Journals

  1. Day One- No Poppy Seed Tea

    Well, todays the day. I dosed yesterday. It was the third wash from the day before. I am doing ok physically. No real issues. Emotionally I am all fucked up. I decided to write in this journal because I have been playing around with the thought of getting some heroin. The absolutely hilarious thing about that is I have never used it. I tried injecting pills awhile back and couldn’t do that right. Thank god. So if I go get heroin, not that I know where to get it, or how to ask for...
  2. Macchu Piccu!!!

    My boyfriend surprised me with an invite today to fly me to Macchu Piccu first class to begin trying to start a family! What an incredible and awesome shock! He is there now waiting for me and will pick me up at the airport. I am going to hop the next flight to Lima and meet him. We are getting the presidential suite at the Belmont Monastery right at the top. What a dizzying excitement. I’m so glad I kicked when I did. Wish me well, friends! I am soooo happy. What a wonderful world:) PS...
  3. What I did for Tina....

    A week later, I haven't heard back from my only meth source. Phone calls go straight to "this voicemail box has not been set up." So....I did what I did last week. Found all the little surfaces that had traces of meth in them, added a few drops of water, and much like the intranasal burn it's awful but you know you're getting something so there's a good side, I guess. And now it's almost 5 and...I just really like being up at this time! Hardly any people around, just me and the sunrise and...
  4. Back together...

    I’m so excited. My boyfriend and I are getting back together. He is planning to take me on a holiday to Greece where we will try to have a baby. I’ve been clean long enough that I believe I can stay that way and he believes in me. I’m so excited! I love him so much and things are looking up. What a wonderful world life is without drugs. I’m so glad I gave them up and have him to thank for the motivation. Here’s to a family with the man of my dreams! We plan to get married once the baby is...
  5. Day One- No Poppy Seed Tea

    Well, todays the day. I dosed yesterday. It was the third wash from the day before. I am doing ok physically. No real issues. Emotionally I am all fucked up. I decided to write in this journal because I have been playing around with the thought of getting some heroin. The absolutely hilarious thing about that is I have never used it. I tried injecting pills awhile back and couldn’t do that right. Thank god. So if I go get heroin, not that I know where to get it, or how to ask for...
  6. I need to seriously end this horrible roller coaster

    I should have known better but I took my Buprenorphine too early again and spent most of today battling precipitated withdrawals. I quit the heroin around 9 pm last night, after drinking a lot of wine at a restaurant where my husband and I joined some friends. When we got home, I also decided it would be fun to make Moscow mules and justified the excess because I was not taking any more heroin and going back on the maintenance meds. By morning I felt absolutely horrible. Every bone in my...
  7. buprenorphine boogy-men

    I can't sleep. I'm driving myself mad going over my day. I hope that if I come on here to post I will be able to clear my mind and get some rest. Today I overdosed on buprenorphine with the clear intention of getting high. I have never done something like that in all my years of taking the drug. What in hell is wrong with me?? And I did get high. Not too high, but high enough. With a nice itch on the tip of my nose. Most concerning, my mom commented about how calm and easy-going I seemed...
  8. I'm Still Standing (Yeah, Yeah, Yeah)

    "you could never know what it's like Your blood like winter freezes just like ice And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use". Dope is fucking stupid. And I will always rage against the death of a friend and trusted comrade, no matter how many feet they have. But I done wearing the mask. I'm done using weed to hide from shit I don't want to face. I'm going on two weeks (maybe? I never started counting) of not smoking...
  9. Day 3 Opiate Taper using Ketamine

    65 year old woman have been on Percocet for 4 years for multiple back problems. Before that Vicodin. I have been weaning down for the past year. Now on about 8 mg/day Percs divided into 4 dose s (pill splitting, etc). Am ready to take the leap. Using alternative approaches to back pain and it’s working! I need support as am jumping off next Sunday. I want to feel again. My stomach is a mess, I get nauseated half the time I take the Percs now, miserable. Just to keep from withdrawing. Such a...
  10. B+ for effort

    So I did not completely abstain from Tina this past weekend, although it helped that my only source didn't return my calls or texts. I had a tiny bump sized amount stuck to the sides of a bottle and when it wouldn't budge, I added some water, shook it up, drank it, instantly regretted it, god that stuff tastes horrific. Which I knew, from the delightful drip that results from being too lazy to bother with any route besides intranasal. I've heard how difficult quitting IV meth can be, and if...
  11. Getting Better... to an extent, at least

    I would like to take a moment to thank all of you for your positive comments, support, and reassurance regarding my situation. I have started my "rehab"/therapy program through work and, while it has certainly helped, I still have a long way to go. After getting caught at work, I'm still drinking everyday but slowly trying to taper off. I was able to take a couple days off last week to focus on my health and attempt to detox a bit( because my boss is cool as fuck). I'm going to go off on a...
  12. When I first met Tina..

