Journals

  1. Trapped by this devouring creation

    When I started this journal, I stated at the outset that my intention was to abstain for several weeks, if memory serves. To date, that hasn't happened. I've moved the goalposts around a few times, and had greater or lesser success accomplishing shorter abstinence intervals. I'm back where I started. My goal now is several weeks abstinence, 30 days actually. It's the close of day two, and I feel fine, but I expect I'm in for the usual ups and downs and loop-the-loops. Along with the...
  2. Not sure what to feel

    Today was a tough day, and it ain't over yet. Been feeling mostly anhedonic since I woke up today, with intermittent spurts of anger and sadness. I haven't been sleeping well since I stopped drinking. Its been 14 days, but it feels like its been at least six months. Yesterday I was awake for 24 hours despite trying to relax (an oxymoronic situation, how does that shit even work anyway). Been pretty much the same situation every day, except for last thursday when i lucked out and found 60mg...
  3. Being Open To One New Idea Creates Space for New Sight. Also, it Seems that One of My Gods Cusses As Much As I Do.

    Today I accomplished part of my intentions put forth in my last journal. I was asked to work a second shift when I got to work today, so I wasn’t able to attend the AA Meeting. I do still plan to attend at least one this week. Will know when after I get my work schedule. This wasn’t on my to-do list but I secured an intake appointment with MHMR (Mental Health and Mental Retardation). It is a local nonprofit community center. A facility by the same name in my hometown is strictly for...
  4. Who is Charlie?

    In theory I would be the best person to tell you who Charlie is, what her values, morals, and beliefs are, what makes her unique, and who she is to other people - but sometimes even I don’t know who Charlie is or why she makes the decisions she has. So how do you answer a question that there is no definite answer to? Sure, Charlie is a daughter, a sister, a mother, a fiancé, an employee, a woman, she is full of intelligence and has an artist mind, she’s filled with compassion and empathy,...
  5. Remaining calm: sometimes we win, sometimes not so much...

    This is a little bit of a venting post about parenting, parenting in recovery, parenting after someone else has cared for said child, and parenting a child with a terminal illness. First and foremost, I am not in any way, shape or form, taking for granted that I have my son back, nor the fact that he so far is cancer free. Both are something that I treasure with my whole heart. With that being said, I refuse to raise a little asshole. He’s not a little a-hole, but he sure is acting like a...
  6. If I can anyone can!

    I was high on coke and vodka on a weeknight and the few months prior I really wanted to change my life around but at the same time I just wanted to curl up and die. This has been gone on for a few years now. Drinking and cocaine was my way of self harming, thinking I wasn't good enough and hating myself. I sat down at my laptop and searched for people with drug and drink problems and came across this forum. That was my cry for help. I told my family about my problems and my friends know...
  7. Nothing Clever or Cute. Time is Running Out. There Is No More to be Found

    I fell off. No excuses. No explanation that is worth the time. I am rested and sober now. Physically I feel better, but that has not changed the writing below. I was exhausted and very disappointed with myself. This bullshit has overstayed its fucking welcome. My grasp on my old years sober, my insistence that I will always “have those years of sobriety,” it is no longer a valid point. I’m tired of writing about it meth and I know y’all are tired of reading it. I feel that in the...
  8. im new at this

    hey i am somewhat nervouse to start sharing my story and my struggles with addiction, i have been a very closed off person for most of my life and i have not allowed myself to open up to anyone. i am 19 and have been struggling with a methamphetamine addiction for a while, i need someone to talk to and be there for me but i have driven everyone away from me due to my drug use. i want a better life and a better mind set. i recently moved out of my home state and had to quit due to lack of...
  9. Breaking free

    This last 24 hours have taken toll on me and my family. A lot of stems from my past living situation. I was living with a chronic Alcoholic, (who is my father). He drinks Jim beam and chases with beer. It's not a good situation with coming off meth. He starts bitchin and just won't stop. Trust me I do the laundry,take garbage out,keep room clean ect... I can literally be leading a harmless good life, but you can do everything right and he'll find something to bitch about....
  10. An undecided title...

    I have realized in the last few weeks that I rarely talk about how I am doing in recovery. Almost everything I talk about has to do with my kiddo. I get asked all the time how am I... And my answer is always the same, I’m doing good. And it’s left at that. In all honesty, I’m not sure how I’m doing. I’m sober. But I really don’t know what to say about it. I get the occasional craving for a hydrocodone when I am in pain or am dragging my butt. My two word answer to how am I, sometimes is...
  11. Relapsed

    I really can't try to justify this action. I was going to say hey at least it wasn't on meth. It was on something legal that's all I'll say on that. I had made my mind up on this relapse for at least two or three days before the actual time of the consumption. I sometimes don't want to tell family because I think some of them look at me different now a days, just for being real extreme on drugs. But I don't think a person just wakes up one day and says , "hey I'm going to be a...
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  12. still scared

    my biggest fear is not dying. not even close. i once wondered if a butter knife was sharp enough to slit my wrists. it was the sharpest thing they had at that detox. my biggest fear is not spiders, snakes, heights, or public speaking. i’m not afraid of going to jail. there have been times that i wish i would get arrested again; that society would save me from myself. i’m not afraid to lose everything on the material plane. i know how it feels to wake up on a park bench. in a shed. after a...
  13. Finding my reflection

    Yes that time has come. Everyday that passes we are getting older, and drugs take their toll on the body. Most of the time a heavy toll. I used to think being sober off "hard drugs" meant to just train your mind/mood to not wanna use them. But I learned it goes deeper. Like proper diet, it's almost key along with hydration,good environment,positive people/family, ect. It's just crazy looking back at old pictures of myself. I thought to myself how the hell did I survive...
  14. In bed all day.....

