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Recovery Journal Entries

Drug Addiction Support

  1. Love is in the air...

    That silly feeling of falling in love wihch I love to hate. Makes me smile like an idiot the whole day, almost burst into tears for nothing, wait her messages (And make up silly reasons in my head of why isn`t she replying fast enough )and to have 100 and 1 idea and plenty of words to say that are left unsaid. Because of fear of looking like I am too into her and getting annoying. Totally like in some kind of fucking high school!:D And these butterflies in my belly every time I think of...
  2. Sturggling at 2 year mark

    I think I bought fake Adderal. looked different from my typical prescriptions (organge round pill, AD imprint 1 side, 30 other with line through it). I tried it a few times, took a drug test, tested -ve for amphetamine, +ve for methamphetamine. could anyone confirm your thought on the fakeness?
  3. Today was better!

    So today was better. I still felt like jumping down someone's throat a little, but all in all it wasn't anything I couldn't easily deal with. I guess I'm lucky because this was pretty short lived as far as withdrawal goes. I wish I could say my energy was back, but I did feel like moving for no reason so that's an improvement! I've been doing stuff but only what I had to the last few days. I've had one day that I was out and about and I paid for it dearly the next day! Had a job...
  4. Off methadone symptoms really starting now

    Thank you! I’ve been keeping busy. Actually when I’m on here it helps! This is an overwhelming feeling though. Very severe pain. Even when I’m up cleaning or at work I have to stop and stretch etc because it’s so bad it breaks through any distractions. I’m going to see my daughter for a while tomorrow so I’ll be out and about with her. I’m thankful she is so open with me! I raised her that way. I’d rather know everything! I’m the one she called when she thought her BFF was overdosing at...
  5. My husband had a TIA today.

    @LAC & @Lo24 You two are really the best! I just have severe back pain. It’s agonizing but @uzboth said he had the same thing on day 17 after his withdrawals and his did go away. I read it has something to do with the brains opiate receptors being suddenly free and causing pain and hypersensitivity to stimuli. It eventually resolves as those extra receptors all of us opiate addicts have shrink again to a near normal level. That’s the same as when our opiate tolerance goes back down. Oh wow I...
  6. the 2nd anniversary of my Grams death

    Well this is trippy. Here we are mentioning hallucinogens and I spoke to more daughter who tells me that, she loves LSD she’s done it a dozen times. She said she tripped really bad on mushrooms once and hates them though. Going to see her tomorrow at her new apartment. It’s really comforting to have children you can share everything with. Before anyone judges, they are adults. She’ll be 24 soon. She’s talking about trying to have babies in a couple of years too. I can hardly wait to be a...
  7. Update - Nothing has changed V1.2.1 - Groundhog Day

    Another update...I feel very depressed today. Obviously I've used again. I got money from a family member, who hung up on me afterwards. He was very angry and knows whats going on even if I didn't tell them. People aren't stupid and know. I'm throwing them yet again in the past. Something which they had somewhat forgotten. I am ashamed. Always after the fact though. Like I said yesterday, I guess I need to lie at the bottom of the barrel for a while. My spouse will get home later on. I...
  8. One full week, no cigarettes. I'm a vaper, again.

    well i did it, i hit one full week yesterday at 1 pm. ( Big Smile ) I feel pretty damn good, physically and mentally. I have saved about a full tank of gas for my car i figure, and thats just one week. Ive done the math for an entire month, and an entire year, and it is disgusting how much money i spend(t) on cigarettes. I am really really hoping i dont have something aggrevate me to a point where i end up saying fuck it and buying some, i always have that thought in my head, don't look...
  9. Day 14: feeling revved up

    @Ibogaine_saved_me Thank you I’ll definitely read your journal today. I thought the exact same @Lo24 thought about tripping too. Sounds scary with the state I’ve already been in. I’m almost positive it would require a trip to Mexico for me? I thought it was illegal in the US. But I still want to learn since I’m going to continue to be here to help others. Thank you for reading and reaching out to me. Today is day 14. 2 weeks now. I’m feeling a bit desperate today! I want this shaky unease...
  10. beyond exhausted

    @LAC @Lo24 @pharmed I hope you understand just how much your posts mean to me! I just got home from work. Not just any work, a on my feet all day running around work. But my mood is great! I’ve smiled almost the entire day. 12.5 hours after laying around for 3.5 weeks and I’m feeling it! Getting used to my pain without a single medication that will even touch it is ridiculously hard! I’m not as much tempted to take anything but every time I look in my purse that was usually loaded with...
  11. Update - Nothing has changed 1.1

    Here is an update. Nothing has changed. I am still using. I am still feeling like shit every time I do. I am trying to get into a center but I can't find a free one. I do need help; I don't think I'll be able to do this by myself. I am not quite at the bottom of the barrel. I think I need to lie down there a bit before I do anything. I was so full of piss and vinegar. I thought I knew it all when I quit that first time. I remember telling people how easy it was to quit. "All you need to do...
  12. I could cry.

    Definitely need a new appartement or something else. I'm already pondering whether a living community for substituted ex junkies would be a solution. Meh. But thats as complicated as finding a regular room to.rent. pooh This post is too short by one character. Not.now.
  13. Still clean

    Amazing what clonazepam and alprazolam can help with the withdrawals. Before i got them my bones hurt, no drink or food, skepplessness. Anxiety attacs, massive. Since I got the meds sleep, watching tv, walks (sweating heavyli) some food. Then i slept and slept and slept. As i woke the worst was over. The minor setback uesyerday didnt cause a problem. I left and webt to my mothers. Left the oxies at home. Söp I'll get back to work. Perhaps next Monday. Well see what the doc. Thinks. Minor...
  14. How it all began......

