Journals

  1. All Aboard...

    It's kinda messed up to think about how long I have been wishing that I wasn't so passionate or that I didn't feel things so deeply, or that I didn't care as much as I do. I have found a notebook that confirms that I was wishing for this as early as age 11, so that predates basically all of my bad habits, except my eating disorder. I guess I have a big problem with wanting things I don't have, and probably with being properly grateful for what I do have. I've always wished I was less...
  2. Like water to a flame

    Since I moved into this place about a year ago, I've heard hummingbirds around but only saw one once, at my neighbor's fuschia. (I immediately went out and bought myself a bigger fuschia.) Today I happened to spot one at the very top of the tree next door. I ran in to get my binoculars, and saw enough of him to determine he's a dude, but that was it as far as an ID. Probably an Anna's, as they're big and common. (Apologies to anyone named Anna; I didn't name them.) The same kind I had at my...
  3. An Introduction

    When I woke up from 12 years of tramadol and then roxy use, my life fell apart. I could keep it together as long as I was flying high, but down on the ground I could but crawl. Tapering tramadol the first time was hell, but that was years before, and it did not last long. Tapering the roxy and xanax at the end was worse. And after 12 years... I should have known better. After two relapses my doc put me on suboxone. I was safe, but still crawling. Not fast enough. The plans I had made while...
  4. It all comes crashing down...

    3 weeks clean, and an old dealer managed to get my new number last night. He wheedled and made his pitch, I caved and ordered some. But he never showed up. Left me high and dry, with blue balls for the rock. Now I’m in a predicament, I am fiending for drugs with no outlet to get them. I can’t stop thinking about lighting that pipe. Just gotta get through it, to the other side of ok. Fucking dealers. I didn’t realize how fragile my sobriety was till it was tested. I’m having one hell of an...
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  5. I'll stop tomorrow....

    Honestly, I feel like a bit of a fraud writing this journal, because I don't have anywhere near as problematic a problem as some (probably most) of the drug users writing these. I don't have a steady job, but what I do have pays enough that I don't really have to worry for now. Unless something goes wrong, I'll have a 2-year lease starting in July. My family can support me a little, and they're willing to. But things between me and my partner have deteriorated to the point at which I find...
  6. Remembering My Real Value

    I suppose that this is some version of the grieving process that I’m experiencing now. It’s different minute to minute. First, I’ll be pleased because I think of some new door that has opened as a result of this absolute horror, like now I always get to pick the music in the car or now I can have sex with someone famous if the opportunity should arise. Next, I’m nauseated, sweaty, and absolutely terrified because my co-captain, my partner in crime, the keeper of my heart, is gone and keeping...
  7. writing, looking for feedback

    It is November 2011. I am 19. I am waking up on day 5 without opiates. my bed is drenched in sweat. my legs kick me awake and continue to kick* for the whole 10 seconds it takes me to decide to get out of bed. My bed simply is not comfortable. i have no energy. i am not hungry. i have no motivation to do anything. nothing sounds appealing. i have no job. i have nothing to do today besides go to my drug class. i have not consistently sold drugs since the summer. i have very little money,...
  8. The journey continues

    Hello to everyone who takes the time to read my entries. I've made it past the 12 months clean and still going strong. The longer I'm clean the more sure I am of staying clean. I've still got people I haven't seen since I quit meth looking at me and almost not recognising me, telling me I look younger and really healthy, yay. Next week I'm doing 3 days AOD Peer Worker Training, the journey continues to help others overcome drug addiction. I've wasted too many years but not anymore. Onwards...
  9. Restraining order?

    I showed up to work yesterday and my boss pulled me aside to say that a former client is filing a restraining order. Apparently shes been getting harassing phone calls and thinks that its me on the line. Never said a word to me but shes all a wreck about it. Very strange. So now Im probably going to court and pulling my phone records to show that shes a little touched in the head and im just some guy she decided to focus on. Hard to process. I dont even know this person. Never...
  10. Two YEAR Mark

    As noted, it has been two years since I have used fentanyl. I have been going to the pain clinic for about a year. The clinic routinely wants to cut my Oxi use every time I go in. This year has been a bad foot year as I have been hospitalized for infection twice. The second time, the infection went into my blood stream and I went septic. I was in the hospital for 10 days! In the hospital, I was given IV morphine and it felt lovely to be back. When I went back to the pain clinic, they...
  11. Not Exactly Unexpected

    Well, whether it was just a matter of time or not, I fucked everything up again. What I thought I was doing was working my ass off to be able to take care of myself and stay busy and off dope but I guess I was just lying to myself. Even the cop who was there when they woke me up was laughing at me, called me a liar when I told him I worked 12 hour days and attended school at the college across the street. I justified the speed to myself when I had to start working graveyard shift, but was...
  12. Tapering Kratom 3rd Week

    Yesterday I dropped down to 1gram Kratom. My tianeptine sulfate dose is about 350mg daily, divided doses. I was advised not to exceed 400mg. I definitely feel an antidepressant effect from the Tianeptine and want to begin decreasing that to a minimum dose after a month off of the Kratom. My alcohol intake though is higher than I would like. I love red wine, and the past few days have had about 2.5 to 3 glasses in the evening. It's spaced out over several hours, and I eat food, so I don't...
  13. Cooking. No, not cooking that....

