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Journals

  1. But Not A Word I Heard Could I Relate, The Story Was Quite Clear

    Well, I just came back from my Monday appointment at the VA for "counseling" As always, we started the session with a discussion of my substance abuse. And as always, I told her that I was not abusing substances and had not used in 62 or 63 days. That I had no desire to use again. That I was recently in a position to use cannabis with nobody being the wiser, and I declined the offer. That life is fucking great without using cannabis, so why would I go back? We tossed around these ideas for...
  2. Day 49; 7 weeks. High dose cold turkey sub jump

    Dont make any big decisions for at least a few months after getting clean! I went friday and bought a Duramax while my wife was at the beach. The problem here is I didnt exactly tell her I was doing it besides mentioning a few days earlier that I found one I wanted. Now I've got 2 truck payments if my old truck doesnt sell before the new payment is due. Although I'm feeling good I seem to be having these crazy irrational urges. I went out this weekend and stayed with a friend since the...
  3. The year 2010

    My history starts with the highschool period of my life. I started experimenting with Cannabis around grade 10. Which for reference was the year 2010 for me. Now Cannabis has been a massive part of my life from the moment I started using it till right now. It started as an extremely fun pastime with friends and progressed into using by myself. When I started using it personally, it became my escape into a place where the real life didnt matter, it became my saviour. Some call it a crutch...
  4. The year 2011

    The first drug I wanted to try was the hallucinogen LSD because of the foretold third eye mind opening experience. I it sought out and found a stable supply of LSD sheets (tested with drug screening test kit or DMAB) The LSD experience completely changed my mind and the way I think about everything. After LSD I tried 5-MeO-DMT. Another extremely intense mind opening experience, especially when you break through. I stayed on the hallucinogen and cannabis train for quite a while before...
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  5. You Can Be The Captain, And I Will Draw The Chart

    "Sailing into destiny...." The point being that it takes a team, which is why individual efforts often fall short. But sometimes, your team sucks! Case in point, my "team" from the VA. I drove 30-some miles last Wednesday to the Ft Collins VA clinic for the last Alpha Stim appointment, and was quite disappointed. But first, some back-story! Three weeks ago, when I first tried this treatment and committed to 3 weeks of testing it, I did the first treatment right there in the counselors...
  6. Flashbacks about the "freedom" weed once gave me

    Today we’re going to fast with my girlfriend. We will be just on water for next 24 hours. As well, we started to eat mindfully. No tv, no phones, no iPads, nothing else just food when we eat. I assume these commitments are steps towards getting my cravings for overeating under control and strengthening myself in face of addictions even more. Today should be spiritual. I already meditated for one hour and did light exercise. It will be very similar for the whole day. We’ll take it easy....
  7. My first time smoking Crack

    There are some kids who grow up in awful situations, they get physically or sexually abused, kids that have parents who are addicted to drugs,kids born in poverty, and so on. I was not one of these kids, growing up my sister and I didn't want for much, no one beat us no one touched us, we were clean well fed happy kids. We did spend a lot of time with our grandparents considering my mom worked two full time jobs and my dad was a man I had not yet had the pleasure of meeting. I didn't know...
  8. Where did the constant anxiety go?

    I’m starting to feel much less anxiety in my life. Weeks ago it was about feeling anxiety all the time and realizing I’m not anxious only sporadically or only when I smoked weed. Now I’m all right almost all the time and feeling anxiety only in few instances of a day. That’s amazing gift… I hope to have another sober day in front of me. Today I want to work with my coach on connecting with my self-respect value in regard to food, because I’m finding myself overeating and it hurts my...
  9. Cold turkey subutex jump. Day 45

    I have some mixed feelings... I'm so glad I feel better than I did on the dreaded days of that first week. I feel much much better than I did during the first 4 weeks but the lower back pain almost daily and the lower than normal energy level really really gets annoying I wake up in the morning feeling better than i did on subutex but I really dread having to wake up and get ready for work now where when on subutex I was just a robot. Maybe at times I'm just forgetting how bad subutex...
  10. Day 21 sub withdrawal

    So, I haven't written in awhile because the last 14 days or so have been about the same as the last time I wrote. At this point, I'm not sure what is withdrawal and what is a regular symptom of being 26 weeks pregnant. I have abdominal pain, back pain, extremely emotional, fast pulse (it was up to 142bpm the other day, usually hovers around 100-115bpm) and any of these could go either way. If pregnancy, man are the next 14 weeks gonna suck. I've pushed myself through the last 21 days because...
  11. About the guy who lost his finger (and stayed sober another day)

    Yesterday was really hard, I faltered. I tried to convince my girlfriend to let me buy some weed. She didn’t give in and hold my back. In past I would be resentful to staying sober because of someone else. Now I see it as gift from higher power, from universe. Few hours after that I still had cravings and I decided to get to NA meeting. She stopped to be resentful to that after our last conversation about meetings when we agreed to disagree, but concluded that we can still respect each...
  12. Sober but not clean???

    Just to give anyone that's interested an update on my situation. I went to detox on March 12th and was "weaned" off subutex. The taper ended at 2mg so needless to say I still had withdrawal. I was supposed to go to inpatient rehab but my bed fell thru. So that's when I decided if I'm gonna do outpatient rehab I'd better get on suboxone and taper down a lot lower than 2mg if I'm gonna be successful. I have slipped a couple times, mainly when I first got out but now I'm strictly taking the...
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  13. Current state of affairs

    I needed motivation to stop. Found myself a better use for the insane amount of money this habit was costing me. I still like smoking. I kind of like the idea of not smoking now too when looking at long term effects. I love having some extra money to do the things I need to do now. It was entirely motivation. Nothing to do with the pull of the drug. The first few days were hard. I used some bupropion, a nicotine patch, a taper and a vape. I found the vape wasn't helping at all, so I cast...
  14. Methadone taper depression

    Hi all I am trying to keep posting as much as I am able too! I am so burnt out on living this way... it’s so frustrating some days I understand I didn’t become this way over night and it’s gonna take awhile but I’ve been doing this for 10 years now I’ve been on the Methadone since 2013 it’s funny cause when I first stated taking it I felt like I was getting my life back I was doing the things I needed to do since I’ve been tapering which if y’all haven’t read my journal my highest dose of...
  15. Same Old Story, Same Old Song And Dance, My Friends!

