35 years of drug taking - Part 26

By supermono · Dec 18, 2014 · ·
  1. Hi Guys and Girls,
    You lot have me in stitches sometimes. Its good to laugh. I have never heard of a white noise machine JD but I,ll google it in a mo. Hope your well mate and thanks for your support. Love you

    Hi Brother Bumble, Thanks mate. All the encouragement is great, thanks. Its going to get very hard now because I always cross addict and the only way forward has to be NO mood altering substances. I cant drink one glass of wine or one beer and one case or bottle doesn't touch the sides. I,ve smoked dope almost daily since I was 15. It has to be total abstinence, its the only way. Its what I wanted 2 months ago. The opiate taper is a piece of piss compared to what's brewing. LOL No pun intended.
    I have had some wine and a couple of joints in the evening to help me sleep. It will get out of hand. It always gets out of hand. I am an addict. I,ve wanted to share this but have felt unable too. Fuck it. This is really hard. I have to say goodbye to all my friends. I mean the drugs. If I look back over the last year I have taken Heroin, Oxy, Tramadol,Dihydracodeine, Opium, Coke, Valium, Hashish, Grass, Alcohol. MDMA. Morphine sulphate. What a crap list. Then there were periods of speed, LSD and mushrooms but not for 30 years. I have a plan. I am regrouping to go again in a day or 2. I have ordered 20 x 2mg Xanax to help with sleep and anxiety when the time comes. I,ve thought about putting it off until after X mas but I,m not sure if I should or not. I have to be places with my family and I dont want to feel shit.

    I have a lot to think about. Its like ten friends all dying at once. Sitting here thinking I can never get high again is very hard but there are many ways to get high that do not involve drugs. I just need to find them. I have only had a few brief periods of sobriety in 35 years. 49 days is the max but only because I was in prison. The first thing I did when I got out was get stoned. Then in 1998. Rehab. I lasted maybe 40 days. Picked up a 4 pack and smoked a spliff. The cycle continued. Back to rehab in 2008. I was doing well and felt really high sometimes just on life. I relapsed after 40 odd days again and just said Fuck it. Now I am trying again. I am battle weary after the last 2 months. Its been a hard, long journey but now I have to summon the strength to fight again.

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Mono,

    This is where you take your sobriety one day at a time. Don't think about forever. Just think about today, the right now. The drugs felt like your friends, like your secret escape crowd. I have found it helpful to remind myself that that the drugs were in fact not my friends but instead they were evil pretend friends who stole my very life from me. I am fucking missing memories of my son growing these past 3 years. I will never get that back but I fucking won't miss any more of his life. Remind yourself of your children. It will give you strength. And come here and pour out the hurt. Love you my friend!!
  2. Mr Bumble
    It's no small task your taking on brother and I'm certainly not against the use of the odd xanax to get through the hard social times when you know you can't have a drink. We don't really get xanax much here but I will use the odd diazepam when needed for a few month after I stop daily doseing. Just rememner only take one, I've had xanax and it makes diazepam look like kids stuff, it's a powerful benzo, use sparingly and wisely my friend.

    I noticed you posted the serenity pray, do you attend NA/ AA. I know it works for some but I don't feel it's a great program, i went for some time, but if your one of the people it works for then keep going. Plus I still love the pray, it's a gooden

    This is my mantra, I posted a shortened version in hte quotes section but last night i got the first half of this tattood on my arm. It don't look pretty but it was never for show. Fear has always held me back, so this is to remind me never to give in to it

    I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
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