    This is about the time I first met Tina (crystal meth)... I was not new to amphetamine abuse, since I first sought out meth due to the fact that I was out of my Vyvanse script 2 weeks early, as usual. I felt that meth was "adderall on steroids" & I enjoyed the longer duration of action. My stimulant tolerance rose of course, which rendered my prescription Vyvanse all but useless. I continued to use meth by snorting mostly, and I initially was blinded by the fact that I was dependent on...
  13. tweekless weekend

    So I thought my partner* and I were out of meth, then he found a sizeable stash. Not sure how much he's used of that, but I am determined to get through the weekend without using any. I've noticed I do that thing--sticking my tongue in a specific teeth gap--when I'm craving as well as when I'm spun. I'm trying to make it into a reminder that I need to see a dentist. I don't have dental insurance, haven't for a long time, but I don't doubt my family would pitch in for a filling or 3. My teeth...
  14. new moods and new meds (part 2)

    So much to tell you. About half a week ago, tired of being on three antipsychotics, I stopped my cariprazine cold turkey, without talking with my psychiatrist. It's an unusual move for me -- as he says, I am "hyper adherent." Here was some non-adherence. I met with him today and talked about it, he said we should just see what happens. So far I have had somewhat increased voices, but nothing too horrible. Most of the time they don't make sense any way. Cariprazine has a super long...
  15. NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE

    I just encountered a thread in the meth forum titled "Do you name your shadow people?" and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST if that's not anti-meth propaganda, I don't know what is. I have decided I will hold out as long as possible this weekend and I think the cannabis I smoked is making it a little easier. Dispensed a ton of Epidiolex today, in addition to the endless Humira and Enbrel. Do I like this job? I'm not sure I do, even though it's low-stress it's just so boring. Maybe that's why I put off...
  16. Craving a head change

    The saying if it's too good to be true it probably is...is how I am feeling with the buprenorphine. I have very little pain, I am happy, I have energy, I am sleeping well without the aid of my trazadone or cheeba chew, I exercised this morning and have been wanting to get back to food prepping and eating whole30. Why then, am I craving a head change? I am not craving opiates, but I want something to look forward to at the end of my day. A cocktail or smoking a joint would be nice but the...
  17. Coming back around...

    What has become of me? I’m taking a class to be a crisis hotline counselor volunteer. It is gonna be perfect for me. Keep me busy. Away from parties. I’m getting better. Every day. I want to get better. My life is manageable now, I’m in control. Here’s to being sober!
  18. My new therapist wants to start emdr

    Over the years I have had at least 6 psychologists. Today, I found the perfect fit. Normally, during a session I cry the whole time. I leave in tears and my whole day is wrecked. Today was different. She explained the emdr and I got very excited. She talked about grounding and mindfulness which I already practice. My homework is to create a "happy/safe" place. For weeks I have been going back and forth about rehab and buponephrine. Up until today I wasn't sure I had made the right choice....
  19. I need help getting off this crap. (Clonazepam aka Klonopin) - Part 3

    Well here I am. 3 and a half years later. I finally did it. I’m no longer taking that acursed pill. A comment in my original post now that I look back to it (some others were as helpful as well) was extremely accurate in the grand scheme of things. The comment ended with, “Never stop trying” by senorlou. This is just so spot on and truly a TLDR but I don’t think someone who has not successfully conquered it can understand. I must add my input, as my journey was not so simple. I can say that...
  20. Down to 250mgs Tianeptine sulfate....

    My progress has been slow but steady, decreasing the tianeptine, decreasing the nicotine vaping, decreasing alcohol, decreasing sugar, and increasing physical activity. I no longer crave Kratom and my desire for alcohol is also decreasing. I do have a drink after work and a drink with dinner, but most times it's just 1 or 1 and 1/2. I think the tianeptine being a tricyclic antidepressant as well as a mu receptor agonist may be causing/contributing to some weight gain. I have put on about 8...
  21. Might be starting to understand my DOC a bit better.

    As well as my...current friend-with-benefits/ex-fiance. At first, when a misinterpretation led to him breaking up with me (at festival, you're welcome, neighbors....) after the shock wore off I started to wonder what it would really be like without him. This, I believe, can be summed up in one word: boring. Not only would I be giving up a gorgeous bi twink who loves cunnilingus, thinks my body is perfect and frequently tells me so, I'd be giving up an intellectual equal who can discuss...
  22. Fighting inclinations and desires

    i never asked to be here. My story is long, sad and tragic. I'm the best-case scenario and that's not saying a lot. I never choose this life, it took me in and molded me, manipulated me, and is now trying to take over me again. I can't go out like this. I've got to do something some kind of change.
  23. Back to Temptation Island, a.k.a. home.

    I got home around 0200, thanks to a few delays. Drank about 20 oz of cold brew during the last flight but got some sleep and strangely, I feel rested. I did take lots of naps, both at my sister's house and during festival, but my volunteer work turned out to be much, MUCH, more strenuous than I'd assumed--I did a lot of hauling wood for a spectacular bonfire and got sunburned on most of my upper body despite using 50 spf sunscreen. Got a few blisters on each foot as well, also lots of bug...
  24. Darkness

    driving home from work late last night I realized what a trigger darkness is for me. I think this is because most of my past drug use occurred under the cover of night. In 2015 I would get off my shift at the hospital at 11:15 pm and make the drive to SF, arriving at midnight. The next two or so hours I would score and then get pretty high, arriving back home around 2:30 am. I would wake up and do the same thing the next day. I never learned how to chip so my days would usually be full of...
  25. I’m done...

    Broke up with my boyfriend this week. I really loved him. But; that ship has sailed. I must admit, I slipped up and used the last night we spent together. I knew it was over that night. I knew I had to tell him. He is a good man. I just don’t think I want to have a baby. So; knowing it was over before I let him in on it, I had him drop me off downtown and I raised a couple hours of hell. It’d been a long time. Stuff wasn’t particularly good, a poor facsimile, like eating a hot pocket when...
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