030 last night - and I even added little funny lines sporadically that had nothing to do with the story just to make sure it wasn't totally a waste of your time and make sure you smiled at some point, even if it were just because you were smiling at my idiocy.
BUT, [you put on a smile here, because I smiled here]
I'm happy at the same time because atleast it was finished. That was the whole reason I couldn't scrap the pointless story fucking hours ago. I couldn't not fucking finish it without thinking about it.*
UGH. When it disappeared, I seriously had 5 major emotional moments at once: 1) sigh of relief because you weren't subjected to my high level of borderline tweaker-type nonsense. 2) utter disbelief because I had spent so much time on a well written story. 3) broken hearted because I realized it actually was gone after trying to find it. 4) possible heart murmur because I actually quit breathing as a result of the aforementioned utter disbelief. 5) lastly, the most annoying one is the fucking cramp I have developed in my left shoulder for sitting here slouched over this fucking keyboard for so damn long to send you a story you probably would have cared nothing about. THE ONLY GOOD THING COMING OUT OF THIS is that deep down inside, I know you feel at least a fraction of a percentage of pity for me because YOU KNOW that no matter how retarded the story probably was, I put my heart and soul into it. Which I don't do often. So, yes, I'm sure you feel pity yet proud of me for doing my best. [I thank you for feeling those feelings.]
~Authors Note: THE FOLLOWING MATERIAL CONTAINED INSIDE THE HEART LINES ARE THE ONLY SURVIVING PIECES OF THE ORIGINAL DOCUMENT. Proceed with caution. If you use an inhaler, you might want to have it in reaching distance.~
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I even wrote a warning label at the beginning that read:
SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: This rather funny [well,i think it's funny.you will too if you understand the point] story comes equipped with an apology at the end. Sorry babylove, thank you for kindly reading it anyway.
And then the end of the whole story read as stated:
I am so sorry for the length of this. Honestly, the story was very funny and I finally figured out where my random thoughts and dry, sarcastic humor came from [which, sadly, was the only real point in the whole fucking story and only took up two lines out of my 9 paragraph novella.] I'm happy that you are the recipient of this because hopefully you made sense of the story and atleast giggled like a 5 year old child who has just discovered - what he will later in life learn to refer to as a boner - at some point in my honors english worthy story structure. I also hope you shook your head in bewilderment while simultaneously scrunching your eyes, [oh, FYI you look like a half assed chink when you do that and it always makes me smile.] as you always do after I say anything random, weird, or dirty. If, in fact, none of this story has made you giggle, I know the child boner joke I slipped in up there atleast made you smile because the only person that finds me hilariously funny no matter what [besides myself] is you [and I laughed kinda hard as I typed it .. SO].
And if you were wondering, yes, I was in fact high as the unemployment rate Obama has gifted our country with while writing this piece of literature for you. This goes to show why I should not be allowed to write down my thoughts on paper [or things that act like paper on the interweb such as this messaging box I am using here] while under the influence of something that makes me think more than I already do. Please drill into my brain as much as you think necessary to make me REALLY understand the fact that I need to disassociate myself from FB while playing adult themed dress up and picking a tweaker as a character. [I say that because I have just realized crazy tweakers only type like this - and I am ashamed at failing to break my focus and allowing myself to go on like this. I hope you can forgive me for showing that, I too, can actually make mistakes like a normal person would. Actually, don't forgive me until you read all the caps lock words in the two sentences immediately following this sentence.
AGAIN, I AM SORRY. YOU STILL LOVE ME THOUGH, SO I WON'T BE SORRY 7.5 MINUTES FROM NOW.
PS, I introduced the beginning warning as a SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING because it made me feel like I was legitimately aiding in your general welfare by warning you that you could possibly lose a few brain cells if you tried to hard to understand my beautifully written, grammatically correct, well worded yet totally not the story I should have chosen for a novella.
PSS, I love you to fucking hell and back - but if you were dumb enough to waste your time reading the entire contents of my little conversation based story that OD'd on the Hulk's steroid
medication - I shake my head at you. I warned you it was fucking stupid. But, thanks anyway for being a dedicated recipient.*
<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3*
Bahahaha, fuckin Christ. The only reason I had the little warning sign and apology saved was because I wrote them in Word because I was tired of staring at fb. I'm not gonna lie, this message has now magically become a bit too long as the last one did. So I'll stop. [you are now free to imagine me, sitting here, experiencing a clusterfuck of sad emotions at one time, while watching me become so godfuckingdamned ticked off as I realized I wasn't actually done typing and had to write a message explaining what happened to the first message] AND LAUGH YOUR WHITE ASS OFF because I actually was in deep thought debating with myself about writing an explanation letter - for the remaining 3.75 minutes that I have left of my PITY.PARTY.
You can't laugh about this after that.*
3.5 minutes, 3.35 minutes..
PSS; I seriously need a fucking hobby that will entertain me for more than 5 minutes.*
PSSS; white power. [oh,speaking of, guess what? I learned that the Aryan Brotherhood is not as heavily based on racism as it is commonly perceived. It was solely based on an all-white, brutal, criminal organization that is now a multi-million dollar company. I say this only because I totes pictures you in my head volunteering to be the poster child for that specific white supremacist group.]
Make note that I was not imagining you in prison, just as the face. Please promise me though that if you ever do find yourself in prison to not join the Aryan Brotherhood because their BLOOD IN, BLOOD OUT rule means you have to murder an inmate to be accepted. Blood out is obvs. [Personal theory, I feel as if the reason they are so ruthless and animalistic is because the two founders were beat up on the the playground as children and they became criminals just to finally stick it to all the colors of kids who abused them. [that part was not based on something I learned in the documentary. it's solely based on the fact that I like to believe that 75% of 'badass criminals' started off as nerd kids. just throwin that out there.]
So, I'm sure you think I've gone crazy. But in all honesty, this is all I have to do right now - so yeah, I went back and embellished this story with a few things that make it a much more interesting read. If my whole teleportation/robbing banks/Jamaica dream doesn't pan out, I surely could write stories that are so strange that they become the newest fad and I become a kagillionaire. If I make a kagillion dollars, I will give you $9017 just for being the first person to read my future fad stories.*
Just so you feel comfortable, I am one hundred percent normal acting. I haven't gone crazy - I'm just happy one of my slightly amusing stories is actually getting sent for real.
Have a less mind-involved morning than I had. <3
[you have to pass this one because you failed the last one.]
-Text me after you read this with three words to describe your state of mind after you finished this message.
-your favorite. <3
Bitsy would also like to point out that she is in no way racist and neither is her friend. The whole "white power" thing is an inside joke having nothing to do with white supremacy. So if anyone was offended, she is VERY sorry.
Does anyone else go on rants like this?