Journals

  1. Day 4 - no meth

    It’s been 4 days since I last smoked. I’m proud of myself but also craving. I don’t know if I crave it itself or the act of doing it. I smoke it. I had a dream the other day that I had half a ziplock bag of the stuff and I was in meth heaven. Lol. Then I realized it was just a dream bec all I really had was a used pipe, still in my possession bec I’m scared to toss it at my house. I don’t want it being found. I’ll get rid of tomorrow since it’s trash day. I’m functioning well and going back...
  2. My attempt at doing it with no help didn't work

    Just wanted to update and say that after 6 months I am still taking tramadol. That feeling of not wanting it changed and as soon as it did I got back on it. Since the last entry I learned a few positive things which will help with my next attempt to quit using kratom soon. The more you try to quit the more likely you are to eventually make it. This was mentioned as a fact on a Joe Rogan podcast Using Blue Lotus may be a help. This stuff is legal and was used by ancient Egyptians. You can...
  3. second week tapering Kratom

    Yesterday I reduced my Kratom dose even more to 1.5grams and I will continue this dose for the whole week, then drop to 1 gram and see how I do. Though this is good, my Tianeptine dose has increased a little bit to 300mgs daily which I do not want to exceed. However, I also don't want my depression to come back full force, especially because I have had such a terrible week at work. I also hurt my back a few weeks ago that I'm finally going it to have checked out as it is not getting much...
  4. I'm a ripp roaring bitch

    I feel bad for some of my neighbors. I screamed at an old man's beagle for howling. They just moved into the apartment beside me that day. I screamed at the pain in the ass neighbor across from me for watering her flowers. After it rained that morning. Sorry not sorry. I found out the younger tenants at the end of my building, have a fire pit on the patio. Major Fire Hazard. Plus they have the loudest muffler's on the planet. " Legal" I have officially turned into a grumpy old lady. I am...
  5. Gotta go back to court

    I just got word from my probation officer that my stupid alcohol monitor showed that I “tampered” with it from 7p to 2a on April 30th. I have to go back to court because of it. But I didn’t. Matter of fact I had a friend over that night and we cooked then watched tv until she fell asleep and ended sleeping in my spare room all night. The most upsetting part of this is i have to rehire my attorney. I won’t go into court without an attorney and I really dont have the money for it. This...
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  6. Explaining my drug career

    Ok so in my last entry I went into not being able to quit everything once and for all after using heroin and meth for years. So let’s start in the beginning briefly then on other post I can go into details. When I was 11 years old some cousins came over (teenagers) and we walked to the store and that day was the first time I smoked weed, even though I pretended I had done this times before “of course I had”... from that day I didn’t touch anything until I was 13. In middle school was the...
  7. Are some people more valuable than others?

    I start my journal out today with a very heavy heart. I'm on the verge of losing another friend. Her death now seems inevitable, but I wonder if her life would have been valued more, if she could have survived. My dear friend Sam. She showed up to the hospital with 3 tumors that had suddenly appeared in 3 different parts of her body. CT scan showed presence of malignant process, but as shown in her results I posted, they decided on an infectious process instead, because she had a history of...
  8. The hot flashes are killing me!

    I've been thinking about the withdrawal symptoms I've experienced when I've tried to lay off the pain meds some days. Mainly, I have stomach disruptions but I have zofran for nausea, and anti-diarrheal meds if it comes to that. My main discomfort comes with severe hot flashes. Feels like I'm on fire on the inside for about 5-10 minutes, then I'm left in a wet puddle. My hair is usually soaking wet and my face looks sun burned. This can happen even when I'm taking my meds properly. It's...
  9. Every 3 hours

    Every three hours, I have to take at least 2 10mg hydrocodone to avoid the withdrawal symptoms. Recently, my doctor prescribed Belbuca in addition to these. I started taking it on a Tuesday. By Thursday or Friday I became extremely sick, vomiting and diarrhea. Initially, I thought I had the flu, but it occurred to me that it could be the Belbuca causing withdrawal symptoms. I don’t know. I stopped taking it about 24 hours later the sickness ended. I was in bed for two days completely...
  10. The Road back to health and balance

    I have a history of an eating disorder and meth addiction in my early to mid-20s. This was probably brought on my rough childhood, bad parental role models, and bad choices. I was very fortunate to come out of that relatively healthy and successful with my career. I had a bunch of mental health problems that finally stabilized but left me with very severe depression, but I was nevertheless able to complete my education and fulfill my goal of working in the ER in one of the highest paying...
  11. Opiate and meth ruined me

    Sitting here listening to podcasts talking about drug stories while still “promoting” recovery. And I sit here conflicted on whether my recovery is even a real recovery since even though I’ve been almost 4 months clean from heroin and meth I’m still using kratom and green daily. So am I even in recovery? I think from where I was at you could count it as maybein process to recovery? All I know is that the guilt I’m feeling inside is growing each time I have to buy more of either. I can’t tell...
  12. My First Week on Lexapro

    It's been 8 days since I began my prescription on Lexapro, 10 mg daily. I can't speak more for the positive impact it's already had on my life. Apart from my asthma medication, which I began using at 3, eventually weaning myself off a few years ago until I started hitting the pipe hard last year, and irrespective of pain meds & antibiotics, I've not had a positive experience from any prescription drug I've taken. Roaccutane, Yasmin & Dianne 35, Levlen, Topamax. They've all fucked my body up...
  13. The withdrawl is over and I finally slept some, but what now?

