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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  • Todays battle

    So i've been seeing on here that this might be a good outlet to use for going through hard times in recovery so I thought I'd give it a shot. Today was one of the hardest days for me to stay sober. The biggest issue is I don't even know why today was so hard. The constant noise between my ears maybe? One thing I...
  • catching up on the past few months...

    well its been like 2 months since ive posted in here, i was in a terrible state of mind when i posted this, so i went ahead and changed the title and all. when i started this journal, i was focusing on quitting ciigarettes becaue they are so expensive, and, it seemed like a huge problem at the time. still is, but i...
  • Times enemy

    When our lives are spinning out of control and all the pocket watches passing by us never slow Do we see the warnings floating by or are we moving to fast to see with our little eyes? Can't stop Can't sleep Can't feel Can't think. When our excuses are feeding the diseases and the hands on the clocks are counting...
  • Closing one door to open another

    Today was my last day at my current job. It was sad to leave everyone that I have grown to love like family. On to my new journey with a new career. I'm anxious to get started but a little nervous that I might screw up and disappoint everyone. All through my life I have been going full speed, all or nothing in...
  • Making it through... one last night.

    Making it through... Questions and no answers, Elements left untold, Sitting all alone again, Wondering how it unfolds. Darkness in my mind, Heaviness on my soul, Broken is my heart, Pieces not all whole. Nightmares infest my dreams, Visions while I'm awake, Robbing all the light, Sorrow I can't forsake....
  • I'm done now.

    @aemetha I saw your advice and mulled it around. I found some of my old stash, it wasn't much, just an eighth. I did a acetone wash and to my surprise (being facetious) I didn't even have a 16th. Anyways, I threw out the new stuff that was making me sick. And your right, I have to commit. I can't do the tapper...
  • Quitting gradually?

    Today I came to conclusion, that stupid as it sounds, but if cold turkey does not work, I will try to use with longer and longer gaps ( Tappering dose would not work for me for sure), wich seems perfectly reasonable and accetable. Like at the beginning only on weekends, then one day of the weekend, then one day...
  • Oxy bout. Round 13

    Hello everyone, Day 34. This morning woke up just feeling.... Good, I know hard to believe... And worked up enough energy early to start just kickin butt on chores. And I hate chores lol. Trying to get the house looking good again. Which seems impossible with 2 kids... But I'm doing what I can, and really only...
  • Feeling tired

    I keep thinking that if I just try that nasty shit again, it will be better. That I might get a good piece or something. I know this is not rational. I just can't bring myself to throw it out. Why? Why? I'm tired today. But I have to get through this, I know I can. I've done it before and I know I can do it again....
  • I fell off the wagon, and it wasn't worth it!

    So I had about 25 days clean when I ran into some shit. Yes, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time..........or the wrong place at the wrong time! I think the later. Anyways, I like to smoke it, so I loaded a bowl. It started to turned brown after the second hit. And continued to get darker...
  1. Loving Life

    Hi all who take the time to read this. It's been over 2 mths since I stopped using meth and I truly have no urge to use it or any drug ever again. I've been able to do 2 drug tests for my solicitor to prove to the court that I'm straight and I feel great. I look back and wonder why I used and why would I trade the daily happiness which is my life now for the existence my life was previously? Not going to happen. I've just got my RSA and RSG to get work whilst I'm studying for my Diploma in...
  2. 1,5 gram.

    Yesterday I went to the gym for the first time in weeks.. It felt really good :) I have lots of physical symptoms that I never get used to.. Every morning I have big bags under my eyes and my head feels like it´s to small for my brain.. like a very bad hangover.. I still have some effect from my dose.. now 1,5, that get me relaxed for a couple of hours. Today It was a week ago since last time I took Diazipam so I´m thinking I will take 20 mg of that instead of zopiclone.. Seems like I have...
  3. Day#2

    In my almost 41 years alive Ive tried alot of different drugs. The only habit that was difficult to kick was my opiate addiction. The cold sweats, nausea, vomiting, physically feeling sick IT SUCKED! I havent touched opiates in almost 4 years, I dont ever want to go through that again. With meth it's messed up, Its more like a head trip! Im on an emotional rollercoaster. Im not sure what i feel or how i feel. Its like I'm an empty shell of my former self. Im unable to seek professional...
  4. Todays battle

    So i've been seeing on here that this might be a good outlet to use for going through hard times in recovery so I thought I'd give it a shot. Today was one of the hardest days for me to stay sober. The biggest issue is I don't even know why today was so hard. The constant noise between my ears maybe? One thing I know for sure is I have found temporary relief, helping others going through struggles. Its funny, throughout my years battling addiction, I have used many outlets to achieve...
  5. catching up on the past few months...

    well its been like 2 months since ive posted in here, i was in a terrible state of mind when i posted this, so i went ahead and changed the title and all. when i started this journal, i was focusing on quitting ciigarettes becaue they are so expensive, and, it seemed like a huge problem at the time. still is, but i have bigger problems. since starting this journal ive been seeing my psychiatrist regularly again. i actually follow his orders to, im on depakote again, 1000 mgs a day, also...
  6. Down to 1,6.

