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Congratulations. As has been said already 47 days, while amazing, is still going to leave strong cravings. It will get easier as time goes by. Take each day at a time and stay strong, you are an inspiration to a number of people here wanting to do the same.
Being rejected is the most normal thing in this world.
It's just: the more you try, the easier you will find someone compatible. I knew rejections of the kind you wrote about in your above ^^ post.
I began to measure and compare,- until I took the heart to ask a good (female) friend of mine about that dick-size-thing.
She told me that the biggest losers she had in bed were the ones with the big cocks, because most of them ( if not being trained pornstars) could not hold their (monstrous) erection for long enough to give fun to the ladies, too and not only go stick it in and - don't move,--ooooops.
Time after that I learned to know someone new and, after coming nearer to one another she said: " You know.- I always thought sex was boring and just for the amusement of the guys."
Believe or not, this was the last time I ever thought about the size of my dick.
And what with rejections.- there's plenty more fish in the sea, and if she won't have me,- bad luck to her.
Scott, I am following your thread for the last few months, don't know much about alcohol and what goes on around it,- but I know about addiction, lapse and relapse, about swapping one addiction for another and about feeling regretful and generally thinking I was a failure and that the world would be a better place without me.
It is not.
The world is the only place where we can be today, so the only thing we can do is change our world.
Get new relationships, learn to know new people, Scott, aside from the people here on DF, of which I know no one in RL and have telephoned to just a few (under a handful!) I have exactly three people I would call my friends and my elder brother. That makes Four . people. in. the. whole . world.
And none of them is my partner.
Scott, You have shown that you have the power to cope with the booze before, Just do it again.
Chin up high and nose in the air, even when the neck is dirty.
If you want, send a PM to me. We could possibly have more in common.
I would hope to not have any real life friends here, after just telling everyone what I did about myself!
I guess maybe it's time I did stop feeling sorry for myself. Time to start another count down of clean days. The sober days are better than the cloudy ones. Its easier to hate yourself when you are drunk.
There are crucial moments in your life that affect all the other ones. I am at one now. That gal I was running around with wasn't for me, and the longer it went the worse I was gonna get hurt. Not a question of if, but when.
I have been working on getting my wife in a rest home, and it is starting to appear she will be going in a week or two. That will be a big relief for me.
I gotta somehow find a way to get on top of all this, and rack up some more clean time. I hope it gets easier.
I'd just like to add that 5.5 inches does not sound small, unless you are using male porn actors as a comparison. This is not a realistic basis to evaluate your attractiveness or status as a man. You don't need to feel awkward about having shared your feelings and experiences; many men have a similar experience.
I just read that post. I agree that it 'is an extremely frightening, uncontrolled frame of mind which is very hard to understand'. I haven't really been here before now. What really scares me is when I feel nothing, not even any bad emotions.
I was using the story about my wang to illustrate how I got a big hangup installed in my mind at a young age, when I really thought I was normal. It doesent bother me as much this late in life, but those feelings are the first to come out when I get rejected by a woman.
The anxiety may seem silly to anyone else, but it is real, and horrible to me.
Its just another clue as to how flawed and twisted my mind really is.
I assume its been mentioned before, but head to a gp to talk over depression. Its common in both heavy drinkers and those trying to stop. You don't need to take medication for it if you'd rather not (though it can help in the right cases) but the advice, living tips and councilling if wanted may be helpful. Things as small as making sure you either get enough sunlight, or turn on a light for the dim afternoons and evenings can make a surprising difference. And once again very well done for both realising the harm alcohol was doing and having the willpower to stop drinking.
I have 2 clean days in, and just got back from the gym. I am getting ready to visit a rest home that has room for my wife. If I get a break she will be going there next week, first of next month at the latest.
I haven't seen or heard from my little tweaker for 2 days, which coincides with my clean days! My sister in law set me up with one of her friends, so I can at least have a long distance texting romance going for an outlet.
I am going to focus my powers on the positive, if I can. Maybe I will stop looking at certain websites.I am going to try to tell myself I am on the uptick.
I hope I am not at the opposite end of the spectrum ten minutes from now.