    Well, this is strange. I smoked some weed and now I feel like I understand the meth more. Yeah, I'm not sure what that means, either. But I found myself thinking "chibi, just eat in moderation," and kind of understanding the concept better than I have before. I have a pizza and one of those huge brownies and I've only eaten...fuck, I forgot I'm sharing this with 2 other people, not 1. You know what? How much I ate isn't important, what matters is that I also chopped up some veggies that were...
  14. Ascending

    Howzitgoin everybody! Working out on a ranch north of town, a blessed relief to be outta the city. I've written entries from out here in past journals, it's a sanctuary where I can breathe, feel tension dissipate and unravel like a dream as you wake up, like smoke. My blood pressure drops. My 'tude improves, my perspective is restored (more or less), as is my resolve and my confidence. I slept maybe two hours last night but I'm feeling rested, a lil dehydrated right now tho, mercury climbin,...
  15. I think the storm is ending. Finally

    Today I went and worked outside in my vegetable garden. It was a lot of work, my heart was racing and I was sweating. A few days ago just getting out of bed would've sent me into a coughing frenzy that required an inhaler to calm me. After I worked in my garden for, I sat down exhausted but overwhelmed with euphoria from all the endorphins of the hard work and realization that Im finally feeling myself again. Best of all. I didn't cave into my cravings for opioids. Last night there was...
  16. y tho chibi...

    I've decided I do indeed look weird when I stuff my tongue into these two spaces in my teeth, but I doubt anyone would see that and think "tweaker," though if they know anything about psych meds they might think "tardive dyskinesia." I got up this morning, felt awake but not exactly rested, crushed myself up a line, put some back in the vial, contemplated what I was doing, put some more back, did that thing with my tongue and thought "um, maybe you don't need this..." thought some more and...
  17. shes pregnant

    would i bring a child into my world? yes, my world. not your world. theyre different. my world appears to me as a shimmering mirage, even as i walk through it. my focus brings one piece of the landscape to life while simultaneously dimming the rest of the scene. if i want "it", "it" becomes all i see. i walk through my world knowing that nothing is made of concrete- not even actual concrete. the whole world smells like play dough, and i am picasso. I walk through my world, a world on fire,...
  18. What is wrong with this sick world

    I heard some fucked up news about one of my friends in jail. It's a male friend, so I'll leave the rest up to the imagination. I feel numb. I just can't understand how this world can be so cruel. It's really affected me for some reason and I feel sick to my stomach. Why did I have to get involved with this drug? Why does he have to suffer like this?
  19. Not the end of the tunnel, but I do see light.

    I want to be clean, I want to be healthy, I want to be free, I want to feel again, I want more out of life than this. So, it’s been a tough few weeks since I last posted. I had relapsed in the middle for 3 days, didn’t go overboard but didn’t at all hold true to myself on wanting to quit. I got sad after those three days and decided to let go again. Of course, had to go through the physical pains of withdrawals – something that my body seems to be getting all too familiar with – and as of...
  20. I’ve fallen

    I gave in. And now I want more. I’m doing my best in trying not to call my connect. But damn, I’m so tempted. I wish there was just some stupid placebo I could use to “smoke” to make me think I’m smoking it. Tonight I will listen to a hypnosis video on addiction thru YouTube to see if that’ll help my cravings. I did it yesterday for a migraine (while on the shit) and I actually fell asleep for a few mins. Caught myself snoring! Lol I would so do anything to stop the craving...
  21. Dreams or Delusions

    I had a dream a few nights ago that I went back to uni and was studying marine biology. I finished my degree and had a really fun job researching whales. They are one of my favourite animals. I wear a silver whale tail around my neck and have one tattoed down one of my forearms. I'm getting my forearm piece as an underwater theme. Not that all that means much but I guess you could say the ocean is a loved and sacred place for me. And I kept thinking about that dream the next two days. Last...
  22. Comfort in Pain

    I should say comfort in sickness. Is it that the sickness is a known sickness? I suppose. Its a known sickness and pain, one that ive conquered before, so I fear it less than those things that leave me confused as to where to go. Also its within my control. If I start to experience pain and isolation and god knows what mental hijinks, I can always pop some pills to go into a destructive cycle or a sickness over which I have more control. I Guess that amounts to the same. I tapered...
  23. Sick again

    I'm sick again. Off heroin. Off meth. Weed is pointless. Some of you here know how I feel right now. How much effort it takes to even type, how every turn every way you look there's no help no respite you're fucked, nuthin can save you except that which brought you here, more dope. So I'm sick again. Maybe I get clean for awhile, maybe I getta dose and feel better. But no matter what: I know this is my lot, my fate, my own choice, and this is how I'll go out. I can tell myself I'm gonna...
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  24. Cancer, stop showing me your ugly face.

    IN my last Journal entry I described the travesty of my friend Samantha's terminal cancer diagnosis. How I am struggling to cope with how she could be hospitalized for 40 days and no aggressive cancer found for so long. Today I got to tell her I love her, probably for the last time. She was barely strong enough to speak or respond in any manner. I have been a ball of tears just over that issue. Laying behind it all though, is a sleeping giant that has been festering behind the scenes for...
  25. Getting Stronger

    I'm feeling really well. I've been paying close attention to my diet and lifestyle lately. I've been making a focus on eating more fresh produce and starches and without even really noticing or trying, I've made a massive reduction in the amount of processed crap that I was eating. Still loving my peanut butter honey toast every morning but my other meals are oriented around fruits, veggies & starches like oats, quinoa, rice & potatoes. I've even gone a couple of whole days without...
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