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Blog Entries List

Blog Entries from community members

Support Fellow Members in Recovery

  • Oxy bout. Round 8

    DF, Yep still kickin the ol' can around still. Also want to say good job to pee! We're doing it one day atta time. Well, day 14... It's kinda sucked. Don't know why. But all day I was like "f it imma just do one. One won't kill me." Then I was at battle with another battle saying "screw that. That's why I have a...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 7

    Hello all. Yep still here. But I have encountered a little bit of a problem. So this post might be a little lengthy compared to others. So starting out I'm not actually on day 7-9 or whatever. Yes, I went through those days but I'm actually on day 13 (I'll try and catch up the SS's) So day 9 or 10 I actually...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 6

    Df Community, Today is the day I truly get tested. The Re-up... Not going to lie pretty damn nervous about that. But I believe that I've put in the hours and days to hold out. My brain is just swimming with ideas. Also I don't know what it is. But my feet hurt! But mainly only the heel. And on the arch sometimes....
  • Since Saturday

    Today is Thursday, marking my 6th day clean. I've had a couple of cravings but I was able to keep my mind off of it by my work. I've been a little tired but I know that will get better with time.
  • Oxy Bout. Round 5

    Community, Wanted to start off by saying thank you to those who's have given any kind of comment, you guys and gals are awesome. Anywho's.... Day 6/7ish Finally maybe coming out of the worst of the storm. (Still in some sort of storm, just not the worst part) still dealing with horrible insomnia. Have to load...
  • A new life is born-Addicted to life: Restarting & Fighting spirit

    So I'm back, and I came with a new insight that I didn't have prior to this. I'm not perfect, nobody walking this earth surface is, that's a tough pill that I had to swallow in my life. Its not just me, I feel like deep down everyone wants to be perfect, not making a mistake, always being on time, always doing...
  • The big lie continues

    Here I am day 3 of the most abysmal attempt to quit the dope. It sounds so good to be clean and free, but I just can't seem to get out of my way. WHAT makes me think I can do this on my own? Oh,ya, my delusional thinking.. At what point did I think I was God, and just stop using? My ego haunts me daily. My...
  • Oxy Bout. Round 4

    DF Community, First off thanks Heart, and Aem. For the support and advice. Maybe when and if I can scrape together some cash I'll be able to get some extract. Anyways... Day 5 It's a very very late night and very early morning. Probably about 3 hours of sleep. If that. And the RLS is still just daunting. But I...
  • New life

    Today marks 2 days and I'm a little tired but I'm holding up! I'm on this path beacause I just don't get any enjoyment out of it anymore, a much needed change is in order. I'm glad I'm alive and well.
  • Oxy bout. Round 3

    Hello again Community, Yes still here. I was up at a wedding 800 miles away. Man that was a trip (without anything!) Day 4/5 so yes I'm still doing okay. The sleep has still been bad. But the RLS is still worse. I've been coping with the sleep due to Ambien. Which I really hate taking. Because I know of the...
  1. Day 3

    Well today is day 3. It's 4pm and I'm starting to lose the strength:(. Yesterday my girls (after the arguing) they did a tremendous job in helping and the one did apologize. Right now it's like I'm so tired of feeling exhausted and just would like a few lines as a pick me up, but I know that's the drug talking. This is the one time I had my husband for support. That's it for now, I just had to right this down and hope that this works.
  2. A Fresh Start

    I decided to start a new journal because I've changed so much as a person and I want this journal to reflect the new me. It's been about 2 1/2 months give or take since I've used an illicit drug of any kind. I've cut down on my caffeine consumption, I'm meditating daily, reading, writing, drawing, and coloring. I'm more outgoing and I spend a lot more time with my family. I spend a lot less time complaining, more time working, more time communicating, and less time arguing. I'm a happier,...
  3. Oxy Bout. Round 2

    Hello again DF/journal I was thinking last night and a little more again today. I think that this journal will be good for me to look back at. To see what I went through and what my experiences were. What helped and what didn't. No matter how far I get. Anyways... Day 2 Sleep has been very difficult, even tho I am not doing any oxys. I still load up to get to sleep. I feel that is going to be my biggest enemy. And the RLS holy crap! Do they ever stop??!! But overall a pretty crappy day....
  4. I Quit

    I was supposed to quit yestedy but I didn't. Today I woke up, flushed my stash and quit. It shouldn't be too hard to do since I have been getting a full nights rest. Wish me luck!
  5. still in the shit pit...