Scott, I went through the same increasingly depressed feeling when my life went into total upheaval several years back. I jad finally racked up $30,000 in debt, had no car, friends, or house that I owned, and was self-medicating with alcohol (the only drug that "worked" and was always 100% available) every night and all weekend to block it all out. Collection agencies called me at home and work, and I continued to avoid it and numb my anxiety with vodka. Suicidal ideation only got worse and worse to the point that the only reason I didn't go through with it was the mess it would have left for the person who found my body. Finally I set aside part of a day to call a hotline and talk to someone. Then I looked up Psychotherapists in the phone book and made an appointment.
Here is the best part: the doctor I first picked actually was NOT a good match for me, but was able to refer me to one who was. She also referred me immediately to a psychiatrist to get anti-depressants, which made me feel a little better almost immediately because I finally felt like I was truly fixing the problems. The new shrink was also great and helped me identify (and CHANGE) the though-patterns I had that were contributing to the cycles of depression. I ended up declaring bankruptcy too, but I never felt as bad again as I did before I got professional help.
Be up front with the counselor about coming from decades of alcohol abuse and say you don't know how to choose a shrink and are open to recommendations if he/she knows a colleague who would be a better match for you. It is very important that you get effective treatment for this. Really, you can begin feeling SO MUCH better. It is totally worth the risk to take this step and get professional counseling.
scot sorry i havent been around to reply and i have to go soon so i will keep this short.
i am 22 years old, all of my friends go to the local university here, i dont i work at a sub shop delivering subs. my best friend is leaving next fall to go to around the 35th ranked law school in the country, which my own sister also attends (strait A's all her life by the way, always got the "be like your sister" shit from my parents, teachers, principals, ect.) the fall after that i have a friend going to med school. additionally all these guys get laid ALL the time, from when they lived in doors to college house parties i watched them all fuck some of the hottest girls ive seen. on the other hand until a year ago i was an IV oxycontin/heroin addict, a criminal, and for a lack of better words pretty much a loser. ive started to get my life on track but still at times find myself jealous of them. it may be selfish of me, regretting the very many mistakes ive made, from the drugs, to all the crimes when i was a minor (no criminal record thankfully) and the years i wasted to drugs, crime, ect. my freshman year i only got about 1.5 credits as i was expelled before my first semester was done, then kept over dosing and was committed to a mental institute.
additionally the last year i was actively using drugs i maybe slept with 2 girls, a few times each, and then since ive been on methadone for about a year ive only had sex with one. at times this bothers me, then i remind myself that i have never slept with a girl i didn't like, wasn't attracted to, and in my opinion wasn't smart and had a good personality, aside from one or two. about 2 months ago i slept with a girl from work, she was pretty sexy, had good sex, she came really hard, and it was a lot of fun. she was pretty young, barely 19 and she had all ready slept with another guy at work who i was told by another work buddy was hung like a horse. i tried to pursue who some more, and we have hooked up twice after the first time, but she spends most of her time with him. for a while i felt mad, jealous, inadequate, ect, but realized that even though my dick isn't huge, its not small by any means, and really having a big dick just means you have the luxury of being lazy in bed. the old saying is somewhat true "its not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean" through the years i dated the same girl for 3 years and we had sex hundreds of times, just cuz we broke up doesn't mean i dont remember how to preform, and also if i may say i can eat pussy like no ones business and that almost always keeps them coming back.
dealing with rejection is hard, it sucks, we have all ben there, but its part of life. women can make you feel like a million bucks or the size of a penny, if you let them. the same goes for any situation in life.
believe me scot i have thought about suicide more times than i would admit, this time last year every day when i work up all i though about was getting out of my addiction by suicide or the methadone clinic. in my room there is a big chimney and a stairwell going by it, when i was dopesick i would stare at it thinking, all i need to do is get some rope, tie it around and jump, all my suffering would be done, my family wouldn't have to suffer my addiction (aside from initial shock) and i would never have to be stuck in this circle of crime, money, needles, agony, life. about a month ago i met with a new counselor and when i told her this i just started bawling out of no where, when she asked about the tears all i said was how i knew that suicide was not what i wanted, it wasnt me thinking, it was addiction. it was like a crazy man obsessed with a woman leaving him and kills her thinking if i can have her no one can, my addiction was holding me hostage, and i was so close to giving in.
