FFS Sorry I have been typing for ages and I,ve fekin lost it AAAAGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
supermono added 57 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...
Thanks for your suport guys.
I have just been telling you my story and I lost the lot. I dont know what happened. AAAAGGGGHHH
I was addressing the opiate using in reply to lostly girl. Hope you are well.
Withdrawls still shite infact worse last night as my legs started kickin in bed and that made me anxious so I popped four 8/500 and a 7.5 zimovane sleeping tablet and woke up with the worst tummy ache I have ever had. Which caused me more anxiety and so I felt shite but got 2 hours kip so I,m ok but......
Head wise I,m bored, lonely, depressed,fed up, emotional, scared, and a whole lot more.
I spent a lot of time in asia in my early twentys. I would use for several months and then come back to the UK and cross addict onto alcohol and hash and party drugs. Life was fun and made for living and nobody was going to stop me enjoying myself. i,d work hard so I could go back to asia for months on end,popping balls of opium and smoking smack. I was invincable.
I did not entertain opiates in the UK. Nobody used them in my circle so I just went CT and got on with my life. Then one day I did meet somone who was into opiates and then it became more difficult for me. but i,d clean up and just cross addict again. I,d go to work. meet in the pub for a couple of beers after work, go home and continue drinking and smoking hash. it was fun. Weekends were for MDMA or E or coke etc.
By the time I was 28 the drugs had started to take their toll on me. I was angry alot of the time. Problems with employment. I married and took it all out on my then wife. not good. Why would anybody shout and scream at the woman I loved. Then M was born and I wasnt going to change my life style. How wrong I was. I should have stopped like others did or do. Then B was born and by then I,d been to rehab for opiates and cross addiction. I lasted about 5 weeks after rehab and picked up a joint and a four pack and the cycle continued.
My wife couldnt take it even though we did party together for some years before the girls were born. We were madly in love but it all fell apart. She kicked me out in 2002. I was mortified. I lost everything and had to start again. it was tuff but the smack,crack,alcohol and hash helped block it all out.
We still dont talk. I hardly know my kids. I know M quite well but B was only 2 when we split and I hardly see either of them.
I was sent to boarding school when I was 8 years old. Who the feck sends their kids to boarding school ?
They ( parents ) did it because they thought it was for the best. My dads work took him all over the UK and it was better for me to be stable rather than change school every few years. I dont blame them but I did.
I looked at M when she was 8 and thought how could anybody send a child away from thier mum and dad. I couldnt but some can. madness.
18 months ago I realised I didnt need to leave home to buy drugs. I could just turn on my lap top and order what ever I wanted. Good price, good quality. Sorted as we say. I hurt my back some months ago and just started taking more and more pills. Oxy, morphine sulphate, Dihydracodiene, tramadol,valium. What ever was available. It gave me energy. I was able to work on the shuvel all day. I moved thousands of bricks for the brickies and mixed thier mortar. I used to run not walk. So I fucked up big time. My back is fucked and so am I. not good. I,m flat broke. I,ve no work. I,m very isolated living in a small rural village in the UK.
So there you go. A brief insight of a life of an addict. Sometimes I think I could just carry on. Sometimes I dont.
I was in Portugal 2 months ago. I woke up to 2 empty bottles in front of me in my room and thought if I dont stop I,ll die. I thought about what the worst drugs were to stop first. The alcohol and smoking. Thats what will bring my life to a premature end not the pills. So I,ve only had one bottle of wine and six beers since then. I did start to vape but I,m back on the cigs cos I,m detoxing. I do plan to go back to vaping after getting well, if I can get well.
But life without anything seems very difficult at this moment in time. I know all the rehab shite and the NA/AA shite. One day at a time. Meetings....well maybe, I dont know. Better hit submit before I lose this lot again.
Wishing you all well.
supermono added 267 Minutes and 12 Seconds later...
OOOO 2 hours sleep nice