35 years of drug taking - Part 3

By supermono · Nov 25, 2014 · ·
  1. WOW Polio vaccine,

    Some post there. Thanks. I understand what you are saying about giving everything up all at once but I started some weeks ago and have just reduced slowly. It was quite easy for me to quit the booze as I had opiate pills. OK I have had 2 beers in 3 weeks and to be honest I didnt really like them, infact one went down the sink after a few swigs cos it tasted horrible.

    The basis of me giving up canabis, opiates, alcohol and cigs ( Ten days no fags thats cigs here in UK. Vapes do work) is that its going to kill me before my time. I dont know when my time is but I look at my father who is 80 and as I am nearly 50 years old, I want to live longer. I want to get to 80 too.

    My first thoughts of giving up was that the alcohol and the cigs are the worst for my body .eg they would kill me first. Chain smoking cigs and joints and drinking 2 bottles of wine a day for years plus all sorts of drugs.

    Opiates taken as I do orally are not that bad for the body compared to the alcohol and the cigs IMO. Maybe someone will tell me differently now ?
    I dont know whether I,m correct but that is my belief. Sure I,d love a cig but I,ve got a vape and so far so good. One day this I hope will be tossed away too.

    Yes I do feel shit as I write probably because of the way I look back at the last 35 years and how I screwed my marriage up and that I havent seen my 2 girls grow up. My youngest daughter is 14 and I think that roughly I have seen her no more than 100 times since I left or was asked to leave the matrimonial home when she was 2 years old.(tears) She doesnt text me or ring me like her sister.
    Why would she ? She doesnt know her father.

    I have been in this situation many times before and each time I have not been successful. I hate the term "Fail". Maybe this time will be different. Time will tell.

    I am very lucky materially, I have a home, a van, an overdraft that I can use while I,m not working so I can pay my bills. But spiritually I have nothing. I have no friends outside of drugs and alcohol. A sad human being really. It wasnt meant to be like this. So I can only hope that I can become clean over the next week or 2 and stay clean which I have tried before but always back to the drugs for whatever reason that was. I have no motivation to do anything at the moment. Like nothing but watch TV and read about drug withdrawl,dependency and what I can do to help myself.
    Life has become boring even with the products that I throw down my throat. I know there is more out there and I need to find it. No I dont need to find it, I have to find it inside myself because I do know its out there and I can have it too if I get clean and stay that way.
    Very brief periods of sobriety have prooved this. 40 days in 2008 I think.
    Well I,m not sure if any of this makes sence but its always good to let it out as I dont have anyone else to confide in.......yet.

    Thanks to all of you and may your gods go with you.

    Peace Mono

    supermono added 1261 Minutes and 29 Seconds later...

    Hi everyone, hope your all doing well today.
    I have been thinking what polio was saying about not beating myself up when quitting substance abuse and you are right that if I did have a wee toke on some weed that i shouldnt beat myself up about it.
    This is very good advice as in the past I,d feel so guilty about a relapse that I,d just cram a load more drugs down me to mask the guilt and the cycle would start all over again.

    I dont like hash on its own anyway. I never liked any drug on its own.
    If I had a spliff, I,d want a drink and vice versa. If I had some coke I,d want a few drinks with it and some hash. If i took opiates then I,d need hash to go with that as well. get the picture ? Maybe this will help me with my wanting to quit the lot ? I hope so.

    Down to 3 and 2 30mg DHC today so I have enough DHC to taper for 7 days and then that will be it I hope.
    Its very difficult to taper when you have a drawer full of pills unless you give them to someone else to administer them to you. Thats my experience but I,m doing OK. I feel low today. Emotional but then I just went to see my Job coach at the job center lol. what a joke that is.

    Anyway this time next week should be down to nil, nothing, zilch. I will have been a long time since I have been to this place. Hard, it will be hard but I know each second and minute that I am clean that I will slowly start to feel better. I,m glad I have the strength to taper I couldnt jump off from a large amount again.

    When I came off smack when I was 21 it was quite easy because I had so much focus. I was strong. Each time it becomes more and more difficult with the drls for me but even though I will withdraw I,ll have tapered right down to one 30 mg DHC. I,m not buying anymore.

    Before i forget. Someone gave me some subutex some weeks ago. I had never taken any and was worried I,d dose too soon after taking opiates and get a nasty with drawl. They have been in the kitchen draw for some weeks. last night I chucked them on the fire. Yipee. F..k off, dont need you lot as well. Burn away. Stay away from me, I dont need you in my life.

    I hope everyone has a good day and thanks for being on this site because it makes it easier for me with you guys around. may your god go with you all. Peace Mono

Comments

  1. Jungledog
    Mono,

    You are doing good. Keep to your taper and remember to feel proud that you ARE being successful. It's hard but you can do it.

    Hugs,
    JD
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