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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Starting a self-detox tomorrow... my story up until now.

    Hello all.. this is the first time I've posted on any website about my addiction so I don't really know the rules. My husband and I got married when I was 19 and he was 23. We both have highly addictive personalities and fell hard and fast in love with each other and substance abuse. In the beginning, we mostly used "college drugs".. cocaine, weed, ecstasy and xanax. We experimented with opiates during this time, but we enjoyed uppers more, so an addiction didnt stick. I could expand on...
  2. Rock bottom days, remembered... A shout out to the crackwhore whom I loved...

    Caroline I have a crush on this girl... she's like nothing, like no one else. She's a hooker, low down, broken but so hopeful. Her eyes tell constantly that she aspires to the whole world... she's older than me but it doesn't count... Sometimes she comes through, but mostly her eyes bleed her need. I want to fix the constant strain in her, the stress to be someone substantial to someone, all the time. I'm gonna fuck it up. Count with me... 3,2,1 I always do. Sabotage? Its more important to...
  3. beating the green day 3

    So to day 3 Last night I thought was gonna be a struggle felt wide awake and restless not really sure what time i nodded off as i think checking the time constantly doesn't help your brain switch off or knowing you've got x amount of time till your alarm goes off doesn't help either. I no I awoke once or twice through the night but in general felt like a decent nights sleep which I'm happy about.waking up this morning felt somewhat easier no ganjover to deal with just a few aches and...
  4. Flushed my oxies

    By the way, by day 9 I think (hard to keep track of time) I went home from my mothers. Gathered all my oxy's and flushed them down the toilet. I filmed the whole ritual since my ex would never had believed me otherwise. 1 hour later I had a doctors appointment and I told them to erase my perscriptions since I've already kicked oxy. Felt terrible but great at the same time. I still crave opioids and opiates every day thought. Its a concious decision not to use. Lots of love to you all!!
  5. Relapse...the one thing we try not to do, but the easiest thing to do

    Hi all, I nearly made it to 3 months clean. It was going so well, I thought I was in control of this. I stopped taking the naltrexone, my doctor told me to see if I could cope without it. It was easy, I was in charge. But then, curiosity got the better of me. It started out with a few, then a lot, and as quick as I became an addict I was back on high amounts. Again I lied to my wife, even to the point I said I would take a naltrexone to prove I’m not taking them. And I did. Let me tell...
  6. beating the green day 1 and 2

    im 27 I've smoked weed pretty much for 10 years now and feel like it's time to stop if I'm being completely honest In the last 6/12months If really noticed how much the weed has affected my personality and more recently I've noticed my memory is now starting to go abit. The personality issue is my main reason to quit over the last 2 to 3 years ive found I'm very socially anxious/awkward unless I've had a couple beers,I find myself constantly not speaking even just thinking what to say is a...
  7. Bun in the Oven?

    So, I hopefully conceived last week. Took my last tour as a professional dominatrix. I’m hanging up my heels. Baby Daddy has offered to pay my personal training. He rocks. I wanna bounce back quick. Annnnyway... I met this guy. I’m super dominant by nature... but this guy makes me wanna be totally sub. He’s completely straight - no drugs. That’s what I need. I want him to paddle me till I cry. We had amazing sex, he held me by my hair in this way; I just melted. Maybe I’ll replace...
  8. Tomorrow Is Where I Get Up Againo

    Stumbling isn't even a complete fall to the ground, it's a miss step, a tree stump you kicked while not looking down. Even so, it's still embarrassing. It still etched out a small piece of your ego and a notch from your pride. It doesn't matter how many times you trip over your own two feet, as long as you always pull yourself back up. Accept that stumble for what it is, a hiccup in the road, slowed you down for a sec but you didn't waste any time lingering or looking around to see if...
  9. Sunday 11/19/17

    Sunday 11/19/17 0005 Pack of cashews 0029 50mg inhaled. More video games. Eat 12 digestive cookies. 0100 Adam comes home from work. He brings a coworker whom I’ve never met before over. Thanks to the Zopiclone I took, my anxiety was not there. It felt how life should feel & I was happy just in that fact. Simple relief of my, would I say, crippling anxiety is enough to make me feel a high of its own. 0200 As I am...
  10. Saturday Evening 11/18/17

    (1100) Fall asleep after being up for close to three days while waiting on more Methamphetamine to arrive. The hallucinations have me flinching and are almost people lifelike in intensity. Sleep is welcomed after 25mg Trazodone, 3.75mg Zopiclone, 0.5mg Lorazepam, 50mg Gravol, 1 dab shatter, & 0.05 (half)mg Clonidine. (2021) I wake up from a solid nine hour nap. Bloodshot eyes, sunken cheeks, stinging tongue, hungering stomach, cold. I was up, with the exception of micro-nods, all of last...
  11. I have two people in my brain