i didn't give in and now my life is on track, not everything is perfect but that is life, theres good times and bad. when i was in highschool i was addicted to drugs worse than a year ago, and i got away from it. for 3 years i was a healthy, normal person, not normal i still used some drugs recreationally but no opiates. i had a great life, friends who cared, a wonderful girlfriend for 3 years, went on trips, camped with friends, concerts, just LIVED. but due to a dormant addiction and a situation where i moved to my home town which opiates had invaded in my absence, i had no friends and the people i knew from my opiate days were easy to hand out with, if you had money for dope they had time to hang out, and thats how i fucked my whole life up and almost died/went to jail for years.
i can get better man i swear to you, its not easy but so many people have done it, including myself, i just failed in my vigilance and am wiser now.
also going to a counselor is not whining to someone about bull shit, nothing like it. its getting an outside perspective on your life, much like you are doing here, and learning skills to work through emotions instead of deaden them with drugs.
coolhandluke added 14 Minutes and 43 Seconds later...
also want to add if you are feeling in to deep go to your local emergency room, tell them your struggling with alcoholism and have thought about suicide. its illegal to fire someone for going into a psych ward, and they will help!
i have been to the psych was a few times and it did save my life, i swear to god, you will not be writing yourself a one way ticket to the looney bin, you will be saving your life, once you work through your mental problems they will release you when your not suicidal.
Last edited by coolhandluke; 15-03-2012 at 01:35.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
I almost busted out bawling at work today. I finally realized my wife was going to be leaving me, and for a better place. In my mind we separated at that moment. It was just an awakening moment, a realization.
I have been acting bad on the verge of abusive toward her for a few weeks now. I think I want her to hate me, and make the separation easier.
After my realization I have been feeling somewhat better. I think I want to step back from the edge just a little. I feel today that I survived a close call, and its very humbling.
I had a good nights work, and a great workout at the gym this morning. I actually feel pretty darned good. There is a lot of stuff hanging over my head financially, but they cant put me in jail for it.
I am just going to give everything my best, and let it go at that.
I really feel I was given a second chance at life.
Three days ago I was GONE, I just had not finished dying yet.
Today I am actually grateful I did not act out on what was consuming me at that time.
Last edited by Scottowl; 15-03-2012 at 17:07.
Reason: finish the thought
What a brilliant update - I'm smiling over here across the pond at that!
I think you are absolutely correct in what you've said about your behaviour towards your wife, it makes perverse sense doesn't it?
So often we treat people that we care about badly to push them away...that way we don't have to worry about them missing us or caring for us once we're out of their lives. I know you've said that the marriage has been 'over' for some time and for many reasons, but you sound like you've truly come to terms with it today.
That's really good news, and I hope it takes some of the pressure off you. I bet it will help you cope with the stresses of caring for your wife a bit longer, too (and that will benefit her of course).
All you can do is try your best - and its fantastic to see that you are taking that attitude on.
The financial stuff will sort itself out, as hard as that probably is to believe. My dad used to use the expression ' you can't get blood from a stone' when it came to money and not being able to pay a bill, etc...if you don't have it, you can't pay it.
That's the reality, so try not to worry too much, yeah?
Focus on healing yourself, keep your chin up and give yourself a big pat on the back for being so positive
Today I am finishing up getting my wifes things ready. Tomorrow we will begin moving her in. I hope she can be admitted tomorrow. She will, if the state keeps their word.
I am realizing more and more that I will be alone soon. It will be strange, after 27 years with her. That is about half my life right now.
She has changed, and hasn't really been the same person for years. Of course, neither have I. The trouble is we are growing farther apart with each day. I have already gone over that, but I keep being reminded of it each day.
A drink would go good now, but that would lead to another, and another and another...
We are finding alot of mementos from years gone by, and I am very weepy. She unloaded my lunchbox thin morn after work, and I realized that was going to be the last time she would have to mess with it.
I have been very short tempered with her lately. I feel very bad about that.
With all I have on my mind, the sewer decided it was going to back up last night. I flew into a rage over that. I am hoping I was venting some frustrations, and I am not going to be like that over every setback from now on.
Every one on here has convinced me to see the doc about depression and mood swings. This is getting uncontrollable. I will take care of her immediate needs the over the next 3 days, then re focus on myself. The doc is at the top of my list.
