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Blog Entries List

Blog Entries from community members

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  • Oxy bout. Round 8

    DF, Yep still kickin the ol' can around still. Also want to say good job to pee! We're doing it one day atta time. Well, day 14... It's kinda sucked. Don't know why. But all day I was like "f it imma just do one. One won't kill me." Then I was at battle with another battle saying "screw that. That's why I have a...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 7

    Hello all. Yep still here. But I have encountered a little bit of a problem. So this post might be a little lengthy compared to others. So starting out I'm not actually on day 7-9 or whatever. Yes, I went through those days but I'm actually on day 13 (I'll try and catch up the SS's) So day 9 or 10 I actually...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes....
  • Since Saturday

    Today is Thursday, marking my 6th day clean. I've had a couple of cravings but I was able to keep my mind off of it by my work. I've been a little tired but I know that will get better with time.
  • Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load...
  • A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing...
  • The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I...
  • New life

    Today marks 2 days and I'm a little tired but I'm holding up! I'm on this path beacause I just don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore, a much needed change is in order. I'm glad I'm alive and well.
  • Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the...
  1. Day 74

    It's been so long since I've kept track of my time clean that I had to use a date calculator program to figure out how long it's been. Turns out it's been 74 days - about 2 1/2 months. I'm happy that I've made it this far. Honestly, I didn't think I would make it this far. This is the longest I've been clean in several years. But things aren't all sunshine and rainbows. I've been depressed for the last two weeks and I had a using dream the night before last. I've barely left my bed except...
  2. Oxy bout. Round 8

    DF, Yep still kickin the ol' can around still. Also want to say good job to pee! We're doing it one day atta time. Well, day 14... It's kinda sucked. Don't know why. But all day I was like "f it imma just do one. One won't kill me." Then I was at battle with another battle saying "screw that. That's why I have a sub. Imma just pop half of that and be good." But in the end I just took some really big rips, and paced a hole in my living room... Just overall not a great day, especially since...
  3. Something is working

    Day 6 of my attempt to kick dope. Did .2 earlier this morning and I felt like total shit. As a matter of fact, I still feel like shit. I've had a better appetite and less desire to do the dope. I have asked God to intervene and help me to lose the desire. Is He really doing this? I know what I believe.. I have some symptoms of withdrawal this morning, but not enough to boot up any dope. I'll try and hold off until tomorrow. I found a needle drop in my area, and they were there until 6. I...
  4. Oxy Bout. Round 7

    Hello all. Yep still here. But I have encountered a little bit of a problem. So this post might be a little lengthy compared to others. So starting out I'm not actually on day 7-9 or whatever. Yes, I went through those days but I'm actually on day 13 (I'll try and catch up the SS's) So day 9 or 10 I actually started to get something back. Maybe a little energy and strength. Still battling insomnia. And RLS. Day 10 All the same as the previous. Just slightly improving every day. Same...
  5. I think I'm on to something...

    I think this is day 5 as yesterday I believe I was off a day when I posted. Normally I would correct any errors for fear of readers judging me on my mistake. Well, here's something that I'll be working on. The fact that I make mistakes and I need not worry about what people think of me and if I make a mistake. Oh the dread I suffer from the fear of judgement. What a waste of time and energy... I think I'll try and put that energy into something more positive. Like giving myself positive...
  6. I had 3 days of.. rough shit but it worked!!

    Last day I felt like someone squezed my brain out of fukking nose!! so now I know that I can do it CT!! Dont know how i will do this.. I have so much work to do.. art and music, that cant bee done while I´m in fetus position.. I´m working hard as many of you know.. my newest houseshit! Dat ass.. live to you all..
  7. Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes. Any suggestions? Wish me luck. Koda
  8. The struggle is real

    Well I made it through the withdrawals!!! Yay!! All that is lingering are the hot flashes. Last night I had the incredible urge to go get a G, I had it thought out and all, but just reminded myself that I didn't go through this hell for "a break" or to give my nose a chance to heal, I did it because I WANT to QUIT!!! I know these urges will come and go and when they come that's when I need to be the strongest I can possibly be!! I'm about 75% back to my normal self and look forward to 100%....
  9. Since Saturday

    Today is Thursday, marking my 6th day clean. I've had a couple of cravings but I was able to keep my mind off of it by my work. I've been a little tired but I know that will get better with time.
  10. Early entry today

    Well, here it is day 3. Confusion and fear run ramp-id. As I still am using, I've managed to only consume about .2 today. I guess it's better than a half a gram. My biggest fear is that my money supply is just about run dry (forced detox). This could be a good thing. Rent is due and I have no way of paying it. Oh well, what's the worst that can happen? I live in my van down by the river? (at least I have a little sense of humor) I tried to go to work today, but I sat down in the lounge chair...
  11. Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load myself up with weed, or Ambien/soma. This probably isn't the best at all. But 3/4 hours is better than 20-40 minutes. And RLS is still a constant. And now my shins and feet hurt...
  12. I got funding!