    Addiction & our brains are so complex. I feel like I have two brains, with different thoughts lol. The real me wants to stay off heroin, I understand it's the right thing to do. Then I have other thoughts that say I could have a smoke for a treat or use once or twice a month. Im not going to listen to that thoughts, just more of an observation. It's amazing the length my head will go to try to talk myself into having a smoke. I know full well occasional use doesn't work for me, it would...
  12. 12 day clean

    Going to at least one meeting a day. Some days ive got sick cravings. It can be seeing a dealer, an active friend, a smell, a bad day, a bad comment, whatever. But i resist the urge and it goes away in an hour or so. Im greatful for what I have today. My ex girlfriend thinks i look great, normal pupils and healhy face colour. So im feeling good now. Lots of love to you 8all.
  13. The Present

    So where am I today? Well. Now I am currently an addict. Ironic isn't it? My childhood friend died from it, and then my dad. You would think I would know better. Truth is, occasionally when I lived with my dad, he f***ed up badly by giving me some of his pain meds when I was on my periods. My periods were TERRIBLE. I went on birth control on and off to control the symptoms, but the birth control just worsens my depression, it even made me contemplate suicide. So I had to quit it. The pills...
  14. My History

    When I turned 11, my mom and I ran away. She was tired of being hit and so was I. I wanted to be free to make friends, go outside, have a life outside the dark filthy house....(It was a VERY dirty house full of animals that were not taken care of.) We moved into a really bad ghetto though. So bad I couldn't walk home without getting beat to hell by kids of the opposite race for being in 'their turf'. As early as 15, I dropped out for fear of my life. I had a fracture in my tailbone and a...
  15. Family History

    Well. My mom came from a real horrific background. Her mother was an alcoholic, prostitute, dancer, and brought home dangerous and scary men. My mother often witnessed how her mom got her beer money, on their family couch. My mom's step dad beat her, molested her, starved her. While her mother just shrugged it off because she was too scared to lose the only man that would stay with her. My mom's entire side of the family was extremely wicked. I have nothing to do with any of them. As my...
  16. This week

    Well I haven’t bought any more meth, or a new pipe so I guess it’s been since oct that last smoked. Feel pretty good overall, but the wanting it still comes and goes allot. Mainly I think because I associated it with sex. Well I’m busy working on the house on my day off and just keeping myself moving and occupied in a good way. Hope everyone is doing good and that the day is a great one for all.
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  17. Day 3...

    My ex has infiltrated the site, and stalks me from it. I could ban his handle from me, and my journal. He’d only create a new one. It’s his way. Sent me a lovely goodbye letter, wherein he leaves me to start a family with his lovely blonde admirer. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. I lay a wreath on the grave of our relationship, and turn back to my husband. Maybe there is a woman out there waiting for me. Who knows. But either way, I cannot continue my journal, as he now,...
  18. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  19. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  20. On the edge already....

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby. But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer. It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My...
  21. Last day of debauchery...

    I woke up this morning the last day I won’t be pregnant for the next 3/4 of a year (I hope). Insufflated 3 Perc 15’s and went to lunch w a straight friend. Paid off the man from yesterday and convinced my friend to let me hit a $60 while he drove back roads. First hit was strong. So typical me, I hit a bigger one. Held it in. Suddenly, the voices rose around me in a cacaphony, and they were after me. Things around me in the truck wavered and moved, insuinating they were indeed there. I drew...
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  22. What I call voices?

    When I said I hear voices..... I really don't hear anything. It's just the thoughts in my head that seems like voices. Some thoughts dominate others and become very "loud". Sometimes making it very difficult to attenuate. If this happens. Most times I remember, after some time, to just be still, taking very deep breaths, matching the exhale to the inhale. Trying to clear my mind, somewhat. Of course it would depend on where I am at the time. Now that I'm getting cleaner the thoughts are...
  23. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  24. Why couldn't I stay away from the ex for good?

    They say it takes five to six attempts for someone to leave a violent relationship, so I'm pretty much at the limit. It sucks, every time there's any communication, it always ends with verbal or physical altercations. It wasn't all bad, but most was. With the exception of a few weeks at a waitressing job I didn't try very hard at, I refused to contribute a cent after almost three years of doing so, the breaking point being in jail for a few days. I just wonder how people who've put...
  25. Day three?

    Day three or whatever of recovery. Date is November 12th, 2017 Woke up energy medium. Put a few milligrams in a bowl and smoked it. 6 hours later did another 3 mg. 4 hours later did another 3 mg. That's about 9 mg all together. I would be more than satisfied with that. Right now I'm able to keep my mind off of it when I don't have it available. But if this new shipment comes in, that I've already paid for, I will keep reducing with that. Right now it's unbelievable that I have reduced this...
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