I am keeping the S word under wraps, but it does crop up in my conscious. I am nowhere near that place I was the first of the week, and hope to never go back there.
Is something like that hereditary? My father took that way out.
I thought of him for awhile the other day. He trained me to hide my emotions, and keep them to myself no matter what. I am coming to grips with an entire suppressed lifetime of emotions, and expecting them to be worked by "Friday, at the close of business". I am guessing that is an unreasonable expectation.
I just thought of something. What do you suppose an acid trip would do for me right now?
He trained me to hide my emotions, and keep them to myself no matter what. I am coming to grips with an entire suppressed lifetime of emotions, and expecting them to be worked by "Friday, at the close of business". I am guessing that is an unreasonable expectation.
I just thought of something. What do you suppose an acid trip would do for me right now?
I'm in a bit of a rush and have a lot to say about your most recent post, but I just want to touch on two things right now. The first thing is that if your father trained you to hide your emotions and keep them to yourself (no matter what), he didn't train you very well. I mean that as a positive, for you have been nothing but brutally honest in your self appraisals on the forum, in our PMs, and in this thread.
Now, maybe you don't show your emotions as well in real life, but I feel like that's something a lot of men struggle with. From a young age, boys are taught that "feelings" are something that only girls have and only girls express. I am obviously broad-stroking, but not much, and it's definitely not something you should beat yourself up over. If you can put your emotions out there, anywhere (like here on DF!), you're one step closer to sifting through them and working through all the crap. You've made such huge leaps and bounds so don't stop now.
As for the acid trip, I don't like psychedelics and have hardly used any, but from all I understand that would lead to nothing but misery for you right now. While you seem to have recovered somewhat from your darkest hour a little while back, you're probably not in the best mental state to take a trip. More importantly, you shouldn't be ingesting any substances right now as you continue to try and sober up off the hooch. That's what I think, anyway. I'll get back to you as soon as I can, Scott, stay strong.
Bad night for me last night. The Tweaker Queen called up wanting to see me. Turns out she needed 20$ for dope. I did that, and she was with a friend who had a bottle.
At first I would not drink, and was doing OK. Then her friend goaded me into it, and I got with it.
I drained my bank account, and I got shit faced. I wasnt driving, which is good. She was, which is not. She stopped off and picked up some dude I didnt know. I got mad, and got out of the car, and she sped off.
I was 10 or more miles from home, it was 3 AM, and I was supposed to move my wife into the home at 7AM. I decided to just lay down in the middle of the highway. I was hoping to pass out and get ran over, and never wake up.
I got up at 9 and moved her stuff. She did not get admitted, due to the homes not getting some paperwork from her doctor.
I am sick, and overly tired. Here it is, 10 pm, and I have done about 2 days worth of work.
I havent seen my car, obviously. Nor has she called me. I threw my cell phone away, and I mainly texted her to communicate. I have not called the cops, but I an considering it. Somehow they got my wallet, and her friend tried to use my debit card. Fortunately I am dead broke, and she could not get anything out of it.
I know I should call the cops, but I dont want more trouble for her. She isnt too worried about me though, so I will in another day or so.
I am extremely disappointed with myself. I am going to get hurt by all this self destructive behavior. I am right back to step one, and things are even worse.
While I was moving her stuff in today I noticed some of the elderly people watching me. I am quite sure they would like to have my mobility and energy. Yet I am reaching the point where I want to toss it away. Its time for me to go get some help, as I am doing lousy at it by myself.
That brings up another point. I will be living by myself in another day or two. I think that could be disastrous for me.
look man you have been abusing alcohol for how long? recovery does not happen overnight, it takes time, unfortunately relapses and all kinds of shit before people get clean. it goes for any addiction.
in going to send you a friend request and we should start private messaging.
if you dont get your car back in the next few days, call the cops. this girl is not going to get clean and is contributing to you using. with all the stress you have all ready, this is some you absolutely do not need, you have been friends for so long i understand, but obviously she is not bringing anything helpful to the table for you. YOU DO NOT NEED IT AND IT WILL TRIGGER YOU USING. if she figures her shit out on her self then great, be there for her, but she is using you and it is making you drink, get rid of it.
coolhandluke added 3 Minutes and 0 Seconds later...
not one single addict can do it on their own, we all need help. i know how hard of a pill it is to swallow that you cant take care of it yourself. ive done some real hard work in construction and shit, and many mens instinct is that they are ok, and dont need help. with addiction that is not true, you need it, i need it, and no addict doesn't. i know how humbling it is, many do, but it is a fact.
