Journals

  1. In my fourth week of abstaining Cocaine

    Today is my 23rd day without using I am quite elated to state. The combination of Modafinil first in the morning ( 200 mg tab ) along Ritalin as per need during the day appears to continue working. A couple of days ago I was feeling so alone and depressed that I decided to do a quarter of a gram MDMA to pull my mood up a little bit. I spent some parts of the high doing Mindful Meditation and that was profound as well as quite an extraordinary experience. I held up on the urge to do more the...
  2. First NA Meeting

    So I went to ny first NA meeting this evening and don't know why I was so nervous. It was a small gathering with just 5 of us (possibly because it is Valentines Day) but they were a nice bunch, very welcoming and made me feel at ease. I definitely think it's going to be helpful and am going to go to an AA meeting at the same place on Tuesday eve (a couple of the others attend because there aren't many NA meetings in the area). Feeling much more positive overall.
  3. I smoked last night

    So I ended up acquiring a tiny bit of bud from a friend last night, it was about enough for a weak, small skin spliff. He tried to give me a bigger bud but I was adamant it was going to be a tiny bit just to take the edge off (crikey listen to me with my addict justification!). It did make me feel better but I also immediately regretted it. Was surprised how much it affected me after only 2.5 days clean and I did sleep better although I was pretty exhausted anyway and it was a night...
  4. update, moving on

    I figured it’s time for an update. It’s been 13 weeks, roughly 3 months of being clean from H. I don’t count days or weeks anymore but obviously for the purpose of this post, it’s important. I don’t really believe in time lines and all that. I’ve been clean many times before, each time, different things happen. Same with being dope sick, each time is a little different. So, I guess, it just is what it is. This time is really no different though… Although I do feel pretty good. Once I got...
  5. Made it to day 3 part 2

    Work has been a disaster this evening and I have come home early as feel terrible. That in itself isn't like me as I don't really do having time off work. The physical withdrawal has hit me like a ton of bricks and I have the worst headache I have had in years, it is migraine level pain although has eased marginally with some ibuprofen. Had a nasty wave of nausea on and off and a massive hot flush although now I feel shivery. Feel pretty mad at myself for ever getting myself into this...
  6. Made it to day 3

    Well last night wasn't great, the sweats started, not as bad as I've had in the past but still annoying. Insomnia has kicked in, not helped by my lad waking up coughing at midnight and coming into my room. He was snoring, sniffing and coughing for a lot of the night so didn't help. Luckily he is in nursery today so I'm going to attempt a bit of shut eye before I have to go to work. Feeling a bit bleugh but the tiredness isnt helping. Was hoping to feel clearer headed but that is rather...
  7. 40ish hours in

    Starting to feel a bit antsy, like I need to go run a couple of miles and burn off some adrenaline. Also clenching my teeth near constantly. I think it's anx related (induced/exacerbated by not smoking). No physical withdrawal symptoms yet but I usually start getting those about a week in. Very tired but haven't had much sleep the last few nights due to working late and poorly toddler. The toddler has been testing today but I've managed to keep my patience so pleased about that. Am feeling...
  8. Highway to hell continues....

    So, here I am again, like so many other people, passing my quit deadline. I really have to laugh at myself at this point because I feel if I don't I'll just start to cry and maybe never stop. This road of addiction is truly a nightmare for me just as it is for so many others. It has, if nothing else, been a learning experience that has kept my judgements in check. There is no doubt about that. It seems like it was yesterday when the son of an acquaintance of mine sat in the passenger's seat...
  9. Why do we self sabotage?

    I’ve been completely off heroin since Thursday. After an emotional weekend, I’m finally feeling mostly OK. I have energy. I’m not insanely depressed. But I kind of got the ball rolling on buying dope over the weekend and my money cleared this morning. My mind still isn’t completely in the right place, even though I really want it to be. I made some inquiries with dealers and I feel like I need to buy now so that I’m not remembered as someone who asks a million questions and then doesn’t...
  10. Need a new approach

    So the quit attempt hasn't gone too well, I flaked on day 2 and smoked after really struggling with rage and irritability. I then realised PMS was massively contributing to things so it wasn't the best timing on my part. Anyway, to say I'm struggling is an understatement. I think I need some more serious support so have been looking into the local drug services. I am a bit nervous of referring myself though as assume they will ask about any family and it worries me about ending up on social...
  11. I can't keep doing this.

    I took trazodone a drug I had never heard of until my nurse practitioner prescribed it. It was good for sleep, but was unpleasant when waking up. I started Lexapro today as well. I have not had any bad side affects and am hoping it helps greatly with my depression. I have talked to myself, to some great people on here, and to my wife and feel as if I should find a way to deal with the chronic pain without Oxy. Granted my thought process is FUBAR right now but it is something I have been...
  12. Would you carry on?

