Hi Guys and Girls,
You lot have me in stitches sometimes. Its good to laugh. I have never heard of a white noise machine JD but I,ll google it in a mo. Hope your well mate and thanks for your support. Love you
Hi Brother Bumble, Thanks mate. All the encouragement is great, thanks. Its going to get very hard now because I always cross addict and the only way forward has to be NO mood altering substances. I cant drink one glass of wine or one beer and one case or bottle doesn't touch the sides. I,ve smoked dope almost daily since I was 15. It has to be total abstinence, its the only way. Its what I wanted 2 months ago. The opiate taper is a piece of piss compared to what's brewing. LOL No pun intended.
I have had some wine and a couple of joints in the evening to help me sleep. It will get out of hand. It always gets out of hand. I am an addict. I,ve wanted to share this but have felt unable too. Fuck it. This is really hard. I have to say goodbye to all my friends. I mean the drugs. If I look back over the last year I have taken Heroin, Oxy, Tramadol,Dihydracodeine, Opium, Coke, Valium, Hashish, Grass, Alcohol. MDMA. Morphine sulphate. What a crap list. Then there were periods of speed, LSD and mushrooms but not for 30 years. I have a plan. I am regrouping to go again in a day or 2. I have ordered 20 x 2mg Xanax to help with sleep and anxiety when the time comes. I,ve thought about putting it off until after X mas but I,m not sure if I should or not. I have to be places with my family and I dont want to feel shit.
I have a lot to think about. Its like ten friends all dying at once. Sitting here thinking I can never get high again is very hard but there are many ways to get high that do not involve drugs. I just need to find them. I have only had a few brief periods of sobriety in 35 years. 49 days is the max but only because I was in prison. The first thing I did when I got out was get stoned. Then in 1998. Rehab. I lasted maybe 40 days. Picked up a 4 pack and smoked a spliff. The cycle continued. Back to rehab in 2008. I was doing well and felt really high sometimes just on life. I relapsed after 40 odd days again and just said Fuck it. Now I am trying again. I am battle weary after the last 2 months. Its been a hard, long journey but now I have to summon the strength to fight again.