Last edited by coolhandluke; 21-03-2012 at 05:28.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
You don't need people who will goad you into drinking. My ex used to come down & bring me money for drugs & get high himself, then eventually stopped getting high with me, even if he still brought me money & to the dope man. This made me feel more guilty, by the way. It did end up being one of the inspirations to getting me cleaned up (that he stopped getting high, not so much my guilt, heh).
Call the cops on your car. Cancel the debit card & have them send a new one.
As soon as your wife's in the facility, you might consider an in-patient vacation. This could help you get stable & talk to a doctor & if meds are appropriate, you'll have a bit of time to get started on them without having to worry about day to day junk. I know it's easier said than done, but stay away from the booze, as it doesn't bring you anywhere good.
Things just arent getting any better. That last post, I did not mean I laid on the highway for 6 hours. I was there a short time before many cop cars pulled up. They checked me up one side and down the other, then hauled me about 6 miles home. I was asleep about 4:30 or 5, and up at 9 AM.
I know all these worthless bastards I am hanging with would not ever attempt to do that, and I am older than they are. I keep telling myself I am not a bad person, but I am messing up big time.
The nursing home for my wife is about 60 miles away. I towed the trailer up there, unloaded it and began setting things up. I then returned the trailer, took her shopping, and did some more packing. Another bad thing is that I did not eat the day I drank, or the next day when I was working on all this. I was sick, worried about my car, and still wanting to help out my friend who trashed me at the first chance.
The man at the home did not get her doctor to admit her! I figured he would have that done weeks ago, and waited for the state. So she is stuck at home, and all her things are 60 miles away in a room in a nursing home.
If that isnt enough, the bathroom she can access decided to plug up. Of course I dont have money to get it fixed right now because I have been buying a shit load of dope, and financing two peoples gambling habit. WTF is wrong with me right now?
The slightest thing goes wrong and I fly into a rage. So much does go wrong. It seems the entire adventure has gone bad.
I guess I might be pretty strong to be able to deal with all of this. I know many who wouldnt put up with it. I am just about ready to hit the wall though.
Scottowl added 5 Minutes and 1 Seconds later...
Oh, the car found its way home. I dont smoke, but a lot of people did smoke in it that night. All my stuff had been pilfered through, and some of my gym clothes were missing.
Im lucky I dont like cool music, or else all my CDs would be gone as well.
Anybody else have lovely friends such as this?
Last edited by Scottowl; 22-03-2012 at 03:01.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
Sweetheart, those aren't friends
I know that you know that...just felt like it needed to be said.
So what's your plan? What are you going to do the next time she calls you up or turns up at your door? It will make things easier to cope with if you have a plan of action.
I can totally empathise with your frustration over the situation with your wife's nursing home arrangements, and can only imagine the stress it could cause even if everything else was going perfectly. I'm assuming that since her things are already there, the admission process should happen quickly - so hang in there, and keep pushing the responsible staff members to make sure it happens. It certainly isn't doing you or your wife any good and they must understand this.
I'm worried about what will happen with you once she has moved out and you are on your own. You need some appropriate support for you now. Meetings, the doctor, hell an inpatient option as Kailey mentioned (if its available)...it's time to get serious yeah?
You can do it...you've shown amazing insight into your behaviours, and you know what needs to be done. This is a turning point, and you can do this.
you are right, I do need a plan. I also need the will to carry it out.
It feels as if i am being dumped twice. First of all, theres my wife. She cannot help what the disease has done to her, and where it left her. Although I tell myself I am doing the absolute best thing in the world for her, it hurts that I cannot save her, and make her better.
The girlfriend I chose to turn to also has a disease. If she were sober she would be 2 or 3 classes above me in the way of the world. She has great looks, is very compassionate, and is all woman. I knew her when she was sober, and at that time did not know how bad of an addict she was.
So, what is it with me? Do I think, deep down in there somewhere, that I am capable of changing the world? I am trying to save these two, and it is leaving me at the end of a rope, twisting in the wind.