    Yeah, I picked this title from my comment a couple of entries ago. Maybe just a bit lazy today, but it certainly suits the topic. Which is the occasion of my latest counseling session. We keep coming back to the topic of my previous cannabis use, for some reason. This counselor is fixated on this and seems to think that it is the root of all my evils. 57 days free from all use, and she thinks I am going to relapse as soon as I am out of her sight! Rather than talk about the PTSD issues, such...
  16. Fighting more headaches and cravings...

    Today I changed my morning little bit. I exercise first, then meditate. Legs hurt much less this way. It was great morning. Yesterday I was very close to buy weed. I didn’t verbalize it in front of my girlfriend but she had to feel it, because she asked me in the same moment I was thinking about joint the most, if we wouldn’t drop some LSD. We decided not to, but I kept thinking about weed. I am still sick and have headaches, from illness together with the cutting of coffee. But my days are...
  17. 6 weeks; 42 days clean from cold turkey subutex/suboxone

    What an awesome achievement it is to be 6 weeks clean for the first time in probably 10 years! Sadly some days I feel like I've gone backwards. Yesterday and today were both one of those days. I've felt very run down and achy with little to no energy or motivation. This seems to happen every time I have a day off work. At work I dont have a choice so I'm thinking maybe its partially mental? The 4 days leading up to these last 2 were really looking up. My energy had seemed to greatly...
  18. More of loving kindness to yourself

    Everything is little bit better than on weed, even when I have downs. Even when I have low time, it’s sustainably better, because high on weed lasts for few minutes at best. The satisfaction of self-control and living aligned with values is fulfilling in the long term. Yesterday I didn’t write report at time I wanted and then I didn’t get to it. But I was sober. It was easier day, what is interesting since it was Saturday. Weekends were my best excuse to buy weed. After first 3 weekends...
  19. He's Got A Problem With His Poisons, But You Know He'll Find The Cure

    Well, I knew it would be too good to be true. I made it to phase two of the recent job selection, but got denied at that point. It would seem that my application was subjected to a "quantative analysis review" and it didn't pass. I asked the HR lady exactly what that meant, it she said that basically it meant I didn't have enough of the "buzz-words" that would make the application stand out to a computer selection procedure. Didn't realize I would be working for a computer! Maybe I'm just...
  20. 40 days clean from sub

    Wow! 40 days! Sunday makes 6 weeks since I went cold turkey and I honestly cant believe I'm finally free! I'm feeling very very good these last few days. My energy has greatly improved over the last 4 days but it's still got a little ways to go. I've been out of town working the past 2 days and last night decided to go out to a sports bar with my coworkers and we had a blast. I felt so good and really enjoyed myself. Life is so much better and more fun when you are drug free! As hard as...
  21. Thinking about weed EVERY day

    I feel the highest self-esteem and self-respect I felt in a long time. It comes down to the fact, that I quit coffee in addition to weed and alcohol too, and I’ve got over the worst (first day, yesterday). I went from 7+ coffees a day, to Zero. :) That cut down sugar too. I feel much more in tune with my value of self-respect. I feel much lower intensity of my anxiety, if any. I’m less tense. And I have more time — to SLEEP! :) To actually rejuvenate. When it comes to weed there wasn’t day...
  22. Your Circuit's Dead, There's Something Wrong! Can You Hear Me Major Tom?

    I was feeling bad yesterday. Still having trouble with sleep and insomnia. I can fall asleep quickly enough, but wake up after about 3 hours or so. After that, I am lucky to sleep 2 hours for the rest of the night, and even that is not constant, but broken up into 15-20 minutes here and there. The dreaming is getting pretty crazy as well. The good thing (I guess) is that I am dreaming and can remember them now. I take that as a good sign that there is some healing going on. But the bad thing...
  23. Weed, alcohol, coffee - and Freedom! :)

    I did an interesting experiment tonight. Instead of having a coffee as a first think in the morning even before my meditation, I was without it. And then, I just took 20 minute nap before going on to the exercise habit. That led to much calmer and profound energy, without additional anxiety, much more satisfying. I will do it same way tomorrow! No coffee for today is the goal, together with no weed, no alcohol. This will be GREAT! … I felt little bit down during meditation, very tired and...
  24. Compassion, appreciation and feelings of safety (or fear and anxiety)

    Yesterday was a great day. Today? Again hard. And so it goes, up and down. I realized that maybe the reason I was thinking about weed so hard in previous days was because I’m sick right now. When I was sick in the past I always was smoking, to "relax myself". (I overate eventually and took other drugs most of the time too, so I ended up just more exhausted). Now I’m seeing how I don’t have to smoke just because I’m low. The same way, I don’t have to "celebrate" things by smoking, when I’m...
  25. Best insight (from night's dream)

    I had a dream yesterday. I was thinking a lot about weed during day and it reflected there. The dream was about me having a really emotional insight about how much do I actually want to be sober and how much do I want to keep my sobriety, because it’s the foundation of everything else that I want in my life. I woke up as you woke up from lovely dream, little bit disappointed that it ended. Then I realized — wait a minute! IT DIDN’T! I am sober! And it is the foundation of everything else....
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