35 years of drug taking - Part 45

By supermono · Jan 5, 2015 · ·
  1. Hi, Thanks ianzombie and JD. Great advice. I took 3 x 800 mg valerian root last night but spaced them apart by 20 minutes so it wouldn't give me a stomach ache. I felt more sleepy when I got into bed than I have and got to sleep quite quickly. I slept for about 6 hours. Best sleep so far. 6 hours a night will do me fine. Many thanks for your help guys. Hopefully my body will recognise this and start to adjust itself.

    I also got some 5-Hydroxytryptophan (5-HTP), also known as oxitriptan (INN), is a naturally occurring amino acid and chemical precursor as well as a metabolic intermediate in the biosynthesis of the neurotransmitters serotonin and melatonin from tryptophan. ( Not my explanation )

    Do you know this JD or anyone else ?

    People are taking this in the uk after a weekend of coke and MDMA so thought I,d try some to boost serotonin.

    Thanks for your support guys. Hope your all doing well. Speak soon. Much love Mono :D

    supermono added 704 Minutes and 43 Seconds later...

    I new the time would come.........The monkey is on my back. I,m very stressed out. The monkey tells me to use but it will only make matters worse. I can not change why I am stressed out. I need to use the serenity prayer to help me. "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change"

    I have to try and sort this out tomorrow. Its to late in the day to speak to the fekin useless people that I have to deal with. None of them are accountable for their actions.

    If I use now I,ll use again tomorrow and the day after that and then I,ll get depressed and the fekin cycle will start again. I,ll just say fuck it and I,ll end up in my black hole, pretending everything will be ok. I'm envious of people who can take it or leave it. I am fekin jealous. Why me ? Why am I am addict ? Is it genetic ? Is it all the shite I've had to deal with all my life ? Fuck knows. Does it matter ??

    I will not use today. I will not. Fuck off monkey go fuck yourself. One day you will not be on my back. You will give up on me if I stay strong.

    I,m going out to buy some tobbaco. I was told many years ago to take it one step at a time and not to worry about the fags ( cigarettes ) I,ve been vaping my nicotiene. At least I can drive because I,m not intoxicated. I,ll just curl up in the warmth of my home. Watch some TV and hopefully sleep tonight.

    Maybe this will help just to dump it here on DF.


  1. Mr Bumble
    Stay strong bro and nothing like smoking a few ciggys to calm ya.

    My mate always used to say, count how many days you are clean, then tell yourself, if i use, tomorrrow will be day 1 again.
  2. marathonmel7
    Hey Mono, I am so behind on your thread so forgive me but i wanted to offer my hand in support. As far as being "clean." I am absolutely going to say I am clean despite me needing a xanax every now and then and a pain killer today. I am clean off of heroin the only substance I have ever abused and I will defend myself to the end. It's a matter of personal preference and choice but I am clean regardless of what anyone thinks. I have prescriptions to my meds and if I decide to take them then so be it. That's my choice and not up for debate. Everyone has a right to their own method. Heroin is my DOC and that is what i am clean from. That's all that matters. I have other issues that have to be treated from time to time and the medications I take for them are important. I don't abuse them and I don't get high. Period. End of discussion.

    As for you my friend, congrats on your sobriety. You are doing just fine my friend. I am here for you. Take good care of yourself. Healing takes time and i'm 34 days in and still healing. You can do it though. Just hang on! Keep up the good fight. You've got this and you've got me supporting you!
  3. Jungledog

    I am with Mel on this one. I know you want to be clean from all substances but I think it is most important to love yourself and do what you need to do to stay off the drug that caused the greatest problem. If you need a cigarette to not use the stronger stuff, then cut yourself a break and go smoke one. It's ok.