    Hello. I have not took any Diazipam since Thursday! I had some weird body sensations like I´m passing out or something.. and I guess my extra anxiety can be blamed for this also. But it feels good I´m not hooked HARD to Diazepam like I thought.. I will give this another few days the I can take it once a week or something.. when skipping Zopiclone for instance . These two days has been ok:ish.. waiting for a friend of my mother to get here someday so I can move to Stockholm again! To move...
  7. Times enemy

    When our lives are spinning out of control and all the pocket watches passing by us never slow Do we see the warnings floating by or are we moving to fast to see with our little eyes? Can't stop Can't sleep Can't feel Can't think. When our excuses are feeding the diseases and the hands on the clocks are counting down seasons Do we know which way is up or down or are we lost to everything and everyone around? Can't stop Can't sleep Can't feel Can't think. When our motives are driving in...
  8. seems like I have a benzy addiction on top of my Phenibutfukkup.

    Hello my friends! Under all this time I´ve tapering I have also used Diazipam and zopiclone. But i have not used diazipam every day, zopiclone almost everyday but I have quit that drug with no serious issues many time before. My Diazipam using have looked like: 00mg 30mg 20mg 0mg 0mg 20mg etc. Soo.. I deiced to see I was in for a rough rides and took a few days break.. after to days my anxiety grow higher, but could not deiced if it was the phenibut withdraw or benzo.. fifth day I have a...
  9. Au Revoir

    In conclusion.
  10. Closing one door to open another

    Today was my last day at my current job. It was sad to leave everyone that I have grown to love like family. On to my new journey with a new career. I'm anxious to get started but a little nervous that I might screw up and disappoint everyone. All through my life I have been going full speed, all or nothing in every thing I do. Even without meth. But this time I will have a lot of pressure on the new job. And will have to be at the top of my game. Not the best time to quit meth AND start a...
  11. Tuesday morning and I'm using for 24 hours now

    I didn't go to work today as I am so high it would have been impossible. I've done this before. Go to work high but not as high as I am now. I'm near at 2.5 grams right now and I have a half spare. I am hoping I won't need to consume it now as I have limited time until I'll havd to be at home. I will have to be at home at 6:30 pm. And appear as if I'm just coming home from work. Am in a hotel room alone and trying to jerk off but it's not possible. I would appreciate someone to chat...
  12. Making it through... one last night.

    Making it through... Questions and no answers, Elements left untold, Sitting all alone again, Wondering how it unfolds. Darkness in my mind, Heaviness on my soul, Broken is my heart, Pieces not all whole. Nightmares infest my dreams, Visions while I'm awake, Robbing all the light, Sorrow I can't forsake. Balancing on this edge, Gasping through my tears, Pleading a single hand, Falling with my fears. Defeated I've no will, Demons I can't fight, Haunted by the past, Surrender just seems...
  13. I'm done now.

    @aemetha I saw your advice and mulled it around. I found some of my old stash, it wasn't much, just an eighth. I did a acetone wash and to my surprise (being facetious) I didn't even have a 16th. Anyways, I threw out the new stuff that was making me sick. And your right, I have to commit. I can't do the tapper thing, I just end up saying to my self "ok, just one more hit and I'll be done." Then I look at the clock and 2 hours have past. Now, I have enough for a small bowl for tonight. I...
  14. Quitting gradually?

