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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Still smoking...

    Still smoking. Yesterday I was on trip so I smoked few minutes before going to sleep, but I couldn’t resist, even though it was very nice day. The addiction is such a destructive "friend", it’s like a tyranny of own mind. It distracts me from what is really important for me in life and by that it robes me of experiences and qualities I want to embrace in that life. I committed to live a certain life, so then why I’m not doing it? I will keep asking…
  2. Killing heroin or killing me

    Well I got pretty low. I have no more money or cigarettes. Barely any food. My father disowned me and my spouse is suffering because of me. I've also embarrassed myself countless times with family members and old friends. I almost lost everything. I am very glad to have my spouse and cat. I think it's really time to stop this. Tomorrow is my final attempt to quit this, at home cold turkey. If I cannot, I will find a way to force it down my throat, like hitchhiking to nowhere. I've done it...
  3. Insight about my "ideal (addiction-free) day"

    Yesterday was really good day. This is record from journal: Today I had a great day, I did my priorities, then had personal gym training session for my back, then immediately work with client … and suddenly it was 3-4pm and I was totally serotonin / oxytocin filled up so much that I didn’t even crave the weed AT ALL … I did it because we had some .. I didn’t have craving though!! It’s a situation I haven’t experience for long. What it tells me about how can I live addiction-free life? That...
  4. Cut dosing in half.

    The last two days I have been making do with half the usual codeine. That's 10 pills total per day, times 40 mg doses. Modifying behaviour too not giving in to those urges to over do it when I don't think I need it. The kava kava paste is a wonderful masking agent for w/d, and I barely notice the drop. And I don't even have any other things to take with it. But I am getting some hashish tomorrow because right now I don't want to give that up. I don't smoke much at all but when I don't...
  5. Day twelve (12)

    I haven’t updated in a feed days. Nothing suss just been busy! I’m still feeling good! Everyday I wake up with a little more energy. Today is a strange day. I’m having some serious cravings! My first thought when I woke up was “fuck, I wanna get high!!” Thankfully I can’t just pop down to the shop and get some because I reckon I would have for sure!! The cravings are so bad tho! Im thinking ok well I can’t get codeine, what can I get? I want a buzz of some sort. I don’t know how to curb...
  6. More delay...

    I’m less and less connected to my values as I smoke weed longer and longer. I see the pattern. It’s very obvious. By smoking I’m robbing myself of all the good stuff I can experience in life when I would live in integrity. As I smoke, I’m still overeating, I’m still overusing stimulants (not too much, just "enough" to make me unhappy about that) and I’m totally not at my best to lead my business and serve my customers (what makes me feel guilty). It’s so frustrating. Yesterday, in one...
  7. Going home

    I have my ticket purchased and will be going back to colorado this weekend. This is something that didnt come easy. I have a lot of people here but this place is killing me. There are to many memories here that keep haunting me. Besides the mountains is the best place to meditate. I hate this place I'm in and I hate this town. I have nothing left here but bad memories. It used to be good but not any more.
  8. Fail often, fail a lot ... and so I did

    So, yesterday I failed hard, I went for weed, and I went there actually two days ago, but yesterday we smoked with GF from the beginning of a day. Right now I wrote a message to my friend who is recovery coach and I will ask her for support in assisting me with this change, because I won’t do this on my own. I’m of course overeating right now again, because that’s what weed does to me best — it makes me weak .. and I’m in the habit of procrastination as well. But I see how it’s strongly...
  9. I need to find my strength within myself

    I donk know how I'm going to overcome this but I refuse to give up. Hopefully moving closer to family and and being able to spend time in the mountains will help me find myself again. I always was able to find piece there. The mountains are a magical place.
  10. Got my kava kava paste today.

    When I got up at 6pm yes 6pm and checked my mailbox there was a little box sitting on the arms of it. And it sure was a nice little surprise. Two little jars with this hard greenish paste inside, each jar a half ounce...this is quite pure kk, the strongest they make...tried a little bit on the tongue, made it very numb. Then took my usual morning dose of codeine and took a pea size chunk and kinda chewed it up with a swallow of hot tea. It is very much like taking a Valium. Another...
  11. My life went downhill fast

    I absolutely hate this drug. It's taking everything from me and yet I still keep going back to it. It usually starts with the constant negative thoughts in my head that keep drawing me to it. It's the only thing that makes my mind stop racing and thinking about the things that torment me. I've never let it get this out of control but it's when I'm this out of control that I feel the most comfortable. I have burned all my bridges and am left with nothing sitting here waiting for the rest of...
  12. Baseline 2,0 Phenibut!

    I feel great today. And have not freezing in three weeks!! I don´t know if it´s the Lithium doing it´s work or what. I have not wrote anything in my journal because I wanted to wait until I was on 2,0. I keep writing this journal more frequently now when on the magic dose :) peace out my friends.
  13. Day 9 - 1

    Today was another good day! Last night I slept like 8 hours (broken thanks to a baby that hates sleep haha) I woke up very stiff! But the brain fog has lifted, there’s no more pain, RLS is definitely slowing. I wasn’t feeling full of energy but I don’t expect to be sonits fine. I started the day with a very light cardio workout and stretching. Had breakfast with a friend. Did my chores. All the mundane things no one wants to hear about but for me they are a major accomplishment, I...
  14. Should I visit my Doctor?

