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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. The Present

    So where am I today? Well. Now I am currently an addict. Ironic isn't it? My childhood friend died from it, and then my dad. You would think I would know better. Truth is, occasionally when I lived with my dad, he f***ed up badly by giving me some of his pain meds when I was on my periods. My periods were TERRIBLE. I went on birth control on and off to control the symptoms, but the birth control just worsens my depression, it even made me contemplate suicide. So I had to quit it. The pills...
  2. My History

    When I turned 11, my mom and I ran away. She was tired of being hit and so was I. I wanted to be free to make friends, go outside, have a life outside the dark filthy house....(It was a VERY dirty house full of animals that were not taken care of.) We moved into a really bad ghetto though. So bad I couldn't walk home without getting beat to hell by kids of the opposite race for being in 'their turf'. As early as 15, I dropped out for fear of my life. I had a fracture in my tailbone and a...
  3. Family History

    Well. My mom came from a real horrific background. Her mother was an alcoholic, prostitute, dancer, and brought home dangerous and scary men. My mother often witnessed how her mom got her beer money, on their family couch. My mom's step dad beat her, molested her, starved her. While her mother just shrugged it off because she was too scared to lose the only man that would stay with her. My mom's entire side of the family was extremely wicked. I have nothing to do with any of them. As my...
  4. This week

    Well I haven’t bought any more meth, or a new pipe so I guess it’s been since oct that last smoked. Feel pretty good overall, but the wanting it still comes and goes allot. Mainly I think because I associated it with sex. Well I’m busy working on the house on my day off and just keeping myself moving and occupied in a good way. Hope everyone is doing good and that the day is a great one for all.
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  5. Day 3...

    My ex has infiltrated the site, and stalks me from it. I could ban his handle from me, and my journal. He’d only create a new one. It’s his way. Sent me a lovely goodbye letter, wherein he leaves me to start a family with his lovely blonde admirer. I hope she has better luck with him than I did. I lay a wreath on the grave of our relationship, and turn back to my husband. Maybe there is a woman out there waiting for me. Who knows. But either way, I cannot continue my journal, as he now,...
  6. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamine levels in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a ladder as if when you dont get enough dopamine (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case then all addicts are born with an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  7. Dopamine

    Just wondering. Aren't all addiction linked to a lower dopamin level in individual's. From food addiction to alcoholism, cannabis, amphetamines, cocaine and opiates. There seems to be a latter as if when you dont get enough dopamin (and other signal substances) you just up the drug or use more of it. If this was the case the all addicts are born wit an insufficiency in their signal substances?
  8. On the edge already....

    My boyfriend just broke up with me because I am trying several days in a row to get pregnant with the donor instead of just one. It didn’t work last month just trying one day. Medical lit shows the few days up to ovulation are the best to try during. So it shall be. I need this baby. But his leaving me is making me want to go get 10’s fiercely. I just asked my pharmacologist friend if it will affect the conception. Awaiting his answer. It’s best we break up before the pregnancy. My...
  9. Last day of debauchery...

    I woke up this morning the last day I won’t be pregnant for the next 3/4 of a year (I hope). Insufflated 3 Perc 15’s and went to lunch w a straight friend. Paid off the man from yesterday and convinced my friend to let me hit a $60 while he drove back roads. First hit was strong. So typical me, I hit a bigger one. Held it in. Suddenly, the voices rose around me in a cacaphony, and they were after me. Things around me in the truck wavered and moved, insuinating they were indeed there. I drew...
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  10. What I call voices?

    When I said I hear voices..... I really don't hear anything. It's just the thoughts in my head that seems like voices. Some thoughts dominate others and become very "loud". Sometimes making it very difficult to attenuate. If this happens. Most times I remember, after some time, to just be still, taking very deep breaths, matching the exhale to the inhale. Trying to clear my mind, somewhat. Of course it would depend on where I am at the time. Now that I'm getting cleaner the thoughts are...
  11. Clean time.

    So enough with the lies. Been clean for 9 days and its all been good. After 1 slipup. Feeling ok most of the time but today i got some sick cravings and by some miracle o didnt act on my thoughts. Been to NA meetings 5 days in a row. Feels as i need them. Still weak as hell. Wonder when my testo bounces up again. Feels a little better but not like before. Lots of love!
  12. Why couldn't I stay away from the ex for good?

    They say it takes five to six attempts for someone to leave a violent relationship, so I'm pretty much at the limit. It sucks, every time there's any communication, it always ends with verbal or physical altercations. It wasn't all bad, but most was. With the exception of a few weeks at a waitressing job I didn't try very hard at, I refused to contribute a cent after almost three years of doing so, the breaking point being in jail for a few days. I just wonder how people who've put...
  13. Day three?

    Day three or whatever of recovery. Date is November 12th, 2017 Woke up energy medium. Put a few milligrams in a bowl and smoked it. 6 hours later did another 3 mg. 4 hours later did another 3 mg. That's about 9 mg all together. I would be more than satisfied with that. Right now I'm able to keep my mind off of it when I don't have it available. But if this new shipment comes in, that I've already paid for, I will keep reducing with that. Right now it's unbelievable that I have reduced this...
  14. Still waiting

    Well I haven't quit yet. I seem to be waiting for something. I just use, feel OK for 10 minutes, then just wait. I wait for tomorrow so I can try to quit again. I am going crazy doing this, and I have to just do it. I looked for work today, and found some, but I can't start work before I rid myself of this fucking destroying habit of mine. It's completely destroying what I have left of a life. I'm glad I can write here and vent. I feel like I am talking to someone, and I need that. I feel...
  15. Topic #1 Being BPD...