    I suffer chronic pain. I abused oxycodone. I need to manage my pain. I am using kratom and frankly I will probably use oxycodone from time to time. The key is using it as prescribed and NOT to chase a high. I was using it to treat my underlying depression. I need to forgive myself for this error, get control, and resume life. I am not sure I buy the addict for life bullshit. Yes, if you were an addict you can always backslide...but the reality is it is a CHOICE. You also choose to stay clean. So keep telling that monkey to go fuck himself. You are strong and can do this!!!! You inspire me...remember?

    Love to you my friend.

    Jungledog added 190 Minutes and 47 Seconds later...


    I re-read your post. I have a couple other thoughts. Yes, addiction has a genetic component, especially for those with poly-substance issues. I also believe people with long term use and poly-use are more likely to struggle with staying clean because they tend to cross-addict or pick up a new substance. But in my mind, it makes more sense to use less problematic substances to manage the use of the more problematic ones. For example, smoking cigarettes or drinking kava is way less of an issue then shooting heroin or overusing oxycodone. I also think using weed or an occasional glass of wine is a better choice than the daily use of benzos whether legal or illegal to manage anxiety. We all have to make the right choice for our individual needs. As a prescriber, there is a big difference between needing Xanax for PTSD vs needing it for test anxiety. (and I am not making light of test-taking anxiety just saying PTSD anxiety which leads to full-on panic disorder and other anxiety are like comparing apples and oranges). My job is prescribing appropriately based on this need. Where things often get out of hand is when people buy and use without professional guidance and get hooked on shit that makes their underlying issues worse. (I KNOW there are also asshole providers out there who prescribe wrong but most really do have their patient's best interests at heart).

    So my thoughts for you is you are doing very, very well but you need to be prepared for a few things. You will experience PAWS my friend and after 35 years I would expect this could be significant. The worst symptoms will occur at 10-15 days clean, 30 days clean, 60 days clean, 90 days clean, and at the 6 month mark. Knowing it is coming won't make it easier but it won't blindside you. Come here and vent just like you did.

    Keep doing the work you are with diet, exercise, acupuncture, yoga, and herbs. This self-care is so important. Reflect and consider options for when the PAWS and cravings hit hard. This is where you figure out what lesser drugs might be OK just during that time...cigarettes, occasional wine or occasional Xanax. I really think clonidine is something you need to get your hands on. It is NOT addictive and can help with cravings and anxiety. Gabapentin is also useful for both and is unlikely to be abused although its cousin drug Lyrica can be. Clonidine and Gabapentin can certainly help you stay clean and will NOT get you high...wine and Xanax certainly can. (Well, high dose gabapentin can be used by some to get "high" but honestly it makes me feel really weird at high doses so I have never abused it). Clonidine just literally puts me to sleep! Which hell some of your current distress is sleep deprivation so it would help you. I am not telling you to resume drug taking. I just think it might be good to have a plan for using responsibly when the super cravings start.

    5-HTP helps many in recovery with energy. It JACKED my anxiety through the roof so I stopped taking it. You just have to try it and see what it does for you.

    That's my 2 cents for what it is worth. I think stopping all drugs after 35 years of use is a huge undertaking and if you do begin to struggle, it is my opinion, that resuming one or two of the lesser drugs to cope is better than getting overwhelmed and resuming the key heavier drugs like opiates. But you know yourself and your needs best. I support you in whatever you need to do. Love to you.
  4. lostlygirl
    Hi Mono,

    I've missed you. :( I hope all is well. How's the fight? I'm sad today. O'well. I always seem to hope that the 'one' is out there, but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps I will live the next 30 yrs alone. Would that be so bad? I guess at some point we all how to come to grips with our aloneness, whether we are with someone or not. Drugs just seem to numb the loneliness so very well.

    I think about you. Cheers and love!

    lostlygirl added 57 Minutes and 58 Seconds later...

    Perhaps you can come back and post some more? I love reading your posts on other peoples threads as well as your own. You bring a lot to this little section of DF and I miss you when you are not around. It helps to know what to expect in the other side of this journey. I believe the battle really comes a few weeks into sobriety.
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