Journals

  1. Thursday 7th March

    I am like a bad record. Same again, round and round, on and on. Wednesday was coke free, it was lovely. Thursday I picked up and felt anxious and stressed all evening from it. Missed the gig I wanted to go to with my friends, to stay home by myself for a few hours to binge. It is now 3:45am (Friday morning). For the first time though, I felt bored and done with coke by the end of the night. I can't be arsed with it. It is destroying me. Deleted all dealer numbers. 2pm - 2am: 1.5g I can...
  2. The Detox

    Over the past 3-4 days I’ve been using Subutex to prevent WD from a six year multiple opiate habit with mostly daily alcohol use that has me on the edge of losing everything. I’ve been documenting in the Buprenophine forum and now have moved here So far I’ve used 16-24 mg/day of Sub ona short taper that will be done in two days. I also have some Xanax and Gabapentin as well. The caveat is that I’ve used a bit of H over the past few days and drank some alcohol, but those have been...
  3. Write Off

    3-6-19 Howzitgoin everybody? I hope all y'all are havin a decent day that don't totally suck. My DOC has changed. I've actually remarked on the subject a few times lately. This DOC has an impact on pretty much all aspects of my humble existence and, in common with all of my chemical love affairs, it began years ago during my rebellious youth. It's a sporadic on/off, hot/cold, up/down kinda thing, sometimes servin as my DOC and other times rankin lower than the hielo, jalle, alcohol,...
  4. Tuesday 5th March

    Monday was drug free. But I gave into myself this afternoon. It seems I can get through a day or two without picking up, but then I feel suffocated in cravings, and give in. Did lots of work, but turned up late to dinner at our flat. I was so nervous and paranoid when I eventually arrived. Could hardly eat or make conversation. I used to be so organised and proactive. My addiction causes me to be a let down to my friends. Nose is noticeably loud today. Friday after work I will go to NA....
  5. 1 Year clean and free from Buprenorphine/Opiates

    1 year ago today, I decided I was sick of my day to day life dependent on having pills. I took my last dose and prepared for a ride through hell. I had read so many horror stories of people trying to quit so I was absolutely scared to death but subutex for 5-6 years and opiates for a few years before that had saturated my body. Something had to give! I jumped from an average daily dose of 24-28mg and these horror stories I read were from people jumping off at less than 2mg a day. I was just...
  6. 04/03/19

    First entry..! Got to face the facts. 2g Saturday 2nd March 1g Sunday 3rd March My nose whistles, and is super blocked up. Quite hard to breathe. It is 2:30am (not actually that late compared to usual binges). 1g 7pm - 12. Must bite the bullet, and try an na meeting this week.
  7. I Adore Wimmin

    3-4-19 I adore wimmin. They're beautiful and fascinating and complex and intriguing and infuriating and tantalizing and perky and indecisive and exhilarating and playful and inspiring and insolent and loveable and precious and unique and appealing and naughty and sensitive and frisky and courageous and confusing and bold and brazen and sassy and emotional and defiant and angelic and mezmerizing and exhausting and mysterious and sensuous and arousing and kind and insightful and nurturing and...
  8. Fucking Fool

    I feel like the biggest dumb cunt writing this and it’s hurting inside to bring myself to admit it. I made the decision to use today and I don’t even really know why. I didn’t get personally, after I made myself be cut off from the old sources, I can’t anymore. But I was able to get through someone else who got for me. And I am hating deeply for it. I was good and now I’m not. And I don’t know how. .. Why did I do it? I don’t fucking know. Did it feel good? Yeah wow the euphoria that...
  9. Words of Wisdom

    I found this pinned to a corkboard in the house I'm minding and looking after the pets for owners while they are away. My phone shat itself not long after I got here yeterday and being 50m from the beach and summer weather still hanging around, it was kinda nice and freeing to escape mobile madness for a bit and immerse in the salty, sunny and sandy goodness of this little coastal town. Bliss
  10. Neutral Buoyancy

    3-1-19 Howzitgoin, everybody? Good news: still off meth, comin up on 3 weeks. Smooth sailin so far Bad news: still on the jalle every day, which goes a long way toward explainin why I was able summarize the last 3 weeks off meth as havin been smooth sailin. Those jagged unpredictable emotional extremes that had me pickin fights in the grocery store during the initial phase of my may-june '18 short-lived escape from the hielo have been mostly eradicated thru judicious abuse of the jalle....
  11. Happy days

    Yay I start studying on the 12th March... I'm now enrolled and excited as all get out lol... I've also met someone, someone who I want to get to know and he feels the same. This next chapter of my life is going to be all about moving forwards and achieving my goals and living my life clean and helping others to do the same... I'm seriously loving life more and more the longer I'm clean, it's amazing... I am so so happy I made the choice to get clean and I make the choice everyday to stay...
  12. Meth, have you done this to me?