    Well I didn't use today. Although that was because I slept practically all day and didn't have the money anyway. Still pretty tired now. But I guess 2 days clean is 2 days clean. Had a couple of lovely DM's which made me feel good as I'm not alone. As my addiction us a secret at home I've had a few mean comments from kids and hubby as they feel I'm being lazy and selfish. I suffer depression and anxiety too so haven't handled these too well. Although I'm feeling positive to have found this...
  15. 7 days clean then Saturday night happened

    After 7 days without cocaine and I bought a gram for a night out. Mainly because i was tired and I wanted to have a good time. And I wanted to make sure I was lively and didn't let my friend down. She thinks I no longer use. So I kept it on the down low . Now I feel guilty and annoyed I have to start again. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel ok and not have a come down. Fingers crossed I am ok at the moment. Guess I'll update tomorrow.
  16. Up and down then up

    Manic is a word I've been hearing for years. That word scares me horribly. After coming off of meth and tianeptine sodium, a doctor at a homeless shelter/ rehab perscibed Prozac because I was loading my serotonin level up so much everyday with the drugs I was abusing. I read a journal entry of a member on this site a few weeks ago, and it was about how when you go to the doctor they just ask about the meds you're on, they don't bother to "Talk to you about your life" you Know like a...
  17. Why Do People Keep Doing Things To Me? I’m So Sad

    Ok, guys. Short entry tonight. I’m struggling badly right now. Not with staying sober but with the assault at the dentist office. I feel like I am I a perpetual anxiety attack and my meds aren’t working. Random muscle twitches and jerks really started to worry me. I got scared it was serotonin syndrome from the change in meds. So, I went to er. They told me I was just dehydrated and having anxiety. He said he was going to order Ativan, but I had no one to drive me home. I told him if the...
  18. From Down to Up Again--A New Beginning

    Hiya Pals, I'm just going to write a fairly short entry tonight (who, me?), because I have severe "Nocturnal Asthma" now, and it has been preventing me from sleeping much at all this week. I cough and wheeze and sneeze and get acid reflux all night long, and I often worry that I will literally drown in my own juices, and die a very ignominious death in my bed all alone. I was also recently diagnosed with hypothyroidism (low thyroid), and I have been on the hormone replacement medication...
  19. Having a hard time

    i recently relapse same song n dance ..what drove me this time..major depression, I ended up getting real sick went to hospital for 3 days n saw no one not even my so called wife..I’m sorry despite all of u truly care for someone wouldn’t you set aside any diff n be there for them? Maybe I’m retarded but after that we got into a fight, n she flat told me if I left no one would care to look for me. Words hurts that I can even think are true..she has bashed me to my family her friends everyone...
  20. Having a hard time

    i recently relapse same song n dance ..what drove me this time..major depression, I ended up getting real sick went to hospital for 3 days n saw no one not even my so called wife..I’m sorry despite all of u truly care for someone wouldn’t you set aside any diff n be there for them? Maybe I’m retarded but after that we got into a fight, n she flat told me if I left no one would care to look for me. Words hurts that I can even think are true..she has bashed me to my family her friends everyone...
  21. Reached 6 months clean the other day!

    I'm still at it, 186 days clean! Hard to believe I've made it. Finally closed on my house this past friday too! If I can stay clean through the stressful nightmare of buying a home then I believe I can stay clean through it all. I wont lie though, after our closing date moving 3 times and issue after issue the thought crossed my mind lol. My energy is so much better than it was, I think each month I notice a good improvement. I do notice a strange knee and ankle joint pain alot of days. I...
  22. Nothing Makes Sense and My Mouth Hurts

    Something happened yesterday that has shaken me. I’ve been trying to make sense of it. But I can’t. I’ve tossed and turned all night. Maybe if I talk about it here it will help. I went to the dentist to have a tooth extracted. I was very nervous all day. I didn’t want to go, but it had to be done. Everyone I talked to said the same thing - the worst part is the novocaine shot, and then it just feels like pressure. I looked up all the reviews for this dentist. All his patients loved...
  23. Living with a nightmare!!!

    Currently living with a serious fuckin alcoholic. My father. He drinks everynight. Whiskey and beer. He gets pretty shitfaced everynight. My meds help me to not fire back and give into such pointless arugments so much like I used to. I had to move with my brother and dad because of being homeless from using. Yes I'm so thankful not to be homeless. My dad seems to just bitch and complain about everything. Right now he's trying to pick a fight with my brother, I can hear it...
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  24. Sharing My Truth While Maintaining The Limits of Family

    I have shared my relapse with my doctor, and a couple of close friends. But, I still haven’t been able to tell my parents. We talk almost every day. And every day I tell myself that I am going to tell them. It never seems like the right time. There is no right time. I know that. I would like to tell them in person so they can see that I am sober and ok. But, the next visit home could be 3 months away. And this needs to happen sooner. It comes down to not wanting to disappoint them. We...
  25. If I could start my life from scratch...

    If I could start my life from scratch... Thirty years has passed in what seems like thirty seconds. Where does the time go? I remember my first experience with a mood altering substance like it was yesterday; marijuana with my best friend Kyle. I was twelve years old at the time. I remember being offered marijuana on multiple occasions and always refusing out of respect for my mother - I didn't want her to find out. To be completely honest I wasn't even curious about trying weed at the...
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