    Today I came to conclusion, that stupid as it sounds, but if cold turkey does not work, I will try to use with longer and longer gaps ( Tappering dose would not work for me for sure), wich seems perfectly reasonable and accetable. Like at the beginning only on weekends, then one day of the weekend, then one day every second weekend etc). I was clean this whole week, witch is accomplishment considering my daily drug abuse. First three days were pure hell, I was sweatting like I would have a...
  15. Oxy bout. Round 13

    Hello everyone, Day 34. This morning woke up just feeling.... Good, I know hard to believe... And worked up enough energy early to start just kickin butt on chores. And I hate chores lol. Trying to get the house looking good again. Which seems impossible with 2 kids... But I'm doing what I can, and really only after 34 days. I'm actually feeling. Okay/good. Like wow! Honestly I'm far from out of the woods. And I trust me I know how scary day 1 is. Shit it was a month ago. But sometimes all...
  16. Feeling tired

    I keep thinking that if I just try that nasty shit again, it will be better. That I might get a good piece or something. I know this is not rational. I just can't bring myself to throw it out. Why? Why? I'm tired today. But I have to get through this, I know I can. I've done it before and I know I can do it again. I just got a call about a job that kind of fell in into my lap, and I got the job! I start in two weeks. I'm so excited. So this is my motivation to get and stay clean. It really...
  17. I fell off the wagon, and it wasn't worth it!

    So I had about 25 days clean when I ran into some shit. Yes, I just happened to be in the right place at the right time..........or the wrong place at the wrong time! I think the later. Anyways, I like to smoke it, so I loaded a bowl. It started to turned brown after the second hit. And continued to get darker with each hit. I began to feel sick to my stomach, dizzy, and really sleepy. I noticed some dust in the bottom of the bag. So I strained the dust out. Then I tested it. It was...
  18. Day One

    I'm sitting in my bathroom, it's 2am and I'm about as far from sleep as it's possible to be. It's been 2 hours since my last line of coke, but I've been drinking mouthwash and smoking cigarettes since then. My girlfriend is asleep in the next room, totally oblivious to my current state. She knows I've got a problem, I've hidden it as much as possible but there have been times I had no choice but to admit what I'd been doing. She went out this evening with friends, and I scored more or...
  19. Oxy bout Round 12?

    DF, I don't know if this is true or not, but I think the month mark is like. The "getting off the station" point. And someone please correct me if I'm wrong. But today I was even thinking about going to the gym!?! What!?!.... Don't get me wrong. I thought about the "grip" (everyone has a different name lol) today, but maybe only a few times. Yes! I did just say that. A FEW TIMES so little I can't even remember the point where I thought about it. So if I got a month can I get a year?... I...
  20. Considering seeking a professional help (Finnally)

    I never thought that time like this would ever come- when I would be happy that there is no stuff in town. I have just hit my rock bottom (I hope that it does not get worse than this) and am finding myself shooting up every fucking day in spite of the fact of being in a situation where I am facing legal consequences.And where I can lose everything that is important to me (Not theoretically, but for real and in a short period of time). I will not discuss the situation, but the fact that I...
  21. Vicious cycle

    How do I stay clean? That's a really tough question. Getting clean is easy as fuck. Staying clean is a disaster for me. I've been through opiate withdrawals a thousand times. You would think I would have learned by now. Nope. Working, taking care of children, maintaining relationships, and battling an addiction is almost too much for me. This thing has got me by the neck and won't let go because I can't seem to say no. That's all I gotta do is say no and move on with my day. Instead I say...
  22. Oxy bout. Round 12

    Community, Yes I am still here. And still going okay... Sorry haven't posted in some time, created another thread on the recovery page with little more detailed of problems. Also writing this for Rain.... Your awesome! I don't know where you are at, or what you have been doing. But I'm in your corner! And it maybe a huge reason for this entry. Day 30, An hour ago marks a month clean. Wow.. how did I do it?... It amazes me how the body can heal after so much damage, don't get me wrong...
  23. Change in regimen

    change from 5 days doctor, 2 days weekend take-Home to 2 days doctor, 5 days take home. Time for a bit more responsibility, doc says. BBW
  24. This Is Limbo

    Don't know how many days past Don't recall the memories vast Don't ponder what the meaning would send Don't have a clue where I have been Can't see what's right now Can't think of a sound around Can't tell the time that ticks Can't feel the breeze playing tricks No plans this time No dreams unwind No seeing any goals take flight No knowing if the future is a plight... Sleeping more like I'm on army drills, with all the time to kill, and no existence to fill. Seconds, minutes, hours...
  25. A New Life is Born-Addicted to Life: One month Celebration

    i reached a month in my sobriety journey, its not my first month, but a month that was very difficult to reach. very exciting day. Today was pretty important, and yet very shocking, a relapse a couple of weeks ago was very close to accuring. It would of changed my entire future. Thank god im hear though. im understanding my god more and more everyday. im paying attention more, because it shows itself too me if i notice, and i do more often then not, but im paying more attention because at...
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