HI, thanks for your support girls. love you both JD and Lostly for all the support over the last weeks. yesterday turned out well even with fuck all sleep.I rang Doctor H my chinese doctor and he said just get in that fuckin bath man. As hot and as long as you can. I went to mums for the bath as I am only a shower person and thats all I have in the bungalow. The sweat was pouring off me. A long walk just made my back pain and movement worse but my friends in the village gave me cake and tea which was so cool. Then back for another hot bath at mums. lied about it which I hate. I said it was for back pain, but its more for my addiction/recovery I suppose. Still I,m not worrying about that. Another longish night with a few hours sleep although I did take some xanax but I do believe it does sweet fuck all. I cant feel it.
Woke up tired this morning and went to see Doc H for acupuncture. he only spiked me 4 times as he said I was too tense. So he then proceeded to give me a head, neck, shoulder, arm and hand massage. The man of many talents with the biggest smile. I really like him and a good job too as I have placed my trust in him to help me. Trust with human beings is very important to me and people I have trusted have been bad to me in the past. If I cant trust someone its game over for me.....................Another very hot bath at mums then back home. I was feeling so sleepy, like real sleepy. natural I drank a tea and couldnt stay awake so I got into bed for an hour and half and slept for one. One hours unaided sleep. This is massive to me. It means the process of healing is working. I am thrilled even if i dont sleep well tonight. I,m not going to take any more xanax now. Its shit anyway. I want my sobriety now. I want to be clean. Totally clean. 100 %. I,ve been reading an introduction to buddhism. The way i have lived my life is the complete opposite of the way they live theirs. I focus on external objects and lust over them. My mind can never be free if I stay on that path. The right path is to be free of external lust, like drugs, motorcycles, objects. It only brings disharmony and I can really see why. Our society is based on consumerism and that is the opposite to Buddhist way of life. When the mind is free from this then the peace and harmony will flow. I like that. I really do.
I dont really do x mas but will go to cousins tomorrow and enjoy not drinking alcohol. I do love the new year though. A new dawn, a new beginning. Spring on its way. i,ll get to see my girls on the 11th of Jan I hope. Take them shopping. Dont girls just love to shop . I will enjoy spending my money on them and not drugs. Merry christmas and a clean and serene 2015 to everybody. Peace for all mankind. Love ya Mono