    Sorry for going quiet. I relapsed big time, habit got bigger than its ever been and was eating diazepam to get proper put of my face. used with my ex a lot and she would keep the naloxone kit next to her incase I went over. I was really out of control. but somehow I made it to all the meetings and interviews I had to do for the funding panel and somehow I got it! So I'm day 2 into my cluck and as soon as the worst is over I'm of to rehab. I'll only be allowed my phone for an hour at...
  13. A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing everything correctly. But that's not a possibility, I have to learn how to get over it. Its not a big deal, just something hard to deal with. I'm so not perfect that I had relapses...
  14. The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My delusional thinking has me convinced that I am capable to stop using. I may be the weakest human being when it comes to willpower. I know God is the only source that will relieve me of...
  15. FUBAR - U.S. Military term for screw-ups

    I would rather go through the physical withdrawal 100 times, then deal with the depression that come afterwards. I thought I had a plan, but it was no where enough to get past how low I feel. The pain hit me with a vengeance. Alternative means of dealing with pain just didn't work. My doctor wants to use Gabapentin as a means to deal with chronic foot pain. I don't get it and so far it's not working. He has not cut my prescription of Oxycodone - yet, but I know he is planning on it. I think...
  16. I´m back! massive relapse :(

    After struggling a week with 0,65 i could not take it anymore and binged five days.. now I have not take any for three days and feel.. almost ok! Don´t know why.. probably because my bad WD for three months had done it´s job!?? anyway.. i will keep on with this journal as long as I dont feel 100% ok.. and that will take a while.. please don judge me.. You that have followed my journal know how hard I have been struggling..
  17. Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I am still holding strong. Can't make any promises of how long I'll last. But.... My mind is different this time around. Maybe that's the "X" factor. Thanks for reading Koda
  18. New life

    Today marks 2 days and I'm a little tired but I'm holding up! I'm on this path beacause I just don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore, a much needed change is in order. I'm glad I'm alive and well.
  19. Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the consequences. Leave it at that for now. Req, thanks for the feedback. Appreciate that a lot. And for the bath. It's kind of hard to around my home. Especially every hour. But I do...
  20. Who cares?

    Life is short and the problem is people think they have time. I lost both of my parents almost 3 years ago, one to cancer and the other of a broken heart. Although I had been caring for my parents for several years it was still hard when their bodies died. I was for both of them when they took their last breaths on earth, I wouldn't change that for anything. What is taught me was this life on earth ends, but our spirits live on. I am sad for me not to have their physical beings around me...
  21. Day 5 no cocaine

    Well today marks day 5!! So proud of myself. It's been a long time since I've made it this far. As of yesterday and today no cravings. The withdrawals are getting easier except for the amount of sleep! I can be watching TV and just fall right to sleep. Still no energy. But with time it'll return. This was the best decision I have made, not only for myself but fo my kids.
  22. Overthinking.

    Today I am going to touch the question that has been hounting me for years since I myself became a parent (Not the ideal one, I guess, but I am trying). Years ago on this forum was a thread with a question along these lines (Can not remember correctly): "Would you let your children get known to the drugs, be informed about your past and what would you say if you caught them using?" I guess, then I replyed something like that I would let them try every substance aviable and then decide by...
  23. Every day struggle.

    So I decided to start a new journal, since my first was about my most recent relapse and I feel I'm past that head space. I last used in late March (opiates, anyway) and I've been doing fine staying away from them even though the cravings are still near constant. Buuuut, me being a moron I have gotten wrapped up in a less deadly but more toxic relationship with an A-PHP derivative...fuuuuuuck me. I naively thought that I had enough of a handle on myself after pulling myself off the DOCs to...
  24. The Journey Begins

    No mother expects their child to grow up to become an addict but when they do we always go back and question our parenting skills. Was it the time we didn't discipline them enough? Did we praise them to much or not enough? Was it because their father left? Did we keep them too sheltered or not sheltered enough? I could go on but I don't thik any of it matters. Our children at some point have to take responsibility for their own actions and we as parents did the best we could with the...
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  25. Day 3

    Well today is day 3. It's 4pm and I'm starting to lose the strength:(. Yesterday my girls (after the arguing) they did a tremendous job in helping and the one did apologize. Right now it's like I'm so tired of feeling exhausted and just would like a few lines as a pick me up, but I know that's the drug talking. This is the one time I had my husband for support. That's it for now, I just had to right this down and hope that this works.
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