I am truly scared for myself when I am finally living alone. As long as I stay busy I will be OK, and I have plenty to stay busy with right now. I am mush mentally right now, all over the board. I have been very low and down and out since this last binge. It has been going on three days since, and I am still kicking and hating on myself.
My plan is to get my wife in where she needs to be, as fast as I can. Once she is stable I will concentrate on myself. I can see I gotta get some help. I cannot do this alone.
I wish I could describe the cutting, searing pain I have in my brain. The sense of dread and anguish that invades my conscience. The feelings of lethargy and malaise.
I cant think of anything to get passionate and all worked up about. I used to have hobbies that I immersed myself into. Somehoww I cant get myself involved in them.
The best thing i have going for me is this forum. Out of the billions of inhabitants of earth, a couple hundred at best have any inkling what I am experiencing.
I am not significant. The world will be fine without me. Even the person I do care about would be better off if I was not here.
Natbe mt life cycle was meant to care for her. Its just about out of my hands. Maybe that is the reason I am fading out.
Scottowl added 103 Minutes and 2 Seconds later...
Been doing a little thinking, and there must be a reason I am still here. Maybe there is someone out there that I haven't met yet that needs my help. Or maybe I am supposed to be saving myself?
It would be kind of ironic if someone like me did manage to get them self back on track, enjoy a little clean time, then get run over by a drunk driver, or shot in a drive by over dope.
Not only ironic, but about par for my course.
Last edited by Scottowl; 22-03-2012 at 15:05.
Reason: Automerged Doublepost
Babe, you need inpatient as soon as your wife is in the home. I mean, I personally feel you need it sooner, but you probably won't do that.
You don't need to be stuck with all these crazy, horrible thoughts swimming around your mushy brain. I would pack a bag and put it in the trunk of the car; after you drop off your wife, take yourself straight to an ER & tell them everything (you've been drinking after a period of sobriety, doing drugs, and that you're feeling unsafe), they should admit you no problem. Don't worry about where; most places I've been have been awesome. The only shitholes were a couple of straight up detoxes, not the "dual diagnosis" wards I finally learned about & get sent to now (when needed - these days, I only need it if I get off my meds for a bit for whatever reason).
Anyway. You need the vacation. Like I mentioned before, hang in there, because you are worth the effort.
of course, this is just my opinion & I am not a medical professional, just another person who has also had problems with addictions & feeling despondent...and seeing doctors & being able to NOT feel despondent anymore.
How long does impatient care take? The last thing I need is to be down right now, with everything I am juggling. Maybe this would be the best thing for me.
I cant do it though. I have too many problems to resolve first, with the finances and all.
I am half tempted to quit my job and collect my retirement fund. The debt problem would disappear, but I would have to start over yet again. I am too old for that nonsense.
With no job, and insurance, I could not keep up on the visits and meds and such. That would do me no good.
I just have to stand in there and dig for awhile. If I have any sanity left at the end, that would be nice.
So, from start to finish of this thread, have I been showing normal behaviour for a human in my spot? It has been quite a trip for me so far.
Last edited by Scottowl; 22-03-2012 at 19:20.
Reason: add content
Wow. I just dropped my wife off at the nursing home. She gave me that little smile that lets me know she trusts me with everything, and Ijust about did not bust out bawling until I got to my car.
I continued crying all 60 miles home.
I realized I have been abusing her verbally and mentally for a few months now. I wanted her to not want to stay with me. I did not want to hurt her. She understands, as best as she can.
Its been a long struggle, but she is finally where she needs to be. I have a longer climb to get where I need. I can begin to work on it now though.
I came home and paid out all the money I could spare to my bills. That way I dont have any that I will be able to waste on booze or gambling or covering somebodys dope.
Doing this makes me feel pretty damm good, actually. I am doing the right thing. I want to get back on track. Due to moving I have not been to the gym all week. I have not been to an AA meeting in I dont know how long. Im gonna change that too.
I'm glad your wife is finally in the home and getting the care she needs. I know it's been a hard road for both of you and I know that being on your own now presents its own problems, but she's where she has to be.