    I wanted to start this Journal off on a light hearted note with the meme above, but in reality, that's my general feeling about how I have been treated regarding my mental health. A few weeks ago I visited my primary care physician for ongoing post partum depression and was prescribed Lexapro. I took it and fell asleep. Upon waking up I went to the bathroom and noticed my pupils were the size of quarters. I then sat down on the couch and felt unbearably paranoid. I was having an anxiety...
  14. 206 Days Methadone and Substance Free

    I came back to my account today to reread some of my old posts. I tend to do that from time to time to remind myself what I have been through. How could I forget right? Wrong! I’m clean and sober for 206 days now. Life has been great! It seems like life with addiction is a distant memory. I don’t necessarily “forget” about it, it just rarely crosses my mind. I’m actually not too happy about that. I need to remember where I came from. Not dwell on it, but still remember. I have come to a...
  15. Post surgery and Kratom

    Im now 4 1/2 weeks out from surgery on my collarbone. Its been slow going. Nothing wants to get better, and when it does it seems like I immediately throw it back out of whack. I really shouldnt complain. I got shoulder surgery covered under my insurance, my parents footed the bill for a dental implant (another bonus was a cracked tooth), and I have plenty of savings at the moment so work isnt an issue. Mainly Im trying to find a useful function for myself. Working as a trainer in...
  16. I Can't Tell if I've Already Decided...

    It's almost 1am, a time that I've come to really love and really hate at the same time. It's usually much quieter and I can feel more assured that I am alone, which is both the reason I love it and the reason I hate it. I've been off heroin for a few months now, and I've probably lost my bupe doctor for repeatedly failing for meth and missing two appointments (due to work schedule). I feel as though everything I've invested myself into fully eventually is taken away. This has been true for...
  17. Judas Goat

    Howzitgoin? Mutha's day. I guess it's pretty important to some people. Holidays don't mean shit to me. They ain't never meant shit to me, with the one exception during a 4-year period, 2013-17, back when I had somebody extra-special in my life to share them with. I was 53 the first and only time I ever experienced real love. She was 36, a heroin addict in recovery and a victim of sadistic and brutal long-term abuse. She had the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. I knew the moment I met...
  18. Most DF activity in a single weekend

    is what I'm expecting a trophy for, at this rate. I've accomplished a few other things, buying plane tickets for a festival, reserving a rental car, knitting, laundry....but this weekend seems to be flying by. I can't help loving DF, it's all the good parts of being a pharmacist without the complaints that you're taking too long, without waiting on hold with doctor's offices, without standing for 12 hours straight.... I slept maybe 2 hours. I redosed in the late afternoon, using up the last...
  19. Interactions with my meds, and mother's day

    So I snorted some pink stuff this morning after over a week (possibly 2 weeks?) of abstinence. I started working on the DXM wiki, then, after looking through other articles, decided to work on the aripiprazole one. While reading the Wikipedia entry for that, I see the following and I'm not sure how I missed this before: Aripiprazole may be counter-therapeutic as treatment for methamphetamine dependency because it increased methamphetamine's stimulant and euphoric effects, and increased the...
  20. After effects of bullying

    [URL]https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.cleveland.com/metro/2016/07/11-year-old_cleveland_girls_sh.html%3foutputType=amp[/URL] The guy in that story, the father, was my biggest junior high bully and the reason I missed two weeks of school following my first suicide attempt at the age of twelve, though I'd been contemplating it since I was eight, when my uncle tried to kill me. He'd been raping me for two years, at this point, and the attempted murder came when I told my mom, cuz he didn't wamt to go to...
  21. The Beginning is usually a good start, right?

    Its been a long 3 years since I started. It was 3am on a Saturday when my wife came back from Shanghai to Singapore after celebrating her fathers 50th birthday. I had told her that I was having a serious cough and because of that the doctor had given me something called Dhasedyl (a 90ml combination of Codeine phosphate, ephedrine HCl and promethazine HCl). We both took half of the bottle each - because we heard from a friend that this stuff was AMAZING - and within 10 minute both of us were...
  22. Struggle Street

    I can't help lately but reflect back on all that I've fucked up in my life. Right now I could be enjoying the excitement of a rewarding career in emergency healthcare. Or I could've been coming into the final year of a degree to work in natural medicine. I could have taken off abroad and be working in a different part of the world. Or move intestate for work and explore the wonders of my own country. I could be happy and healthy, strong and independent. Instead I am sick and weak,...
  23. I’ve really messed up

    the adventure never stops when you iv meth! I’m scared right now I’ve sincerely fucked myself up. Over used to put it nicely, tied off because of course I can’t find anything to hit. Things were going alright then I realized I hadn’t let go of the tourniquet or shoelaces in my case, that caused me to miss, and I wasn’t able to register the last 20 or so. Idc but my arm hurts from elbow to shoulder. I’m doing a warm compress and laying down. This is quite a painful experience. I guess I...
  24. Good days bad days

    lets see I’ve shot day before yesterday, I’ve shot yesterday I really got after it today. Getting rid of the remainder I tell myself. Making up another shot. My arms can’t so I’m searching my chest. These have to be anchored. My pup walks in, can’t do this with her right here. I’m apprehensive about it anyway. One more chemical taste and it’s time to lay it down
  25. Maybe I'll be okay....

    My dad came to visit for a week. While he's never used anything harder than whiskey, he's a retired forensic scientist and has worked closely enough with law enforcement to know the drug war is a misguided sham at best. I thought my current job would be over by now, so he scheduled his visit accordingly. Surprise! I'm still working, and because I'm a temp I have no paid time off. They were able to replace me every day I requested except one, so I've had a 4 day weekend. The first couple of...
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