    Hi there, ...so, another really cold frigid day here in Ns. i was sure it was my kava kava that had come and I had a parcel notice in my mailbox for. So I pole walk down to the post office and it wasn't my kava kava, it was some stupid envelope from 'pardons Canada'...they had sucked me in to paying them almost 300 dollars before I FINALLY\ got wise and realized that they were one of dozens of legal firms here in Canada who can help Canadians who want to pay to get their record wiped...
  15. Cold Turkey / True Freedom

    I almost failed yesterday. Only my girlfriend helped me, but I’m embarrassed about how weak I am. Today I will ask a friend who is professional "recovery coach" for her help. I won’t do this alone, and I don’t want to, I want to ask for help, I need to and I choose to. I’m still fighting with myself today, from the moment I woke up, but I found great reason not to quit this goal: If I will stick to this, if I will live and face the world "cold turkey", this point in my life will be just...
  16. yep Imma pullin' outta Dodge...

    As John Wayne might have said. I'm moving to the city this spring. So I went for a pole walk earlier, man was it ever cold! This was a nice long outing with another stop for coffee and a duck into the pub (no ale, thanks) and a chat with a fellow I know about his wife who's been brainwashed by some couple from Detroit area..and she ran away from her husband and daughter and new grand daughter to be down there and he can't get her back because she now calls them mommy and daddy. She's...
  17. Day 8-1.

    I slept! It took me a while but I finally fell asleep and I slept like a log! Probably 6 hours. Success! I feel probably 10x better than yesterday obviously lol. In much better spirits! I’m pretty certain I’m now in paws. Some rls Not full of energy but not feeling sick. My only issue today is indigestion which is somewhat unrelated. I get really really chronic indigestion and have to be very careful about what I drink. I’m sure that’s due to my pill abuse. Done some damage to my...
  18. Still fighting myself

    Well I made one last artsy thing before I decided to fight again. Today is just a write off. So tomorrow, again I will wake up in hell. I don't know how I can tackle this I'm already so depressed. I will try to just stay a week in bed I have to , for a short while, just forget about anything else. It is so important I get off of this right now it's nuts. My life really depends on it now. I'm just so tyred of repeating the same old shit. I'm at the end of the line here. Tomorrow if I find the...
  19. here’s what happened

    okay guys. so saturday night i was having a sleepover with some friends (names are bella, sophie and a guy named jake) and around 9:30am we were planning on doing dabs. i got to the friends house at about 5:00 in the morning because i was at another friends house. we stayed up all night (took a nap for 1-2 hours) and then a guy who we aren’t too close with (he’s a nice guy) and his friend picked us up to do dabs. we drove to an open area where nobody really drove to do it. we hit it out of a...
  20. Tapering down.

    yes i am tapering down..i get my kava kava paste tomorrow perhaps that will fill in the gaps a bit. Didn't get my pole walk yesterday but am going out shortly here this evening. I need it like medicine. Am feeling better now no back pain or headaches, AND I have reduced my intake..double win. Keep it up.
  21. Day 7 -1 update. 9pm

    So I longed for bed all day but of course with 2 tiny humans I couldn’t just sleep the day away. Get the tiny tots to bed tonight and head straight to my bed! Head hits the pillow and my mind goes “oh hello there! Let’s chat” omg fuck off no I don’t want to chat I want to SLEEP! I asked my partner to get me some OTC sleeping pills to help tonight.... he brings home a fucking multivitamin! Yeah cheers mate!! That will do absolutely fuck all! I shouldn’t bash him I know but I’m just so...
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  22. True Power = Facing The World "Cold Turkey"

    It’s 12/02/2018, Monday. Below I will have my goal / commitment. Just for the record, what triggered this decision? It was a realization that for last week I totally lost the momentum I’ve build in last month by starting to smoke weed again. I’ve had numerous incidents of upset stomach from amounts of food that I ate while being high, I’ve had negative emotions of guilt, frustration, blame, hopelessness, fear, stress, I’ve missed few meetings important for my business; and this was just a...
  23. Day 7 minus 1.

    I didn’t sleep, not even for a minute. I can’t believe I laid there for 8 hours and my mind wouldn’t shut off. Rly kicked in in the wee wee hours of this morning. I am genuinely not sure I’m going to manage today. I feel awful but I’m sure that’s because I haven’t slept. Hopefully I get lots of power naps on the couch. Really random and very embarrassing thing happened in those 8 hours tho. Being a basically anonymous site I’m ok to share... sort of lol. But opiate withdrawals day...
  24. Another attempt

    Well tomorrow I will be trying again to quit heroin. I have been using after relapsing in March of last year. I have trying many times to quit, and have wanted to the last 5 or 6 months. This is hard to do, holy shit. I have totally lost my mind. I am no longer normal at all. Normal meaning a person who can function in life at a minimum level. The bare essentials. Thank god I have my spouse or I'd be in the streets. I have to make this work. I was sick one night a few days ago, and I...
  25. And life goes on...

    Good afternoon; It is a rainy, dull day here in Nova Scotia, Canada. I slept most of the day because I didn't get to sleep until 6 am this morning...it might have had to do with a coffee I had lastnight at the market. Plus I went for another pole walk lastnight. That's three in a row. Still taking 40mg doses of codeine to keep from being miserable, with the intention to taper when the symptoms get better. Have to feel the pain to get the gain...taking higher doses just pushes my...
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