    History lesson of how I became a junkie. Maybe you'll see yourself in my words. If one person changes their mind about using, I've done my job.
  15. Oxycontin poem.

    Oxycontin - I destroy homes, tear families apart, take your children, and that's just the start. I'm more costly than diamonds, more costly than gold, the sorrow I bring is a sight to behold, and if u need me, remember I'm easily found. I live all around you, in schools and in town. I live with the rich, I live with the poor, I live down the street, and maybe next door. My power is awesome; try me you'll see, but if you do, you may never break free. Just try me once and I might let you go,...
  16. Day 12: Couldnt sleep

    Day12. Pretty sure I did way to much yesterday. I couldn’t sleep last night. I managed 3 hours of broken sleep. My arms and legs have an extremely uncomfortable pins and needles feeling with constant chills. The RLS returned. My left ear is ringing so loud it kept me awake too. Plus I have the added soreness of the day. I’m miserable still today. Now I have a headache from the lack of sleep too. I don’t feel any better now than I did last night.
  17. Insomnia... And a little lost right now..

    A month ago CPS came and took my kids after they said they weren't doing an investigation, that they were only going to get me the help I needed. I welcomed it gladly... Now... I've been sober, and I mean really really sober, not even pain meds or alcohol sober, I'm over the first part of withdrawals and completely into phase insomnia... Ironic much... That I hate not being able to sleep. I took drugs in extremely high doses so I could stay awake for very long periods, but all I want to...
  18. Off methadone symptoms really starting now

    Thank you @johnalec i really do appreciate the encouragement. So can I do a I just want to bitch post today? I’m sooo tired. I spent 6 hours today with my husband and my mother in law. Not fun anyway. But from the moment I left the house I had a moment of just telling my husband that this was hard for me. I’m out and I only have my clonodine in my purse. (10+ years of carrying a purse full) he immediately started about can’t I see that I have a pill problem! Really?!? Ya think? Damn...
  19. MINOR setback with 3'20mg oxys.

    hi guys. My ex told me not to talk to anyone in my family for at leat a couple of weeks since they are addicts themselfs and will drag me to hell. so my mo called end asked if i was comi g"home" today and i responded that it is impossible since i am in recovery. I cant take hard wors, critisism, meanness etc. And the she said but hose pills you eat? I said that the only pills i eat are multivitamins and levaxin, hung up the phone and blocked her!!! Started looking for benzos crazy agitated...
  20. A hard lesson learned today

    Just damn! I have been crying all day long, because I did not expect a backstabbing like this. Hurts as hell. But I learned that the last place where to turn for comfort is my family. And I am never ever again going to tell them anything. I called my mom today, because I was dedperate and all my friends were still sleeping. And told her about a divorse process and my orientation. And then I remembered why I stopped telling her anything about my personal life. Get a ton of shit in return-...
  21. Off methadone symptoms really starting now

    Day 11. I still feel better. I’m weak from the inactivity of being at home for 3 weeks now. Unfortunately my job is too stressful physically and emotionally to do while dealing with withdrawals. But I’ll be going back Monday. I’m still having some chills and full body goosebumps, night sweats and my head still rings a bit. But these are more irritating now than anything else. I’m tired of the symptoms and that’s wearing. My mood is good but I’m apparently going to my mother in laws to take...
  22. The first challenging test

    On Thursday my 6 year old daughter slipped into my bed in the middle of the night and slept heavily on my arm, I must have twisted in the night or something but iv done something to the muscles in my shoulder and all down my back, I’m in agony, bloody kids ! Friday at work I was in so much pain I couldn’t hardly move, there was codeine there in abundance but I didn’t take any, I put up with the pain till about 10 o clock then headed down the chemist and got some ibuprofen instead, it works...
  23. Finally feeling balanced again

    Over last week Iv finally found myself feeling balanced again, Iv been able to get on with my work and have cleared a load of backlog at work. Just the week before the Dr wanted to put me back on the Olanzapine but I refused, I said I’d work through the withdrawals. What surprised me is that he was shocked I’d had any withdraws at all, I said it had been particularly drawn out and nasty, he seemed uninformed about Olanzapine Withdrawal. So I’m going to stay as I am now for a while, I...
  24. Trying to recover

    I had a promising start doing a suboxone detox at home. Left over stress had me use yesterday, but that's just an excuse I know. Christmas is coming up, I can't waste money & need to be clean for my children. Now in unsure, do I take suboxone for another few days. People here believed in me, even after I lapses the last time. I feel bad for that. I have so much to lose if I keep doing this, I need to get my strength back
  25. Oh the long drives

    Made it home from my long drive. It was pretty warm so I had fresh air and music and remembered why I used to love to drive. It wasn't as bad as I thought either! I know compared to some I've got it easy, and for that I am thankful. I had some kratom before I left and felt fine mostly. A little irritable maybe, but I've always had a bit of road rage so I'll count that as a win! Going to sleep. I took some benadryl so it should help. That stuff knocks me pn my ass. The physical shit isn't...
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