As for your questions about inpatient rehab, the length of time really varies by program and also depends highly on you. Some have detox facilities on the premises, others require you to do some sort of detox beforehand (though thankfully you have already accomplished the bulk of that as you've mostly moved past the daily use). Different facilities have varying ideas of what is a "complete" stay, but every one of them is voluntary so you also have to have the drive to stick it out once you're there.
I agree with Kailey that at this point, it's what you need... but I also understand the staggering cost without insurance and other logistic problems surrounding inpatient rehab. I've mentioned this to you before but I'll say it again: if you do nothing else, I wish you had a mental health care professional to speak with. We will always be here to support you and help you in the best way we know how, but there's no shame in therapy and many psychologists/LCSWs etc. also have a great deal of experience in dealing with addiction. You can seek one out specifically who does. In lieu of inpatient rehab, attending meetings and making sure you are regularly touching base with a therapist could really do a world of good.
Depending on where you live, you may also want to look into intensive outpatient programs (IOPs). These aren't residential, but patients usually spend at least a few hours a day doing many of the things they would be doing in an inpatient setting. While the amount of time will also vary by program, this might allow you to keep working and not have to take time off to go inpatient (if that's something you want).
If you decide to go on medication, you shouldn't worry about the cost. Many, many medications used for alcohol detox and depression are available in generics nowadays, and even without insurance are incredibly inexpensive.
This might be a little hard to hear but my point is up until this point you've basically been trying to do this on your own, with a little bit of our support and attending meetings and it hasn't really worked. You've made great leaps and bounds staying clean, but your mental state has been (understandably) all over the place. The problems in your life are not isolated to the ones caused by your addiction; if they were, you might have an easier time sorting things out. You're in a really rough spot right now having just dropped off your wife, being newly own your own, clearly battling depression, and on top of it all trying to get clean.
You're making it so much harder on yourself by not seeking out some additional help. If not inpatient now, then maybe IOP. If not IOP, at least go see a therapist and get back to meetings ASAP. I know money's tight but you have options and I think you need more support than you currently have. Stop worrying about debt for just one minute and just ask yourself the question "what can I do to help myself get better?" It's hard to imagine right now but once you are feeling healthier and more free of your addiction, I truly believe many of your other problems will begin to fade... or at the very least, the solutions will become more clear. You need to make your recovery and your mental health your top priorities right now.
None of that is to say you haven't done a great job up until this point, because you have. You've learned so much about yourself, you've grown so much, and I have complete faith that everything will work out. There's just no shame in trying to find some extra support when it's truly needed, and I think now is a time to be looking.
Thank you everybody. I really feel all your love. I just wanted to say I am not nearly so dark today, and I think things just may work out somehow.
As a favor to you all, but mostly to myself, I am going to make a doctor appt. tomorrow morning, and go into serious attack mode on this problem. I will post every step of the way, because I really feel you all really do care about me. THANK YOU all very much!!
I am calling my wife at least once a day. She is semi-happy there, and sounds cheerful for the most part. Her complaints are nonsensical, which i would expect from her condition. God forgives all sins, an He has many to forgive me for someday in the way I have treated her these past weeks.
Being alone is weird. I sleep in the afternoons, and I woke out of a sound sleep yesterday to the sound of her voice bitching to me about leaving the front door open. It was so real I got up and made sure it was locked, and it was.
I am plenty busy on the days I work, but the real test begins tomorrow when I am off.
My first day off with my being alone has come and gone. I was worried about getting in trouble because of nothing to do. Turns out theres plenty to keep me going.
The first thing was to clean up the house a bit. I did more yesterday than in all the time I have been here. I also cleaned out the rest of my wifes stuff.
Then I started working on me. I called my doctor, and have an appointment in the morning to see about my mood swings, and general sense of despair.
The company I work for provides for 3 visits to a mental health professional, and my medical insurance covers some additional visits. I set up an appointment there also.
Another perk from work is financial counseling. I set myself up there as well, hoping I can find a way out of bankruptcy. If I cannot, at least I will have the help and information that will let me reach a rational and informed decision.
So thats what I did with my day off. I decided it is high time I got serious about moving myself ahead. I am going to be working toward that goal.
The drinking? Yes, of course the urge is there, but it seems to be weakening. I would be grateful if it continued to weaken, or at least not intensify.
Last edited by Scottowl; 27-03-2012 at 11:21.