    Being BPD... I like topics, I can write mountains of words if I had a new topic to write about each day. Otherwise my thoughts come out as random bits of nonsense, or so sporadic as my moods shift minute to minute or day to day. Oh the joys of being BPD. My first topic... Borderline Personality Disorder.... I could probably lists all the criteria to meet this diagnosis, but it would be far more time efficient for those who actually take the time to read my ramblings, to utilize the power...
  16. Blahhhhh....

    ALL I want in life is just to be happy.And others to be happy as well.Why is it so difficult for me?Especially for me. The more I try to slide through my stupid situation so that everyone would be satisfied, the worse it actually gets.Now my girlfriend is not talking to me and I do not even have a clue why. I do not read minds, so I just do not understand this silence and ignorance from her side. If she would have said anything, we could work on the situation. But now I have to guess from...
  17. Lesser of two evils???

    I don't want to leave, but I don't want to stay... Every day it's a fucking battle. Every day it's her trying to control the situation. I can't tell her no about something without an endless stream of bull shit. I don't have to explain my answer, but if I don't I'm this rotten ungrateful bitch. It's not her damn business why I don't want to do something, she hasn't earned the right to know me, because she doesn't give a shit unless it serves her. Ah fuck it. I'm just venting now which...
  18. The things that hit the hardest...

    Everything. Everything I have been through the last year, 3 years, 8 years, 38 years.... Everything points to one person. The most toxic person to ever be in my life. My mother. So I have mommy issues... I'm not sure how that works in a mother-daughter relationship, all I've ever heard take of is daddy issues. And anytime someone mentions a mother-daughter relationship it always entails an ahhh... Response. Like they can possibly understand because they argue with their daughter or...
  19. My recent paranoia... Wanting to make me to quit.

    Sometimes I wonder if anyone else experiences life, close to how I do. Then I get sucked into DF reading the exact same experience as happened in my life that I had forgotten about! Some thoughts on my recent experiences... I thought I had everything figured out in life. Then I forgot to write it all down. I remember some of it though. With the help of some of the supplements that I take. So my aim here is to recreate some of those thoughts. I realized the hold that my...
  20. Days 15 & 16: Pure hell for pain

    I read that too a while back. Mega huge doses of vitamin C in a study of homeless addicts. They were almost completely completely relieved and this guy/Doctor I think? Had them coming to him for more vitamin C like they were feening for it instead. His success rate was huge. Another rehab leader in the field tested it. Ultimately finding it worked all too well and because of this the people didn’t need rehab. They said too many jobs would be lost and vitamin C was never looked into again....
  21. Off methadone symptoms really starting now

    Hi @Lozzie81 Thank you for your message! I’m not sure how my journal became overtaken by this ibogaine discussion that clearly does not apply to me, but ,,,,, Not you Lozzie!! Lol I saw my daughter yesterday it was sooo nice to catch up. She’s grown up now and so mature~~ and frighteningly soo much like me! Lol My husband and are both stubborn RNs. I’m very much aware of the risks and so is he. It’s ultimately his decision and despite my objections he is continuing to monitor himself and...
  22. Groundhog days

    Used again. Woke up in a panic. Got some money. I have more then burnt the bridge with that family member now. I sorta hope so. I would not dare call again I think.. But one thing I did today was got something out of the pawn shop, and gave the rest of the money to my spouse. I basically threw out the security I had for tomorrow's drug day. I am proud of that. I think I am getting closer to ending my never-ending party. My buzz was dull and I was fulfilled for about 5 minutes. I had a good...
  23. Today went well. But

    Today went well at work. But there is a catch. I am very sad today. My whole body was wracked with pain on waking. I have a few grams left so I put a few milligrams in my coffee. I think I now am going to wean myself off. I just can't take the pain right now. When I say a few milligrams, I mean a few milligrams. Just enough to fill the tip of a small straw when dipped into the bag of powder and sprinkled into my coffee or water, every few to four hours. Just enough to call back the...
  24. That damn paranoia and The Voices!

    I think I was freaking meth nuts or something. Just getting finished at work and everything went smoothly today. That was my status entry yesterday. But this morning I again have doubts. You see I have been doing two people's work. Saving the company from hiring another employee. All through the use of Meth. But it is so different now. I recently have trained a few new employees to help me. But I could not slow down after getting used to doing those two jobs by myself. I have tried my best...
  25. On choosing to quit and go clean.

    I'm sorry but I've been clean on and off baring a gram or two here and there, for 15 years now. Okay it wasn't exactly clean but it wasn't a bunch of binges either. That is after my first and only year long bing, when I met some good connections, through a woman I met. Until I got busted. Another long story. Up and until this year. A couple times a year. Much of sobriety was do to unavailability. Well I've come to a point, again, to where I want to try to come clean again. Two or three...
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