    Why can't i climb out of this hole im in? I'm ruining myself and I can see it. somedays I'm clean most days im not. I just feel so fucking stupid and helpless. I want help. I need help. I just don't know what to do. Wishing i could wave a wand and go back to who I was before this monkey climbed on my back. somebody save me.....
  6. Oxy Bout. Round 1

    Hello DF community, Gonna try and keep it fairly short just in case of failure... Gonna attempt to post a few pictures from a simple little app. And maybe say a little about that day. And again I'll try and keep it short so not to much time will go invested. Day 1/3, which the picture shows 3 days but I went from... 160mg a day down to 5mg or less so screw it I'm counting it. Plus who knows how long I'll last. (So it's been the timer since last done a full dose) Also just wanted to...
  7. Day 2

    Well today marks day 2. Usually by this time I'm already thinking about my purchase, and my head is clear right now!!! Last night one of my daughters came home from work and I was sleeping on the couch (slept all day) and she had made a comment " omg she's still sleeping", well that kind of bugged me. Yes I did put this on myself, but shouldn't she be happy that I'm making the decision to quit? Well I talked to her about it and the she says "why don't you just do it then" just because she...
  8. My recovery advice to others trying to quit their addiction based on my own experience

    First and foremost, you have to be absolutely 100% be ready to quit, you have to be fed up with yourself, angry at yourself, disgusted with yourself, you have to want change so much that it becomes your obsession or if you like your new addiction. Like anything, it starts in the mind. Secondly, support from others and purpose is huge I've found. Whether it's from a loved one or support group or whatever, we need support. It's your strength when you feel weak. A purpose to quit is equally...
  9. 10 days clean and feeling great - Long post with a lot to update, if anything just read the bolded paragraphs

    Hi all! I decided to hold off on the rehab retreat option. Few reasons being I don't want to be away from my partner and son for that long right now, I've got a commitment that requires me to be here so I can't take off for 4 weeks right now, and also the saving money aspect seeing as I'm currently not working. The last date I used was June 6th, I was really starting to feel like I was letting myself slip to a point of no return, I was letting my health go and stopped caring about my...
  10. Nobody

    Nobody who saw me at a bar would ever know. They'd never know that while I'm sitting there sucking down jumbo margaritas through a straw, I'm really dreaming of pleasure boats and 19th century Canton. They'd never know that, in my heart, I'm really reclining on a low bed of carved teak, bathed in the glow of a silver-covered lamp, kissing the jade mouthpiece of an opium pipe. They'd never know my sadness at the inability of the modern world to appreciate such things. People go to bars to...
  11. Starting day 1

    So today will be day one of recovery!! My girls are standing with me! I hope to be productive and spend some time with my horse!! He is the best therapy. One day at a time!!
  12. Birthday, thoughts, bipolar disorder....

    That time of the year again. This birthday I was really positively suprised. I guess, I have had at least some positive impact to other peoples lives, because I unexpectadly get personal birthday wishes from people I really did not expect. I thought that it will be just one of these years when most of the people I know pretends that I do not exist, except few of my best friends. I guess, my attempts to do good things just because I like doing them and expecting of and giving from myself the...
  13. Putting down the pipe

    I feel really bad about my self today. I don’t want to do this shit anymore. So, im putting down the pipe in 3 days. I will have 2 days off to sleep and recouperate. I’m going on vacation in 2 weeks and I want to be clean for that. The dope is just not doing it for me today.
  14. quitting xans and weed

    I am currently 19 years old and have been smoking weed since I was 15 on and off, mostly on. Out of almost 5 years I would say I have smoked a good 3.5 years continuously. I know for a fact weed has impaired my cognitive abilities and I have become addicted to it. People who say it is not possible are simply in denial. I also started taking xanax about a year and a half ago, at first it was recreational, it still mostly is, however I now suffer from anxiety as a result of a life event and...
  15. Later that night.

