35 years of drug taking - Part 20

By supermono · Dec 15, 2014 · ·
  1. Hi everyone,
    I didnt want to post yesterday. For what ever reason I wanted to stay away and concentrate on my taper and my addiction. But now I have read your last posts I feel it would be good. You guys are all an inspiration to me. Such kind words from people I will never meet in person who have offered your time, support and words of wisdom to me, has me crying like a baby now. I hardly know how to express my heartfelt thanks to you all. You know who you are so I wont list you individually.

    Today is the day. I had a shite day yesterday with pain in my back and little sleep. Really annoying withdrawls as I tapered down slowly. So I decided this morning 12 hours in, of no meds, no opiates, that now was the time to stop the taper. I was in pain anyway so a touch more isnt going to make things much worse for me I think. Its not the physical pain that bothers me. Its the mental pain. The depression and anxiety that is so difficult to deal with. This has been a really hard one. They get harder and harder as I get older but I promised myself I would be clean for my birthday in April when I shall be 50 years old. I have much to be grateful for. Many people would cut their right arm off to have what I have materially. But I am spiritually weak. I feel lucky about my addiction. I have never stayed on opiates for longer than 7 months. There always was and is something inside me that says I have to stop this crazy thing I do. But I have repeated my lust for opiates for many years. And now they can FUCK OFF for ever. I never want to see you again. You gave me the feeling of being invinsible, you gave me the ability to over come my shyness. You wrapped me up in cotton wool. You tried to destroy me. You became my enemy. So for the last time. Piss of you mother fucker. You will never be part of my life again.
    Peace and love to you all, Mono.

    supermono added 35 Minutes and 14 Seconds later...

    THE SERENITY PRAYER

    God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change.
    Courage to change the things I can.
    And the wisdom to know the difference.

Comments

  1. catgoddess
    Supermono

    Sending you lots of support and praise for your decision. You sound so strong and determined! Hold on through this roller coaster ride. You can do this.

    You are a good and kind person, taking the time to support me when you are going through this struggle. Please take care of yourself and I will be checking back here to see how you are doing.
  2. Jungledog
    Mono,

    It's funny how alike we all are here. I was hurt deeply by my spouse yesterday and then was disappointed in myself by taking oxycodone. I stayed away from the forum. Partly it was because I was hurting but mostly it was because I simply needed to get my head straight and concentrate on me.

    It makes complete sense to step off as you did. The mental stuff just take one minute at a time and allow yourself time to process it. Keep reminding yourself that you will be feeling well by that upcoming birthday. :) Love to you.
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