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Old 04-01-2014, 14:59
phenitheman phenitheman is offline
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Finally doing "good" if not "great"... sometimes don't know where to go from here...

I'll try to keep this part as short as possible, just some background info without my life story. I'm 22 years old and have been to inpatient rehab facilities 3 separate times. I have been to detox multiple times. Don't have a college education, until now have never had a decent job that I could support myself with. Opiates were my drug of choice (iv heroin, suboxone maintenance while drinking a lot and doing benzos, then iv heroin again). My last time inpatient was July 2012. I then overdosed and ended up in the icu Nevember of 2012. This is the last time anyone thinks that I've "used" although that's not necessarily the case. Since my overdose I've begun to use kratom one day a week max, phenibut one day a week max, and I have etizolam for stressful, anxiety-provoking situations. This does not mean that I even use these drugs every week, just if I do decide to use them I make sure it's been at least a week since my last use. If not than it's not going to happen. I have not returned to any of my past drugs of abuse for over a year. I have not drank alcohol for over a year. Nobody knows of my occasional use of phenibut/kratom, or even my rarer use of etizolam. Certainly not my parents, as I still live with them and they wouldn't be approving of any mind altering substances, legal or not. I just feel as if I need "something" to wind down from life once in a while, and presently I can and have been doing so for a while in a non-addictive fashion.

I guess here's where the "sob story" comes into play and I can't recognize my next move. This past year and a half I've made great strides in life. Got a job, got a better job, got a car, then got an even better job. One that I could actually support myself with. Was in a relationship with a girl I met in AA for almost a year that just ended. I'm in a position where I'm living with my parents, saving a ton of money for my future. Happily using these "milder" and "legal" substances once in a while. But....

Everyone thinks that I'm "clean." From my parents, to this girl I just broke up with, to the whole AA community. See I've been going to AA meeting for a while and I still choose to do so. Now that I'm not longer dating this girl, which took up my entire weekend, my free time looks like this. I can call up an AA contact and hang out with them or go to a meeting or spend it around family. It's most likely the weekend because I work 10 hours a day during the week. Having stated that my only free time is the weekend I may or may not be taking phenibut or kratom if I decide to take any that week.

I guess part of me feels like a fraud. I don't have any old friends I can hang out with, as they were all using buddies at the end of the day. I do have some "friends" I've made at work that are always asking me to go to the bar, which at my age would be normal. However again I live with my parents and they wouldn't be cool with me coming home drunk even once in a while, knowing my past history. Also these work friends really don't know my past history. So that leaves me pretty much with my AA buddies and the meetings.

I finally have the tools I need to really succeed in life. I have the job, the car, I'm saving money. But something is definitely missing. I'm doing 100x better than I ever have, yet the picture isn't complete. I feel like I have one foot in and out of the AA program. This is working for me as I'm not longer addicted to anything (even quit smoking a couple months) but I'm definitely working my own special program lol. I guess in a way it just kind of sucks that I don't have the freedom to hang out with my buddies from work and go to the bar maybe twice a month even. But even if I did have that freedom then I wouldn't even have one foot in AA anymore... I'm sure you can see the conflict.

I am open to and will really appreciate any suggestions.
Old 04-01-2014, 15:28
It'sOn It'sOn is offline
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Re: Finally doing "good" if not "great"... sometimes don't know where to go from here

I'm excited by your progress and am so happy you're experiencing the good stuff that comes with a mostly sober life. If you didn't have a history of abuse, I'd wonder what's the problem?

My suggestion, as a person who's tried full on substance abuse, abstinence, and everything in between, and have done so for the majority of my life, is aim for abstinence. Once you get your place, the drinking's likely to escalate and the whole thing can easily domino.

Keep up the AA. My attitude is everyone who has a desire to attend, using or not, is not only welcome, but encouraged to feel at home. Sobriety is a process and we get stronger and more solid as we get sober time. It all adds up and makes a difference. Still, you're playing a dangerous game with intermittent use. The nature of the addiction beast, why it's so tragic, is we get sucked in and are the last to know we're in trouble.

BTY, just last night I discovered an app for AA, NA, and Alnon speaker sessions, it's very handy!
Old 04-01-2014, 15:49
phenitheman phenitheman is offline
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Re: Finally doing "good" if not "great"... sometimes don't know where to go from here

Wow, really appreciate your response. And truthfully the thought has entered my mind that when I get my own place drinking could become an issue. On the other hand though, my successes in life are really propelling my self-esteem to new levels, even if I don't feel like I truly fit in with my "AA friends" or even my "work friends" for that matter due to playing both sides. There is a good possibility that if I set the boundary in my mind, as I've done with phenibut and kratom, I'd be ok going out once a week and drinking. Although I can just hear the people in my AA groups now "What are you nuts???" Lol
Old 05-01-2014, 22:03
nickems nickems is offline
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Re: Finally doing "good" if not "great"... sometimes don't know where to go from here

I won't write much because It'sOn said it all really but i think your next step is to cut out this intermittent use, it will hold you back and it would not surprise me if this is the thing missing in your life.
Old 07-01-2014, 00:34
phenitheman phenitheman is offline
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Re: Finally doing "good" if not "great"... sometimes don't know where to go from here

Ugh, I realize what your saying is probably the truth. It is difficult though. I mean I work 10-11 hours a day during the week and I kind of look forward to taking my dose on the weekends. Its like the weekends are just totally my time to unwind and mellow out from my non stop week. But it is kind of creating a vicious cycle... super busy during the week and catching a buzz on the weekends. With the damage drugs have cause in my life you'd think I'd wanna stay the hell away from them, but I'm just not ready to stop all use 100%. I am grateful though that I've really managed to take control of my life and snap out of that addiction mindset. I mean I started to use real real young. I was in my first rehab for heroin at 18. I think putting a stop to it and living responsibly for once had a lot to do with (in my case of course) maturing fully from a teen/young adult to an adult. I know addiction doesn't discriminate, but still it seems to be whats happened to me. Ok I'll stop rambling now lol thanks for the response.

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