    Meth, was it you, have you done this to me? Poor nanna moved in, she's struggling to see, Frail and old and going crazy, thinks she's outside smelling the daisies. I offered to help, I promised I would, But horror & shock makes me unsure I could, Confronting it is being so raw to see, How scary it is when we lose our sanity. I'm trying to help but for some reason, I baulk, Perhaps it's how she fumbles her fork, Or could it be all her delusions that I see, Is what I'm terrified will become...
  13. Five Days and counting

    So I have five days before my whole world turns upside down. I, with my usually pretty terrific sense of cynicism and humor, can't find a single funny thing about all this. Yesterday, I did manage to fire off one good line. I fell--SPLAT--in our snow and ice covered driveway, and after my friends picked me up, I said, "Well, at least I managed to ice once!" I'm worried about becoming a burden on my friends. I won't be able to drive at all for 4-8 weeks. That means I need rides to all of my...
  14. And The Happies Keep on Coming

    I can't seem to contain my energy and happiness. It's spilling out of me and everyone can see it. If anything I'm a little nervous that I may find myself questioned over my previous sanity, or lack thereof, and what's changed in my world to make me so different! I got home last night about 8:30pm after spending the afternoon and evening helping my sister with her little tribe of vivacious and often defiant, youngsters. Her partner is a professional sportsman and is often away for his games,...
  15. The road to nowhere

    I am posting screen shots of the entry I wrote but could not post as my data ran out. The reason I am doing so is because I know if I rewrite it I will edit and it will not be as honest as it was first draft. Please view. I do hope it is legible. Please let me know if it is difficult to read and I will attempt to rewrite word for word. Thanks
  16. 2 Weeks Clean

    Not a huge feat but the first little milestone I'm honestly proud about :D The withdrawal fatigue and tiredness hit me hard for most of this duration. It's only been the last couple of days that I'm not groggy and unable to move and get up upon waking. I'm pleasantly surprised that I've not encountered any major anhedonia as of yet. Definitely, through the withdrawals, my mental state was up and down and my emotions very negative and depressive in nature. There were certainly periods I...
  17. Adios, lil Friend

    2-26-19 Howzitgoin I'm still sans meth. Clean over 2 weeks now. I started on 2-8 so however many days that is Yesterday I laid a good lil friend to rest, a tortus shell cat named Snooki (Snookers or the Snook). She was good people and hadda gentle soul and I miss her. My place feels a lil empty. Sux. But she hadda good life and I seen this comin ahead of time so I spoiled her lil bit more than usual and made certain she didn't suffer. Still sux tho. I brought her home and buried her in...
  18. 5 weeks in my suboxone taper

    I've gotten down to 1 milligram the past couple weeks and now I'm at .25 (1/4th a mg) twice a day. Its day 2 at half a mg a day. I do it twice so at night I will be able to sleep but I've actually been 100% fine as long as I wait a week and a half or so to drop again. I started prozac and wellbutrin just to keep the depression away some because I'm already a pessimist and I dont need any help in getting darker. My goal is to skip a day soon just to see if I can do it...or I may just do...
  19. Beautiful World

    I woke this morning around 7am and surprisingly enough, had no ability to fall back to sleep. What wowed me the most though was that I was actually hungry! I'm not one for a huge breakfast, typically I'll nibble on something small and have something more substantial around mid-morning and then a small lunch but today I woke with a hunger that demanded it be fulfilled ASAP. I got up made my morning coffee and had some PB & honey toast (my sister married an American and for years now their...
  20. Foggy Views from a Place of Unrest

    I'm tired. No fuck that, honestly, I'm feeling drained. I've spent the better half of the last two weeks off meth and it's been exhausting. I didn't set myself up for this well by a good few days of hard using with little-no sleep and total neglect to nutrition, a most vicious repeat of the self-destructive cycle I found myself on with each time I caved and got more meth after I told myself I was done. After the first few days break, my head was such a mess, I honestly couldn't see straight...
  21. Kill 'em all. Let god sort 'em out

    2-21-19 Howzitgoin everybody? My previous entry, "bad night and gonna get worse", wasn't what I'd set out to write. I'd planned on finishin up the 1979 PastorFuzz Crime Expose' , but just as I was gettin started I heard the unmistakable sound of glass breakin outside. And y'all already pretty much know wassup with that. In my first 3 entries in the journal "New Emperor, Same Clothes" I shared with y'all a lil bit of my shady past, disclosin events of forty years ago in more detail than I'd...
  22. Bring on turning 50

    You know I have ups and downs just like everyone else. I do my best to be positive the majority of the time, but like everyone else I have times when I don't feel so positive, instead I feel scared and worried and nervous and anxious and lost... My life has changed so much in the past 2 years that it scares the hell out of me sometimes but when I look back to where I was 2 years ago I realise how very much I have to be grateful for, my job, my sobriety, my friends, my goals, my headspace...
  23. Smoke this, don't smoke that

    Been using cannabis again, twice in about three weeks. Feel okay about it. Been more open with my therapists so that's helping maintain accountability. Got a new job as a Residential Counselor, it's a four day workweek with one double a week (16 hours). I'm a bit worried about coping with that and last night I laid in bed thinking of what drugs I could do to make that easier. Modafinil? Kratom with DXM? Caffeine Pills? When I talked to my current partner she said that I could tolerate the...
  24. My Preferred Detox Method from Opiates

    Recommended/ideal method for coming down from opiates: Subutex for first couple days since opiates will still be in your system. Technically, you can still get high from opiates while taking subutex. (obviously, not recommended). On the other spectrum, Suboxone has Nalaxone in the ingredients and you can not get high from opiates while taking it. After subutex, switch to Suboxone. Be sure to taper down from subs as slowly as possible to prevent withdrawals from the subs themselves. There are...
  25. DOPE FREEDOM

    Haven’t checked in on here for a while... figured it was about time. Just over a month clean off heroin. It’s getting easier, better, and I’m reaping the rewards... but some days are harder than others. The stress of college is definitely a trigger. When I don’t perform as well as I would like, the negative stream of thoughts attacks me. But I seem to typically find my way out fairly quickly, especially with the help of other people in recovery. I only wonder... will I ever NOT miss...
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