    Later At the end of the night, I find myself racing home to give it another go. It’s midnight and everyone is in bed. Perfect! I’m alone in my own bathroom. The first thing I do is pull my reagent test out and put a small crushed piece in the tube adding the reagent drops and shake it up. It sizzles, which is alarming but It does test positive for methamphetamine, I’m cautiously optimistic. I only say this because I know that ISO or one of iso’s cousin n -methyl benzylamine and n-ethyl...
  16. The day

    The day of arrival I had been anxiously waiting all day for this new batch. After all, it had been five weeks since I had any. When it arrives, it was almost time to go to work. I immediately took it to my bathroom and opened it up. It weighed in at approximately xx g. I was happy with that. I didn’t have time to get out my reagent testing kit so I did the next best thing and loaded a bowl. Placing the lighter under the bowl, not to close, I didn’t want to burn it. It began to sizzle and...
  17. I'm back

    I'm back. I was banned for a stupid mistake on my part and honestly, I didn't read the rules carefully enough. I learned my lesson and I'm back to finish this story. Banned Yesterday(which was a month ago now) I was banned from drugs forum. I was so disappointed. I was a little shocked actually. I tried to read my messages to see exactly why I was banned but I was locked out. I re-read the rules and I think I know what I did wrong but I’m not exactly sure. It could have been a number of...
  18. 0,50 gram.

    Today I been wired and paranoid with anxiety but as this comes on waves I made the cut of 150 mg anyway.. soon as I took it I felt better. If my benzos would work I could speed thing up.. I wont make another cut until I feel better..
  19. Day 58

    God, it's only been 58 days. I've come so far so fast. I'm coping quite well with stress now. I'm going to group therapy every day. I'm meditating daily. I haven't been exercising but I did go for a nice walk this morning. I plan on exercising tomorrow. I just got my shots yesterday - Haldol monthly and Invega Sustenna. That's for my schizoaffective disorder. I feel a little flat today. I think it's the shots. I can't change the fact that I feel emotionally flat so I think I'll engage in...
  20. Last day on 0,65.

    I waited four hours extra before my little babydose of pheni. And felt no WD symptoms. Yes! when I had dose I went warm and could take of one of my sweaters. When it´s been at it´s worse I had two sweaters and hoodie up when I sleeping. Today I laughed loud for the first time in .. ahh.. last time I was high on phenibut? :D So I´m getting back slowly .. A bit worried that my sleepers have no effect on me.. during the time on phenibut I did not need them.. And after abusing pheni so long...
  21. Day 86 - day two post lapse

    Well, it's been two days since I made the decision to stop again before it got out of control. So far I'm feeling okay, symptom wise I just had some minor night sweats & that's about it. Mentally, I'm feeling a little lost but I know that will go away in a few days. Trying to stay positive, back on my supplements & looking at this as a bump on the road. My cravings aren't too bad, I think what's keeping them at bay is the reminded of what could have happened if I didn't stop now. All the...
  22. Please! Looking for urgent help on Phenibut & Tianeptine withdrawal

    Hi all!! So just quickly about myself -- I'm a 25 year old male (205 lbs) in. So up until about 3 months ago I really wasn't doing any drugs at all, other than recreational marijuana sometimes, and recreational drinking on weekends. I don't normally do tons of drugs other than one bout of opiate dependance in my early twenties (Nucynta) but one day I really was looking into some anxiety-relieving ones, because sometimes I just have anxiety issues to the point where I'm socially awkward...
  23. Valium w/d starting to kick in now

    I've been taking 10mg of Valium for ? 5-8 yrs my life is a blur now. Anyway long time. Was cut to 5mg a day last week started that on Sunday. I'm feeling tense keep clenching muscles and fists. Oh it's been 2 weeks now since I've had more than 5 hrs of sleep at a time. Could be methadone w/d too. @ same time was cut from 20mg for pain for I'm pretty sure 10yrs now to 10mg a day. Wow I'm still not eating. I'm losing weight like crazy. I look thinner every time I look in the mirror. Managed to...
  24. Birthdays, being bipolar and trying to stay clean

    That time of the year again... I don`t even know why I feel the most depressed around my birthday. It is not even like having typical birthday blues, I guess. Feels like there is some kind of physiological stuff involved like recharging of all hormones and stuff each year or whatever. Actually I have no clue.I am just having one of the worst mixed episodes I have had in years and I am doing my best of trying to stay clean, because I understand that self medicating at the moment will make it...
  25. Day 86 - after a two week slip, back at it.

    Hi everyone, it's been a few weeks since I've last posted - mainly because I felt bad about my slip. whoever has been following my journal entries will remember I mentioned that while I was away, I got some really bad cravings and it really took me by surprise and triggered me in ways I was unprepared for. I have been using around 10-30mg a day every second day for two weeks but I could feel myself slipping away deeper & deeper into a place I didn't want to be at again, and reminded myself...
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