    I have decided that carrying on taking natural drugs is the right way for me. I still like opium which I take straight off the poppy. Which is 100% natural. I also still take morning glory and datura. The morning glory helps my mind unwind. And the datura helps me aswell. I am not addicted but the illegal drugs I have finally pushed aside and got off. I intend to keep it up. I have been using drugs for many years but just recently decided the good from the bad. I can’t believe I use to...
    Tags:
  13. Walking down the methadone dosage stairs

    Days after losing my father was when I made the decision that everyone on Methadone Maintenance Therapy (MMT) has to make some day. I began the lowering of my dose, a process that might take many months to finish. At first I was dropping down between 2-4mg after 7-14 days. Once I found myself at a dose of 107mg, I set up a tapering schedule with my counselor. Every five days my dose is lowered by one milligram. Currently, as of the 8th of February 2020 my dosage is at 99mg....
  14. 29 and a half hours

    Howzitgoin everybody! Been awhile since I've been round here. Thot I'd catch y'all up with the state of my disease. The good bad news, so to speak. 29 1\2 hours off the jalle as of this minute. Lemme tell ya, I'm countin every goddam minute, feelin every excruciating second. Cold fuckin turkey right down the line. Ugh. Some of y'all been down this this path so I ain't gotta elaborate, y'all know I'm sick as fuck right now. But I'm fuckinay doin it. I ain't gotta do it. I can end it with a...
  15. Day 3 on Suboxone only

    I finally ran out of heroin and fentanyl and am now taking 16-24 mg of Suboxone daily. I think maybe I screwed up my opiate tolerance by taking the fentanyl. I was taking it on top of roughly 4 to 8 mg of Suboxone for about a week. My doctor last prescribed 24 mg as my daily Suboxone dose, but I wanted to try 16. Right now, it seems like 20 is best. I just upped it to 24. It’s still difficult. I’m still very achy and I feel like I’m coming down with a cold. I’m out of the muscle relaxer that...
  16. Another week of abuse

    I got my pain meds this month, had a plan to take them as prescribed and ended up using all of it in 9 days. Again. I have worked my ass off this past year(2019) to get help. I went to a psychiatric nurse practitioner yesterday to get on new meds for depression. Something my therapist has wanted me to do for the last 6 months. The depression got so bad lately that I did not have too many other choices. I feel good about it and hope it works obviously. I have learned a lot, and quit a lot,...
  17. Day Job on No Sleep

    Today was a rough day. I do customer service for Medicare. It's a job that I'm actually good at. I work good with people over the phone. I've got a lot of patience and a sweet personality. Last night I shot meth for the first time in almost 2 years. I ended up finding a rig in one of my old purses a couple of months ago. Of course a couple of months ago I didn't have the thought to ever use it. I was so fucked up as it was. The meth really fucks me up. Sometimes I can't even see properly. So...
  18. Day Job on No Sleep

    Today was a rough day. I do customer service for Medicare. It's a job that I'm actually good at. I work good with people over the phone. I've got a lot of patience and a sweet personality. Last night I shot meth for the first time in almost 2 years. I ended up finding a rig in one of my old purses a couple of months ago. Of course a couple of months ago I didn't have the thought to ever use it. I was so fucked up as it was. The meth really fucks me up. Sometimes I can't even see properly. So...
  19. Day 1 part 2

    Well I underestimated how difficult today would be, or rather this evening. I realise I am dealing with nicotine withdrawal too as joint format has always been my default for smoking cannabis. Just had the most intense craving, a very strong pent up feeling of irritability in my gut, like I could literally explode into a rage over nothing, alongside that desperation for a smoke. Am largely coping by ignoring the other half and toddler as much as allowed without being completely rude. I know...
  20. Day 1 Quitting Cannabis

    The day has gone ok so far, the sun is shining (which helps) and have managed to get outdoors for some fresh air and light exercise. As evening approaches I am noticing the habitual cravings starting. Being a high functioning stoner, I've never been one to smoke until evening, once work etc is out of the way. It's been my go to way to wind down, aid sleep and de-stress from the day. So this first day has been difficult to break, hence why I find myself here, writing to distract myself...
  21. 3rd Relapse

    Hello, well I have been up for a couple of days this time. I was clean from meth for over a year until about 6 weeks ago. This is my 3rd time scoring. You see I am doing this strictly to lose weight! At least that's what I tell myself. I used to be a heroin addict so there's always that little voice in the back of my head saying "at least it's not heroin". But it is helping with weight loss so I am reaching my goals, right?
  22. 3rd Relapse

    Hello, well I have been up for a couple of days this time. I was clean from meth for over a year until about 6 weeks ago. This is my 3rd time scoring. You see I am doing this strictly to lose weight! At least that's what I tell myself. I used to be a heroin addict so there's always that little voice in the back of my head saying "at least it's not heroin". But it is helping with weight loss so I am reaching my goals, right?
    Tags:
  23. Back to the doctor's

    Lately I found I couldn't trust myself with my maintenance dose, I caught myself twice taking a morsel more than I should have (the 40 mg methadone tabs can be quartered quite easily). And I also found it handy that I am getting breathalyzed in the morning. That prevents me from drinking in the evening. I found I was having stress with several parts of German bureaucracy, unemployment agancy and health insurance. This being at the same time as I used more than I should have and that I...
  24. Was almost ready to quit, then found a bag of heroin

    I’m almost there but it’s beginning to seem impossible to quit. I have trouble seriously setting my mind on it, so much so that I’ve thought about giving up again. It’s becoming tedious and disappointing, and I haven’t even quit yet. The thought of it, and the delay, it’s like a chore hanging over my head, a looming loss either way. It would have perhaps been easier to totally derail when my trip was postponed and redo my Suboxone induction later. But I’ve remained on a low dose of Suboxone...
  25. Back on Suboxone but still trying to quit the damn fentanyl

    I think I’ve at least made a step in the right direction by getting back on Suboxone. Unfortunately, that’s where my success ends so far. I didn’t really taper while making the transition and I also started using fentanyl. Travel would have saved me. I was supposed to fly out of town for work this week but the project was postponed. My plan was to dump the fent before the trip. I was afraid to keep it because it’s two or three times stronger than my normal heroin and if I relapsed I thought...
Loading...